Tag Archives: plans

Putting things in Perspective

Life is good.

I’m working on the developing meaningful friendships with people of the opposite sex, and everyone really, and not being so obsessive.

I’m working really slowly, but I’m working on it.

I’m kind of critical of myself and paranoid about what others think of me sometimes. I think that a lot of what they do or don’t do is directly related to some fault of mine. I should stop thinking that way. It’s not healthy, because I can really only control myself and I probably have very little negative influence on these people, if any at all, and if it is there, then it’s probably nothing I can control.

But I tend to think I can control it, and want to control it, because I want to be accepted and approved of.

I don’t know why.

Maybe it’s because I feel so dependent upon others and so unable to really take care of myself, like without people I would be very badly off, and so I want them to approve of me and like me so that I feel safe and secure, because I don’t trust me to take care of me.

And I don’t trust me to take care of me because physically my body still can’t handle as much as a “healthy” person (or so I think), and mentally I’m afraid of something breaking or going wrong and being completely dependent upon others again, especially because the need for neurosurgery came out of nowhere, the neck breaking happened just as I was getting better, and I’m still not confident I’m completely recovered / I expect something else to go wrong.

But nothing should go wrong.

But something could go wrong.

So I obsess about finding people to support and take care of me as insurance against the possibility that I will be helpless and alone.

But life is going good…because…I’m finding people I think I can depend on? People who tell me to stop thinking so negatively. People who give me a slightly more positive outlook, not only in the realm of having people to depend on, but in the realm of actually being able to take care of myself at some point, and that everything will be okay.

Life is good because there are people in my life reminding me that it can be good. Reminding me that I should have a little faith, I can have a little faith.

That it will be okay.

That I’ll get through it, and I won’t be alone, and that I will be able to take care of myself.

Then again I could be struck by lightening tomorrow. That’d be bad…But that’d also be incredibly unlikely, as most of the negative things I dwell on probably are, so I should focus again on trusting in God and trusting in him working through me.

And that is how my mind works, think of something small, go to the extreme of blowing it out of proportion, go back to seeing it in the correct view, calm down.

It will be okay, and it is okay.

Peace and love to you.

 

 

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Deeply thinking about doing something…

I have 47 drafts of unpublished posts for this blog, and so I’m trying to spiff up this one from last night so that it doesn’t join that graveyard of past writings.

Except this is merely an informational post, and I’m slightly tempted to just relate my conversation of destroyed sleeping schedules that my Mom and I just had, or theorize about the guy I have a crush on at the moment, or contemplate the joys of my friendship with this other male…

But since I totally just made this blog post about all of that without going into detail, I’ll move on to my main topic.

Here it is:

I am going to do stuff.

 

If you don’t know what that means, that’s only because I’m not quite sure what it means, but if I clarify it then I’ll definitely be held accountable to having some sort of a plan, or I’ll feel that way, so I might remain vague. Plus, I read once online that the more you talk about your plans, the less likely you are to do them, because they become cemented in your mind as though they’ve already happened. So vagueness is a definite plus, I’ll give you the background of my decision though.

Firstly, in an effort to be more involved with my readers and wordpress, and to have a bit of a community thing going here/feel more connected, I tend to visit the blogs of people who visit me. I was doing this yesterday, glancing at posts of people who liked my posts, and I came across a blog called  beautybeyondbones, and I started reading it. After liking one post, I upped to stalker status and read and liked and commented on several more, and then I followed the blog, because I related to it.

I don’t have anorexia, or anything like that, if you know me at all you know vaguely that I had a fairly intense surgery three years ago Thursday (Woah, how time flies…), and as far as recovery goes, that’s all I’m really dealing with.

But reading her posts helped me think about what’s stopping me from being the best person I can be, and how my fears of failure are preventing me from even attempting to reach out to success.

And so…music.

It is my secret love. It is my secret hope. It brings joy to others when I share it with them, and a slew of questions about cd releases, upcoming shows, other songs I’ve written, and potential jam sessions. And I retort back with school troubles, lack of transportation, lack of inspiration, a need to actually phone people, and tiredness.

I want to be careful to not say too much, but I also want to say enough. I want to acknowledge where I am being a responsible adult and actually need to manage my time wisely, but I also want to acknowledge that there is more I can be doing and probably should be doing.

