Tag Archives: Life

Reading til 5am.

I decided to be courageous, and I sent out an e-mail inquiring about a full-time job for the next school year. I feel partially crazy for doing it, but the other part of me recognizes that despite the fact that grad school can be overwhelming,  I spend a great deal of my time outside of class with nothing to do, and when I have nothing to do I wind up wasting a lot of time on trivial things…like thinking about romance. I figure I could at least attempt to reallocate some of my daydreaming time over to actually earning money and building up my resume.

I haven’t gotten a response to that e-mail yet, which I sent based off the recommendation of a friend, but I guess I can start worrying after a full business day has passed.

In other news, it’s summer and my attempts to not dwell on non-existent romantic relationships resulted in three nights of me staying up until sunrise reading. I seem to have this deluded belief that finishing a book in under twenty-four hours makes me successful, when it really just makes me anti-social because I spend most of the daylight hours asleep and pondering what book I will buy and read next. If that’s my measurement of success, then…I finished 3 books! I don’t know what that means.


Until the next time I remember this blog exists and I feel a desperate need to share some thoughts,





Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing

Update, God is Good!

My friend with cancer’s tumor has shrunk.

It’s wonderful news.

She keeps saying that my prayers are the reason for it.

I have no idea what God is up to and how much he’s working through me, but I’ll take it.

Thank you for your prayers too.


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Putting things in Perspective

Life is good.

I’m working on the developing meaningful friendships with people of the opposite sex, and everyone really, and not being so obsessive.

I’m working really slowly, but I’m working on it.

I’m kind of critical of myself and paranoid about what others think of me sometimes. I think that a lot of what they do or don’t do is directly related to some fault of mine. I should stop thinking that way. It’s not healthy, because I can really only control myself and I probably have very little negative influence on these people, if any at all, and if it is there, then it’s probably nothing I can control.

But I tend to think I can control it, and want to control it, because I want to be accepted and approved of.

I don’t know why.

Maybe it’s because I feel so dependent upon others and so unable to really take care of myself, like without people I would be very badly off, and so I want them to approve of me and like me so that I feel safe and secure, because I don’t trust me to take care of me.

And I don’t trust me to take care of me because physically my body still can’t handle as much as a “healthy” person (or so I think), and mentally I’m afraid of something breaking or going wrong and being completely dependent upon others again, especially because the need for neurosurgery came out of nowhere, the neck breaking happened just as I was getting better, and I’m still not confident I’m completely recovered / I expect something else to go wrong.

But nothing should go wrong.

But something could go wrong.

So I obsess about finding people to support and take care of me as insurance against the possibility that I will be helpless and alone.

But life is going good…because…I’m finding people I think I can depend on? People who tell me to stop thinking so negatively. People who give me a slightly more positive outlook, not only in the realm of having people to depend on, but in the realm of actually being able to take care of myself at some point, and that everything will be okay.

Life is good because there are people in my life reminding me that it can be good. Reminding me that I should have a little faith, I can have a little faith.

That it will be okay.

That I’ll get through it, and I won’t be alone, and that I will be able to take care of myself.

Then again I could be struck by lightening tomorrow. That’d be bad…But that’d also be incredibly unlikely, as most of the negative things I dwell on probably are, so I should focus again on trusting in God and trusting in him working through me.

And that is how my mind works, think of something small, go to the extreme of blowing it out of proportion, go back to seeing it in the correct view, calm down.

It will be okay, and it is okay.

Peace and love to you.



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Twenty things I was thinking and turned into a list that has nothing in common except that they are my thoughts.

