Tag Archives: Thoughts

She’s not alone.

I am so tired

and

everything in life

is going

very amazingly.

I wrote him a poem.

He admires me.

I’m afraid to speak the words back

because I have so little trust in words,

so little trust in feelings,

because they are fickle and fail me all the time.

I choose just to try.

I choose to try to love.

I choose to show, not with words to express feelings,

but with actions and consistency.

Because I use my words to cycle through the thoughts and feelings and loneliness and desire

but now is the time for action.

So I make every act an act of love.

And I try to act as frequently as possible.

As frequently as necessary.

Sometimes it is necessary not to act.

Sometimes love is in the patience.

And other times words and feelings betray me.

Because I know they are based on fickle things, I know they will not last, and I know that they will melt away into the air like the thoughts they’re founded on.

Love is a continuous and conscious effort to do the right thing.

I am loving him.

I will love him.

It doesn’t mean that I won’t hurt him.

But I am open to doing the most, doing my best, to love him without causing unnecessary pain…To recognize when I am in the way of his love, when I am not loving at all.

Love is an action.

And I’m about to fall asleep.

So I’ll love him when I wake up, or in my dreams.

Whichever comes first.

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

Twenty things I was thinking and turned into a list that has nothing in common except that they are my thoughts.

  1. I commented on people’s blogs, and then they thought that what I said was so helpful, they even brought up my name and tagged my blog. I appreciate this ().
  2. I especially appreciate the tagging, because in unjustnyx’s post, after reading about my great relationship advice (because I totally know what I’m talking about…), you can click on my name and jump immediately to my latest post in which I’m talking about how my friend is dying of cancer. I like the total lack of segue.
  3. I just got back from visiting the friend with cancer, and I was lying in my bed crying and feeling alone until I went to my wordpress account, and discovered the tagging, and felt better, and started the post updating.
  4. I realize I should have started this numbering system with number three maybe, and proceeded from there, but I was happy for a moment and wanted to dwell on that.
  5. It’s possible that I’m not emotionally there enough to form this into a cohesive post.
  6. Yesterday school made me cry again, for reasons of complexities that looked like they might result in dropping out, and then I had to stop the crying because my cancer friend was waiting to eat dinner for me downstairs in the hotel. So I literally sat on a bed, cried five tears, exhaled a couple times, told myself YOU CAN’T CRY, BEST FRIEND NEEDS YOU! and then went to pay for a seven dollar cup of tea.
  7. Stupidly over-priced hotel restaurants should not charge you 7 dollars for tea when they give you four bags of complimentary tea in your room.
  8. You should not order 7 dollar cups of tea from hotel restaurants when you have four packs of complimentary tea in your room.
  9. Baths aren’t everything they’re cracked up to be.
  10. Swimming is always wonderful…Even in January…at 9 am…After 3 hours of sleep, when it’s 60 degrees outside.
  11. Writing your crush’s name in the sand on an isolated beach and then drawing hearts next to and around it can be kinda fun and cathartic in a weird way.
  12. Writing your crush’s name in the sand on an isolated beach next to a friend with a camera phone is NOT A GOOD IDEA.
  13. Attempting to destroy the sand-written name before your friend with the camera phone can snap a photo of it is also a bad idea, as the end result will be a photo with both the name and your hand in it, providing perfect evidence of the fact that you have a crush on the guy with the sand-written name.
  14. Later that night, when your friend uploads photos to facebook and says she didn’t upload the one that would ruin you forever because your crush would know everything, do not take her word for it. Double check, because yes, while she didn’t upload that ONE photo that she took of her handwriting the name more clearly to amuse herself, apparently she did upload the one where you can see your hand.
  15. Facebook is incredibly tricky when it comes to making sure photos are properly deleted…and in a way, you are somehow worried they are still there…somehow…forever and ever…just waiting.
  16. Do not tell your friend about how she should save that photo of the sand-written name for future reference, like, in case you fall in love with and marry this guy, and then she can frame it and give it to you…Apparently, this thought is crazy, and you will be mocked.
  17. It is probably unfair to continuously tell my friend with cancer “You can not die.” I may think it over and over, every time she does something ridiculous that only she would do, every time she says something that only she would say, every time she reminds me of what an utterly unique (albeit strange), fascinating, devoted, person and friend she is, and I may continuously tell myself that this person must continue to exist on the planet and can not die, because I can’t handle their death and them not being there…but…it is not fair to tell that to them. It is not fair to give them the undue pressure of remaining alive. Only of course for the fact that they have little to no control over it…and I shouldn’t tell people not to do the things they may have no control over.
  18. On the other hand, if my friend was completely in control of it, then yes, I would repeatedly tell her that, because she is not allowed to just give up. You have to try. Because giving up is not an option. Why? Because it isn’t. It just isn’t. You have no idea of the lives you impact and the gifts you bring and honestly, the truth is, you’re not living for you. If you were living for you you’d be miserable and the world would be a miserable place to live. We live for love, we live for people, we live for each other, and you can not give up just because your life just got flippin miserable.
  19. Also, you live for you, and that’s another reason to not give up. Because the flippin misery can flippin go away. I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but giving up isn’t gonna help it, and even if you’re flippin miserable you can be flippin’ happy at the same time. It’s a conundrum of life and basically, life’s a mix of the misery and the happy and being miserable does not ensure happiness will never happen again and you just got to keep trying, for me, for you, because I love and I want you to love, and I want you to live and be happy.
  20. This is the end of the random thought list.

