Tag Archives: talk to me

Poem: Wading through thorns.

“I appreciate you” I say pointlessly, while my hormones are raging, and I allow them to force me to speak this momentarily overwhelming stupid thought, that is half honesty, out of an attempt to make you communicate something more toward me. Communicate. With me.

Heart pounding and I see you smile and just want to wrap my arms around you, wrap your arms around me, be warm and soft and held tight like you love me.

Cursing these hormones and these thoughts and hopes that are built on short bouts of laughter and glances from your dark, beautiful eyes.

You stare a lot, and I don’t know what you communicate, but you set my heart on fire and it won’t seem to go out.

Glances and smiles with those beautiful eyes and beautiful cheeks and beautiful teeth gleaming white, perfectly set in a smiling mouth.

You are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are attractive and every physical part of me wants to be closer to you, and I’m at war with myself, mind over matter, because the matter is trying to take over and I’m starting to lose my mind.

I don’t want to lose my mind.

Because mentally, oh beautifully attractive one, mentally I know it is not time. Mentally, oh captivating heartthrob, causer of my heartbeats and blackouts of mind, mentally, I know that this is more overwhelming infatuation than love. This is more biological than rational, this is more instinct than instance, this is more me wanting to be loved than me loving, and I can’t have that.

I can’t have this.

I repel that desire for objectification, no matter the momentary elation of that satiation of desire, I repel that instant gratification, that short term duration of feeling, built on matter fleeting, of feeding that burning fire
that burns without purpose except to excite, that burns with heat but gives no great light, that burns to consume and exhaust and deplete, I reject that sterile and empty feat.
I reject the unwholesome consumption of you, crumbling your beauty not loving you through, I reject that notion that hearts can’t be tamed, that we can go on and on and not be blamed, I reject this notion, this desire to obtain, I reject these thoughts that leave love lame, I reject the dampening of Purity’s gleam, ruining her waters, defiling a stream of love, of goodness, of truth and joy, of happiness and beauty and all we employ when deeply and truly loving each other, I reject the bad and will accept no other love – except a love that is true, a love that loves every aspect of you.

I will fight for the truth and a heart that embraces
you and every single one of your faces,
you when you’re broken and you when you’re down,
you when you’re silent and when you make no sound,
you when you’re shouting and singing for joy,
you when you’re manly, or when you feel like a boy,
you when you need me and you when you don’t,
you when you help me and you when you won’t,
to love you despite, in addition, and because,
to love you for reasons that were, are, and was,
I will fight for a love that embraces all things that make you more holy and through which God brings us closer to him and to each other, deeper in love with him and one another.

I will fight for the Love he provides with no mercy.
I will fight for the Love he provides til I’m worthy
to have you, to hold you, to love you, a man,
I will fight to love you and try til I can.

You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and once that beauty was all I could see, blinded by the gift of sight, couldn’t see the soul surrounded in light. You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and I will try to love that beauty, love and respect and pray for and wait, and melt the lust that’s hiding self-hate. You are beautiful, you reflect perfection, and I will wait until God points me in the right direction. You are beautiful and my heart reaches for you, but it will stay still until I ever say “I do”.

Thank you Lord, for the beauty in the world, and please protect the heart of this awestruck girl.

AMEN.

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems

The dryer is running, and other things in my life.

It’s Sunday. Happy Sunday. A day of coffee drinking and cake eating, and heck, why not throw some chocolate in there while I’m at it?

That covers the spiritual, moving on…

Physical, emotional, literal? Friendships, love, happiness, family?
What to talk about…

My body. Still hurts from nerve damage. Today, or I mean, yesterday, I stood up from the couch and my entire head started to get fuzzy and then my legs began to feel weighted down. This happens from time to time. Then the backs of my thighs started throbbing in pain, and my head began to ache. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a sign that my surgery went wrong and now I’m going to die from a spinal fluid pop or something. I know simultaneously too much and too little about my illness and the subsequent surgery to know what’s up. I figure I’m fine. I’m too exhausted to think about it. Things aren’t as bad as they were back when my neck broke, so I figure there’s nothing serious…I hope…and if there is, what are they going to do, another surgery? No way, sir. My body is still recovering from that last one. Anyway, I think it was all just from standing up too quickly…But I worry.

My emotions. The guy. The guy who I nick-named John. I just. It hurts, you know? When you have no friends and your only choice of things to dwell on is whether you think you might die at any moment, or whether that a guy you code-named John likes you, you tend to choose the latter. But both tend to be painful. That guy John sure makes you happy sometimes though. You just wish you made him happy. And that you weren’t that annoying chick who keeps talking to him.

My work. I’m employed, so I could also be thinking about that, but I work every day next week, so the week seems like a good time to think about that, and not now. At least I’m blessed with a job that requires me to think, and doesn’t require me to sit at a desk.

…My neck is starting to ache now, so I’m going to end this. I wrote a two paragraph rant about work, and erased it and rewrote different things about work over and over, and now I’m exhausted.

 

Goodnight. Good morning. Thanks for reading, thanks for visiting, thanks for following, thanks for liking any of my poems or my writings. Thanks for feedback and comments and caring, or even just responding so that people see your name and thus your blog, as long as whatever you say isn’t literally : “READ MY BLOG”. I mean, by all means, mention your blog or whatever you want to mention, but please at least acknowledge the fact that you’ve read whatever it is that you’re supposedly commenting on. I get so excited when I have comments…and so disappointed when all they are is advertisements of other blogs. SPEAK TO ME. Please. I like speaking back.

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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Just a note…

So my laptop is broken, and has been broken for a while, and so I’ve been writing down thoughts and some poems in journals. Then I wait for whoever is using the family computer to stop using it. Then I have a whole bunch of pieces of poems and ideas written in a notebook, and I try to put them in the computer, but sometimes I run out of time and also realize that all the stuff I wrote in my notebook isn’t complete. Also, it’s apparently November and that has something to do with writing a new post every day? So if my thoughts are incomplete or unrelated or my poems seemed rushed, I have no excuse because as a writer I should get over that. But I’m pretending I have an excuse. Also, if you read something I write and you like it or have something to say about it, will you PLEASE SAY SOMETHING!???? It makes me feel less alone in the world, and maybe it will make you feel less alone too, because I will totally respond.

Thank you for reading my random thoughts and poems. I appreciate it.

– cdukulele

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Filed under Various writing