Tag Archives: stress

Adjusting to Achievement

So, about that assignment that I noticed at the last minute and only had 12 hours to do, I did it. Well, I kind of did it. Well, I did enough of it to get away with looking like I did it for now, and later I’ll figure out how to fix the situation with my professor later.

When I got to class today I asked a few of my classmates if they realized there was an assignment due that morning, and they just stared at me like I was crazy and said the most reassuring things like: “I submitted that last week” and “Yes, I did it. I also started part two already because I need to free up my schedule and don’t know what I’ll be doing several weeks from now.”

I decided to stop talking to them and I hoped that they were overachievers and that this didn’t mean I was an underachiever.

Then I spoke to a couple other students who also sounded like they knew more about the assignment than I did, and, as I had polled half the class by this point, I realized that I was the underachiever.

The plus side was that when I spoke to the second group of overachievers, it sounded like they understood where my confusion was coming from (plus I asked them different questions so that it didn’t look like I had just forgotten there was an assignment due), so I felt better about my status, like I might only be part-underachiever…

On the plus side, I’ve already done everything I know about all my assignments for my other class and am in no fear of being behind in it on any account.

I’m going to go re-check my online syllabus and make sure that’s true.

Later -cdukulele

 

 

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I am here

Facing the reality of the fact that no matter how hard you try, you may fail sometime, and trying to figure out what you’re supposed to keep working toward and what you’re supposed to let go of is a lot of work.

It requires humility and strength of endurance that I do not always have. Sometimes it results in being overwhelmed by your own inadequacy, and being unable to try to hold on any more, and twenty minute sobbing sessions in your room where no one can see you.

Eventually loved ones find you and try to console you while you simply recognize the fact that you have no control over the situation and don’t want to be crying, and really don’t mean to be bothering them with your pain, but you just can’t handle the stress at the moment and you need to cry.

Then you get ready for bed, read a novel for four hours, and go to sleep thinking that at least your life is better than the character’s in the dystopian society, and at least you can enter a different world for four hours at a time, and step into the life of someone else, be it ever so briefly, and be okay. Not only be okay, but maybe grow stronger with the recognition that we all struggle as human beings, and nobody has everything under control, and that while you may be crying about a situation you see no way out of, the pain is temporary and ultimately, some way or another, it will be solved.

You are loved, and it will be okay.

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ODR: Stress

This has been an emotionally exhausting seven days…and month.

Ever since Halloween it’s been busy.

School decided that all the big assignments are going to be due now.

The sky decided that it’s going to kick into freezing mode.

A guy decided to ask me out.

And it’s just, crazy.

I need another day off. Hanging out with people is energy draining. Doing things is energy draining. Thinking about relationships, thinking. LIFE.

I rather hate lesson planning. I’m not good at recognizing student errors and finding ways to fix them. I don’t know what I’m doing. I am so tired. Tired and distracted. Distracted by my health, my friend’s health, my mind, everything.

Just getting tough to handle.

So tough.

(Nov 12, 2015)

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Swirl of thoughts before 2am.

I’m kinda at the point where I am so focused on the things I must take care of currently that other really important things, like friendship and life and health, kinda just swirl around in the back of my mind until I can find free time to get to them.

Part of me just wants to let them swirl for a while.

I’ve been working on lesson plans and school, and figuring out ways to teach grammar that are 1% lesson, and 99% excuses for me to sing songs and have fun.

I’ve also been working on friendships. The amateur film I said I’d help out with resulted in me spending most of my Saturday in a tiny apartment waiting for my scenes while drunk people kept forgetting their lines and my stomach growled in hunger.

If I had anticipated the time consuming aspect of that night, and the people smoking all over the place, I probably wouldn’t have agreed to it. …

There is a lot going on. I’m either underwhelmed by life or overwhelmed by it. Never just whelmed…

On the plus side, I’m being whelmed by a lot more stuff than I used to be whelmed by.

It’s like my tolerance for whelminess has gone up.

Anyway, it’s nearly two am and I should be asleep, but I just attempted to plan a lesson and I’m sitting next to a pile of papers, pondering my life and my future and my stresses and everything I need to do, and I decided I needed to blog and organize some thoughts.

Write them down.

I feel better when something’s finally written.

Like all the swirling in the back of my mind thoughts may not resolve themselves away, but that I’m a step closer when I acknowledge that they are there.

They’re there.

It’s two am.

I’m sleepy and stressed, but I care.

Goodnight.

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Posting for realzies!

I keep logging into my blog and start considering posting something, and I even get so far as clicking the little pencil and starting a draft, and then I get distracted and quit.

