Tag Archives: loving

I’m sorry

Dear Ex, I’m sorry.

I went to the last place we were together today, I had to for a school related thing, and I walked past the places that we walked past, and through the doors you walked through after you kissed me on the cheek for the last time. I missed you, and I’m sorry.

I wanted to be with you, I still want to be with you, and it is because you’re smart and you’re funny, and you tend to get my jokes. It’s because you’re sweet and you’re sensitive and you want to give the world to the people you love. It’s because you care, and you care deeply. It’s because you want to love.

I know that you are trying, or at least that you want to try, please know that I’m trying to…But at some point I realized that no matter how much we tried, you were still looking for someone to make you accept yourself, and I was accepting you beyond what was right, in order to not be alone.

It would have been more loving to tell you sooner that you needed to find yourself before trying to be with someone. It would have been more loving to let you have the personal space to realize your own worth, before becoming mixed up in your calculations of what it meant to be loveable. It would have been more loving to let you be my brother in Christ, rather than being the woman in your life…to let you know unconditional love, than to make you think that you were only loved on romantic conditions.

I’m sorry, because now the romance has crumbled and the friendship that could have been is shattered.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you love yourself…I’m sorry I couldn’t make you realize that you are enough just in who you are, that you don’t have to be enough for me, just for God…and I’m hoping, praying, that as you go on in life, you realize that you are loved, and loved more fully and better by someone who loves you more than I ever could or will.

I’m sorry, I love you, and I wish you the best.

I hope that I can grow too, that I can become stronger and heal from the pain, that I can build strong friendships and worry less about romance, that I will be able to look back on our memories and relationship and not dwell on the pain, and not dwell on my longing, but rather after some time to be able to look back and see how much we’ve grown…To see how much stronger, how much better, how much holier we are. To see how we’ve changed and grown closer to God, how we’ve used our gifts to build up and love the people around us. To see us happy and content even if completely apart. And to see you either become a priest or be happily married to a beautiful woman of God. Either one of those would be great.

Anyway, that’s what I’m hoping for, and in the meantime I love you and will love you from afar, as my brother in Christ, praying we both become closer to Christ, Amen.

P.s. I blocked you on facebook.

P.p.s. I have faith that God has better plans for us than each other. [Does that sound bad? If so then I’m kind of proving my point then, aren’t I? I mean, COME ON, how can I be the one for you (God is the only true ONE for all of us) if I’m offending you all the time. Case and point. LOVE YA AS A BRO, BRO!]

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing

She’s not alone.

I am so tired

and

everything in life

is going

very amazingly.

I wrote him a poem.

He admires me.

I’m afraid to speak the words back

because I have so little trust in words,

so little trust in feelings,

because they are fickle and fail me all the time.

I choose just to try.

I choose to try to love.

I choose to show, not with words to express feelings,

but with actions and consistency.

Because I use my words to cycle through the thoughts and feelings and loneliness and desire

but now is the time for action.

So I make every act an act of love.

And I try to act as frequently as possible.

As frequently as necessary.

Sometimes it is necessary not to act.

Sometimes love is in the patience.

And other times words and feelings betray me.

Because I know they are based on fickle things, I know they will not last, and I know that they will melt away into the air like the thoughts they’re founded on.

Love is a continuous and conscious effort to do the right thing.

I am loving him.

I will love him.

It doesn’t mean that I won’t hurt him.

But I am open to doing the most, doing my best, to love him without causing unnecessary pain…To recognize when I am in the way of his love, when I am not loving at all.

Love is an action.

And I’m about to fall asleep.

So I’ll love him when I wake up, or in my dreams.

Whichever comes first.

Leave a comment

Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

Poem: Text me.

Text me and say you love me.

Text me and say you care.

Text me and say you know that I have my imperfections and flaws, but you love my imperfections and flaws, and you just want me to be near.

Text me and say I’m funny.

Say I’m smart and kind and wise.

Tell me I’m pretty and gorgeous and beautiful, and you want to behold me with your eyes.

Text me and say that I’m perfect, not really, but perfect for you.

That with all my broken and sickness, you still want to be me and you.

Text me and write words of affection, of kindness and sweetness and love,

text me and tell me something,

because this nothing is not enough.

Leave a comment

Filed under Love Poems

My night

Went to Open Mic.

Saw my crush with another girl.

Failed halfway through a new song.

Could barely hear myself over the alcohol-consuming-people while I was on stage.

Got home.

Ate fast food.

Watched youtube videos for an hour and a half.

My life…

Now I need to do my stretches and shower and go to sleep before anyone notices I’m staying up really late wasting time.

On the plus side, I made cookies earlier today and I have crushes on so many people that I’m sure this latest heartache will be gone soon….just in time for someone else to start torturing me with their unattainable beauty and charm.

9 Comments

Filed under Cdukulele's life., Cdukulele's love life.

A prayer.

I’ve got to try. Be strong and pray. I want to trust. It’s hard though, no matter how much they say

it’ll be generally better

it will be alright

you will get through this.

Lord, Lord. If this is how you treat your friends, no wonder you have so many enemies.

Lord, Lord. I love you.

Why are you so silly? Why does everything you do seem to confuse me?

Why am I so confused?

Dear sweet Lord, I am confused.

Help me.

Forgive away, be kind, succeed. Do not lie, do be honest, create, be happy, and do good without greed. Give your best, for it all comes down, to you and the Lord. 

Lord, I love you,

how do I know when I’m heard?

Lord, I need you,

oh help me trust in your Word.

Melt this heart that’s cold with sin,

Heal the heart that’s crumbling from within,

Save this heart that’s wearing thin.

Lord, I need you, I love you, I cannot handle it anymore.

Not alone.

Not being alone.

Not each poem.

Ripping every shred of heart, pieces gone and dead of art.

Lord. You’re there. You’re always there. You’ve been there. There. The

I AM

who is

always

here.

Lord, help me, and hear my prayer.

Amen.

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under All Poetry, Cdukulele's life., Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems