Tag Archives: missing

Fighting colds and exes.

My life feels like it’s in shambles…but that’s probably because I’m fighting a cold, and not because it’s reality.

My ex is trying to get back into my life and he’s made some fairly convincing arguments. Arguments that I’ve batted away with reminders of all the ways he failed me when we were together.

I’m like venom and he doesn’t care.

He just keeps taking the bites.

I’m rather miserable over it all. I’ve had a cold for just about the same amount of time I’ve had him back in my life.

 

And I’m afraid of being alone, and he makes me laugh, and I can be a horrible person to him and he still wants me in his life.

It’s not healthy.

I’m not healthy.

I’m sick in the short term and the long term.

A bundle of bones that I’ve been trying to protect by ordering copious amounts of supportive dress shoes online for.

I try them on, realize they don’t fit/don’t fit and aren’t something I could ever conceivably wear to a work or dress function anyway, and return them.

Then I pity myself.

 

Things are a million times better than when I spent Christmas in a neckbrace, but why do I feel so much worse?

How does my ex-love keep hurting me.

Why do I want him back in my life?

I need a cup of tea and to have my Christmas shopping finished.

I need Christ in my heart pulverizing my loneliness and empty desires for the people who crush my soul.

I want good people in my life who support me and love me and help me continue on a path to righteousness…and I don’t know what my ex is.

It hurts. I know it hurts.

It hurts so much that somehow I’m left questioning all that I am, a woman, a college student, a daughter – an unemployed bunch of failings.

I’ve rejected concert offers, because I haven’t written anything new in months and because I don’t want to handle the stress anymore.

I’m cutting out music to focus on…drawing it into my life as a future teacher.

Because I’m tired.

I’m tired.

I need sleep. I need some preparation for Christmas. Christ’s coming to my heart.

 

Aye.

 

God bless you all, fight on!

-I got a cold.

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing

Coaxing my friend through Cancer

Our code word is hippopotamus.

That’s what she’s supposed to say when I’ve made one too many jokes about a rocky relationship or generally used my sense of humor to get over something serious in a non-serious way and accidentally erred on the side of injury.

She laughed out loud and asked if we could change it to platypus, because hippopotamus was much too difficult to say without laughing.

I told her that was half the point, and refused her request, then I added a note saying “code word: hippopotamus” to the word document I was keeping notes about our conversation in.

I didn’t realize how much I missed her until I saw her on the skype window, chatting away, laughing at my jokes, making the same familiar facial expressions, staring at me blankly when I said something stupid or made another joke that she didn’t think merited a laugh.

I miss her.

I miss her and I don’t want to let her go.

It’s selfish really, but I let her know that, the first half only, the missing. That part works out well for me though, because I’m going to go visit her in a week, so…pretty soon I’ll get to see her again…but then.

She doesn’t seem to concerned with it. We talked about the five stages of grief, and she’s floating somewhere between denial and all the other stages. We got to stage three, anger, and it talked about how the stages don’t really occupy a certain time, and you can just go from the last to the first and second and whatnot without any explanation, from one second to the next. Then we read stage four with depression, and it acted like this step was incredibly necessary, and it totally cancelled out the final comments for stage three that acted like you could bounce between the stages.

But, aside from the stages of grief discussion, most of our talk was about her boyfriend, and whether or not he was going through these stages, and how to fix their relationship.

I don’t know how to fix the relationship, and I don’t know how to fix the cancer. Neither of those are things anybody can fix really, they are both outside of my control, and outside of her control, as far as I can tell.

And so…all we really did was talk for two hours and it reminded me that my friend is dying and she is good and I love her and I miss her and I don’t want to lose someone close to me. But that’s selfish. But I let her know I loved her, because telling someone that is not selfish – not in this case. But not wanting to lose someone, is selfish, compared to not wanting to be lost.

And all she seems to care about is not losing somebody else.

So I’m praying for her healing and for her relationship, which to me is hardly as important as her simply staying alive, but still…I’m praying for both, and I’m trying to be there for my friend who is so many miles away.

And now I’m sharing this here for the other people who know people suffering from, fighting, living with cancer, and because…writing is what I do.

Thanks for your prayers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Various writing

Beautifully Rejected.

The most beautiful thing

I saw today

was a baby’s laugh,

God in my presence,

and your eyes, ever smiling, staring at me with a look that brought back images of that child and God’s glory all in one.

The beauty of my heart is that it is so easily touched by love.

The tragedy of my heart is that it is so easily touched by love.

Three months ago I wouldn’t have cared. Three months ago, I lie. When did you see me and ask me how I was, look into my eyes and notice the pain I wouldn’t share, and try to soothe my soul?

Why didn’t I let you?

Because I can’t let people in.

I can’t share the pain and the heart, because then I want you to be a greater part of this life, and you don’t want to be.

I could have done it, could have let whatever was broken be shared, and potentially repaired by your craftsman hands, and slowly fallen deeper into admiration of you, but I would have gotten stuck.

Stuck in the love and wanting to be love and be a part of something, while you were just being kind.

So I share too much with strangers, but not enough, and then when friends come by I let the heart remain untouched.

True, is this true? How much is true…

I attempt to guard my heart from the inevitable fall, and I lose myself in the process.

Shutting myself off to the love, I curl up and cry.

Giving too much of myself and being rejected, I feel like I want the feeling heart to die.

So I lose and I lose, and I don’t know if I’ll win,

or if I’ll just fall and break my own heart again.

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Should have seen this coming.

I want to be a better person.

I need to be a better person.

Seeing happy couples makes my heart choke a little sometimes.

Seeing him makes me choke a little.

It shouldn’t.

There’s no fathomable reason why it should.

There’s no reason why I should like him.

Why do friendships bring me so much pain? Why does it take me so long to get past jealousy to happy for them level?

To get past crushing to friendship?

Crushing hurts so much.

It didn’t even, this option was not even foreseeable three months ago.

These are the hearts that I never cared about, and somehow, with time and music, my heart’s become wrapped around them.

This is why I fear friendships.

Because, ultimately, I fall.

Ultimately, I trip.

Ultimately, I get so absorbed in the attention, that I forget it’s not for me, it is simply them. The way they are.

The way they are that pulls at my heart and makes it wish I could be with him.

Life was going so well before I wanted what I couldn’t have.

Life was going so well before this heart wanted him.

For that brief moment between crushes, it was going so well.

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

His Concert

It’s been a good night.

Went to John’s concert.

Slowly became even more infatuated, and felt my cheeks burning and my heart just kept crumbling more with every song.

Not good.

Not good at all really.

It’s hard to focus on being someone’s friend when they’re up on stage in front of you, five feet away, singing sweet, sweet, love songs.

Then you can only think about whether they could at all be thinking about you when they’re singing, and how they were staring at you for that half a second and they looked away as soon as you looked at them. Were they looking at you?

You wish they were looking at you. You’re pretty sure they were.
And you treasure that half a second of a stare, because for half a second he was focused on you. He cared about you. For half a second. Even if it was just half a second.

The rest of the night…Well…it was good.

I think he can’t decide what we are.

That makes me feel better…

Like, we sat on a couch together chatting, and, I mean, we were pretty close. Leaning on the same pillow so that we’d pretty much be sitting on each other’s elbows without it, close.

Friends can be close too, but not…that close.

Maybe…but he showed me his finger callouses from playing guitar. I mean, come on, excuse for a girl to touch your hands much? …No? Just weird?

Anyway, I like him, and I’m trying to be more normal about it, but he makes me want to scream it from a mountain top when he’s playing love songs and singing and being freakin’ attractive. Gosh.

He drove me home too. My parents were going to pick me up, but he offered…So yeah.

 

Halfway through his concert, the second after wanting to scream I loved him from a mountain top, I went back to realizing it was just friendship, at this point. And it hurt. And I got kind of mad. Because what kind of guy hangs out with you so much and talks to you so much and invites you to concerts, and then just wants to be your friend? How does he dare be so beautiful, talented, wonderful, and nice, and then just not be…not be yours?

I tried to think of scenarios wherein I was okay with this continued friendship. This continued, “I like him, and he hangs out with me, but I can’t hug him…or kiss him on the cheek,” friendship thing. All I could think of was just…being with him, a lot, and being able to talk to him more and see him more, and then maybe I could resist the urge to want to date him. To want him to just be with me; because I wouldn’t have to date him to just spend time with him, if he just spent time with me.

The spending time together thing is looking better though…I think. I mean… after tonight. He’ll probably still want to hang out with me. I think we bring each other mutual happiness.

So yeah.

That’s what happened tonight.

Plus meeting other musicians and people, and someone bringing up me actually playing music someplace myself.

It was a good night. Overall.

Goodnight. Thanks for reading.

🙂

 

-Cdukulele

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's life., Cdukulele's love life., Various writing

MISS

I miss you I miss you I miss you.

You’re right there, and I miss you.

You’re so close that I could almost touch you

and I miss you

because you’re not there.

Not here.

Somewhere.

Be closer.

I just wish you were closer.

To me.

So that we’d be a we.

I miss you.

And I almost can’t stand you because I miss you so much.

 

Miss me.

 

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Filed under Love Poems

Crazy over you.

I can’t tell if I’m crazy, or if I just need you.

I think I’m crazy, because I can’t possibly need you.

I have to be self-sufficient.

I can’t depend on another person for my happiness.

People are fickle.

The only one you have control over is yourself.

(Some form of control that is, my mind never listens when I tell it to stop thinking about you.)

I must be crazy,

because if I need you, I still can’t have you,

and I’ll just go crazy anyway.

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Filed under All Poetry, Cdukulele's love life.