I still haven’t finished my post for when someone nominated me for some award…I think it was the Versatile Blogger or something. Anyway, I’m tired, and just finished chatting with some person via the computer, so now I’m gonna post, because tired posts written after midnight are always the best…

POSTING.

So…I have a month of grad school left, and then I’ve finished my second semester….I have to write a 15 page paper designing a course by Sunday….I’m getting a haircut tomorrow…and that is my life.

I’ve also been watching random t.v. shows on Netflix for like, multiple hours a night…a lot of Walking Dead.

Last night I dreamed I was pretty much in a floating house train, and their were zombies outside, and by the end of the dream I had killed one with a knife. I have violent dreams, and it’s mostly due to zombies, and I should probably stop watching old episodes of Walking Dead on Netflix, but oddly, it is how my mom and I bond. She makes comments about how stupid the characters are and how they shouldn’t go anywhere alone ever, and I agree with her and point out that no one dies for another episode at least. Yep.

That’s pretty much it. Sometimes on weekends I play a board games with my family, and sometimes I play ukulele. I haven’t written a new song that people have liked since October. You could say I shouldn’t care whether they like it, but 80% of the fun of playing ukulele and singing is performing for other people, and bringing them joy and happiness…So I like writing songs that other people appreciate and enjoy. Sure, I’ll play ukulele anyway, when I’m not in class or stressing about class, or mindlessly watching zombie shows to recover from the boring reality of my chosen future profession (or at least the horrible dullness of the classes for the profession), but being able to share my music with people is just an entirely different level from playing music by myself in my room. I enjoy it, it makes me happy, and when it seems to make other people happy it feels like I’m doing something worthwhile. Unlike watching Netflix, and sitting in my classes. But the classes are working towards a profession where I will help people learn English, and that is worthwhile, and the Netflix is merely fluffing between the work that gives me a chance to try to handle it all again….except for the sake of my sleep I should really switch to a show that is not horror themed.

Night.

– Catherine

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School’s started

Which means I’m back, for who knows how long…Probably all semester. Now that I’m back to being stressed out on a weekly basis, I’ll have plenty of stuff to write about and plenty of procrastination time in which to do it.

This is good. Maybe this creativity will encourage the song-writing creativity which I have been a little lax on since before Christmas.

Plus I’ll be interacting with people more again, so I’ll be able to talk about that too…

Yes, school is definitely a good thing. If only I weren’t so paranoid about spending so much money and time on something that I may not ever want to do.

Too late now…Actually, I think I have a couple weeks before it’s really “too late”, but I mean, I don’t really know what else to do with my life and so far I’m surviving with my whole, M.A. TESOL plan, so maybe this will work out. Maybe I won’t break down into tears again like I possibly did once or thrice last semester and may or may not have done the night before classes this week.

Besides, what do tears mean anyway!? They’re merely a sign that I was completely overwhelmed by something, probably lack of sleep…Did I mention that I’m in communication with the guy that I completely broke off communication with before Halloween because of the inappropriate joke he sent me and the fact that he doesn’t quite comprehend me?

I’m sure that confusion about my future and confusion about my non-existent, unhealthy, confusing, complicated friendships, and lack of sleep all didn’t combine to create the tears the night before my first day of classes.

…It’s like, when it rains it pours.

Three months with nothing interesting, and then he shows up right when I have to figure out my life again and make sure I’m doing what I want to be doing as far as my education and career go.

So, school has started and Cdukulele’s life has gotten interesting again.

Being interesting is exhausting, I got to go finish my homework and sleep.

Night, my imaginary best friends and readers, please feel free to pray for me: like you probably were at some point, I’m not sure what to do with my life, or what to do about the member of the opposite sex who is talking to me and who I don’t understand and who doesn’t quite understand me but who I keep talking to anyway because I talk to people. I probably make my life more complicated than it is. Anyway, thanks for prayers and reading, God bless ya.

– Cdukulele

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On my way to school- …just imagine the funeral march here…. –

I have a conference with my professor tomorrow. It’s mandatory. Everyone in my class has to meet with him to discuss our projects.

I’m concerned that he is going to realize that I have no idea what I am doing and have been making things up as I go along all semester.

Very concerned.

So concerned that I looked up both the Darth Vadar theme and the Funeral march to see which was song I was thinking of in my head…

Well, I guess I should put all my notes into a nice professional looking folder and prepare for my judgment. I don’t know if there is any actual grading taking place tomorrow either, I think I just have to explain everything I’ve planned so far for this horrible project…

-cdukulele

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