Tag Archives: Lord

Poem: Wading through thorns.

“I appreciate you” I say pointlessly, while my hormones are raging, and I allow them to force me to speak this momentarily overwhelming stupid thought, that is half honesty, out of an attempt to make you communicate something more toward me. Communicate. With me.

Heart pounding and I see you smile and just want to wrap my arms around you, wrap your arms around me, be warm and soft and held tight like you love me.

Cursing these hormones and these thoughts and hopes that are built on short bouts of laughter and glances from your dark, beautiful eyes.

You stare a lot, and I don’t know what you communicate, but you set my heart on fire and it won’t seem to go out.

Glances and smiles with those beautiful eyes and beautiful cheeks and beautiful teeth gleaming white, perfectly set in a smiling mouth.

You are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are attractive and every physical part of me wants to be closer to you, and I’m at war with myself, mind over matter, because the matter is trying to take over and I’m starting to lose my mind.

I don’t want to lose my mind.

Because mentally, oh beautifully attractive one, mentally I know it is not time. Mentally, oh captivating heartthrob, causer of my heartbeats and blackouts of mind, mentally, I know that this is more overwhelming infatuation than love. This is more biological than rational, this is more instinct than instance, this is more me wanting to be loved than me loving, and I can’t have that.

I can’t have this.

I repel that desire for objectification, no matter the momentary elation of that satiation of desire, I repel that instant gratification, that short term duration of feeling, built on matter fleeting, of feeding that burning fire
that burns without purpose except to excite, that burns with heat but gives no great light, that burns to consume and exhaust and deplete, I reject that sterile and empty feat.
I reject the unwholesome consumption of you, crumbling your beauty not loving you through, I reject that notion that hearts can’t be tamed, that we can go on and on and not be blamed, I reject this notion, this desire to obtain, I reject these thoughts that leave love lame, I reject the dampening of Purity’s gleam, ruining her waters, defiling a stream of love, of goodness, of truth and joy, of happiness and beauty and all we employ when deeply and truly loving each other, I reject the bad and will accept no other love – except a love that is true, a love that loves every aspect of you.

I will fight for the truth and a heart that embraces
you and every single one of your faces,
you when you’re broken and you when you’re down,
you when you’re silent and when you make no sound,
you when you’re shouting and singing for joy,
you when you’re manly, or when you feel like a boy,
you when you need me and you when you don’t,
you when you help me and you when you won’t,
to love you despite, in addition, and because,
to love you for reasons that were, are, and was,
I will fight for a love that embraces all things that make you more holy and through which God brings us closer to him and to each other, deeper in love with him and one another.

I will fight for the Love he provides with no mercy.
I will fight for the Love he provides til I’m worthy
to have you, to hold you, to love you, a man,
I will fight to love you and try til I can.

You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and once that beauty was all I could see, blinded by the gift of sight, couldn’t see the soul surrounded in light. You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and I will try to love that beauty, love and respect and pray for and wait, and melt the lust that’s hiding self-hate. You are beautiful, you reflect perfection, and I will wait until God points me in the right direction. You are beautiful and my heart reaches for you, but it will stay still until I ever say “I do”.

Thank you Lord, for the beauty in the world, and please protect the heart of this awestruck girl.

AMEN.

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems

My close friend

My close friend, who is far away, wanted to speak to me yesterday.

My close friend, who is far away, talked with me and had something to say.

My close friend, who is far away, is in the hospital for a temporary stay.

My close friend, who is far away, told me and told me to not relay

the story of her sickness, the story that with quickness, in a short message no explanation, she gave a short telling with hesitation…

My close friend, who is so far away, has cancer.

 

I want to cry for my close friend, I want to cry for me.

I want to cry for my close friend, for the friend I hardly see.

I want to cry for my close friend, but the tears can’t do any good.

I want to cry for my close friend, but I don’t even know if I should.

 

What right have I to cry for her and for her pain…

Am I even crying for that, or for a friendship on the wane?

It is not fair for me to cry, she is the one who is suffering.

It is not fair for me to cry, crying can do nothing.

 

I am just the friend, I am not the one who is dying.

I am just the friend, and she cannot see me crying.

I am just the friend, and I must be strong for her

because if I am not strong, she cannot cry for her.

 

Please pray for my close friend.

 

 

 

 

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Failure to communicate

Some very lovely person nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award, and I was going to do all the rules and stuff that it required to get my very special award, but after spending a half hour working on the post, and the an additional two hours trying to find 15 other bloggers to nominate, I gave up with plans to finish it at a future date.

