Tag Archives: prayer

Sad tea-cups

…are those with almond milk in them instead of real milk.

Also, 5 minutes after posting my update about my friend with cancer having a smaller tumor, I got a text from her asking me to pray for her because she was in the worst pain yet. At two am, after I’d gotten two hours of sleep and inexplicably woke up, she contacted me again and we talked and she seemed to be better. I then stayed up til some crazy hour, and then woke up and had a fairly pleasant day. Knowing your friend is not as bad off as she was right before you went to bed that night has a way of making days better.

In other totally non-consequential news:

I might have gone on two dates with two different guys in the last two weeks, but nobody ever calls anything a date anymore so I really have no idea, but I kind of think one of the guys almost tried to kiss me judging by the strange pause at the end of the night just after we arrived at my car and took out my keys to leave. That would definitely put the second hang out in the “date” category, but the pause could have also simply been awkwardness. Who knows? I definitely don’t.
When you don’t go around kissing people you have no idea when you are in a kissing-people situation or not.

That’s my life.

P.S. Continued prayers for my friend are appreciated. Prayers for all totally confused young people who don’t know if they are on dates or not are also appreciated.

P.P.S. I have no idea how to balance talking about my feelings about my friend with cancer with my feelings about the rest of my life, as they are completely different segments of my life. However, the way life works is that everything just kinda gets shoved together and it is your life, and sometimes, 60-70 years later, you look back on it and maybe you see patterns, and then you write nice little uniform books about the experiences, or maybe sell the movie rights or whatever…But that doesn’t happen in the middle of the experience, when everything is happening at once and you don’t know what’s important and what’s not besides what you think about it in the moment. It is from this disjointed reality that my blog posts are born. In fifty to sixty years maybe I’ll write a book. For now you get the mess to make sense or nonsense of all on your own. Have fun!

 

 

 

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Coaxing my friend through Cancer

Our code word is hippopotamus.

That’s what she’s supposed to say when I’ve made one too many jokes about a rocky relationship or generally used my sense of humor to get over something serious in a non-serious way and accidentally erred on the side of injury.

She laughed out loud and asked if we could change it to platypus, because hippopotamus was much too difficult to say without laughing.

I told her that was half the point, and refused her request, then I added a note saying “code word: hippopotamus” to the word document I was keeping notes about our conversation in.

I didn’t realize how much I missed her until I saw her on the skype window, chatting away, laughing at my jokes, making the same familiar facial expressions, staring at me blankly when I said something stupid or made another joke that she didn’t think merited a laugh.

I miss her.

I miss her and I don’t want to let her go.

It’s selfish really, but I let her know that, the first half only, the missing. That part works out well for me though, because I’m going to go visit her in a week, so…pretty soon I’ll get to see her again…but then.

She doesn’t seem to concerned with it. We talked about the five stages of grief, and she’s floating somewhere between denial and all the other stages. We got to stage three, anger, and it talked about how the stages don’t really occupy a certain time, and you can just go from the last to the first and second and whatnot without any explanation, from one second to the next. Then we read stage four with depression, and it acted like this step was incredibly necessary, and it totally cancelled out the final comments for stage three that acted like you could bounce between the stages.

But, aside from the stages of grief discussion, most of our talk was about her boyfriend, and whether or not he was going through these stages, and how to fix their relationship.

I don’t know how to fix the relationship, and I don’t know how to fix the cancer. Neither of those are things anybody can fix really, they are both outside of my control, and outside of her control, as far as I can tell.

And so…all we really did was talk for two hours and it reminded me that my friend is dying and she is good and I love her and I miss her and I don’t want to lose someone close to me. But that’s selfish. But I let her know I loved her, because telling someone that is not selfish – not in this case. But not wanting to lose someone, is selfish, compared to not wanting to be lost.

And all she seems to care about is not losing somebody else.

So I’m praying for her healing and for her relationship, which to me is hardly as important as her simply staying alive, but still…I’m praying for both, and I’m trying to be there for my friend who is so many miles away.

And now I’m sharing this here for the other people who know people suffering from, fighting, living with cancer, and because…writing is what I do.

