Tag Archives: praying

I’m sorry

Dear Ex, I’m sorry.

I went to the last place we were together today, I had to for a school related thing, and I walked past the places that we walked past, and through the doors you walked through after you kissed me on the cheek for the last time. I missed you, and I’m sorry.

I wanted to be with you, I still want to be with you, and it is because you’re smart and you’re funny, and you tend to get my jokes. It’s because you’re sweet and you’re sensitive and you want to give the world to the people you love. It’s because you care, and you care deeply. It’s because you want to love.

I know that you are trying, or at least that you want to try, please know that I’m trying to…But at some point I realized that no matter how much we tried, you were still looking for someone to make you accept yourself, and I was accepting you beyond what was right, in order to not be alone.

It would have been more loving to tell you sooner that you needed to find yourself before trying to be with someone. It would have been more loving to let you have the personal space to realize your own worth, before becoming mixed up in your calculations of what it meant to be loveable. It would have been more loving to let you be my brother in Christ, rather than being the woman in your life…to let you know unconditional love, than to make you think that you were only loved on romantic conditions.

I’m sorry, because now the romance has crumbled and the friendship that could have been is shattered.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you love yourself…I’m sorry I couldn’t make you realize that you are enough just in who you are, that you don’t have to be enough for me, just for God…and I’m hoping, praying, that as you go on in life, you realize that you are loved, and loved more fully and better by someone who loves you more than I ever could or will.

I’m sorry, I love you, and I wish you the best.

I hope that I can grow too, that I can become stronger and heal from the pain, that I can build strong friendships and worry less about romance, that I will be able to look back on our memories and relationship and not dwell on the pain, and not dwell on my longing, but rather after some time to be able to look back and see how much we’ve grown…To see how much stronger, how much better, how much holier we are. To see how we’ve changed and grown closer to God, how we’ve used our gifts to build up and love the people around us. To see us happy and content even if completely apart. And to see you either become a priest or be happily married to a beautiful woman of God. Either one of those would be great.

Anyway, that’s what I’m hoping for, and in the meantime I love you and will love you from afar, as my brother in Christ, praying we both become closer to Christ, Amen.

P.s. I blocked you on facebook.

P.p.s. I have faith that God has better plans for us than each other. [Does that sound bad? If so then I’m kind of proving my point then, aren’t I? I mean, COME ON, how can I be the one for you (God is the only true ONE for all of us) if I’m offending you all the time. Case and point. LOVE YA AS A BRO, BRO!]

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing

Swirl of thoughts before 2am.

I’m kinda at the point where I am so focused on the things I must take care of currently that other really important things, like friendship and life and health, kinda just swirl around in the back of my mind until I can find free time to get to them.

Part of me just wants to let them swirl for a while.

I’ve been working on lesson plans and school, and figuring out ways to teach grammar that are 1% lesson, and 99% excuses for me to sing songs and have fun.

I’ve also been working on friendships. The amateur film I said I’d help out with resulted in me spending most of my Saturday in a tiny apartment waiting for my scenes while drunk people kept forgetting their lines and my stomach growled in hunger.

If I had anticipated the time consuming aspect of that night, and the people smoking all over the place, I probably wouldn’t have agreed to it. …

There is a lot going on. I’m either underwhelmed by life or overwhelmed by it. Never just whelmed…

On the plus side, I’m being whelmed by a lot more stuff than I used to be whelmed by.

It’s like my tolerance for whelminess has gone up.

Anyway, it’s nearly two am and I should be asleep, but I just attempted to plan a lesson and I’m sitting next to a pile of papers, pondering my life and my future and my stresses and everything I need to do, and I decided I needed to blog and organize some thoughts.

Write them down.

I feel better when something’s finally written.

Like all the swirling in the back of my mind thoughts may not resolve themselves away, but that I’m a step closer when I acknowledge that they are there.

They’re there.

It’s two am.

I’m sleepy and stressed, but I care.

Goodnight.

8 Comments

Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Failure to communicate

Some very lovely person nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award, and I was going to do all the rules and stuff that it required to get my very special award, but after spending a half hour working on the post, and the an additional two hours trying to find 15 other bloggers to nominate, I gave up with plans to finish it at a future date.

Since then I’ve been overwhelmed by life and I can’t go any longer without a post, so I’m breaking the promise I made to that nominator that whatever I posted next would be about that.

I can’t handle it.

Anyway, my life lately is its usual mix of problems, stressed by school, stressed by my general level of perceived failure, stressed by the dichotomy of being called to love my brothers and sisters in Christ and wanting to forget certain people ever existed…

First I was sick for a week, then I went out all weekend and enjoyed my life instead of staying inside and doing all of my homework for the next month so I wouldn’t feel so stressed, like I planned, and now another week of grad school has come upon me, and I haven’t even played ukulele for like, two weeks…which is too long.

So I just started composing another bitter song about a guy, and it’s the first time I’ve played my ukulele in at least a week, so life has been pretty difficult.

I might have a bitter song about a maladjusted male incapable of friendship breaking hearts just in time for Valentine’s day. Sweet.

Plus, it’s totally inspired by real life that is currently happening…Or texts messages just received in the last four hours, and a broken friendship that has been going on for far too long.

It’s also heavily biased, as all my songs are, possibly to the point of fictionalization…The feelings are real though. …HA. Feelings. So apt to change.

Anyway, I’m just frustrated by life, guys, school, my health, computer programs, the messy state of my room, aches, how I’m not attracted to the guys who are probably completely kindhearted gentlemen of Christ that I come across, and I have this stupid obsession with actually being attracted to a potential suitors, and how I could hardly define any guy I’ve ever had any communication with ever as a suitor, and how everything is just flippin’ annoying and I’m frustrated. (As a side note, typing “suitors” in yahoo search, which apparently is my internet browser’s go to search engine now :P, brings up Odysseus in regards to Penelope’s suitors…at least one thing is right with the world.)

