Tag Archives: sarcasm

Fireworks and distractions

Happy July 4th, I love America.


Now that I’ve displayed patriotism, I shall talk about other things. Or maybe this day of independence celebrated by exploding things connects to what I’m about to say – because a lot of people drink beer and then light explosives off that are inches from their fingertips on July 4th, and they lose fingers, and I just put some board games away while cleaning and suddenly my finger is in agony and I can’t bend it. I hurt my finger. That’s how it relates. I didn’t blow my finger off with a firework – but I did hurt it… putting away a game.

As I type this out with one hand and contemplate how frequently and easily I hurt myself, and the fact that my foot still throbs because it’s probably broken too, and I woke up this morning with legs cramping and a body saying – Catherine, I hate you, we hate the world, roll back over and go to sleep, I wonder at what point I’ll have to inform the people I love of my injuries. I don’t like informing people of my pain, their reactions are usually very pitying, and pestering, and involve things like telling me to go to the hospital…and asking me things like why I haven’t been to the hospital yet…

So, I made a doctor’s appointment online for a week and a day from now, and I’ll just ward off their comments until then by masking my pain as exhaustion and anti-social behavior… Except I recently wound up with a boyfriend and he really likes to hold my hand, and he might notice me wincing in pain…or take anti-social behavior personally.

I was wondering the first two weeks of this relationship whether dating him was a good idea, because he seemed to like me so much, and I seemed just about perfect and flawless in his eyes, while he’s a normal human being – but now I remember that I’m secretly bound to fall apart at any moment, and him being able to accept that would be a miracle in itself and that – followed with his continued attempts to actually love me and will my good, would pretty much mean I should marry him…

I’m getting ahead of myself though.

Right now all I know is I’m in pain and it sucks, and I don’t wanna let anyone know because then I get treated like an invalid, except by the doctors who are just like “Yep, you broke something, here’s another cast!”, and then send me out the office because all I am is another patient. So then it’s me, in a cast, facing the pitiful faces of those I love and attempting to make them think everything is fine so that they’ll let me continue to live a semblance of a normal life.

Well, it’s a normal life for me…breaking bones.

I’m probably fine, but I needed to vent.

Pray for me dear readers. Prayers work miracles. In fact, thanks for your prayers for my friend with cancer – all her tumors disappeared. Praise be to God!

He’s the reason for my hope, my joy, and also why I don’t like making a huge deal when I hurt myself, because it always gets better.


I do need to go to the doctor though.

Okay, bye!





Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Lower that Bar!

A female friend and I went out with two of our guy friends the other night (I’ll name them Mike and Don), and because these guys are particularly unafraid of awkward conversations and ever dwelling on their own singlehood, Don suddenly asked my friend and I why we weren’t married yet.

We didn’t have much to say in response to that, other than the usual “Haven’t met ‘The One'”, (even though neither of us is really idealistically holding out for a “soul mate” so much as someone who cares as much about their soul getting to heaven), and then Don attempted to go on a tirade about women being too picky.

I pointed out that he was older than us and unwed, and then he tried to start using the biological clock argument to put the blame back on us, followed by his own claim that he was never getting married after I told him to mind his own business and stop talking about our ovaries. Apparently he hasn’t found “the one” either, because no woman can appreciate his rich sense of humor, but it doesn’t matter if he’s unwed as much because we’re women, and we’re the ones who have the time limit on finding true love.

The message of the night: If you’re a woman you have to not be so picky about who you are going to marry, because you MUST have kids before that clock runs out! If you’re a man, it’s totally acceptable to be single and brood about it all your life, because no woman really understands you.


#biological clock
#I don’tknow how to use hashtags




Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing

Love advice for guys (about girls).

Hello dear friend, have you recently found yourself in the following situation:

You’ve said hello to a girl, added her on facebook, spent some time in her presence, been generally nice to her, and now you have suddenly found that she likes you? You aren’t super attractive and are generally awkward and nerdy, and her declaration of infatuation catches you totally off guard. She is tall and beautiful and has the voice of an angel and is basically a supermodel, and now, she likes you, but you pretty much were just her friend and now you don’t know what to do because while she has a million positive qualities, your own self confidence and fear of friends commenting on the height difference generally prevents you from seeing her as anything more than a friend?
Congratulations! You are an idiot.
However, any girl that fell for you probably fell for you because of your personality and because she wanted to, that being said, this probably had less to do with you than with incredible luck, so it will be pretty hard to make her UN- fall in love with you, and I have no advice.

I had a bunch of advice, but it basically came down to avoiding her, but I then realized that it would make it seem like you weren’t her “friend”, and apparently people in this society value having friends over not torturing the people who are in love with them.

Also, I realized that I have no idea how to make people fall out of love, because most of the advice given to me about falling out of it involves falling in love with someone else – and that worked so well for Romeo.

Anyway, I’ve spent two hours editing my list down and cutting out sarcastic diatribes that pretty much just proved how hopeless I am, so I’m done now.

Good luck.

Be yourself and someone will probably fall in love with you.

As long as yourself has a sense of humor, plays guitar, and has a good singing voice.

If you don’t want them to fall in love with you, stop being so awesome and letting them know about it.

– Cat

1 Comment

Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Various writing

Working on Humility

I read my last poem to my cousin and my brother and they busted out laughing.

Apparently I’m obsessed.

Not crazy, nobody said I was crazy, but I clearly devote a lot of time and energy to the one topic of this guy and all things heart related, and I should probably stop.



My brother started playing with a plastic toy dinosaur, opening and shutting its mouth in time with my words as I read my poem.

My cousin innocently said that my brother was the only one making fun of me, and my poem wouldn’t have been so humorous if she didn’t know who it was about.

I folded up my printed copy of my poem and returned it to my room, vowing to never read another one to them again, and to never write another poem about any of my crushes that I’ve told them about again.



Sorry for my sappy poetry. Hope it’s not all hilariously ridiculous.

At least I have a job. There’s one successful thing I’ve got going for me.




Filed under Various writing