Since then I’ve been overwhelmed by life and I can’t go any longer without a post, so I’m breaking the promise I made to that nominator that whatever I posted next would be about that.

I can’t handle it.

Anyway, my life lately is its usual mix of problems, stressed by school, stressed by my general level of perceived failure, stressed by the dichotomy of being called to love my brothers and sisters in Christ and wanting to forget certain people ever existed…

First I was sick for a week, then I went out all weekend and enjoyed my life instead of staying inside and doing all of my homework for the next month so I wouldn’t feel so stressed, like I planned, and now another week of grad school has come upon me, and I haven’t even played ukulele for like, two weeks…which is too long.

So I just started composing another bitter song about a guy, and it’s the first time I’ve played my ukulele in at least a week, so life has been pretty difficult.

I might have a bitter song about a maladjusted male incapable of friendship breaking hearts just in time for Valentine’s day. Sweet.

Plus, it’s totally inspired by real life that is currently happening…Or texts messages just received in the last four hours, and a broken friendship that has been going on for far too long.

It’s also heavily biased, as all my songs are, possibly to the point of fictionalization…The feelings are real though. …HA. Feelings. So apt to change.

Anyway, I’m just frustrated by life, guys, school, my health, computer programs, the messy state of my room, aches, how I’m not attracted to the guys who are probably completely kindhearted gentlemen of Christ that I come across, and I have this stupid obsession with actually being attracted to a potential suitors, and how I could hardly define any guy I’ve ever had any communication with ever as a suitor, and how everything is just flippin’ annoying and I’m frustrated. (As a side note, typing “suitors” in yahoo search, which apparently is my internet browser’s go to search engine now :P, brings up Odysseus in regards to Penelope’s suitors…at least one thing is right with the world.)

Plus, I just did an online assignment, and I put like, 3 hours of work into this ridiculous thing, and when I went to post, the same post got posted twice, and I didn’t find out about it until a half hour after the assignment was due, and then I fixed it, but now I probably won’t even get the 1 stupid point that the assignment was worth, because I was too hasty to re-read what I posted a second time.

So yeah, and then, I’m frustrated about the guy who doesn’t communicate with me except to tell me that he wants to talk on the phone, and then when we do talk it’s all about his life and his plans, and I can’t tell him about me because whenever he asks I don’t want to tell him anything because I don’t trust him and I pretty much marked off this relationship friendship thing as merely an excuse for him to vent, and so far, he hasn’t seemed to notice, which makes me want to share even less, and I really should either just talk to him about it, or freeze him out entirely, and I am way too worn out, and don’t even want to deal with him or really have him in my life, because I see no good coming from it.

My life is doing a very great job of trying to be the death of me right now. I need more tea and less tears and more friends and less of these friend-zoned-not-even-a-friend people, and I need to get to a point in my life where I can get past the part where I’m overwhelmed by life and just handle it again. Maybe it’ll help if I stop saying “need” so much? Maybe it’ll help if I go off the grid, and the only people who can contact me are the people I see in person or my long-distance friends via e-mail? Maybe it’ll help if my best friend resurfaces on the face of the planet because she’s just disappeared for the last month and I would totally call her family if I had their number?

…The other day I just wanted to be abandoned at a Church so I could crumple in a ball in some corner, unnoticed and unusable, and just pray and cry and cry until God just tapped me on the shoulder and said “I love you, it’s okay, now here is how you do everything, and here’s the plan for what you need to do, I’m with you, let’s do it!” I also wanted to smash plates. I was angry and depressed and holding it all in and ridiculously laughing at the pain in my life, and at some point I cried.

I’m hurting dear sisters and brothers in Christ. I’m hurting fellow inhabitants of the world. I’m hurting and I don’t flippin’ know what to do, and I’m pretty sure the first step is communicate.

I talked to the family and they not know.

I need to talk to God.

I need to go on a retreat.

I haven’t time to go on a retreat.

I need to survive until the retreat.

I need to keep trudging, broken and wounded, and not even knowing why or how, until I can finally stop and heal.

Because life just keeps going and I’m being pulled along…OHMYGOSH, like a dead dog. (Chesterton. Everlasting Man*).

I have got to fight the stupid current. But if it was a current it would be easier…I might be fighting the current right now.