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing

I am here

Facing the reality of the fact that no matter how hard you try, you may fail sometime, and trying to figure out what you’re supposed to keep working toward and what you’re supposed to let go of is a lot of work.

It requires humility and strength of endurance that I do not always have. Sometimes it results in being overwhelmed by your own inadequacy, and being unable to try to hold on any more, and twenty minute sobbing sessions in your room where no one can see you.

Eventually loved ones find you and try to console you while you simply recognize the fact that you have no control over the situation and don’t want to be crying, and really don’t mean to be bothering them with your pain, but you just can’t handle the stress at the moment and you need to cry.

Then you get ready for bed, read a novel for four hours, and go to sleep thinking that at least your life is better than the character’s in the dystopian society, and at least you can enter a different world for four hours at a time, and step into the life of someone else, be it ever so briefly, and be okay. Not only be okay, but maybe grow stronger with the recognition that we all struggle as human beings, and nobody has everything under control, and that while you may be crying about a situation you see no way out of, the pain is temporary and ultimately, some way or another, it will be solved.

You are loved, and it will be okay.

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ODR: Stress

This has been an emotionally exhausting seven days…and month.

Ever since Halloween it’s been busy.

School decided that all the big assignments are going to be due now.

The sky decided that it’s going to kick into freezing mode.

A guy decided to ask me out.

And it’s just, crazy.

I need another day off. Hanging out with people is energy draining. Doing things is energy draining. Thinking about relationships, thinking. LIFE.

I rather hate lesson planning. I’m not good at recognizing student errors and finding ways to fix them. I don’t know what I’m doing. I am so tired. Tired and distracted. Distracted by my health, my friend’s health, my mind, everything.

Just getting tough to handle.

So tough.

(Nov 12, 2015)

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Imaginary Scenes in my life.

“What’s up?”

“Nothing much. Just dreaming that we’re inĀ  love, and waking up and wishing it were true until I realize that there’s nothing to base that love on and in reality it’s hard for us to say more than a couple dozen words to each other.”

“Interesting.”

————–

“How’s it going?”

“Alright. Except that I’m growing more and more dependent on our friendship and I think you just kind of tolerate me, and talking to you makes me feel better about every aspect of my life and so sometimes I feel like I NEED to talk to you and I’m starting to fall in love but I can’t because we’re just friends and while you’re amazing to talk to, I don’t think we agree enough on anything important to ever be more.”

“I see.”

—–

“How’s life?”

