Tag Archives: love me

Poem: Wading through thorns.

“I appreciate you” I say pointlessly, while my hormones are raging, and I allow them to force me to speak this momentarily overwhelming stupid thought, that is half honesty, out of an attempt to make you communicate something more toward me. Communicate. With me.

Heart pounding and I see you smile and just want to wrap my arms around you, wrap your arms around me, be warm and soft and held tight like you love me.

Cursing these hormones and these thoughts and hopes that are built on short bouts of laughter and glances from your dark, beautiful eyes.

You stare a lot, and I don’t know what you communicate, but you set my heart on fire and it won’t seem to go out.

Glances and smiles with those beautiful eyes and beautiful cheeks and beautiful teeth gleaming white, perfectly set in a smiling mouth.

You are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are attractive and every physical part of me wants to be closer to you, and I’m at war with myself, mind over matter, because the matter is trying to take over and I’m starting to lose my mind.

I don’t want to lose my mind.

Because mentally, oh beautifully attractive one, mentally I know it is not time. Mentally, oh captivating heartthrob, causer of my heartbeats and blackouts of mind, mentally, I know that this is more overwhelming infatuation than love. This is more biological than rational, this is more instinct than instance, this is more me wanting to be loved than me loving, and I can’t have that.

I can’t have this.

I repel that desire for objectification, no matter the momentary elation of that satiation of desire, I repel that instant gratification, that short term duration of feeling, built on matter fleeting, of feeding that burning fire
that burns without purpose except to excite, that burns with heat but gives no great light, that burns to consume and exhaust and deplete, I reject that sterile and empty feat.
I reject the unwholesome consumption of you, crumbling your beauty not loving you through, I reject that notion that hearts can’t be tamed, that we can go on and on and not be blamed, I reject this notion, this desire to obtain, I reject these thoughts that leave love lame, I reject the dampening of Purity’s gleam, ruining her waters, defiling a stream of love, of goodness, of truth and joy, of happiness and beauty and all we employ when deeply and truly loving each other, I reject the bad and will accept no other love – except a love that is true, a love that loves every aspect of you.

I will fight for the truth and a heart that embraces
you and every single one of your faces,
you when you’re broken and you when you’re down,
you when you’re silent and when you make no sound,
you when you’re shouting and singing for joy,
you when you’re manly, or when you feel like a boy,
you when you need me and you when you don’t,
you when you help me and you when you won’t,
to love you despite, in addition, and because,
to love you for reasons that were, are, and was,
I will fight for a love that embraces all things that make you more holy and through which God brings us closer to him and to each other, deeper in love with him and one another.

I will fight for the Love he provides with no mercy.
I will fight for the Love he provides til I’m worthy
to have you, to hold you, to love you, a man,
I will fight to love you and try til I can.

You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and once that beauty was all I could see, blinded by the gift of sight, couldn’t see the soul surrounded in light. You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and I will try to love that beauty, love and respect and pray for and wait, and melt the lust that’s hiding self-hate. You are beautiful, you reflect perfection, and I will wait until God points me in the right direction. You are beautiful and my heart reaches for you, but it will stay still until I ever say “I do”.

Thank you Lord, for the beauty in the world, and please protect the heart of this awestruck girl.

AMEN.

 

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Happy St. Patrick’s Day

This has got to stop happening.

Not St. Patrick’s day, I fully support St. Pat and all the snake driving out of Ireland, God loving, Christianity that he stands for.

I’m talking about waking up three hours after I’ve gone to sleep and being completely restless.

Three hours after the fact, and my heart is still skipping a beat.
The color in my cheeks went back to normal though, so at least I’m pale again in time for the day of the Irish. Fitting.

I told him.
Hyped up on caffeine and hormones and the raw encouragement of blog readers, I told him about the tiny crush.
I think I may have had a small heart attack.
He said it was fine.
He was okay with me having a crush.
I should have stopped there.
But did I stop there?
Nooooo. Of course not.
Caffeine pumped, heart attack having, deranged Catherine went on.
“You wouldn’t happen to have similar feelings for me, would you?”

Firstly, I wish I had phrased it that way. In one short grammatically understandable sentence. It would have been infinitely better than the forty words I tapped into my phone like a crazy person. Secondly, I should have stopped. I shouldn’t have started in the first place. I should have just had some flippin’ patience and been happy with the fact that he didn’t mind I liked him. THAT’S WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE.
Unfortunately: coffee, miniature heart attack, inability to breathe or reason; and Catherine just puts a guy on the spot. All he can get out is “Uh, I don’t really know…I mean,” before I cut him off and determine to live the rest of my life under a rock.

…it was well past midnight.
He said he had to go to sleep and maybe he would talk to me tomorrow. Said I was over thinking things and to not worry about it. Sent me a smiley face.
I put my heart in a cardboard box for him to look at, and he gives me a smiley face. Like a small child cajoled with a lollipop after getting shots at the doctor’s. Trying to distract me from the total and utter pain of rejection.
Not to mention the over thinking things. Me? Over think things? Whenever would I have done that? Like I’m the kind of person who focuses on every little detail of her life and then threshes it out in thousand word blog posts in the middle of the night, ha!
My heart is feeling a little more normal now. It’s been an hour and a half since I first woke up. I went to sleep with the determination to act like a normal person and fall out of crushness. I woke up and was forced to spend an hour alone in my head thinking about it. The last song we sang together was still turning in my mind.
I’ll try at least. To be normal.
As best as I can.
It’s the least I can do.
Especially after he said I could like him and then I obsessively tried to find out if he liked me.
I may regret that for a while.
But, as I told myself when I first woke up from my adrenaline destroyed dreams, “If you never take risks you never get hurt, and you never live.”
Ships are safe in the harbor, but they’re meant to sail.
When you stare too long into the abyss, it stares back.
Two plus two is five.
I just got quoting there.
It was safer than thinking.
Goodnight.

– me, from just before 5 to just┬ábefore 6 in the morning. Yay.

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