Tag Archives: Hormones

Poem: Wading through thorns.

“I appreciate you” I say pointlessly, while my hormones are raging, and I allow them to force me to speak this momentarily overwhelming stupid thought, that is half honesty, out of an attempt to make you communicate something more toward me. Communicate. With me.

Heart pounding and I see you smile and just want to wrap my arms around you, wrap your arms around me, be warm and soft and held tight like you love me.

Cursing these hormones and these thoughts and hopes that are built on short bouts of laughter and glances from your dark, beautiful eyes.

You stare a lot, and I don’t know what you communicate, but you set my heart on fire and it won’t seem to go out.

Glances and smiles with those beautiful eyes and beautiful cheeks and beautiful teeth gleaming white, perfectly set in a smiling mouth.

You are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are attractive and every physical part of me wants to be closer to you, and I’m at war with myself, mind over matter, because the matter is trying to take over and I’m starting to lose my mind.

I don’t want to lose my mind.

Because mentally, oh beautifully attractive one, mentally I know it is not time. Mentally, oh captivating heartthrob, causer of my heartbeats and blackouts of mind, mentally, I know that this is more overwhelming infatuation than love. This is more biological than rational, this is more instinct than instance, this is more me wanting to be loved than me loving, and I can’t have that.

I can’t have this.

I repel that desire for objectification, no matter the momentary elation of that satiation of desire, I repel that instant gratification, that short term duration of feeling, built on matter fleeting, of feeding that burning fire
that burns without purpose except to excite, that burns with heat but gives no great light, that burns to consume and exhaust and deplete, I reject that sterile and empty feat.
I reject the unwholesome consumption of you, crumbling your beauty not loving you through, I reject that notion that hearts can’t be tamed, that we can go on and on and not be blamed, I reject this notion, this desire to obtain, I reject these thoughts that leave love lame, I reject the dampening of Purity’s gleam, ruining her waters, defiling a stream of love, of goodness, of truth and joy, of happiness and beauty and all we employ when deeply and truly loving each other, I reject the bad and will accept no other love – except a love that is true, a love that loves every aspect of you.

I will fight for the truth and a heart that embraces
you and every single one of your faces,
you when you’re broken and you when you’re down,
you when you’re silent and when you make no sound,
you when you’re shouting and singing for joy,
you when you’re manly, or when you feel like a boy,
you when you need me and you when you don’t,
you when you help me and you when you won’t,
to love you despite, in addition, and because,
to love you for reasons that were, are, and was,
I will fight for a love that embraces all things that make you more holy and through which God brings us closer to him and to each other, deeper in love with him and one another.

I will fight for the Love he provides with no mercy.
I will fight for the Love he provides til I’m worthy
to have you, to hold you, to love you, a man,
I will fight to love you and try til I can.

You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and once that beauty was all I could see, blinded by the gift of sight, couldn’t see the soul surrounded in light. You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and I will try to love that beauty, love and respect and pray for and wait, and melt the lust that’s hiding self-hate. You are beautiful, you reflect perfection, and I will wait until God points me in the right direction. You are beautiful and my heart reaches for you, but it will stay still until I ever say “I do”.

Thank you Lord, for the beauty in the world, and please protect the heart of this awestruck girl.

AMEN.

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems

Family values

I want to get married and have babies and take care of them and love and protect them and raise them.

I totally will probably stop writing sappy love songs if I ever actually get into one of those relationships.

Something must be up with my hormones. They’re in the I want to be a mother mode.

It’s like when my sister turned twenty-something and started running around the house and updating facebook statuses with things like “I WANT BABIES”.

It’s crazy the things you’ll say. Except she was in that mode for a good three years, and I think she’s still in it, she’s just less vocal about it since she broke up with her fiancee…

Anyway, I’m also willing to adopt small humans or just volunteer to help them with homework. That works too.

I’m too poor and totally single to actually become a wife and mother right now.

It must have been that country singer at the concert last night. His little daughter came over to me before the show and started trying to strum my ukulele, and she was freakin’ adorable. Then he invited his wife to come up on stage and sing some songs with him, and it was beautiful.

I want that love, you know? I want that purpose and that commitment and responsibility to taking care of a life and sacrificing your own life for the good of others. Plus I’d get to hold precious children in my arms and love them.

I get to do that anyway, I mean, I always have the opportunity to love others and sacrifice for them, and with my number of nieces and nephews there are plenty of small children to love…But it’s different than actually having your own little family unit, and your own children, and your own house and people to take care of.

So yeah…I want my own family someday. Some little grouping of people who might think I’m crazy and whom I occasionally embarrass with my ukulele playing and stupid jokes, but who love me anyway, and who play ukulele too because I taught them when they were old enough to walk. …

Anyway, that was just my random want-to-be-a-mom rant. It might be a sign of my aging…I did just turn 24.

Happy Sunday.

-Cat

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

Always

I don’t like my obsession
With a personal connection,
And it doesn’t help
That you’re always there
And knowing that you’ll readily hear
Anything I have to say about anything
And then just nod and smile, and make me
Want to kiss you.

I don’t like it.

Nor do I like the indistinguishable psych-
Ology of yours that I don’t yet know,
And so I cannot show
Myself whether or not you are someone
Worthy of being kissed.
I just want to kiss you.

I blame hormones.
Sweet, wonderful, hormones that would inexplicably
Make me happy
just by being that near your face.
Which is a very personal place
to be,
you next to me.
And, if I cursed, I would send those hormones
Where fire meets pain
Into the land I shall not name.
But I don’t, I won’t, and instead they’ll haunt
Me.
Thoughts of you.
Flooding through.
Because that’s what those irreverent hormones do,
Poison my mind.
No, I am not fine.
You’re stuck on a loop
And no matter what hoop
I jump through
It’s always just you
And your eyes
And your lips
And I just want to kiss them.
But I can’t.
And we shan’t.
Because I only know you from the little truths you told
And my little mind made mold
That shaped you into perfection
With every little section
And the heart of the matter is still unknown,
From the little you’ve shown.

So our lips remain apart.
Because that is me being smart.
Protecting me,
Protecting you,
But oh what I wouldn’t do
To kiss those lips.

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Filed under All Poetry, Love Poems