Tag Archives: patience

Perfect guy appear please.

The post under this title was a compilation of self-depreciating comments that did not befit the humor of the desperation of the title. It was composed on the first day of the month of St. Valentine, and basically fits the love-torn state of anyone completely alone romantically on that day.

Instead of sharing that original mixed up post with you all, I have begun composing one that is much better synthesized…if merely for the fact that it contains the word “synthesized”.

And to continue this post I will simply say that…I am tired of waiting, but I will keep waiting, because waiting is what I am best at, but I secretly fear that if “the right guy” came around I wouldn’t recognize him if I saw him, and maybe he is already here and I don’t know it. HOWEVER, that is just impatience taking hold of my ability to wait, which is still trying to tell me that everything happens in God’s time…But then I reflect upon how God works through people and maybe it’s my time to step up to the plate and TRY HARDER!

But I don’t know what to try harder at. Try harder at falling in love* with someone?

It’s so much work. It’s all: Hello, let’s be friends, let’s hang out, let’s interpret everything you say and do and figure out whether it indicates that you’re attracted to me, let’s not ask you whether you’re attracted to me, let’s give up on you because clearly I should know BY NOW whether you like me, let’s go back to you because maybe you’re just super shy and that’s not a bad thing, let’s keep evaluating all of our interactions like crazy, let’s continue to refer to my singular self as an “us” because you took no part in anything from hanging out onward that I know of.

…So then I go back to the whole – stop trying to fall in love and just be content with your life and try to be a good human being and simply love people, but then I don’t know how to simply love the people that I want to love me so much, so I end up ignoring them until I can’t anymore and then I send them messages asking them about their lives and then I wonder how on one hand I’m radio silence and on the other I’m desperate for communication and how it’s quite possible that I am the problem and I need to solve myself and not them.

So I’m waiting on the perfect version of me to appear, but that’s not happening in this lifetime, so I must simply strive towards perfection, and as anyone who has striven for that knows, IT IS TOUGH WORK!

It’s after midnight, my house is cold, I need to sleep and feel less lonely.

Sincerely,

Random person on the internet.

 

 

 

St. Jude, pray for us.

 

 

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Poem: Wading through thorns.

“I appreciate you” I say pointlessly, while my hormones are raging, and I allow them to force me to speak this momentarily overwhelming stupid thought, that is half honesty, out of an attempt to make you communicate something more toward me. Communicate. With me.

Heart pounding and I see you smile and just want to wrap my arms around you, wrap your arms around me, be warm and soft and held tight like you love me.

Cursing these hormones and these thoughts and hopes that are built on short bouts of laughter and glances from your dark, beautiful eyes.

You stare a lot, and I don’t know what you communicate, but you set my heart on fire and it won’t seem to go out.

Glances and smiles with those beautiful eyes and beautiful cheeks and beautiful teeth gleaming white, perfectly set in a smiling mouth.

You are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are attractive and every physical part of me wants to be closer to you, and I’m at war with myself, mind over matter, because the matter is trying to take over and I’m starting to lose my mind.

I don’t want to lose my mind.

Because mentally, oh beautifully attractive one, mentally I know it is not time. Mentally, oh captivating heartthrob, causer of my heartbeats and blackouts of mind, mentally, I know that this is more overwhelming infatuation than love. This is more biological than rational, this is more instinct than instance, this is more me wanting to be loved than me loving, and I can’t have that.

I can’t have this.

I repel that desire for objectification, no matter the momentary elation of that satiation of desire, I repel that instant gratification, that short term duration of feeling, built on matter fleeting, of feeding that burning fire
that burns without purpose except to excite, that burns with heat but gives no great light, that burns to consume and exhaust and deplete, I reject that sterile and empty feat.
I reject the unwholesome consumption of you, crumbling your beauty not loving you through, I reject that notion that hearts can’t be tamed, that we can go on and on and not be blamed, I reject this notion, this desire to obtain, I reject these thoughts that leave love lame, I reject the dampening of Purity’s gleam, ruining her waters, defiling a stream of love, of goodness, of truth and joy, of happiness and beauty and all we employ when deeply and truly loving each other, I reject the bad and will accept no other love – except a love that is true, a love that loves every aspect of you.

