Tag Archives: Infatuation

Poem: Wading through thorns.

“I appreciate you” I say pointlessly, while my hormones are raging, and I allow them to force me to speak this momentarily overwhelming stupid thought, that is half honesty, out of an attempt to make you communicate something more toward me. Communicate. With me.

Heart pounding and I see you smile and just want to wrap my arms around you, wrap your arms around me, be warm and soft and held tight like you love me.

Cursing these hormones and these thoughts and hopes that are built on short bouts of laughter and glances from your dark, beautiful eyes.

You stare a lot, and I don’t know what you communicate, but you set my heart on fire and it won’t seem to go out.

Glances and smiles with those beautiful eyes and beautiful cheeks and beautiful teeth gleaming white, perfectly set in a smiling mouth.

You are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are attractive and every physical part of me wants to be closer to you, and I’m at war with myself, mind over matter, because the matter is trying to take over and I’m starting to lose my mind.

I don’t want to lose my mind.

Because mentally, oh beautifully attractive one, mentally I know it is not time. Mentally, oh captivating heartthrob, causer of my heartbeats and blackouts of mind, mentally, I know that this is more overwhelming infatuation than love. This is more biological than rational, this is more instinct than instance, this is more me wanting to be loved than me loving, and I can’t have that.

I can’t have this.

I repel that desire for objectification, no matter the momentary elation of that satiation of desire, I repel that instant gratification, that short term duration of feeling, built on matter fleeting, of feeding that burning fire
that burns without purpose except to excite, that burns with heat but gives no great light, that burns to consume and exhaust and deplete, I reject that sterile and empty feat.
I reject the unwholesome consumption of you, crumbling your beauty not loving you through, I reject that notion that hearts can’t be tamed, that we can go on and on and not be blamed, I reject this notion, this desire to obtain, I reject these thoughts that leave love lame, I reject the dampening of Purity’s gleam, ruining her waters, defiling a stream of love, of goodness, of truth and joy, of happiness and beauty and all we employ when deeply and truly loving each other, I reject the bad and will accept no other love – except a love that is true, a love that loves every aspect of you.

I will fight for the truth and a heart that embraces
you and every single one of your faces,
you when you’re broken and you when you’re down,
you when you’re silent and when you make no sound,
you when you’re shouting and singing for joy,
you when you’re manly, or when you feel like a boy,
you when you need me and you when you don’t,
you when you help me and you when you won’t,
to love you despite, in addition, and because,
to love you for reasons that were, are, and was,
I will fight for a love that embraces all things that make you more holy and through which God brings us closer to him and to each other, deeper in love with him and one another.

I will fight for the Love he provides with no mercy.
I will fight for the Love he provides til I’m worthy
to have you, to hold you, to love you, a man,
I will fight to love you and try til I can.

You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and once that beauty was all I could see, blinded by the gift of sight, couldn’t see the soul surrounded in light. You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and I will try to love that beauty, love and respect and pray for and wait, and melt the lust that’s hiding self-hate. You are beautiful, you reflect perfection, and I will wait until God points me in the right direction. You are beautiful and my heart reaches for you, but it will stay still until I ever say “I do”.

Thank you Lord, for the beauty in the world, and please protect the heart of this awestruck girl.

AMEN.

 

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems

You like him!

MAN. I was on the last sentence of my lovely little post update about life, when I clicked some stupid button by accident and it all disappeared.

What was I talking about:

Another one of my friends (I will call her Shannon) somehow figured out that I have a crush on Christopher. After asking me several questions on the topic and getting me to admit it after shouting out that I liked him, she later said “I think you have a chance with him”. She followed up this statement with evidence about how he seemed disappointed that I wasn’t at the last event that she saw him at, and how he said that she must be a nice person because Catherine has nice friends. It was something like that.

