Tag Archives: loneliness

Ending something that never began.

It is kind of insulting to tell me I overthink things. I can’t really turn off my brain.

It’s probably better to tell me that I misunderstood what you just said or did, because how can I really overthink it?

I can think that your words mean more than you intend them to mean…but maybe you simply weren’t tactful enough.

Or maybe there are things that I want to hear so badly that I’ll misinterpret it.

Maybe I do overthink, overthink so that I feel better about everything.

I fail at relationships with the opposite sex. On the plus side, I prayed for answers and it seems pretty clear.

Clear cut, painfully so: give up on this one.

So that seems to be the way my life goes, destined for singlehood. Which means I really ought to give up the pursuit.

I tried to give it up, and then he just turned up in my life, with the words and actions that I overthought. A week can be a lifetime for a relationship.

Romeo and Juliet lived it.

Infatuation to its fullest.

With death and poison as its fruit.

It hurts so much and I wish I could turn off that part of the brain, but I had free time, and in the idle moment I was distracted by loneliness and his presence, and it was what I chose to spend my time on.

I should spend my time on better things.

There are so many better things to spend time on.

But I hate spending so much time alone.

 

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What I want.

Can you please love me?

After so many years of blog posts and poems and songs and conversations, I figured out what it is I really want:

I want you to look at me, sit with me, listen to me, talk to me, hear me, and tell me that

it’s okay, you love me, you’re there for me, and you understand.

I want to know that no matter what I’m going through or what problem I’m dealing with, you’ll be there with me.

You won’t ever give up.

Won’t ever walk away. Won’t get worn out and tired of me because I’m depressing to be around.

Won’t do to me what I’ve done to so many people, won’t reach your limit of my problems and throw me away, because I’m not worth it.

Because the good isn’t worth the bad.

I just want you to love me. Unconditionally…so that I can stop locking it all up. So that I can stop holding it all in. So that I can stop only being the part of me that I think you can handle, one sliver of me at a time.

I just want to be fully me. Fully miserable when I’m miserable, fully happy when I’m happy.

Accept all my sorrow so that I know you’ll accept all my joy.

I don’t even know if I think it’s possible.

I …don’t think it’s possible for someone to love me in that way.

All my life has been a series of lessons teaching me that the only one who can really complete me is God, and that no one can be for me like he is.

And so I don’t see how you could possibly love me and accept me fully, because I don’t know if I would even love and accept me fully.

I don’t even know if someone exists who would love and accept every part of me and tell me that they’re never giving up on me.

I don’t know if it’s too much to ask of someone.

To just choose you, and stick by you, no matter what you go through…

That’s what I want…because it hurts so much when they give up.

And if the only one who can do that is God, then I don’t know…I don’t know what I’d want to even try to be with you for.

Because why attempt at joy when I know you can never fully give it. Why attempt at love when I know yours is only a shallow imitation. Is the shallow imitation enough?

I don’t know.

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Wherein I blog about my petty problems and loneliness:

Losing friends when you’re already literally losing friends sucks.

Like, I don’t know what I did or didn’t do to make you hate me.

Clearly, I need to stop putting myself on a pedestal of perfection wherein I can do no wrong.

Stop believing the people who say that everyone loves me.

Who goes around telling someone that everyone loves them anyway?

It’s not possible for everyone to love you.

An inflated ego results in loneliness.

I have so many friends but no one to spend time with.

It hurts.

How do I make myself more loveable?

And yet I can’t bow to society now…just when I’m discovering how much the world hates me once again. People don’t like friends who tell them they’re wrong.

I thought that’s what real friends did. Told you to your face to stop doing whatever messed up thing you’re doing.

…And now I’m so scared of losing all my other friendships that I don’t want to let anything go.

Slipping on eggshells and grasping at strings.

I miss…finding happiness in solid things that didn’t leave me every five seconds. I miss the security of being loved and wanted and knowing I was loved and wanted and it being enough.

Feeling like I’m losing one solid friendship makes me eager to hold on to all the others. I can’t handle losing her and everybody else.

I wish they understood my weak and feeble state.

The fact that I’m not a horrible friend or a horrible person, I’m just dealing with stuff less petty than their love problems right now and it makes me…a horrible friend and a horrible person.

Forgive me.

It’s too late now. I apologized and I can’t be perfection. I can’t be fully unselfish for them and fully unselfish for her.

When one friend is dying I guess I let my other friendships die.

Because I can be utterly alone, but I don’t want her to feel lonely.

Because if all I can do is be good enough for her, then I will choose the one dying over the ones who simply think their day to day dramas are matters of life and death.

So yes, I am not a good friend, not to them.

But to her I’m going to try hard as heck to be.

She doesn’t have  enough time left for me to waste my time and energy on people who don’t care.

I don’t have enough time.

So in being an amazing friend, I let myself become a horrible friend, and I lose both friendships, because she has cancer, and they’ll probably never forgive me.

Or just now, when it matters, they won’t, and they’ll leave me alone. So I’m left to deal with this utterly alone.

Which is totally fair.

Because it’s not their problem to deal with.

We were never that good friends to begin with.

I was just there. They were just there. Now the tragedy strikes and I want them back…but they won’t be around.

And I hurt.

But it’s little pain in the grand scheme of things.

Little pain, little loneliness, compared to so many.

So little…but it still hurts.

 

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Poem: Wading through thorns.

“I appreciate you” I say pointlessly, while my hormones are raging, and I allow them to force me to speak this momentarily overwhelming stupid thought, that is half honesty, out of an attempt to make you communicate something more toward me. Communicate. With me.

Heart pounding and I see you smile and just want to wrap my arms around you, wrap your arms around me, be warm and soft and held tight like you love me.

Cursing these hormones and these thoughts and hopes that are built on short bouts of laughter and glances from your dark, beautiful eyes.

You stare a lot, and I don’t know what you communicate, but you set my heart on fire and it won’t seem to go out.

Glances and smiles with those beautiful eyes and beautiful cheeks and beautiful teeth gleaming white, perfectly set in a smiling mouth.

You are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are attractive and every physical part of me wants to be closer to you, and I’m at war with myself, mind over matter, because the matter is trying to take over and I’m starting to lose my mind.

I don’t want to lose my mind.

Because mentally, oh beautifully attractive one, mentally I know it is not time. Mentally, oh captivating heartthrob, causer of my heartbeats and blackouts of mind, mentally, I know that this is more overwhelming infatuation than love. This is more biological than rational, this is more instinct than instance, this is more me wanting to be loved than me loving, and I can’t have that.

I can’t have this.

I repel that desire for objectification, no matter the momentary elation of that satiation of desire, I repel that instant gratification, that short term duration of feeling, built on matter fleeting, of feeding that burning fire
that burns without purpose except to excite, that burns with heat but gives no great light, that burns to consume and exhaust and deplete, I reject that sterile and empty feat.
I reject the unwholesome consumption of you, crumbling your beauty not loving you through, I reject that notion that hearts can’t be tamed, that we can go on and on and not be blamed, I reject this notion, this desire to obtain, I reject these thoughts that leave love lame, I reject the dampening of Purity’s gleam, ruining her waters, defiling a stream of love, of goodness, of truth and joy, of happiness and beauty and all we employ when deeply and truly loving each other, I reject the bad and will accept no other love – except a love that is true, a love that loves every aspect of you.

I will fight for the truth and a heart that embraces
you and every single one of your faces,
you when you’re broken and you when you’re down,
you when you’re silent and when you make no sound,
you when you’re shouting and singing for joy,
you when you’re manly, or when you feel like a boy,
you when you need me and you when you don’t,
you when you help me and you when you won’t,
to love you despite, in addition, and because,
to love you for reasons that were, are, and was,
I will fight for a love that embraces all things that make you more holy and through which God brings us closer to him and to each other, deeper in love with him and one another.

I will fight for the Love he provides with no mercy.
I will fight for the Love he provides til I’m worthy
to have you, to hold you, to love you, a man,
I will fight to love you and try til I can.

You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and once that beauty was all I could see, blinded by the gift of sight, couldn’t see the soul surrounded in light. You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and I will try to love that beauty, love and respect and pray for and wait, and melt the lust that’s hiding self-hate. You are beautiful, you reflect perfection, and I will wait until God points me in the right direction. You are beautiful and my heart reaches for you, but it will stay still until I ever say “I do”.