If you lost my train of thought, you can wait at the station, next thought is leaving in five….four….three…two…

I should probably just go to sleep, things are better in the morning. In the morning I think “Must survive this day, must survive this day, do A, B, and C, survive today and move on”, in the evening I think “Today was horrible, I don’t want to have to go through that again tomorrow, there has to be a better way, I am trapped in an endless circle of suffering through my days, Oh my Lord, really? Why are you doing this to me? Haven’t I suffered enough in my brief twenty-three years of life? Don’t I get a free pass to be happy now? Don’t I get sunshine and flowers and people showering me with love and money and the answers to all of my life problems? Don’t I get something!??? SOMETHING BESIDES THIS???? ” and then I cry, and my Mom tells me to go to bed, and then the next day it’s “Just get out of bed. Just do all the homework you have to do. Just eat something because otherwise your stomach hurts from hunger. Be nice to your niece. Do the rest of your homework. Try to dress warm for school. Go to school. Enjoy walking outside. Be intelligent in the classroom. Leave school….Start to dwell on the fact that you have more work and will simply repeat this process tomorrow and the next day and the next for the next year until you get a degree to go teach the stuff that you have been biting your tongue while learning.”

Yep, that’s my life.

I’m going to go make a list of what I enjoy now, and try to figure out how to make myself happier, because this has been incredibly depressing. I apologize. Especially because I ate ice cream today. A person with access to ice cream should not be allowed to complain as much as I do. But I do. Because ice cream can’t buy happiness.

And in case you were wondering, what Chesterton said was: “A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.”

-cdukulele

P.S. Please don’t be depressed because of me, I wish you only feelings of happiness and contentment, I in no way want my pain to impact your level of satisfaction with life. It’ll probably be okay. Eventually.

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Poem about Real Love

The internet allows for waaaaaay too much stalking. Too much heart stupidity. I should write some more happy stuff on here.

I’m a nut.
Thinking about what?
You, and your stupid little star striking ability.
Your voice kinda devours me.
Please go marry her.
Go fall and love and be happy.
Then maybe I can fall into my role as best friend, instead of heartbroken lover.

This is why I shouldn’t have friends.
This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to have guy friends.
This is why I can’t socialize with people like you.Beautiful people with beautiful voices that I just want to hug.

Is it possible to hug a voice?
Your voice makes me feel like hugging, and jumping through fields of lavendar.

It makes me feel so very angry and so very happy at the same time. So angry happy. So happy, that I’m angry.
I feel like you had more control over this than I did.
Like you knew what you were doing, with your voice, and your words, and your friendship,
Melting my heart.

Mine is an unreasonable response.
Unreasonable, unlogical response, and like a muse, you go on, and I melt, lost and inspired in my pain.
But yours is an unreasonable beauty.
I can’t love it so much, it cannot be so loveable, so desirable, so soul stretching, but it is, losing me in its depth.

The Lord knows. That unfathomable beauty, that unfathomable desire for it. He knows. He sees it. He lives it. He makes it.

The beauty to reflect back to him, the desire to pull towards him.

In my loneliness I look at that which is lovely and I realize it doesn’t fill my emptiness.
I look at that which draws me in and I see that it’s meant to bring me to more, to the source of all love.

I am drawn in by your beauty, but I am drawn past you, past the creation, to the Creator, past the painting and to the painter of real love itself, drawn to him, drawn to Christ, drawn to true Love.

I love you, oh how I love you, and I am going to try to continue to love because of you, because of the light of the Love I see in you, that reflection of the perfection.

I will continue to love you, to try to love you, like a lover of Christ.

Working toward perfection with my life.

I will love, and that will be enough, for me.

———

Now to find an open mic to read that at… – Catherine.

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A prayer.

I’ve got to try. Be strong and pray. I want to trust. It’s hard though, no matter how much they say

it’ll be generally better

it will be alright

you will get through this.

Lord, Lord. If this is how you treat your friends, no wonder you have so many enemies.

Lord, Lord. I love you.

Why are you so silly? Why does everything you do seem to confuse me?

Why am I so confused?

Dear sweet Lord, I am confused.

Help me.

Forgive away, be kind, succeed. Do not lie, do be honest, create, be happy, and do good without greed. Give your best, for it all comes down, to you and the Lord. 

Lord, I love you,

how do I know when I’m heard?

Lord, I need you,

oh help me trust in your Word.

Melt this heart that’s cold with sin,

Heal the heart that’s crumbling from within,

Save this heart that’s wearing thin.

Lord, I need you, I love you, I cannot handle it anymore.

Not alone.

Not being alone.

Not each poem.

Ripping every shred of heart, pieces gone and dead of art.

Lord. You’re there. You’re always there. You’ve been there. There. The

I AM

who is

always

here.

Lord, help me, and hear my prayer.

Amen.

 

 

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