Tag Archives: problems

ODR: What my life looks like to God.

I came back from visiting my friend in August and I was suddenly very thoughtful. On September 12, 2014 I composed this post. I don’t think it went along with my general whining about gradschool, so I saved it until now…It starts in italics, so I’m adding little dash lines to make it clear where my commentary ends and the post begins. Here come the dashes… ALSO, apparently I published this once and then unpublished it. I don’t know the story behind that…

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I want that. Or I want that. That hurt, I want this instead. That will make me happy. Or maybe that will make me happy. I am so sad. This is all so sad, why are you letting me be so sad GOD! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO GOD!??? Oh look, a guy! He will make me happy. YAY, we are chilling like best friends and he is giving me so much attention and…Now he is gone. I am sad again. GOD….GOD, WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING PEOPLE AWAY FROM ME? WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING HAPPINESS AWAY!!!!!Oh look, another guy! He’ll make me happy! We can be best friends and maybe he’ll be the one that really understands me and makes me complete and—- GOD, HE LEFT ME AGAIN.

There are brief moments in my life where I realize something. They aren’t typically very profound somethings, and often I forget them upon learning them. So…here’s one:

I keep trying to find happiness in the world. In people. In things. And yes, people and things can be good and they can bring you joy, and you’re ultimately supposed to be happy, but they’re not going to make you happy all the time. They’re going to fail. You’re going to fail. I fail.

I’m not going to be perfectly happy. All the time. Currently. In this life. It’s not possible.

Something will go wrong.

And this sounds like a pessimist thing, and it kind of is.

But…It’s…It shouldn’t be.

Because the deal is, while this world is imperfect, perfection exists.

While there is suffering, joy exists.

While there is pain, there is someone who takes all that pain and turns it into something beautiful, who takes the suffering, and saves…and because he did it, because he was able to, we can try.

We can take the painful moments in our life, and turn them into joy.

We can get through it.

We can accept the suffering, and …move forward, and move with joy, because sure…it’s not perfect, but it’s life, and there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and that’s God…and life with him..

And I don’t…I don’t like to talk about….Suffering, or rather about just accepting suffering and being discontent…Because I don’t want to be…Because I want perfect happiness…and I want everything now…and I’m impatient…

But…I also know that it’s possible that I may  not get everything I want now, and maybe what I want isn’t always good…Because I keep noticing that what I want keeps leaving me….

And so…I guess I learned that…I have to keep being patient and keep doing my best.

And that every guy I ever liked not liking me back might not ultimately be a bad thing…Because maybe God has better plans. Like for someone who actually likes me to tell me that he does and for me to like him back…and for that to happen when I’m ready for it to happen, whenever that is.

Those were just some thoughts…After scanning my posts for the last couple months.

Well, goodnight, I hope you’re doing well, and that you’re persevering through whatever you need to persevere through, and that something wonderful happens tomorrow and you notice it.

– Catherine

 

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Filed under ODR: Old Drafts Revisited

Fickle

My heart is too fickle.

I still miss John.

(In fact, I’m resisting the urge to send him a message right now that thinly veils that fact while attempting to strike up some sort of innocent conversation.)

Maybe I just miss writing songs with him and laughing at his jokes and our mutual friendship that I killed by a proclamation of love?

I guess that would include missing him.

I started writing songs last August inspired by the stupidity of my heart and various crushes that I wanted to get over in some way.

In ten months I’ve written more than twelve songs. I say more than twelve, because of my endless musical ramblings and song attempts, only twelve decent songs came out that were good enough for the outside world. Twelve that weren’t complete mush and heartbroken unrequited love songs that nobody else would enjoy.

It’s enough for a cd.

John said he would help me record a cd once…

But that was before we stopped talking like friends do.

Now my only consolation is a guy half-way across the world that I’m realizing I have very little in common with, besides our faith in Jesus and appreciation of the English language, and the acquaintance who invited me to jam with him at his friend’s house after I hadn’t seen him for five months. I declined the invitation. It seemed unwise to go to a near complete stranger’s houses in the middle of the night all by myself. Since that declined invitation, the man in question has been politely chatting with me for a few minutes every open mic night. For some reason I haven’t taken the same liking to him that I did to John, or at least I don’t trust him as much. Perhaps it’s because he’s several years older than John and several inches taller. Perhaps it’s because I hung out with John for several hours every week. Actually, no, it’s probably just the fact that I know I could probably take John in a fight. Or at least, severely injure him and escape. This is possibly one of the reasons why John didn’t encourage any more than a friendship between us. I am blessed with the gift of height. John is not. He also weighs probably a good 30 to 40 pounds less than me….and I’m actually rather slender… And so, the moral of the story is not to have guy friends that are physically smaller than you, because if you ever get a crush on them, they will be self-conscious and intimidated by your height and stature and will leave you broken hearted and pining after their stupidity.

The End.

I hope you enjoyed that moral lesson.

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Various writing

Love song problems

Okay, so, is there any way to sing a love song in the presence of someone you already told you had a crush on, without them thinking the song is about them?

Without right out saying “THIS SONG IS NOT ABOUT YOU”, or something like that?

I’m not going to lie and state that it’s not about them, because it kind of is, I mean, they inspired it, but I don’t want them to know that. I don’t want to be the creepy person who sings love songs to the person they have a crush on, when they’re trying to act like they don’t have a crush on them, and not add any pressure.

I mean, I’ve already had a guy do that to me, and it was creepy.

I wouldn’t even be singing this song in front of my crush in the first place, but he goes to the same open mic night as me, and I really like the song, and everyone I’ve played it for so far likes it. I have to play it.

But John can’t know.

Maybe he won’t be there.

Maybe.

 

HELP ME! Advice? What do you think? Can I play a love song written about a guy in the audience, without creeping him out?

I mean, it’s not a creepy song it’s just “You make me happy, blah blah blah, life is wonderful, all because of you, blah blah blah.”

It’s NOT CREEPY! It’s not. Really. Unless he hears it and thinks that I’m trying to make him like me. Then it’s creepy. Otherwise, it’s a cute little love song, like the dozen others I’ve written. Except now the person I’m singing about will actually be there.

What should I do?

PLEASE COMMENT and advise. Even if it’s horrible advice. Tell me something!

 

Thanks,

– Cdukulele

 

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

Problems for today.

I’ll find a way to get through today.

These problems are enough for me.
These problems are enough.

I do not need to dwell
On tomorrow’s own personal swell
Of pain and agony

Today’s enough.

 

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Filed under General Poems