I will fight for the truth and a heart that embraces
you and every single one of your faces,
you when you’re broken and you when you’re down,
you when you’re silent and when you make no sound,
you when you’re shouting and singing for joy,
you when you’re manly, or when you feel like a boy,
you when you need me and you when you don’t,
you when you help me and you when you won’t,
to love you despite, in addition, and because,
to love you for reasons that were, are, and was,
I will fight for a love that embraces all things that make you more holy and through which God brings us closer to him and to each other, deeper in love with him and one another.

I will fight for the Love he provides with no mercy.
I will fight for the Love he provides til I’m worthy
to have you, to hold you, to love you, a man,
I will fight to love you and try til I can.

You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and once that beauty was all I could see, blinded by the gift of sight, couldn’t see the soul surrounded in light. You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and I will try to love that beauty, love and respect and pray for and wait, and melt the lust that’s hiding self-hate. You are beautiful, you reflect perfection, and I will wait until God points me in the right direction. You are beautiful and my heart reaches for you, but it will stay still until I ever say “I do”.

Thank you Lord, for the beauty in the world, and please protect the heart of this awestruck girl.

AMEN.

 

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Tea date.

“How’s life?”

I’m freaked out that I’m gonna suddenly become a blind mute because of my bone disease that is super rare and I didn’t tell you about, but I probably shouldn’t be freaking out about because I’ve done pretty well so far, and I can’t remember anyone ever saying that such horrible scenarios were likely, but I stayed up til 1am looking up potential effects of my disease, and then I joined an online support group to talk to the 1 other person on the internet that I found with my condition, and like, I’m super stressed about that. Not to mention the burden of grad school and my friend with cancer….

“Oh it’s fine. How’s your life?”

—————–

Surprisingly, things didn’t go super badly after this brief, half truth I gave him in response to his question. We’re both introverts and so my lack of detailed response could have been viewed as simply that awkwardness that you still have when getting to know someone.

We spent the rest of our date (??? He paid for my Chai tea …does that make it a date?) staring at empty cups, each other, and the walls, and then speaking when sitting in silence lost its glamour.

We have the introvert thing down: You think a million thoughts, and then you choose the best one to say out loud, then you spend a good ten seconds hoping the other person will say something first.

After an immense amount of time hanging out in the coffee shop and attempting to converse, he drove me home and gave me a hug goodbye.

It’s going rather slowly…our conversations, our text messages, the rate at which we drank our drinks in the coffee shop, because if you’re not drinking something you have to be talking and that is just, so hard….but, it’s good.

I usually fall for people really fast and he’s kinda forcing me to think before I write five page poems about how obsessed I am with him. Like, he’s cute, he’s nice, he likes me, and I’m not obsessed. Things are just patiently taking their time. We’re developing a friendship. It’s good. Friendships help you talk to people more openly and tell them about things like…bone diseases…and your deepest fears. But there’s no reason to just, relay that part of yourself to someone on a first date. Or all of it.

Slow and steady wins the race, right?

I mean:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

So, I’m just making sure we got the first part down…There’s always time for the rest.

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ODR: What my life looks like to God.

I came back from visiting my friend in August and I was suddenly very thoughtful. On September 12, 2014 I composed this post. I don’t think it went along with my general whining about gradschool, so I saved it until now…It starts in italics, so I’m adding little dash lines to make it clear where my commentary ends and the post begins. Here come the dashes… ALSO, apparently I published this once and then unpublished it. I don’t know the story behind that…

————————————————————————————–

I want that. Or I want that. That hurt, I want this instead. That will make me happy. Or maybe that will make me happy. I am so sad. This is all so sad, why are you letting me be so sad GOD! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO GOD!??? Oh look, a guy! He will make me happy. YAY, we are chilling like best friends and he is giving me so much attention and…Now he is gone. I am sad again. GOD….GOD, WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING PEOPLE AWAY FROM ME? WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING HAPPINESS AWAY!!!!!Oh look, another guy! He’ll make me happy! We can be best friends and maybe he’ll be the one that really understands me and makes me complete and—- GOD, HE LEFT ME AGAIN.

There are brief moments in my life where I realize something. They aren’t typically very profound somethings, and often I forget them upon learning them. So…here’s one:

I keep trying to find happiness in the world. In people. In things. And yes, people and things can be good and they can bring you joy, and you’re ultimately supposed to be happy, but they’re not going to make you happy all the time. They’re going to fail. You’re going to fail. I fail.

I’m not going to be perfectly happy. All the time. Currently. In this life. It’s not possible.

Something will go wrong.

And this sounds like a pessimist thing, and it kind of is.

But…It’s…It shouldn’t be.

Because the deal is, while this world is imperfect, perfection exists.

While there is suffering, joy exists.

While there is pain, there is someone who takes all that pain and turns it into something beautiful, who takes the suffering, and saves…and because he did it, because he was able to, we can try.

We can take the painful moments in our life, and turn them into joy.

We can get through it.

We can accept the suffering, and …move forward, and move with joy, because sure…it’s not perfect, but it’s life, and there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and that’s God…and life with him..

And I don’t…I don’t like to talk about….Suffering, or rather about just accepting suffering and being discontent…Because I don’t want to be…Because I want perfect happiness…and I want everything now…and I’m impatient…

But…I also know that it’s possible that I may  not get everything I want now, and maybe what I want isn’t always good…Because I keep noticing that what I want keeps leaving me….

And so…I guess I learned that…I have to keep being patient and keep doing my best.

And that every guy I ever liked not liking me back might not ultimately be a bad thing…Because maybe God has better plans. Like for someone who actually likes me to tell me that he does and for me to like him back…and for that to happen when I’m ready for it to happen, whenever that is.

Those were just some thoughts…After scanning my posts for the last couple months.

Well, goodnight, I hope you’re doing well, and that you’re persevering through whatever you need to persevere through, and that something wonderful happens tomorrow and you notice it.

– Catherine

 

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Take your time.

Aristotle.

I was just thinking about my friendships with various people, and how,  I tend to start to become romantically interested in males that I spend large quantities of time with.

This, I think, is a standard thing. People become attracted to people that they spend time with.

That they share life experiences with.

Anyway, thinking upon this made me consider my other acquaintances, and the males in my life that I spend time with, but don’t find myself writing poems about.

I’m trying to figure out what puts these males in a different category than the ones that I become attracted to, and I think it’s utility.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Aristotle.

We just happen to be at the same place in the same time, and if something were to change our friendships would dissolve too.

Hopefully not.

I’d like to think I’m always seeking friendships of virtue, but some people you just have to let drift out of your life.

Some people, you don’t need to be friends with. Some people are just people. You love them, you wish them the best, but they aren’t part of your life overall.

I want the guy who asked me to write a song about him to be part of my life overall…and it’s because he seems like the kind of guy who would care about someone for the rest of their life and always seek their good.

Plus he’s silly.

He’s not awkward.

He’s like, totally awkward, but in a purposeful way that really just makes everything less awkward because he knows exactly what he’s doing.

I started this post intent on talking about the guys I don’t write poems about, and now I’m back to the one I do write poems about.

I’m concerned because I seem to think so much of him, and I know why, but I’m afraid that those thoughts are just going to float away. Like the air they might be founded on.

I don’t like having feelings founded on air.

I don’t like liking someone based off of feelings.

I need my liking to be based off of more.

I need to love, and I want it to be rooted on something good.

He’s a nice guy. And that’s what it’s rooted on. And I want to be near the niceness.

Of course, all my other poems, where I felt so justified, were written on guys and friendships that were completely founded upon how a guy made me feel. This guy made me laugh. This guy needed me. This guy listened.

Any guy can make you laugh, need you, or listen…but can they love you? Can they seek your ultimate good?

Can they push you to do things outside of your comfort zone, for the good of yourself?

Get you to go to dinner with them and some friends.

Get you to leave the house and actually go pray.

Get you to do something instead of nothing.

Make you focus on others instead of just you?

I don’t even know if he does all that…He does much of that.

So I’d like to get to know him better.

I’m scared, I’m always scared of new things. I’m scared of my tendency to fall into romance with people who think little of me, and I’m scared of my tendency to focus so much on that that I’m blinded to all else.

I’m scared that I’ll take myself too seriously and not even see the treasure of the moment that’s right before me.

I’m scared of failure.

I’m scared of success.

But…right now, I don’t have to worry about any of those, because despite my whining and crying, God hasn’t given me anything I wasn’t ready for. God’s not making me deal with either success or failure. He’s not making me make any choices right now, except to wait. He’s giving me plenty of time.

And in that time, he’ll show me, he’ll guide me, he’s guiding me.
He’s helping me see what I need to see, and get where I need to go, to become the person I need to be, to become the best person I can be…and leading me towards whoever can help me do that.

While I was crying teardrops over my loneliness, and screaming out to him to give me exactly what I wanted in that moment, he was consoling me and gently saying, not yet, soon, but not yet, it’ll be perfect soon, you’ll be ready soon, but not yet. I’m getting everything ready, you’re becoming ready, everything is becoming more clear to you, but it takes time, you need time.  And he was easing me into the situation, and giving me what I needed, hugging me and holding me, giving me what I needed to get me to the point where I could choose and have everything I really wanted, ultimately wanted, not just temporarily fluff, but substantial contentment.

I just have to be content in the moment and God’s grace and love.
I just have to do all I can do to be the best part of me, and keep allowing myself to be in good situations, keep growing, until I’m ready.

It’s not easy. Being patient is hardly ever easy… But it will be worth it.

Because God doesn’t make you rush into things. He helps you and waits for you to be ready.

I’m shouting to God about why he doesn’t give me what I want, and he’s looking at me with love saying, you don’t really want it yet.

He’s so right.

He’s giving me plenty of time to learn and decide, and in the meantime he’ll show me everything I need to know to make my choices.

Cuz he’s God, and he’s Awesome.

-Cdukulele

P.S. Yes, I went from talking about friendships to my crush to God. That’s just the way my mind goes, apparently.

 

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NO MORE!

I deleted the other online dating account too! Right after I stalked the profile of someone who viewed my profile.

It’s all so creepy. I mean, maybe it’s not creepy for most people, but it just encourages my more stalkerish tendencies.

I mean, I already write love songs about guys, I don’t have to learn everything I know about them on the internet too…

Also, I think I have a tendency to over share with people when I write things.

When I speak I keep my words to a minimum. I don’t like talking. I sometimes trip over words. I talk really fast. I don’t say a lot. I think about what I say for long periods before I say it, and often I think about saying something for so long that sometimes I think I’ve said something aloud that I’ve only thought over in my mind again and again. I’m strange.

With writing, however, I say one thing, and then I figure I can say something else, and I kind of just…don’t stop.

But this is mostly just the case around new people and guys I have crushes on. I don’t talk to you in person, and then I chat up a storm on the internet.

I’m a nerd.

So, I deleted every online dating account. All two of them. Gone forever. Except I can reactivate them or create new ones with the click of a button and a cleverly worded introduction. But I’m not. NO. Totally not happening.

I will maintain control…and I will talk to people in person. Work on my people skills. Work on talking to the guys I like in person.

It will happen.

And someday…in the future…I will write a post, and it will contain something sane and happy about a relationship, and the relationship will consist of more than my hopes and dreams and will include a guy who I actually like who actually likes me, and some note about us spending quality time together and not solely communicating via technology…That may sound like a lot of qualifiers, but it WILL HAPPEN! Someday.

-cdukulele

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Staying up til CRAZY LATE

I have a dentist appointment in the morning, SO PAR-TAY!!!!
Just kidding.

I just wrote three letters though.

I sent an anonymous letter to my old apartment back at college.

I was all “HAPPY MONDAY!!!! Or whatever day it is.” Then I told them to pray for me, and I enclosed a dollar.

I was also trying to be sneaky and started writing something about finding the secret item I buried somewhere…But I just wound up being creepy. Yay.

Nay.

eh.

Then I colored it like the four year old artist I am. Scribbles of rainbows.

I really hope that someone still lives at that apartment.

Otherwise I lost a dollar for no reason.

No return address.

Hmmm..

WELL, Goodnight people.

Have pleasant dreams.

Say some prayers for me.

Be like, “HEY GOD! Catherine asked for some prayers, so help her out! Because….she said so…please? Thank you. Amen.”

An excellent prayer indeed.

And I will say a prayer for you:

Dear God, take care of whoever is currently reading this blog.
Please let them have a beautiful day, and help them to see your beauty and love in the world that surrounds them, because, you rock. Amen.

Goodnight

– Catherine

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