Thanks for your prayers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Pray and Love.

I haven’t posted for ten days, and my last post was on such a deep important issue that it’s hard for me to go back to the unimportant basics of my day.

It’s not hard for my mind to wander back to thinking about myself and my own problems, my own self-love and lack of superior concentration had me doing that within several minutes of composing that post…But thinking about it and writing about it are two different things. What justice is there in me talking about myself and my problems when there is so much suffering in the world? What justice is there in me writing about anything but that which is most important?

There may not be any justice in it…Unfortunately, I am not skilled and I am not perfect and I am not that dedicated. There are people who devote their time and their lives to writing about only important issues in the world, and philsophies, and such…and I…I am not one of them.

Sometimes I dabble…Like we all do…But it’s easy to throw in your two cents, a lot harder to dedicate a dollar.

I don’t know if I even have a dollar.

My thoughts on the issue so far…I’m not knowledgeable enough on the topic to give my thoughts.

I don’t want to give my thoughts.

I’m in this blog to vent and run away from my problems.

Not contemplate serious issues.

But now I’ve already thrown out my thoughts on a serious issue and it seems hard to walk away from.

I believe in God. I pray for Paris. I want people to love and take care of people, and I want people to be safe and protected.

I want life and love to be given a chance.

Speaking of which, babies are cute, and also, they are tiny humans.

Fetuses may not be as cute, but they are still tiny humans.

Zygotes may not have terms of endearment attached to them, but again, they are their own little humans. Unless it’s like a sheep zygote, in which case it’s a tiny sheep. At any rate, a zygote is the cell formed when two gametes/sex cells meet, and has it’s own tiny set of DNA making it it’s own unique self which has never existed and will never exist again. It’s entirely unique.

Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t mean it’s not important.

Just because they haven’t been born yet/don’t look like what you think a human should look like, doesn’t mean they aren’t valuable.

And there ends my post.

Love everyone, including the human zygotes.

 

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I will Pray for Paris.

I believe in a Creator of the universe who always existed, and being perfect, and loving so much, his love could not be contained and resulted in Creation coming to be as something outside of himself, created by his love.

I believe that this Creator, out of his supreme perfection, made the crown of this creation like himself, and gave human beings the capability to choose to love him, rather than compelling them to love him without choice, because real LOVE is an active choice of the will, to continuously strive for the good, and choose the good.

From these two religious beliefs spring the beliefs I have about life and how it should be lived, and what is required of me as an individual to remain true to my Creator and loving him. From the belief that we were created out of love comes the belief that we are created to love. From the belief that we must choose to love, comes the acceptance that sometimes people choose not to love, and the recognition that free will allows for both the beauty of choosing the right way, and the pain of choosing the wrong.

I have beliefs and I practice a religion. The more questions you ask me about my faith, the more I will attempt to explain the little parts of it and the reasoning behind it, the more I will try to explain how my love of God results in a love of my religion which only exists to show me how to best love my neighbor.

I suppose my love of neighbor can best be summed up as the following:

Treating my neighbor like they were created by the same love that created me and not harming them in any way.

And that is key to my religion. As part of my religion I pray, for myself and for my neighbor. I pray for the strength to love better, for guidance, and I pray for the world and that people can see the love of God in their lives and live it out more deeply.

Do not tell me that religion is the problem. Do not tell me that people hate each other because of religion, that without religion everything would be fine. Because yes, people use religion as an excuse for hatred, but more than that people use it as a way to love. I use it as a way to love.

And so I will pray. I will pray for the people who don’t believe that we were created out of love, who don’t believe that we are designed to love, and who don’t believe that love includes putting others before ourselves and not harming each other. For the people who use their beliefs as an excuse to hurt each other, for the people who believe that hurting each other somehow fulfills their beliefs. I will pray for Paris and I will pray for the world, and I will pray because I believe in the strength of prayers, and I believe in love.

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Tea date.

“How’s life?”

I’m freaked out that I’m gonna suddenly become a blind mute because of my bone disease that is super rare and I didn’t tell you about, but I probably shouldn’t be freaking out about because I’ve done pretty well so far, and I can’t remember anyone ever saying that such horrible scenarios were likely, but I stayed up til 1am looking up potential effects of my disease, and then I joined an online support group to talk to the 1 other person on the internet that I found with my condition, and like, I’m super stressed about that. Not to mention the burden of grad school and my friend with cancer….

“Oh it’s fine. How’s your life?”

—————–

Surprisingly, things didn’t go super badly after this brief, half truth I gave him in response to his question. We’re both introverts and so my lack of detailed response could have been viewed as simply that awkwardness that you still have when getting to know someone.

We spent the rest of our date (??? He paid for my Chai tea …does that make it a date?) staring at empty cups, each other, and the walls, and then speaking when sitting in silence lost its glamour.

We have the introvert thing down: You think a million thoughts, and then you choose the best one to say out loud, then you spend a good ten seconds hoping the other person will say something first.

After an immense amount of time hanging out in the coffee shop and attempting to converse, he drove me home and gave me a hug goodbye.

It’s going rather slowly…our conversations, our text messages, the rate at which we drank our drinks in the coffee shop, because if you’re not drinking something you have to be talking and that is just, so hard….but, it’s good.

I usually fall for people really fast and he’s kinda forcing me to think before I write five page poems about how obsessed I am with him. Like, he’s cute, he’s nice, he likes me, and I’m not obsessed. Things are just patiently taking their time. We’re developing a friendship. It’s good. Friendships help you talk to people more openly and tell them about things like…bone diseases…and your deepest fears. But there’s no reason to just, relay that part of yourself to someone on a first date. Or all of it.

Slow and steady wins the race, right?

I mean:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

So, I’m just making sure we got the first part down…There’s always time for the rest.

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Good job prayer warriors!

ONE OF MY FRIEND’S TUMORS MIRACULOUSLY DISAPPEARED!!!!

I thought she had just swirled into a pool of depression and wasn’t talking to me because I kept mentioning surgery in my texts, but apparently she just hadn’t seen my texts, and she came back from Rome with one less tumor!!

It is fantastic news.

I have to talk to her soon to find out more details and to see what she is doing about the other tumors that haven’t miraculously disappeared. I really hope she does something.

BUT 1 TUMOR GONE!!!! Thank you for all your prayers and love! Keep it up!

And to add to the happiness, I just went out with a guy I met at Church last week. We exchanged numbers and chatted and he kept complimenting me, and then I was all, “dude, why you compliment me so much?” And he was all, “I’m just being sincere,” and I was all “dude I can’t read sincerity in a text”, and he was all, “I get you”, and then it was all, “We should hang out in real life”, and then we totally made plans and I wrote a blog post about it. And we just went out and it was nice. 🙂

So my close friend might not die in the near future, and I went on my second date ever.
Life is going well.

 

 

 

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Survive.

I don’t have the time right now to cry for you, since you won’t make the time to cry for you.

Your friend and I have been consulting. Your friend, my friend, our friend.
We’re both trying to deal with your situation, because it doesn’t seem like you’re dealing with it.
I have the deck.

Two weeks and then I’m doing something.
Is two weeks too much time, will it be too late?
Two weeks is enough time for you to find out whether or not God has healed you.
With faith to move mountains, he can surely heal a tumor.
But God doesn’t always work the way we expect…and I don’t know what you expect.
But, it may not happen the way you want, and then…then I have to pray that you love us enough to understand that we love you enough to want you to live.

Two weeks.
Then I’ll tell you everything I think. Will I have time? I’ll have to have time. You’ll have to have time…Because in two weeks, you’ll either be healthy, or still dying but finally acknowledging it for the world to see.

How are you so calm?

Because if you stopped for a moment to think about it, you’d never pull yourself together.
I wish you felt safe enough to let yourself fall apart.
I wish I was there so that you could fall apart.
I wish I could be there to love you, unconditionally, to ease you from this time of nonstop rush without a thought, to actually thinking, accepting, suffering, and getting through this.

I want you to get through this.

I love you, so get through this.

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