I don’t know if it’s even just with music. I’m sure I could be doing more with every aspect of my life. Basically, I need to put more faith in God and myself and actually try and seek out the things I want to do. Actually call venues and play more than two shows for the year. Actually finish recording my cd and sell it. Actually sing the songs that I write in my room for other people. Take a risk and actually do it.

Instead of remaining within the comfort of not failing by not trying for success.

I’ve been working on low level dream achievement. I put it on the side burners because I feel like I can’t handle it, like I need so much rest…but while I may have needed rest before, I think it’s finally time to step out and try. Try more.

Step one: Do everything I need to do today.

Step two: Do everything I want to do but put off.

Step three: Succeed.

So that was my post about how I plan to actually do something. It may not be my best post, and overtime I may realize that I’m already doing quite a lot, and maybe the something that I need to do is continue to be patient and work, but I’m letting my thoughts about future achievements exist here for a while. Here at least they’ll give me something to further think about, so that I can ponder whether I’ve become comfortable and frozen in a pattern that doesn’t actually help me grow, and think more on what I need to do to change it.

-cdukulele

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Posting for realzies!

I keep logging into my blog and start considering posting something, and I even get so far as clicking the little pencil and starting a draft, and then I get distracted and quit.

I still haven’t finished my post for when someone nominated me for some award…I think it was the Versatile Blogger or something. Anyway, I’m tired, and just finished chatting with some person via the computer, so now I’m gonna post, because tired posts written after midnight are always the best…

POSTING.

So…I have a month of grad school left, and then I’ve finished my second semester….I have to write a 15 page paper designing a course by Sunday….I’m getting a haircut tomorrow…and that is my life.

I’ve also been watching random t.v. shows on Netflix for like, multiple hours a night…a lot of Walking Dead.

Last night I dreamed I was pretty much in a floating house train, and their were zombies outside, and by the end of the dream I had killed one with a knife. I have violent dreams, and it’s mostly due to zombies, and I should probably stop watching old episodes of Walking Dead on Netflix, but oddly, it is how my mom and I bond. She makes comments about how stupid the characters are and how they shouldn’t go anywhere alone ever, and I agree with her and point out that no one dies for another episode at least. Yep.

That’s pretty much it. Sometimes on weekends I play a board games with my family, and sometimes I play ukulele. I haven’t written a new song that people have liked since October. You could say I shouldn’t care whether they like it, but 80% of the fun of playing ukulele and singing is performing for other people, and bringing them joy and happiness…So I like writing songs that other people appreciate and enjoy. Sure, I’ll play ukulele anyway, when I’m not in class or stressing about class, or mindlessly watching zombie shows to recover from the boring reality of my chosen future profession (or at least the horrible dullness of the classes for the profession), but being able to share my music with people is just an entirely different level from playing music by myself in my room. I enjoy it, it makes me happy, and when it seems to make other people happy it feels like I’m doing something worthwhile. Unlike watching Netflix, and sitting in my classes. But the classes are working towards a profession where I will help people learn English, and that is worthwhile, and the Netflix is merely fluffing between the work that gives me a chance to try to handle it all again….except for the sake of my sleep I should really switch to a show that is not horror themed.

Night.

– Catherine

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Family values

I want to get married and have babies and take care of them and love and protect them and raise them.

I totally will probably stop writing sappy love songs if I ever actually get into one of those relationships.

Something must be up with my hormones. They’re in the I want to be a mother mode.

It’s like when my sister turned twenty-something and started running around the house and updating facebook statuses with things like “I WANT BABIES”.

It’s crazy the things you’ll say. Except she was in that mode for a good three years, and I think she’s still in it, she’s just less vocal about it since she broke up with her fiancee…

Anyway, I’m also willing to adopt small humans or just volunteer to help them with homework. That works too.

I’m too poor and totally single to actually become a wife and mother right now.

It must have been that country singer at the concert last night. His little daughter came over to me before the show and started trying to strum my ukulele, and she was freakin’ adorable. Then he invited his wife to come up on stage and sing some songs with him, and it was beautiful.

I want that love, you know? I want that purpose and that commitment and responsibility to taking care of a life and sacrificing your own life for the good of others. Plus I’d get to hold precious children in my arms and love them.

I get to do that anyway, I mean, I always have the opportunity to love others and sacrifice for them, and with my number of nieces and nephews there are plenty of small children to love…But it’s different than actually having your own little family unit, and your own children, and your own house and people to take care of.

So yeah…I want my own family someday. Some little grouping of people who might think I’m crazy and whom I occasionally embarrass with my ukulele playing and stupid jokes, but who love me anyway, and who play ukulele too because I taught them when they were old enough to walk. …

Anyway, that was just my random want-to-be-a-mom rant. It might be a sign of my aging…I did just turn 24.

Happy Sunday.

-Cat

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Forty days!

Hello there, dear readers, I’m just here to post a quick little update, before I disappear into the beauty and comfort of the season of LENT! A word which means “Spring”, something that I didn’t ever actively recall before, and something that actually has nothing to do with comfort unless it’s comfort for my soul! WOOH!

If you read one of my last posts, you might have noticed that I’ve been struggling with being miserable and overwhelmed, and today I actually was pretty much in tears for a lot of the day, and so I have a plan to turn my life around, or at least help myself struggle through this time, and actually feel like and hopefully become a better person.

How do I plan to do this? Well, typically my plans for Lent result in hasty declarations in what I am going to give up, or small tasks I’m going to do, or general terms about how I’m going to try to “get holier”, this year, it’s different.

This year, I have specific goals.

This year, I have a plan. A clear plan.

Ready?

Goal One: STUDIES

The premise: I’m three weeks into my school semester and I don’t remember a single day where I haven’t had the thought, “I hate this” or “I don’t want to do this” or “homework is evil”. While these thoughts were probably well founded and overall true, I’m officially one week farther in the semester than I can be to do anything about it, and so, instead of letting this experience turn me into a crumpled and tortured shell of my former self, I’m going to use it like a refiner’s fire to make me stronger than I ever was before!

What does all this fancy vocabulary mean in reality? I AM GOING TO TRY!

HOW?

By:

Step 1. Not letting myself get overwhelmed by the amount of homework I have to do all the time, because right after class I will go home and put in at least 1 hour of effort into my assignments.

Step 2. In order to allow that first number to happen, that means that I will not log into social media sites and etc. that lead me to hours of pointless time wasting, while I continue to feel worse and worse about whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing (this also means that this blog is gonna be getting a lot fewer postings in the next month and ten days, but we’ll survive.)

Result: Hopefully actually working on my work, and dedicating time to it, and not getting distracted or allowing myself to wallow in my misery will mean that eventually there will be less stuff to be miserable about. Maybe I will actually be successful at school and gain a more positive outlook on it…

GOAL TWO: ACTUALLY TRY TO LOVE

The premise: Ever since…whatever that point was where my life started spiraling out of control, in a completely tiny spiral, but a spiral that I couldn’t control nonetheless, I have stopped actually trying to actively help other people. I mean, sure, I will comfort a friend in need, or passively do good, but I haven’t actively tried to do anything positive or Christian. I mean, it’s like, “I could do the dishes so that Mom doesn’t have to and our house is clean, especially since I am a poor moocher who leans on her greatly for emotional and financial support, but my body hurts and I can’t handle life, so I am going to go to sleep”. Now, while I totally understand my reasons for why I don’t do helpful little things, I feel guilty about it, and ultimately feel worthless, and actually this goal was originally going to be called “Actually liking the person I am” or something like that, but I changed it, and basically, I need to change this so, here’s what I’m gonna do:

Step 1: Do one selfless, anonymous, positive thing for another person every day.

…There is no step two right now, because I’m already rather overwhelmed at this point and if I add more stuff here, I probably won’t do it and then I will feel guilty and then I won’t like myself and then I won’t do anything to help others and the spiral will spiral again…I’m taking baby steps, okay, BABY STEPS.

GOAL THREE: Chill with Christ

So, I covered school, social, and now it’s time for the God aspect of my Lent, the “Spiritual Strengthening” that will be helped along by the other stuff. Basically….I’m gonna try to trust in God more. I’m in grad school and I don’t know what I’m doing and it’s gotten to the point where I cry over everything I can’t control, and I’m going to stop thinking that I can’t do this or that, and start thinking that I can, and that God will help me with it, I’m going to start to trust him. I’m going to put the time in to do my school work, and do good things to help my family and others, and actually try to balance my life more so that he is a greater part of it. I also might find that 24 hour adoration website and have it running on whatever computer I am doing my homework on while I’m working on it.

