Tag Archives: sleepy

Swirl of thoughts before 2am.

I’m kinda at the point where I am so focused on the things I must take care of currently that other really important things, like friendship and life and health, kinda just swirl around in the back of my mind until I can find free time to get to them.

Part of me just wants to let them swirl for a while.

I’ve been working on lesson plans and school, and figuring out ways to teach grammar that are 1% lesson, and 99% excuses for me to sing songs and have fun.

I’ve also been working on friendships. The amateur film I said I’d help out with resulted in me spending most of my Saturday in a tiny apartment waiting for my scenes while drunk people kept forgetting their lines and my stomach growled in hunger.

If I had anticipated the time consuming aspect of that night, and the people smoking all over the place, I probably wouldn’t have agreed to it. …

There is a lot going on. I’m either underwhelmed by life or overwhelmed by it. Never just whelmed…

On the plus side, I’m being whelmed by a lot more stuff than I used to be whelmed by.

It’s like my tolerance for whelminess has gone up.

Anyway, it’s nearly two am and I should be asleep, but I just attempted to plan a lesson and I’m sitting next to a pile of papers, pondering my life and my future and my stresses and everything I need to do, and I decided I needed to blog and organize some thoughts.

Write them down.

I feel better when something’s finally written.

Like all the swirling in the back of my mind thoughts may not resolve themselves away, but that I’m a step closer when I acknowledge that they are there.

They’re there.

It’s two am.

I’m sleepy and stressed, but I care.




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I’m good enough.

Just that.

That’s all I need to be. Good enough for me. That’s all.

So what if she’s gorgeous and sings like an angel and can arrange symphonies that sound like God himself gave her a hand, and he probably did…

I don’t need to be amazing. I don’t need to be beautiful. I don’t need to wow thousands with me.

I just need to be me and live the best life I can and do what I can with the gifts God gave me.

Which don’t currently include the- Ohmygosh- Sorry, this is so much harder to write as I listen to her, this next verse is amazing. Seriously. She is loveable.

Anyway. Now I have a role model.

Meanwhile, I’ll just keep doing what I can do.

I feel sick. I think I’m going to go to sleep. I can do that.

Sleep and make the bags under my eyes disappear and dream of figuring out what I need to do and having the strength to do it…

Night night.

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The new story

I re-activated my online dating account. I had to stalk some people on there, okay? I had to.

Online dating is evil. EVIL.

Of course, my luck with real life dating is nonexistent.

I went on a date once.

Mainly I have lots of friends.

Friends are better than smothering people who say they like you but never actually find the time to meet you, right?

Yes…yes they are.

So I de-activated my account. But I may have also invented a new dating account before I reactivated my old one, and that one may still be up and running. With no pictures. Just a bitter little intro about how I’m procrastinating from working on a school assignment and I like guitars.

I’m procrastinating on the school assignment a lot. It’s stressing me out. I’m turning a pretty simple project phase into a week of misery over it. It’s only 5 points out of my hundred for the project…and I already have 13 of my points…At this point, if I get all of my points for the rest of the project, I’ll get a 98. That’s comforting. So, if I totally bomb this project, I’ll can still pull a 93. Isn’t it comforting to think about the lowest possible grade you can receive in something? Actually, the lowest I could get right now would be a 13%…But that’s if I stopped doing work for the rest of the semester…WHICH I WON’T DO…Probably. I mean. Definitely.

So, I reactivated my dating account because I didn’t want to do homework. I’m trying to solve my life problems by finding a boyfriend. Yeah, that’s healthy.

I need to do this project. And not try to find a future husband to solve all my problems. Because spouses don’t solve problems. They just make your life happier. And hang out with you on Valentine’s day. And probably would go with you to open mic nights. And would also hug you when you don’t want to go to school.

Stupid non-existent spouses. Making everyone’s lives better but mine.

I need to go to sleep, I love you.