Plus, I just did an online assignment, and I put like, 3 hours of work into this ridiculous thing, and when I went to post, the same post got posted twice, and I didn’t find out about it until a half hour after the assignment was due, and then I fixed it, but now I probably won’t even get the 1 stupid point that the assignment was worth, because I was too hasty to re-read what I posted a second time.

So yeah, and then, I’m frustrated about the guy who doesn’t communicate with me except to tell me that he wants to talk on the phone, and then when we do talk it’s all about his life and his plans, and I can’t tell him about me because whenever he asks I don’t want to tell him anything because I don’t trust him and I pretty much marked off this relationship friendship thing as merely an excuse for him to vent, and so far, he hasn’t seemed to notice, which makes me want to share even less, and I really should either just talk to him about it, or freeze him out entirely, and I am way too worn out, and don’t even want to deal with him or really have him in my life, because I see no good coming from it.

My life is doing a very great job of trying to be the death of me right now. I need more tea and less tears and more friends and less of these friend-zoned-not-even-a-friend people, and I need to get to a point in my life where I can get past the part where I’m overwhelmed by life and just handle it again. Maybe it’ll help if I stop saying “need” so much? Maybe it’ll help if I go off the grid, and the only people who can contact me are the people I see in person or my long-distance friends via e-mail? Maybe it’ll help if my best friend resurfaces on the face of the planet because she’s just disappeared for the last month and I would totally call her family if I had their number?

…The other day I just wanted to be abandoned at a Church so I could crumple in a ball in some corner, unnoticed and unusable, and just pray and cry and cry until God just tapped me on the shoulder and said “I love you, it’s okay, now here is how you do everything, and here’s the plan for what you need to do, I’m with you, let’s do it!” I also wanted to smash plates. I was angry and depressed and holding it all in and ridiculously laughing at the pain in my life, and at some point I cried.

I’m hurting dear sisters and brothers in Christ. I’m hurting fellow inhabitants of the world. I’m hurting and I don’t flippin’ know what to do, and I’m pretty sure the first step is communicate.

I talked to the family and they not know.

I need to talk to God.

I need to go on a retreat.

I haven’t time to go on a retreat.

I need to survive until the retreat.

I need to keep trudging, broken and wounded, and not even knowing why or how, until I can finally stop and heal.

Because life just keeps going and I’m being pulled along…OHMYGOSH, like a dead dog. (Chesterton. Everlasting Man*).

I have got to fight the stupid current. But if it was a current it would be easier…I might be fighting the current right now.

If you lost my train of thought, you can wait at the station, next thought is leaving in five….four….three…two…

I should probably just go to sleep, things are better in the morning. In the morning I think “Must survive this day, must survive this day, do A, B, and C, survive today and move on”, in the evening I think “Today was horrible, I don’t want to have to go through that again tomorrow, there has to be a better way, I am trapped in an endless circle of suffering through my days, Oh my Lord, really? Why are you doing this to me? Haven’t I suffered enough in my brief twenty-three years of life? Don’t I get a free pass to be happy now? Don’t I get sunshine and flowers and people showering me with love and money and the answers to all of my life problems? Don’t I get something!??? SOMETHING BESIDES THIS???? ” and then I cry, and my Mom tells me to go to bed, and then the next day it’s “Just get out of bed. Just do all the homework you have to do. Just eat something because otherwise your stomach hurts from hunger. Be nice to your niece. Do the rest of your homework. Try to dress warm for school. Go to school. Enjoy walking outside. Be intelligent in the classroom. Leave school….Start to dwell on the fact that you have more work and will simply repeat this process tomorrow and the next day and the next for the next year until you get a degree to go teach the stuff that you have been biting your tongue while learning.”

Yep, that’s my life.

I’m going to go make a list of what I enjoy now, and try to figure out how to make myself happier, because this has been incredibly depressing. I apologize. Especially because I ate ice cream today. A person with access to ice cream should not be allowed to complain as much as I do. But I do. Because ice cream can’t buy happiness.

And in case you were wondering, what Chesterton said was: “A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.”

-cdukulele

P.S. Please don’t be depressed because of me, I wish you only feelings of happiness and contentment, I in no way want my pain to impact your level of satisfaction with life. It’ll probably be okay. Eventually.

8 Comments

Filed under Cdukulele's life.

A prayer.

I’ve got to try. Be strong and pray. I want to trust. It’s hard though, no matter how much they say

it’ll be generally better

it will be alright

you will get through this.

Lord, Lord. If this is how you treat your friends, no wonder you have so many enemies.

Lord, Lord. I love you.

Why are you so silly? Why does everything you do seem to confuse me?

Why am I so confused?

Dear sweet Lord, I am confused.

Help me.

Forgive away, be kind, succeed. Do not lie, do be honest, create, be happy, and do good without greed. Give your best, for it all comes down, to you and the Lord. 

Lord, I love you,

how do I know when I’m heard?

Lord, I need you,

oh help me trust in your Word.

Melt this heart that’s cold with sin,

Heal the heart that’s crumbling from within,

Save this heart that’s wearing thin.

Lord, I need you, I love you, I cannot handle it anymore.

Not alone.

Not being alone.

Not each poem.

Ripping every shred of heart, pieces gone and dead of art.

Lord. You’re there. You’re always there. You’ve been there. There. The

I AM

who is

always

here.

Lord, help me, and hear my prayer.

Amen.

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under All Poetry, Cdukulele's life., Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems