Tag Archives: moving on

I’m sorry

Dear Ex, I’m sorry.

I went to the last place we were together today, I had to for a school related thing, and I walked past the places that we walked past, and through the doors you walked through after you kissed me on the cheek for the last time. I missed you, and I’m sorry.

I wanted to be with you, I still want to be with you, and it is because you’re smart and you’re funny, and you tend to get my jokes. It’s because you’re sweet and you’re sensitive and you want to give the world to the people you love. It’s because you care, and you care deeply. It’s because you want to love.

I know that you are trying, or at least that you want to try, please know that I’m trying to…But at some point I realized that no matter how much we tried, you were still looking for someone to make you accept yourself, and I was accepting you beyond what was right, in order to not be alone.

It would have been more loving to tell you sooner that you needed to find yourself before trying to be with someone. It would have been more loving to let you have the personal space to realize your own worth, before becoming mixed up in your calculations of what it meant to be loveable. It would have been more loving to let you be my brother in Christ, rather than being the woman in your life…to let you know unconditional love, than to make you think that you were only loved on romantic conditions.

I’m sorry, because now the romance has crumbled and the friendship that could have been is shattered.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you love yourself…I’m sorry I couldn’t make you realize that you are enough just in who you are, that you don’t have to be enough for me, just for God…and I’m hoping, praying, that as you go on in life, you realize that you are loved, and loved more fully and better by someone who loves you more than I ever could or will.

I’m sorry, I love you, and I wish you the best.

I hope that I can grow too, that I can become stronger and heal from the pain, that I can build strong friendships and worry less about romance, that I will be able to look back on our memories and relationship and not dwell on the pain, and not dwell on my longing, but rather after some time to be able to look back and see how much we’ve grown…To see how much stronger, how much better, how much holier we are. To see how we’ve changed and grown closer to God, how we’ve used our gifts to build up and love the people around us. To see us happy and content even if completely apart. And to see you either become a priest or be happily married to a beautiful woman of God. Either one of those would be great.

Anyway, that’s what I’m hoping for, and in the meantime I love you and will love you from afar, as my brother in Christ, praying we both become closer to Christ, Amen.

P.s. I blocked you on facebook.

P.p.s. I have faith that God has better plans for us than each other. [Does that sound bad? If so then I’m kind of proving my point then, aren’t I? I mean, COME ON, how can I be the one for you (God is the only true ONE for all of us) if I’m offending you all the time. Case and point. LOVE YA AS A BRO, BRO!]

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing

When you’re up at 4am.

I stayed up til 4am last night.
Actually, I tried to go to sleep at 2:30am, and then after an hour I was still awake, and so I started drawing. My drawing skills are limited, but now I have half a sheet of stick figure representations of all the other times in my life I was up at 4am and why.
Like when I was recovering from surgery in the hospital and it was like, the seventh night in and I just sat in my bed and stared at the clock and wondered if this was what purgatory was like. Because time didn’t really exist, but the pain and waiting and wishing something new would happen did. I stared at the wall and tried to make out the clock that was half hidden in shadows, and at one point I thought it said four, and two hours later I thought it said two, and then at some point it was five and the sun might have been going up, and it was basically one of the longest nights I can remember. My drawing for it is a crude sketch of a wall with a clock and my circle face on a box bed staring at it. I can sketch a lifelike shoe, but a person, forget that.
Then I sketched when I stayed up til past four before my surgery, watching Netflix in an attempt to numb the fear about it all. Sketch of me reading till the sun went up for similar reasons. Sketch of post-surgery 4am medications. Sketch of post-surgery recovery gone bad and myself in a neckbrace. Sketch sketch sketch. The sketches were pretty much just all reflections of that surgery time because sometimes I let my life revolve around it and I’m thinking that I’m maybe not over it entirely yet.
I figured getting all the sketches out would make me feel better.
Help me recognize that it’s okay to be hurt sometimes and weak and that you’re not perfect all the time and you’ve overcome a lot.
Is it a pity party?
Am I throwing myself so-called pity parties?
Because I kinda think what it is is, I’m struggling with something in my life, so I’m going to reflect on all the other troubles I’ve faced, and recognize that this new struggle hurts too, just like those did. Ultimately though, I made it through those struggles, which means ultimately, I’ll make it through this one.
Last night I think I was more focused on the first half of that thought though. Now that it’s daytime I can think of the positive implications of staying up til 4am illustrating the tragedies of my life. Which of course include that I survived them.
Boo-yah.

-Me

Leave a comment

Filed under Cdukulele's life.

A quick complaint and an analysis of my romantic life…

That sounds so serious…ANYWAY.

Work called me and asked if I could come in two hours early tomorrow, and I fully intended to decline, but when I called them back to tell them that, I somehow wound up saying I’d be there at two…instead of four… because Bosses can be strangely convincing.

Then, I was on the computer, about to research stuff for work tomorrow, to print out lesson plans and work for my various students to study and learn and increase their wisdom and vocab skills, and I suddenly realized that I’d rather be composing a blog post!

And so, here I am…writing, complaining, procrastinating, and itching because the front door is open to cool the house off, and I think bugs are biting me.

Also, I’m getting over John, which is good. Except I’m noticing something about myself that I don’t really like. I think it’s called “I-keep-replacing-one-crush-with-another” syndrome.

On that note, in case you picked up on the connection between me not liking John as much and my mentioning of the “replacement” syndrome, I have a new friend! His name is Mark! Well, it’s not really Mark, but I already used Luke and John, so this name is next. (…I might have a problem)

Anyway, Um…so yeah. I’m getting over John and I have a new guy friend named Mark, and those two things are totally not connected except that Mark is also a musician and
…he is nice. And I have nothing disparaging to say about any other guy I have ever had a crush on. Because they are all very nice people and dear friends, I just tend to get a tad “exaggeratey” when it comes to my emotions, and really no guy has ever done anything to purposely hurt me. Accidentally, incidentally, or as a result of mere thoughtlessness or carelessness, yes, but on purpose, no.

But I suppose you could say that about most people, or I would at least, because like Anne Frank, I believe that people are really good at heart. Or they were good at some point and simply need some help to get back to goodness and avoid messing up.

Well, that’s what’s up with me. Maybe I’ll go to sleep now and plan for work more when I wake up. Or sleep now and merely check to see if anyone read this and commented, when I wake up. I could even do both. The possibilities are endless.

I should sleep.
Goodnight.
Sleep well.
Good luck with your lives.
Avoid intentionally hurting people.
Also, avoid unintentionally hurting people.
Aim for improving lives.
That’s my advice.
You can trust it.
Because I play ukulele.

-Cdukulele

Leave a comment

Filed under Cdukulele's life., Cdukulele's love life.

I forgot the title.

Hey WordPress.

How’s it going?

I’m good.

A little tired.

A little bored.

A little sad.

My sister broke of her engagement with her fiancee, and now she’s back in town.

No more wedding in the summer.

No more maid of honor speech.

No more of my mother driving me crazy with wedding plans.

It’s sad though, because it’s almost like things were working out. She certainly acted like things were working out. Like the man of her dreams had dropped in and solved all of her problems. She joked about it, I’d be milling about, complaining about my life and lack of plans or something, and she’d say “You should get one of these!” And laughingly indicate toward her significant other. He seemed to solve all problems, he made her happy.

True, half the time I was around them, their loving air sickened me, and all they ever seemed to do was sit on the couch together and cuddle, but they looked content.
I mean, yes, I would get incredibly bored in a relationship that solely consisted of hugging my significant other on the couch, and never doing anything else ever, like going out, or interacting with other couples or people, but they seemed okay with it. And of course they were the inspiration and really the driving force that compelled me to write a song about how obnoxious couples were, and how their happiness made me angry and I was seeing lovebirds everywhere, and I was sick of it, but…They laughed at that song and enjoyed it with the rest of my open mic night audiences.

So…I don’t know. I guess the lesson we’ve learned here is, don’t base a relationship solely on the fact that you two feel incredibly in love and want to spend every waking moment sitting together on a couch. Also, if everybody else thinks you’re being annoying in your romance, you probably are, and perhaps you enjoy the idea of your relationship more than the person you’re in a relationship with. Of course, there may be no lesson…but I like to draw wisdom from life’s tragedies.

I don’t know.

I’ll just hope that happy things happen soon. For her. For everyone.

Nice chatting with you WordPress, I’ll see you around.

– Catherine

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Various writing

Maybe I shouldn’t have done that…

I stayed up until 5am reading the old messages between me and that guy I really really had a huge crush on, who I named John (for anonymity).

I mean, I really wouldn’t have done that, except I couldn’t sleep…and my leg started cramping, and I just kept rolling around in my bed and thinking.

So then I went on my phone and just read stuff.

Checked my religious based dating account.

Saw that I had a new message.

Took an interview.

Began to miss John because I feel like I’m not worthy of the guys who like me on that site.

Then I went to the messages…and I read them…for two hours.

It took two hours to read through our entire friendship from the last month and a half.

It made me laugh, and at the end, it made me think that maybe things were okay.

I sounded like half a normal person through our entire communication, even after I told him I liked him, and we seemed like friends.

It was friendly conversation.

Perhaps I stepped over the line by reading the entire history of our conversations together on my phone in one night…But the only ones who know I did that are You and me. …And I won’t do it again….

EVIL CAT OF DEATH IS OUTSIDE MY HOUSE! HISSING AT MY CAT THROUGH THE GLASS DOOR! NOOOOOOO!!!!

Bully cat. Sorry, had to go take care of that.

But I guess I should probably go now. Now that I’ve admitted to you all what a creeper I am.

I also totally just sent him a message.

Gah.

Goodbye my readers. I’ll speak to you again soon. Maybe we can discuss how I don’t think I’m worthy of all the guys on the dating site I’m on because they want to get married and have bundles of children and I don’t know if I can have kids.

At least with John…with “secular” (please don’t be offended by the term, I literally mean people who aren’t religious, is that even an offensive term?) people, with guys…I don’t feel like I’ve failed them automatically by being a girl with a rare disease and crazy bones who is afraid of having kids and doesn’t know whether she can have them. Which is kind of ridiculous. Why would it be better for me to date a guy who’s just after my body than a guy who wants to start a family?

…I don’t even know.

Some people tell me I think too much.

But some things you can’t help but think about.

I don’t like this continuous feeling of failure in respects to all things romance related. Even just friendship related.

I should go onĀ  a retreat.

Something.

Something.

Okay, bye.

– cdukulele

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Cdukulele's life., Cdukulele's love life.

Drama

You are drama and I need to decide I’m better off without you. Which is tough, because you seem to think that you’re better off with me. An outlet for your drama.

So I say to you, thanks, but no thanks. Please take your “love songs”, your protestations that we’re just friends, your compliments on my existence, and your obscure texts apologizing for things that you never mentioned in the first place, with you, as you embark on a journey in life I’d like to call “growing up”. As much as I’d like to remain your “friend”, and sit in this awkward little corner between reality and fantasy, in which I don’t understand how you keep saying you love everything about me, and then keep insisting that you’re acting as no more than a friend and tell me I’m over reacting, I cannot. I will not.

Goodbye, and thanks for confusing me.

I have finally figured it out.

-cdukulele

Leave a comment

Filed under Various writing