  1. I commented on people’s blogs, and then they thought that what I said was so helpful, they even brought up my name and tagged my blog. I appreciate this ().
  2. I especially appreciate the tagging, because in unjustnyx’s post, after reading about my great relationship advice (because I totally know what I’m talking about…), you can click on my name and jump immediately to my latest post in which I’m talking about how my friend is dying of cancer. I like the total lack of segue.
  3. I just got back from visiting the friend with cancer, and I was lying in my bed crying and feeling alone until I went to my wordpress account, and discovered the tagging, and felt better, and started the post updating.
  4. I realize I should have started this numbering system with number three maybe, and proceeded from there, but I was happy for a moment and wanted to dwell on that.
  5. It’s possible that I’m not emotionally there enough to form this into a cohesive post.
  6. Yesterday school made me cry again, for reasons of complexities that looked like they might result in dropping out, and then I had to stop the crying because my cancer friend was waiting to eat dinner for me downstairs in the hotel. So I literally sat on a bed, cried five tears, exhaled a couple times, told myself YOU CAN’T CRY, BEST FRIEND NEEDS YOU! and then went to pay for a seven dollar cup of tea.
  7. Stupidly over-priced hotel restaurants should not charge you 7 dollars for tea when they give you four bags of complimentary tea in your room.
  8. You should not order 7 dollar cups of tea from hotel restaurants when you have four packs of complimentary tea in your room.
  9. Baths aren’t everything they’re cracked up to be.
  10. Swimming is always wonderful…Even in January…at 9 am…After 3 hours of sleep, when it’s 60 degrees outside.
  11. Writing your crush’s name in the sand on an isolated beach and then drawing hearts next to and around it can be kinda fun and cathartic in a weird way.
  12. Writing your crush’s name in the sand on an isolated beach next to a friend with a camera phone is NOT A GOOD IDEA.
  13. Attempting to destroy the sand-written name before your friend with the camera phone can snap a photo of it is also a bad idea, as the end result will be a photo with both the name and your hand in it, providing perfect evidence of the fact that you have a crush on the guy with the sand-written name.
  14. Later that night, when your friend uploads photos to facebook and says she didn’t upload the one that would ruin you forever because your crush would know everything, do not take her word for it. Double check, because yes, while she didn’t upload that ONE photo that she took of her handwriting the name more clearly to amuse herself, apparently she did upload the one where you can see your hand.
  15. Facebook is incredibly tricky when it comes to making sure photos are properly deleted…and in a way, you are somehow worried they are still there…somehow…forever and ever…just waiting.
  16. Do not tell your friend about how she should save that photo of the sand-written name for future reference, like, in case you fall in love with and marry this guy, and then she can frame it and give it to you…Apparently, this thought is crazy, and you will be mocked.
  17. It is probably unfair to continuously tell my friend with cancer “You can not die.” I may think it over and over, every time she does something ridiculous that only she would do, every time she says something that only she would say, every time she reminds me of what an utterly unique (albeit strange), fascinating, devoted, person and friend she is, and I may continuously tell myself that this person must continue to exist on the planet and can not die, because I can’t handle their death and them not being there…but…it is not fair to tell that to them. It is not fair to give them the undue pressure of remaining alive. Only of course for the fact that they have little to no control over it…and I shouldn’t tell people not to do the things they may have no control over.
  18. On the other hand, if my friend was completely in control of it, then yes, I would repeatedly tell her that, because she is not allowed to just give up. You have to try. Because giving up is not an option. Why? Because it isn’t. It just isn’t. You have no idea of the lives you impact and the gifts you bring and honestly, the truth is, you’re not living for you. If you were living for you you’d be miserable and the world would be a miserable place to live. We live for love, we live for people, we live for each other, and you can not give up just because your life just got flippin miserable.
  19. Also, you live for you, and that’s another reason to not give up. Because the flippin misery can flippin go away. I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but giving up isn’t gonna help it, and even if you’re flippin miserable you can be flippin’ happy at the same time. It’s a conundrum of life and basically, life’s a mix of the misery and the happy and being miserable does not ensure happiness will never happen again and you just got to keep trying, for me, for you, because I love and I want you to love, and I want you to live and be happy.
  20. This is the end of the random thought list.



Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing

December 8, 2015

Feast of the Immaculate Conception. It is a beautiful day, it is a feast day, a holiday, a holy day.

I started the day exhausted and rushing from place to place, to Mass, to professor’s offices, to lunch, to  class, and it took me until after it was all over to realize how blessed I was. So here it goes:

  • I exercised and showered.
  • I ate breakfast.
  • I went to Mass with my three year old nephew and my Mom.
  • I met with my professor and she helped me plan for my final lesson plan.
  • I ate lunch with a friend and discussed life, boys, and our final group project.
  • I recognized a musician that I played a show with recently, and I said hello to him at school.
  • I got a phone call from a booking agent, confirming the details of my next show.
  • I went to class and saw my classmates.
  • I gave someone a cookie.
  • I met with a second professor and found out not only that I didn’t fail my last assignment, but that the grade I had received was a B-.
  • After some discussion the B- grade was raised to a B.
  • I finished planning most of my group project with my classmates.
  • There was free birthday cake.
  • My friend drove me home.
  • I played ukulele.
  • I composed two new songs, one of which I will definitely play at a show in the future.
  • I ate dinner.
  • The guy I’ve been communicating with ended his last message to me with “Xoxo”.