I have no one else to say it to, so I’m saying it to you, I LOVE YOU!

That’s a lie, I have loads of people to say that to. I scroll down my facebook newsfeed and want to say it to at least two people on a regular basis, and could say it to ninety percent of my friends without being very concerned about what they’d think about me anyway.

But I don’t have many people to say, “I LOVE YOU and your life brings me joy and I want to go out with you” to. Not that I’m saying it to you, I just so want to say it to certain individuals in that way, that I’m letting out part of the tension by merely typing out those words to a non-specific audience of blog readers and just pretending that somehow the ones I want to say it to get the message.




I’m really just infatuated. But, yeah.

Dern infatuation.

Fueling my procrastination.

I need sleep now.



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Ukuleles rule.

…they really do, but that title was deceptive because this post is only superficially about ukuleles. I suppose a blog by someone called “cdukulele” should involve more specific mentioning of ukuleles, but…eh.


I saw the five-years-younger-than-me musician again! You might know him as Josh. Or you might not know him at all. Or, if you really do know him, then you would know him by a name that is actually not Josh at all (or would you…), and then you would tell him that some crazy girl is talking about him and every detail of her life on a blog. Ha. …Please don’t.

There aren’t any details anyway. I just saw him. He was cool. Chillin. Listened to my songs. Briefly complained that I wasn’t at the last two open mic nights that he was at. I responded with how he wasn’t at the last one I was at. Good times. Then we both went our separate ways with the vague notion that we’d both be at the next open mic night again…Vague notion, promise, threat, something like that.

Also, I got five hours of sleep last night. I am tired.
So, I’m going to go to sleep, and hopefully I’ll wake up and do everything I need to do, including my massive homework assignment that is due in four days, but I have to finish in two because I am busy. (Music stuff. Life stuff. A desire to not ever do homework again resulting in an irrational hope that doing it all on Friday night will save me from future misery.)

Well, night, sleep tight, don’t let the man-eating piranhas bite.


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I should sooooo be asleep right now…

Good morning.

I had a great Monday.

A very musical Monday.

A happy Monday.

And now I’m exhausted and I have homework do in the next forty-eight hours, and I very much need sleep.

But, I was trying to do schoolwork and only half succeeding, so I wanted to do a little update here before I went to sleep.


Update: Someone asked me to join a ukulele club that they started up, we met for the second time today, and it was lovely. There were six of us, and lots of interested people.

After Ukulele club, I went to my second open mic night at this random bar, and they applauded and cheered and one lady asked me if I had a business card because she wanted to tell a local show manager about me, to get me set up with a show or something.

(The first ukulele club meeting and my first open mic night at that same random bar were last week, and they went well too, but this week…I haven’t been distracted by little things like emotional break downs, so I can appreciate the happy times better.)

It was good.

Monday was a good day.

Now…it’s Tuesday. Early morning Tuesday. Day of Graduate classes. Day of running to the library to frantically print out whatever I think I need for my last class. Wednesday I have part of a project due that involves a three to four page paper, Thursday is another day of classes, and Thursday night is another open mic night…Another chance to play music.

I just have to get through three days, then I get to play more music.

But first, I have to sleep.

I am so tired that I keep wanting to type random things that are even less connected than the sentences I already have been typing.





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Sleep deprivation suits me.

I composed a super excited post yesterday about how happy I was that I finally had my laptop working, after it was mysteriously died and refused to function a year back, and about how happy I was that my brother bought me a new charger and got rid of all the viruses, and how life was wonderful now that I could use my laptop, and I clicked the post button and went to view my first post in a year via my wonderful computer, and half the words in the post were blue. Highlighted blue. With hyperlinks. To things. Things that I did not hyperlink my words to.

So, I’m guessing there is still something wrong with my computer. Unless that’s a new wordpress thing, to automatically link your words to shifty advertisements for computer sales when you highlight them? I do not think so.

