Tag Archives: wishing

What I want.

Can you please love me?

After so many years of blog posts and poems and songs and conversations, I figured out what it is I really want:

I want you to look at me, sit with me, listen to me, talk to me, hear me, and tell me that

it’s okay, you love me, you’re there for me, and you understand.

I want to know that no matter what I’m going through or what problem I’m dealing with, you’ll be there with me.

You won’t ever give up.

Won’t ever walk away. Won’t get worn out and tired of me because I’m depressing to be around.

Won’t do to me what I’ve done to so many people, won’t reach your limit of my problems and throw me away, because I’m not worth it.

Because the good isn’t worth the bad.

I just want you to love me. Unconditionally…so that I can stop locking it all up. So that I can stop holding it all in. So that I can stop only being the part of me that I think you can handle, one sliver of me at a time.

I just want to be fully me. Fully miserable when I’m miserable, fully happy when I’m happy.

Accept all my sorrow so that I know you’ll accept all my joy.

I don’t even know if I think it’s possible.

I …don’t think it’s possible for someone to love me in that way.

All my life has been a series of lessons teaching me that the only one who can really complete me is God, and that no one can be for me like he is.

And so I don’t see how you could possibly love me and accept me fully, because I don’t know if I would even love and accept me fully.

I don’t even know if someone exists who would love and accept every part of me and tell me that they’re never giving up on me.

I don’t know if it’s too much to ask of someone.

To just choose you, and stick by you, no matter what you go through…

That’s what I want…because it hurts so much when they give up.

And if the only one who can do that is God, then I don’t know…I don’t know what I’d want to even try to be with you for.

Because why attempt at joy when I know you can never fully give it. Why attempt at love when I know yours is only a shallow imitation. Is the shallow imitation enough?

I don’t know.

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

I hope.

I remember dancing down the hall
Happy as a clam, no cares at all.
I’d just finished the last exam of my college career,
I had passed it too, I had no fear
I danced, I skipped, Bible in hand,
Triumphantly leaving a Theology exam.
I remember smiling at passing faces,
triumphantly exclaiming the Lord’s praises,
for I had survived seventeen years of school,
from Kinder to college, proving I wasn’t a fool.
A few days later I walked across the stage,
received my diploma, it all passed in a haze.

Now I’m here, half a year later…
not even employed as a part-time waiter.
Educated, learned,
and still I haven’t earned
enough to start to pay
those loans I started that first day.

Woe is me.
Sad, no glee.
Look what an English Literature diploma has brought to me.

I had a plan. It involved more school.
But they were all full at the school I was going to apply to.
So I’ve waited. Had a temporary job.
Couldn’t work much, because sitting made my ankle throb.
Now time is passing, I’m unemployed again.
Writing and singing is what my joy’s in.
Friends across country. Family busy enough,
with life, and bills, and work, and stuff.

So it’s just me. Day after day. Planning and hoping…what I can’t say.
Try try try.
Sigh sigh sigh.
I need something to do.
Before I die.
Complicated mess.
Plans I can’t guess.
I’m moving to Florida.
Or Antarctica.
Or somewhere.
Anywhere.
Because maybe the problems are just here.
And they won’t follow me there.

I hope.

 

 

 

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Filed under All Poetry, General Poems

Nothing more.

Why
Do
You
Talk
To
Me?

Like…like why?
I am completely lost and puzzled and acting like a fool
And totally trying to play it cool,
But I can’t stand it anymore.
I can’t handle this unsettled score.
My cheeks burn and I toss and turn
At night
Because I just think about
You
And how much you confuse me,
And if that’s so then this can’t be healthy
Because you’re just thinking about being happy,
And I’m trying to figure out what makes you tick.
And then I get sick
And my cheeks burn
Because it’s harder to learn
Than to just be happy.
I play so many mind games and you have no clue,
Cuz you’re just being you,
And I’m just jig saw-puzzled in every direction.
I think I need some correction,
Will an illuminating path please shine?
Show the line
To follow
Because you swallow
Me whole
In all you do
I’m lost for you
And this can’t go on.
This. This. What is this?
Just talking.
But what are we?
Just friends.
But I want so much more that!
Just opening the door on friendship,
And I look for kinship,
                                   Marry me?
See!
I’ve gone crazy!
You must agree.
Agree and run away again
Like all the other boy-minded men
Because you’re playing with fire
Which you don’t even know,
Because THERE YOU GO,
Just talking to your friend.

Because that’s all I am to him.

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Filed under All Poetry, Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems