Tag Archives: Prayers

Moving On…

So, it’s Sunday, I’ve had a relaxing day – I slept in, had a mocha, enjoyed a satisfying if not particularly healthy breakfast, and I blocked my ex on social media.

Not because I hate him, I don’t hate him, but because I kept seeing his name pop up and it would stab me in the heart a little bit, and I do not need to be able to stalk my ex on the internet.

Sometimes it’s necessary to cut someone out of your life entirely so that you can both heal, grow, and move on.

I want that for us. I want us to be healthy and mature apart from each other.

And it just hurts too much right now to have him be so inaccessibly accessible in my life.

In other news, the rest of my life is going okay. There are definitely hurdles, everyone has problems…but I actually got a full night of sleep last night, and I think I might be able to do something good with my life and maybe live for others a bit.

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well, and that you have the strength when you need it to make the decisions that will help you be the best version of yourself that you can be…Even if the decision seems as trite as not having access to a certain person on social media.

 

Love and prayers for you all, dear readers.

Happy almost All Saints Day.

-Cdukulele

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Filed under Cdukulele's life., Cdukulele's love life.

Fireworks and distractions

Happy July 4th, I love America.

 

Now that I’ve displayed patriotism, I shall talk about other things. Or maybe this day of independence celebrated by exploding things connects to what I’m about to say – because a lot of people drink beer and then light explosives off that are inches from their fingertips on July 4th, and they lose fingers, and I just put some board games away while cleaning and suddenly my finger is in agony and I can’t bend it. I hurt my finger. That’s how it relates. I didn’t blow my finger off with a firework – but I did hurt it… putting away a game.

As I type this out with one hand and contemplate how frequently and easily I hurt myself, and the fact that my foot still throbs because it’s probably broken too, and I woke up this morning with legs cramping and a body saying – Catherine, I hate you, we hate the world, roll back over and go to sleep, I wonder at what point I’ll have to inform the people I love of my injuries. I don’t like informing people of my pain, their reactions are usually very pitying, and pestering, and involve things like telling me to go to the hospital…and asking me things like why I haven’t been to the hospital yet…

So, I made a doctor’s appointment online for a week and a day from now, and I’ll just ward off their comments until then by masking my pain as exhaustion and anti-social behavior… Except I recently wound up with a boyfriend and he really likes to hold my hand, and he might notice me wincing in pain…or take anti-social behavior personally.

I was wondering the first two weeks of this relationship whether dating him was a good idea, because he seemed to like me so much, and I seemed just about perfect and flawless in his eyes, while he’s a normal human being – but now I remember that I’m secretly bound to fall apart at any moment, and him being able to accept that would be a miracle in itself and that – followed with his continued attempts to actually love me and will my good, would pretty much mean I should marry him…

I’m getting ahead of myself though.

Right now all I know is I’m in pain and it sucks, and I don’t wanna let anyone know because then I get treated like an invalid, except by the doctors who are just like “Yep, you broke something, here’s another cast!”, and then send me out the office because all I am is another patient. So then it’s me, in a cast, facing the pitiful faces of those I love and attempting to make them think everything is fine so that they’ll let me continue to live a semblance of a normal life.

Well, it’s a normal life for me…breaking bones.

I’m probably fine, but I needed to vent.

Pray for me dear readers. Prayers work miracles. In fact, thanks for your prayers for my friend with cancer – all her tumors disappeared. Praise be to God!

He’s the reason for my hope, my joy, and also why I don’t like making a huge deal when I hurt myself, because it always gets better.

 

I do need to go to the doctor though.

Okay, bye!

-Catherine

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Ending something that never began.

It is kind of insulting to tell me I overthink things. I can’t really turn off my brain.

It’s probably better to tell me that I misunderstood what you just said or did, because how can I really overthink it?

I can think that your words mean more than you intend them to mean…but maybe you simply weren’t tactful enough.

Or maybe there are things that I want to hear so badly that I’ll misinterpret it.

Maybe I do overthink, overthink so that I feel better about everything.

I fail at relationships with the opposite sex. On the plus side, I prayed for answers and it seems pretty clear.

Clear cut, painfully so: give up on this one.

So that seems to be the way my life goes, destined for singlehood. Which means I really ought to give up the pursuit.