Thank you Lord, for the beauty in the world, and please protect the heart of this awestruck girl.

AMEN.

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems

Hello facebook

Hello facebook, don’t mind me, I’m merely checking in to see

if anyone wants to speak.

Hello facebook, I’m off to class, but I’m just logging in real fast. My mailbox is dark, oh well. Had to check, you can never tell.

Hello facebook, I’m back again, class is over, time for homework then. I’ll just check before I start…feel like we’ve been too long apart.

Hello facebook, I need to chill, I think I’ll watch a movie til

maybe someone talks to me?

Hello facebook, one last glimpse, I’m about to go to sleep again, but I just have to check to see

if my friends still think of me.

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I try

Spoiler: I actually have friends.

SOOOO, over the course of the summer I had a friend visiting me from a faraway land, it’s the same friend I visited last year who convinced me to get over the boy who sent me an inappropriate text. ANYWAY, she (I will now name her Merida) visited and we hung out in my hometown, and we went places, and she met precisely one of my friends. And the one friend she happened to meet was a guy friend of mine. A COMPLETELY different guy friend than the bad texting one, and one whom actually treats me decently because he treats everyone decently and his main goal in life is to get to heaven and he reflects that fact brilliantly. And so, Merida met my guy friend (who I shall now name Christopher) and we were totally chill, we just said hi for like five seconds, because Merida and I had to go somewhere else, and then later Merida and I were just chilling by ourselves and she was all “Do you like Christopher?” and I was like, “Whaaaaat?” and basically, I’m forgetting the details of the conversation, but I’m pretty sure I admitted something along the lines of, “Merida, it’s me, Catherine, I like every guy I meet who is a friend of mine and super nice and not generally unattractive.” And she was like “Uh huh” and then we couldn’t say anymore because we were at the drive in with my brother and he had just gotten back to the car.

So that was like…OH, almost a month a go, and since then I’ve been pondering Merida’s questioning and my acknowledging, and I decided to bury those feelings away and ignore them because Christopher just loves everyone and doesn’t LIKE me in that way. Then I was chilling with Christopher recently, and we are both musically inclined, and basically he told me I should learn a song that we were singing to in the radio as he drove me home from this awesome Christian talk that he convinced me to go to, and I forgot all about it and started to play the song today, and it’s intense. Like I was listening to it and reading the lyrics and suddenly I felt like they were singing exactly what was in my heart about Christopher. WHICH IS RIDICULOUS. Now that I think about it. Because the song is “I try” by Macy Gray, and just, no. I am not that much crazy about Christopher.

I probably just generally have a problem where I feel like I need particular people in my life in order to make it happy and worthwhile and then when they leave my life I’m lost and completely lonely. That’s not liking someone, it’s just an issue with my own ability to be content or something.

I don’t know. It just seems like I’m always ready to fall for somebody, and I keep looking for signs that I am and trying to prove it because falling for someone is so much more interesting to me than being alone.

But really, the emotions that these songs bring up could be applied to any number of my unrequited crushes and so it probably just reminds me of all of them at once.

It was overwhelming.

You should go listen to the song now.

I’m trying to play it on ukulele and it’s not going super well, but it’s a lovely song, and I’m ending this post so it will give you something to do.

Farewell!

-Me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Another Prayer

I seem resolved to be unhappy.

Something is wrong with me.

Depression makes for interesting reading.

His voice is gorgeous. I can’t believe I know the person that this voice belongs to.

I can’t believe that he cares so little about me.

I care so little about so many.

I miss happiness.

I miss happiness.

I miss happiness.

It’s so hard to hold onto.

And it’s not part of him.

I need happiness without him.

I need happiness by itself.

I need to be happy without him.

I need to be happy alone.

Because I’m always alone.

I always wind up alone.

Not truly alone, but alone enough.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Lord, Lord, Lord, I’m so poor in spirit, please make sure there’s a place for me up there. And him. Ultimately. In the end. Once I get through this. Today, tomorrow, the next day, for however long I have the chance to live.

Sometimes the pain. How is there so much pain?

My life’s too simple for this much pain.

There isn’t any reason to be in this pain.

Jealousy, loneliness, fear, sadness, emptiness, take it away Lord.

Replace it with…You.

Nothing better than You.

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