I brushed these statements off by explaining that Christopher was just an extraordinarily kind person who would have missed anybody who wasn’t there and that he likes everybody, and has no personal preference for myself. Shannon didn’t respond to that, and instead asked me if I thought that Luke might be interested in her. I cannot read Luke at all, and after having spent last summer chatting with him for hours over the course of a couple weeks, I have no idea how he feels about anything, so I basically told her that no, I couldn’t tell – because I couldn’t.

That was the end of our conversation for the night, because it was just about 1am and I was driving her home, but it might have been one of the most interesting portions of the night. Besides the four hours we spent at Luke’s work, waiting for him to be done with his shift, and then driving off together to get ice cream and talking about theology until the ice cream shop closed.
Last night was also the second time Luke asked me whether there was anyone special in my life. The first time was a couple months ago at a bar, when Shannon first met Luke, and we had all gone to a concert together. We were sitting at a table packed with people and Luke was talking to me and asked that question, which I tried to ignore. Then he asked me again and I said no, he acted shocked, and I changed the topic. Last night he asked Shannon and I both that question as we sat around the table at the ice cream shop, and it seemed less awkward and like it could have more potentially been an innocent question rather than him testing the waters. I don’t know.

Hopefully Shannon and Luke work something out so that I don’t think people are falling for me, and they can both be happy. Then I can be left to playing my ukulele songs while I day-dream about Christopher.

Time for homework.

-cdukulele

Leave a comment

Filed under Cdukulele's life.

The new story

I re-activated my online dating account. I had to stalk some people on there, okay? I had to.

Online dating is evil. EVIL.

Of course, my luck with real life dating is nonexistent.

I went on a date once.

Mainly I have lots of friends.

Friends are better than smothering people who say they like you but never actually find the time to meet you, right?

Yes…yes they are.

So I de-activated my account. But I may have also invented a new dating account before I reactivated my old one, and that one may still be up and running. With no pictures. Just a bitter little intro about how I’m procrastinating from working on a school assignment and I like guitars.

I’m procrastinating on the school assignment a lot. It’s stressing me out. I’m turning a pretty simple project phase into a week of misery over it. It’s only 5 points out of my hundred for the project…and I already have 13 of my points…At this point, if I get all of my points for the rest of the project, I’ll get a 98. That’s comforting. So, if I totally bomb this project, I’ll can still pull a 93. Isn’t it comforting to think about the lowest possible grade you can receive in something? Actually, the lowest I could get right now would be a 13%…But that’s if I stopped doing work for the rest of the semester…WHICH I WON’T DO…Probably. I mean. Definitely.

So, I reactivated my dating account because I didn’t want to do homework. I’m trying to solve my life problems by finding a boyfriend. Yeah, that’s healthy.

I need to do this project. And not try to find a future husband to solve all my problems. Because spouses don’t solve problems. They just make your life happier. And hang out with you on Valentine’s day. And probably would go with you to open mic nights. And would also hug you when you don’t want to go to school.

Stupid non-existent spouses. Making everyone’s lives better but mine.

I need to go to sleep, I love you.

I have no one else to say it to, so I’m saying it to you, I LOVE YOU!

That’s a lie, I have loads of people to say that to. I scroll down my facebook newsfeed and want to say it to at least two people on a regular basis, and could say it to ninety percent of my friends without being very concerned about what they’d think about me anyway.

But I don’t have many people to say, “I LOVE YOU and your life brings me joy and I want to go out with you” to. Not that I’m saying it to you, I just so want to say it to certain individuals in that way, that I’m letting out part of the tension by merely typing out those words to a non-specific audience of blog readers and just pretending that somehow the ones I want to say it to get the message.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE THEM.

I LOVE.

I’m really just infatuated. But, yeah.

Dern infatuation.

Fueling my procrastination.

I need sleep now.

Night/I’matrytoworkonthisPROJECT!

-cdukulele

Leave a comment

Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

My night

Went to Open Mic.

Saw my crush with another girl.

Failed halfway through a new song.

Could barely hear myself over the alcohol-consuming-people while I was on stage.

Got home.

Ate fast food.

Watched youtube videos for an hour and a half.

My life…

Now I need to do my stretches and shower and go to sleep before anyone notices I’m staying up really late wasting time.

On the plus side, I made cookies earlier today and I have crushes on so many people that I’m sure this latest heartache will be gone soon….just in time for someone else to start torturing me with their unattainable beauty and charm.

9 Comments

Filed under Cdukulele's life., Cdukulele's love life.

His Concert

It’s been a good night.

Went to John’s concert.

Slowly became even more infatuated, and felt my cheeks burning and my heart just kept crumbling more with every song.

Not good.

Not good at all really.

It’s hard to focus on being someone’s friend when they’re up on stage in front of you, five feet away, singing sweet, sweet, love songs.

Then you can only think about whether they could at all be thinking about you when they’re singing, and how they were staring at you for that half a second and they looked away as soon as you looked at them. Were they looking at you?

You wish they were looking at you. You’re pretty sure they were.
And you treasure that half a second of a stare, because for half a second he was focused on you. He cared about you. For half a second. Even if it was just half a second.

The rest of the night…Well…it was good.

I think he can’t decide what we are.

That makes me feel better…

Like, we sat on a couch together chatting, and, I mean, we were pretty close. Leaning on the same pillow so that we’d pretty much be sitting on each other’s elbows without it, close.

Friends can be close too, but not…that close.

Maybe…but he showed me his finger callouses from playing guitar. I mean, come on, excuse for a girl to touch your hands much? …No? Just weird?

Anyway, I like him, and I’m trying to be more normal about it, but he makes me want to scream it from a mountain top when he’s playing love songs and singing and being freakin’ attractive. Gosh.

He drove me home too. My parents were going to pick me up, but he offered…So yeah.

 

Halfway through his concert, the second after wanting to scream I loved him from a mountain top, I went back to realizing it was just friendship, at this point. And it hurt. And I got kind of mad. Because what kind of guy hangs out with you so much and talks to you so much and invites you to concerts, and then just wants to be your friend? How does he dare be so beautiful, talented, wonderful, and nice, and then just not be…not be yours?

I tried to think of scenarios wherein I was okay with this continued friendship. This continued, “I like him, and he hangs out with me, but I can’t hug him…or kiss him on the cheek,” friendship thing. All I could think of was just…being with him, a lot, and being able to talk to him more and see him more, and then maybe I could resist the urge to want to date him. To want him to just be with me; because I wouldn’t have to date him to just spend time with him, if he just spent time with me.

The spending time together thing is looking better though…I think. I mean… after tonight. He’ll probably still want to hang out with me. I think we bring each other mutual happiness.

So yeah.

That’s what happened tonight.

Plus meeting other musicians and people, and someone bringing up me actually playing music someplace myself.

It was a good night. Overall.

Goodnight. Thanks for reading.

🙂

 

-Cdukulele

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Cdukulele's life., Cdukulele's love life., Various writing

That poisionous bug called Love.

Dear Perfect Guy,

Stop being so freakin adorable.

I cannot like you.
So stop making me like you.

I think we should stop being friends, because I hate how seeing you makes me bubble over with happiness about something I can never have.

Why doesn’t an attractive guy my age ever walk up to me and say “Hey, wanna go chill and make pancakes and listen to records together?” I would say yes to that.

And where are the beautiful normal, funny, intelligent, interesting guys my age?

I’d like to meet one. I’d like to talk to him in person.
I’d like to sip coffee in a coffee shop with him and discuss life and music and ukuleles.
I hate that the maturity level of someone I want to date is too many years distant from my own age.
Age isn’t just a number people.

Maybe we can just be friends that sit together and drink coffee and listen to records together.
Of course, you probably think I’m creepy.
WHY ARE WE EVEN FRIENDS!?????

Signed,

                Obsessed Ukulele Girl Who Just wants to talk to you ALL THE TIME.

2 Comments

Filed under Various writing