I tried to give it up, and then he just turned up in my life, with the words and actions that I overthought. A week can be a lifetime for a relationship.

Romeo and Juliet lived it.

Infatuation to its fullest.

With death and poison as its fruit.

It hurts so much and I wish I could turn off that part of the brain, but I had free time, and in the idle moment I was distracted by loneliness and his presence, and it was what I chose to spend my time on.

I should spend my time on better things.

There are so many better things to spend time on.

But I hate spending so much time alone.

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

Update, God is Good!

My friend with cancer’s tumor has shrunk.

It’s wonderful news.

She keeps saying that my prayers are the reason for it.

I have no idea what God is up to and how much he’s working through me, but I’ll take it.

Thank you for your prayers too.

 

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Filed under Various writing

My close friend

My close friend, who is far away, wanted to speak to me yesterday.

My close friend, who is far away, talked with me and had something to say.

My close friend, who is far away, is in the hospital for a temporary stay.

My close friend, who is far away, told me and told me to not relay

the story of her sickness, the story that with quickness, in a short message no explanation, she gave a short telling with hesitation…

My close friend, who is so far away, has cancer.

 

I want to cry for my close friend, I want to cry for me.

I want to cry for my close friend, for the friend I hardly see.

I want to cry for my close friend, but the tears can’t do any good.

I want to cry for my close friend, but I don’t even know if I should.

 

What right have I to cry for her and for her pain…

Am I even crying for that, or for a friendship on the wane?

It is not fair for me to cry, she is the one who is suffering.

It is not fair for me to cry, crying can do nothing.

 

I am just the friend, I am not the one who is dying.

I am just the friend, and she cannot see me crying.

I am just the friend, and I must be strong for her

because if I am not strong, she cannot cry for her.

 

Please pray for my close friend.

 

 

 

 

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Filed under All Poetry

Shots of Nyquil – A poem –

Shots of Nyquil help me sleep
Sleep I do, but not so deep
Stuck in memories that keep
me shifting, tossing covers.

I am sick but I’m not cold
Still so young but feel so old
Wishing for the path untold
With fear of never trying.

Now I move to make me whole
I’m on a path to keep my soul
trudging grandly, to pay the toll,
a future still in question.

Oh to sing, it would be grand
for them to hear and understand
to look and see and give a hand,
a future that I dream of.

But on I march and quite unsure,
On I march, for I am her,
Steadily working without lure
toward the future I have chosen.

This is my life, or so it seems
This is my life, not stuff of dreams
This is my life, and all it brings
I hope will be enough.

Shots of Nyquil help me sleep
Sleep I do, but not so deep
Tossing covers do not keep
Me warm, but I’m not cold.

Dreaming of the life I’d lead
If I wasn’t drawn by need
To pay for bill, loan, or deed,
Oh what a life in question.

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Filed under General Poems

Bandages

I don’t like blood.

Especially other people’s blood.

Especially my Mom’s blood on paper towels, when she’s asking me if I think it was more or less than a tablespoon.

Especially when my Mom is describing the color of the blood to the advice nurse.

…My Mom’s fine though. Well, I mean, she’s not worse or anything, the blood was a normal result of her wound from last week. Just a little blood, we just had to bandage it up. Well, I just had to bandage it up.

That was unpleasant.

But this is why you don’t climb ladders by yourself.

Or be related to people who climb ladders by themselves.

To be fair, there was plenty of unpleasantness two years back when I had surgery, but I didn’t go around asking people questions about whether my wound was bleeding, and then loudly describe the blood to the advice nurse, and then need other people to bandage me up because I was brushing my teeth when my wound just started bleeding. I merely broke my neck. Broken necks don’t require bandages and don’t cause visible blood. They’re just broken. Other people can’t see they’re brokenness, you’re just in pain.

That’s what’s nice about broken bones, they don’t inconvenience others with their visibility. Unless they’re horribly broken. (Oh I hope I never get one of those frighteningly horrible bone breaks. Maybe I’ll live in a bubble. That will protect me…)

 

ANYWAY, …pray for my Mom. And me. And my family. And that my brother and Dad get less squeamish, so that they can bandage my Mom up next time, and that my Mom keeps getting better.

Thank you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing