Tag Archives: lyrics

Poem: Wading through thorns.

“I appreciate you” I say pointlessly, while my hormones are raging, and I allow them to force me to speak this momentarily overwhelming stupid thought, that is half honesty, out of an attempt to make you communicate something more toward me. Communicate. With me.

Heart pounding and I see you smile and just want to wrap my arms around you, wrap your arms around me, be warm and soft and held tight like you love me.

Cursing these hormones and these thoughts and hopes that are built on short bouts of laughter and glances from your dark, beautiful eyes.

You stare a lot, and I don’t know what you communicate, but you set my heart on fire and it won’t seem to go out.

Glances and smiles with those beautiful eyes and beautiful cheeks and beautiful teeth gleaming white, perfectly set in a smiling mouth.

You are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are attractive and every physical part of me wants to be closer to you, and I’m at war with myself, mind over matter, because the matter is trying to take over and I’m starting to lose my mind.

I don’t want to lose my mind.

Because mentally, oh beautifully attractive one, mentally I know it is not time. Mentally, oh captivating heartthrob, causer of my heartbeats and blackouts of mind, mentally, I know that this is more overwhelming infatuation than love. This is more biological than rational, this is more instinct than instance, this is more me wanting to be loved than me loving, and I can’t have that.

I can’t have this.

I repel that desire for objectification, no matter the momentary elation of that satiation of desire, I repel that instant gratification, that short term duration of feeling, built on matter fleeting, of feeding that burning fire
that burns without purpose except to excite, that burns with heat but gives no great light, that burns to consume and exhaust and deplete, I reject that sterile and empty feat.
I reject the unwholesome consumption of you, crumbling your beauty not loving you through, I reject that notion that hearts can’t be tamed, that we can go on and on and not be blamed, I reject this notion, this desire to obtain, I reject these thoughts that leave love lame, I reject the dampening of Purity’s gleam, ruining her waters, defiling a stream of love, of goodness, of truth and joy, of happiness and beauty and all we employ when deeply and truly loving each other, I reject the bad and will accept no other love – except a love that is true, a love that loves every aspect of you.

I will fight for the truth and a heart that embraces
you and every single one of your faces,
you when you’re broken and you when you’re down,
you when you’re silent and when you make no sound,
you when you’re shouting and singing for joy,
you when you’re manly, or when you feel like a boy,
you when you need me and you when you don’t,
you when you help me and you when you won’t,
to love you despite, in addition, and because,
to love you for reasons that were, are, and was,
I will fight for a love that embraces all things that make you more holy and through which God brings us closer to him and to each other, deeper in love with him and one another.

I will fight for the Love he provides with no mercy.
I will fight for the Love he provides til I’m worthy
to have you, to hold you, to love you, a man,
I will fight to love you and try til I can.

You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and once that beauty was all I could see, blinded by the gift of sight, couldn’t see the soul surrounded in light. You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and I will try to love that beauty, love and respect and pray for and wait, and melt the lust that’s hiding self-hate. You are beautiful, you reflect perfection, and I will wait until God points me in the right direction. You are beautiful and my heart reaches for you, but it will stay still until I ever say “I do”.

Thank you Lord, for the beauty in the world, and please protect the heart of this awestruck girl.

AMEN.

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems

1. Secret Blog, 2. Guys, 3. Storytime, 4. Oddness

1. I showed my cousin this “secret blog”, and now I’m not allowed to like John anymore. I was angry about that yesterday, but it’s been two days since I last spoke to John, and my cousin’s verdict that “He doesn’t seem to like you as anything more than a friend” is sounding less painful and more reasonable. I do not regret my countless love poems, songs, and journal entries, because I had to write them to get the feelings out somewhere. Unfortunately, I still like John, despite my cousin’s wise declaration….and I’m still playing the song I wrote in response to my cousin’s question of “Why do you even like John?” this Thursday.

2. The people I spend the most time with, outside of my family, are all males. I don’t know what this means, but I’m wondering if I should maybe work on maintaining some of my old friendships with females. Maybe not, because I have five older sisters, I went to an all girl high school, and my college was 70% women, and their efforts to maintain our friendships don’t seem as strong as any of the guys I’ve met in the last year. In fact, a guy that I broke up with two months ago and told I could never talk to again just sent me a message today saying “Hey”. I had to delete it, of course, but he was the first person to send me a message in several days…and he probably would have responded to anything I sent him instantly.

3. At my tutoring job on Monday, I made a second grader go from grumpily slouching in her chair and refusing to do any work, to actively reading and writing, by writing a story, sentence by sentence, on a piece of paper, and having her help me figure out what would happen next, and write the next sentences herself.

4. Later, I had to explain to this same little girl that you do not just go around telling people “You have a big chest”, and found out, after many of her repetitions of this phrase and awkward comparisons of me to Wonderwoman and Superman, that she was referring to where my clavicle bones meet at the sternum, and how, apparently, my necklace fits there, at the base of my neck, perfectly. My Mom responded to this story by laughing and saying it was funny because my chest was hardly as large as my sister’s…

 

Also, today I had driving practice for two hours. It was terrifying. My instructor seemed to be under the impression that we would not crash and die at any moment. Sometimes I don’t understand people.

– cdukulele

 

 

 

 

P.S. We didn’t crash and die. This post was not written by my ghost. I am very much alive…and in pain. Gah, I got to do my physical therapy.

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