“It’s a confusing mixture of figuring out my future and figuring out my friendships, and trying to enjoy things just the way they are and not reaching for more, but then growing lonely and discontent and letting my mind race through a million scenarios like a puppy without a leash, and trying to stop that puppy from getting hit by a car.”

“Okay.”

——

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Pray and Love.

I haven’t posted for ten days, and my last post was on such a deep important issue that it’s hard for me to go back to the unimportant basics of my day.

It’s not hard for my mind to wander back to thinking about myself and my own problems, my own self-love and lack of superior concentration had me doing that within several minutes of composing that post…But thinking about it and writing about it are two different things. What justice is there in me talking about myself and my problems when there is so much suffering in the world? What justice is there in me writing about anything but that which is most important?

There may not be any justice in it…Unfortunately, I am not skilled and I am not perfect and I am not that dedicated. There are people who devote their time and their lives to writing about only important issues in the world, and philsophies, and such…and I…I am not one of them.

Sometimes I dabble…Like we all do…But it’s easy to throw in your two cents, a lot harder to dedicate a dollar.

I don’t know if I even have a dollar.

My thoughts on the issue so far…I’m not knowledgeable enough on the topic to give my thoughts.

I don’t want to give my thoughts.

I’m in this blog to vent and run away from my problems.

Not contemplate serious issues.

But now I’ve already thrown out my thoughts on a serious issue and it seems hard to walk away from.

I believe in God. I pray for Paris. I want people to love and take care of people, and I want people to be safe and protected.

I want life and love to be given a chance.

Speaking of which, babies are cute, and also, they are tiny humans.

Fetuses may not be as cute, but they are still tiny humans.

Zygotes may not have terms of endearment attached to them, but again, they are their own little humans. Unless it’s like a sheep zygote, in which case it’s a tiny sheep. At any rate, a zygote is the cell formed when two gametes/sex cells meet, and has it’s own tiny set of DNA making it it’s own unique self which has never existed and will never exist again. It’s entirely unique.

Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t mean it’s not important.

Just because they haven’t been born yet/don’t look like what you think a human should look like, doesn’t mean they aren’t valuable.

And there ends my post.

Love everyone, including the human zygotes.

 

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I will Pray for Paris.

I believe in a Creator of the universe who always existed, and being perfect, and loving so much, his love could not be contained and resulted in Creation coming to be as something outside of himself, created by his love.

I believe that this Creator, out of his supreme perfection, made the crown of this creation like himself, and gave human beings the capability to choose to love him, rather than compelling them to love him without choice, because real LOVE is an active choice of the will, to continuously strive for the good, and choose the good.

From these two religious beliefs spring the beliefs I have about life and how it should be lived, and what is required of me as an individual to remain true to my Creator and loving him. From the belief that we were created out of love comes the belief that we are created to love. From the belief that we must choose to love, comes the acceptance that sometimes people choose not to love, and the recognition that free will allows for both the beauty of choosing the right way, and the pain of choosing the wrong.

I have beliefs and I practice a religion. The more questions you ask me about my faith, the more I will attempt to explain the little parts of it and the reasoning behind it, the more I will try to explain how my love of God results in a love of my religion which only exists to show me how to best love my neighbor.

I suppose my love of neighbor can best be summed up as the following:

Treating my neighbor like they were created by the same love that created me and not harming them in any way.

And that is key to my religion. As part of my religion I pray, for myself and for my neighbor. I pray for the strength to love better, for guidance, and I pray for the world and that people can see the love of God in their lives and live it out more deeply.

Do not tell me that religion is the problem. Do not tell me that people hate each other because of religion, that without religion everything would be fine. Because yes, people use religion as an excuse for hatred, but more than that people use it as a way to love. I use it as a way to love.

And so I will pray. I will pray for the people who don’t believe that we were created out of love, who don’t believe that we are designed to love, and who don’t believe that love includes putting others before ourselves and not harming each other. For the people who use their beliefs as an excuse to hurt each other, for the people who believe that hurting each other somehow fulfills their beliefs. I will pray for Paris and I will pray for the world, and I will pray because I believe in the strength of prayers, and I believe in love.

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