Anyway, my brother’s going to check it out for me, I hope, and in the meantime I’ll keep posting on the family computer. Where the computer history is saved and my super secret undercover blog can easily be found in half a second. Good thing I don’t ENTIRELY care about whether my family stumbles upon this SUPER SECRET UNDERCOVER blog….

On the plus side, I found out that I can survive on two and a half hours of sleep! I even managed to set up a tea party for my niece and play some ukulele music for her! (She’s a great audience. She lets me know which songs she does or doesn’t like and, if I ask, she’ll tell me why.)

“Why? Why, did I only get two and a half hours of sleep?”, you ask. Why, because I stayed up until two in the morning with my brother playing a zombie shooting island survival game…and then I huddled in my bed slightly terrified and only was able to sleep after distracting myself by watching videos and reading articles from http://chastityproject.com/ for two hours. (Pretty interesting stuff, you should check it out. ;D)

I woke up at 7…and then again at 7:06, (precious six minutes), and then I started babysitting until my father came home and wonderfully took my niece with him on a trip to his SUPER FUN AND EXCITING classroom to organize things!

And so, this brings me to now. I am typing a post, fueled by only two and a half hours of sleep and half a cup of tea. Not to mention the energy derived from the excitement that a small child having a tea party provides. I have so many plans for the rest of the day: exercise, shower, play music, clean up the tea party mess…but I’ll probably end up napping and miss half of that. Hopefully I make it through the shower…

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this overly detailed and sleep deprived account of the last eighteen hours of my life, I know I did! Ha…ha….

I need sleep.

– Cdukulele





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The dryer is running, and other things in my life.

It’s Sunday. Happy Sunday. A day of coffee drinking and cake eating, and heck, why not throw some chocolate in there while I’m at it?

That covers the spiritual, moving on…

Physical, emotional, literal? Friendships, love, happiness, family?
What to talk about…

My body. Still hurts from nerve damage. Today, or I mean, yesterday, I stood up from the couch and my entire head started to get fuzzy and then my legs began to feel weighted down. This happens from time to time. Then the backs of my thighs started throbbing in pain, and my head began to ache. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a sign that my surgery went wrong and now I’m going to die from a spinal fluid pop or something. I know simultaneously too much and too little about my illness and the subsequent surgery to know what’s up. I figure I’m fine. I’m too exhausted to think about it. Things aren’t as bad as they were back when my neck broke, so I figure there’s nothing serious…I hope…and if there is, what are they going to do, another surgery? No way, sir. My body is still recovering from that last one. Anyway, I think it was all just from standing up too quickly…But I worry.

My emotions. The guy. The guy who I nick-named John. I just. It hurts, you know? When you have no friends and your only choice of things to dwell on is whether you think you might die at any moment, or whether that a guy you code-named John likes you, you tend to choose the latter. But both tend to be painful. That guy John sure makes you happy sometimes though. You just wish you made him happy. And that you weren’t that annoying chick who keeps talking to him.

My work. I’m employed, so I could also be thinking about that, but I work every day next week, so the week seems like a good time to think about that, and not now. At least I’m blessed with a job that requires me to think, and doesn’t require me to sit at a desk.

…My neck is starting to ache now, so I’m going to end this. I wrote a two paragraph rant about work, and erased it and rewrote different things about work over and over, and now I’m exhausted.


Goodnight. Good morning. Thanks for reading, thanks for visiting, thanks for following, thanks for liking any of my poems or my writings. Thanks for feedback and comments and caring, or even just responding so that people see your name and thus your blog, as long as whatever you say isn’t literally : “READ MY BLOG”. I mean, by all means, mention your blog or whatever you want to mention, but please at least acknowledge the fact that you’ve read whatever it is that you’re supposedly commenting on. I get so excited when I have comments…and so disappointed when all they are is advertisements of other blogs. SPEAK TO ME. Please. I like speaking back.


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