It has been a fantastic day. An extremely difficult and tiring day, but a fantastic one.

I am blessed.



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Poem: Wading through thorns.

“I appreciate you” I say pointlessly, while my hormones are raging, and I allow them to force me to speak this momentarily overwhelming stupid thought, that is half honesty, out of an attempt to make you communicate something more toward me. Communicate. With me.

Heart pounding and I see you smile and just want to wrap my arms around you, wrap your arms around me, be warm and soft and held tight like you love me.

Cursing these hormones and these thoughts and hopes that are built on short bouts of laughter and glances from your dark, beautiful eyes.

You stare a lot, and I don’t know what you communicate, but you set my heart on fire and it won’t seem to go out.

Glances and smiles with those beautiful eyes and beautiful cheeks and beautiful teeth gleaming white, perfectly set in a smiling mouth.

You are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are attractive and every physical part of me wants to be closer to you, and I’m at war with myself, mind over matter, because the matter is trying to take over and I’m starting to lose my mind.

I don’t want to lose my mind.

Because mentally, oh beautifully attractive one, mentally I know it is not time. Mentally, oh captivating heartthrob, causer of my heartbeats and blackouts of mind, mentally, I know that this is more overwhelming infatuation than love. This is more biological than rational, this is more instinct than instance, this is more me wanting to be loved than me loving, and I can’t have that.

I can’t have this.

I repel that desire for objectification, no matter the momentary elation of that satiation of desire, I repel that instant gratification, that short term duration of feeling, built on matter fleeting, of feeding that burning fire
that burns without purpose except to excite, that burns with heat but gives no great light, that burns to consume and exhaust and deplete, I reject that sterile and empty feat.
I reject the unwholesome consumption of you, crumbling your beauty not loving you through, I reject that notion that hearts can’t be tamed, that we can go on and on and not be blamed, I reject this notion, this desire to obtain, I reject these thoughts that leave love lame, I reject the dampening of Purity’s gleam, ruining her waters, defiling a stream of love, of goodness, of truth and joy, of happiness and beauty and all we employ when deeply and truly loving each other, I reject the bad and will accept no other love – except a love that is true, a love that loves every aspect of you.

I will fight for the truth and a heart that embraces
you and every single one of your faces,
you when you’re broken and you when you’re down,
you when you’re silent and when you make no sound,
you when you’re shouting and singing for joy,
you when you’re manly, or when you feel like a boy,
you when you need me and you when you don’t,
you when you help me and you when you won’t,
to love you despite, in addition, and because,
to love you for reasons that were, are, and was,
I will fight for a love that embraces all things that make you more holy and through which God brings us closer to him and to each other, deeper in love with him and one another.

I will fight for the Love he provides with no mercy.
I will fight for the Love he provides til I’m worthy
to have you, to hold you, to love you, a man,
I will fight to love you and try til I can.

You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and once that beauty was all I could see, blinded by the gift of sight, couldn’t see the soul surrounded in light. You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and I will try to love that beauty, love and respect and pray for and wait, and melt the lust that’s hiding self-hate. You are beautiful, you reflect perfection, and I will wait until God points me in the right direction. You are beautiful and my heart reaches for you, but it will stay still until I ever say “I do”.

Thank you Lord, for the beauty in the world, and please protect the heart of this awestruck girl.




Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems

ODR: Stress

This has been an emotionally exhausting seven days…and month.

Ever since Halloween it’s been busy.

School decided that all the big assignments are going to be due now.

The sky decided that it’s going to kick into freezing mode.

A guy decided to ask me out.

And it’s just, crazy.

I need another day off. Hanging out with people is energy draining. Doing things is energy draining. Thinking about relationships, thinking. LIFE.

I rather hate lesson planning. I’m not good at recognizing student errors and finding ways to fix them. I don’t know what I’m doing. I am so tired. Tired and distracted. Distracted by my health, my friend’s health, my mind, everything.

Just getting tough to handle.

So tough.

(Nov 12, 2015)

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