There aren’t really any steps to this one, just a decision to trust.

Well, there ya have it. My plans for Lent in a nutshell.

So, I’m posting because then my family and friends won’t know what I’m doing, but I will have verbalized it, and so then I might actually try. I mean, I will try, but possibly I’ll try a little harder if there is an imaginary force of accountability that is outside of me that isn’t God, because I know God loves me no matter what, and he’s not always like, “HEY CATHERINE, WHY DIDN’T YOU DO THAT, HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH?”, but my imaginary force of accountability can totally be like that (and then I can totally hit them with a stick and say, “WHATEVER IMAGINARY FORCE OF ACCOUNTABILITY, I’M TRYING!”, and because they are imaginary, it’s totally okay.)

Oh dude…I also forgot the whole plan to do my physical therapy every week.

Goal Four: PT

(And of course I started thinking of this because my wrist started hurting from typing…I should probably make sure that stops…) I need to do my physical therapy. I will wake up in time to do it every day. That is all.

Okay, wrist hurting and Lent is almost about to begin.

Time to get ready for tomorrow.

Hope you have a fulfilling, love filled, healing, strengthening, Christ-centered Lent.

AMEN!

– Catherine

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School’s started

Which means I’m back, for who knows how long…Probably all semester. Now that I’m back to being stressed out on a weekly basis, I’ll have plenty of stuff to write about and plenty of procrastination time in which to do it.

This is good. Maybe this creativity will encourage the song-writing creativity which I have been a little lax on since before Christmas.

Plus I’ll be interacting with people more again, so I’ll be able to talk about that too…

Yes, school is definitely a good thing. If only I weren’t so paranoid about spending so much money and time on something that I may not ever want to do.

Too late now…Actually, I think I have a couple weeks before it’s really “too late”, but I mean, I don’t really know what else to do with my life and so far I’m surviving with my whole, M.A. TESOL plan, so maybe this will work out. Maybe I won’t break down into tears again like I possibly did once or thrice last semester and may or may not have done the night before classes this week.

Besides, what do tears mean anyway!? They’re merely a sign that I was completely overwhelmed by something, probably lack of sleep…Did I mention that I’m in communication with the guy that I completely broke off communication with before Halloween because of the inappropriate joke he sent me and the fact that he doesn’t quite comprehend me?

I’m sure that confusion about my future and confusion about my non-existent, unhealthy, confusing, complicated friendships, and lack of sleep all didn’t combine to create the tears the night before my first day of classes.

…It’s like, when it rains it pours.

Three months with nothing interesting, and then he shows up right when I have to figure out my life again and make sure I’m doing what I want to be doing as far as my education and career go.

So, school has started and Cdukulele’s life has gotten interesting again.

Being interesting is exhausting, I got to go finish my homework and sleep.

Night, my imaginary best friends and readers, please feel free to pray for me: like you probably were at some point, I’m not sure what to do with my life, or what to do about the member of the opposite sex who is talking to me and who I don’t understand and who doesn’t quite understand me but who I keep talking to anyway because I talk to people. I probably make my life more complicated than it is. Anyway, thanks for prayers and reading, God bless ya.

– Cdukulele

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Good Morning Graduate School

I should be asleep. I will be asleep. Soon I shall sleep, but my first class is in 13 hours.

My first class in a year and a half.

Of course, as usual, I’m finding reasons to get nervous.

Like, what if all four of my classes are brain-numbingly awful?

What if I’m not meant to get a Masters in TESOL after all?

What if the English Language starts to bore me and I can’t handle all the rules because all I ever cared about were stories!???

WHAT IF I WASTE TWO YEARS OF MY LIFE!???

I also just want to play ukulele and make friends.

I don’t think I’m ready to be a grown up yet.

But I have to.

Because my older siblings seem to be very determined that I don’t spend my life as a traveling musician trying to pay my student loans by singing songs…

Hey, I wouldn’t choose to do it either, but I’m just so good at it! Not the making money part, but the writing songs part. I think. Kinda….Relatively….Possibly….

Okay, I’m going to graduate school.

But, if I fail this, like I failed to pass that lift test that would’ve gotten me a job as an instructional aide in an elementary school, then I’m going to go be a famous musician.

…Of course, I could always do both.

;D

 

-cdukulele

 

 

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