Tag Archives: hoping

I’m sorry

Dear Ex, I’m sorry.

I went to the last place we were together today, I had to for a school related thing, and I walked past the places that we walked past, and through the doors you walked through after you kissed me on the cheek for the last time. I missed you, and I’m sorry.

I wanted to be with you, I still want to be with you, and it is because you’re smart and you’re funny, and you tend to get my jokes. It’s because you’re sweet and you’re sensitive and you want to give the world to the people you love. It’s because you care, and you care deeply. It’s because you want to love.

I know that you are trying, or at least that you want to try, please know that I’m trying to…But at some point I realized that no matter how much we tried, you were still looking for someone to make you accept yourself, and I was accepting you beyond what was right, in order to not be alone.

It would have been more loving to tell you sooner that you needed to find yourself before trying to be with someone. It would have been more loving to let you have the personal space to realize your own worth, before becoming mixed up in your calculations of what it meant to be loveable. It would have been more loving to let you be my brother in Christ, rather than being the woman in your life…to let you know unconditional love, than to make you think that you were only loved on romantic conditions.

I’m sorry, because now the romance has crumbled and the friendship that could have been is shattered.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you love yourself…I’m sorry I couldn’t make you realize that you are enough just in who you are, that you don’t have to be enough for me, just for God…and I’m hoping, praying, that as you go on in life, you realize that you are loved, and loved more fully and better by someone who loves you more than I ever could or will.

I’m sorry, I love you, and I wish you the best.

I hope that I can grow too, that I can become stronger and heal from the pain, that I can build strong friendships and worry less about romance, that I will be able to look back on our memories and relationship and not dwell on the pain, and not dwell on my longing, but rather after some time to be able to look back and see how much we’ve grown…To see how much stronger, how much better, how much holier we are. To see how we’ve changed and grown closer to God, how we’ve used our gifts to build up and love the people around us. To see us happy and content even if completely apart. And to see you either become a priest or be happily married to a beautiful woman of God. Either one of those would be great.

Anyway, that’s what I’m hoping for, and in the meantime I love you and will love you from afar, as my brother in Christ, praying we both become closer to Christ, Amen.

P.s. I blocked you on facebook.

P.p.s. I have faith that God has better plans for us than each other. [Does that sound bad? If so then I’m kind of proving my point then, aren’t I? I mean, COME ON, how can I be the one for you (God is the only true ONE for all of us) if I’m offending you all the time. Case and point. LOVE YA AS A BRO, BRO!]

 

 

 

 

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Perfect guy appear please.

The post under this title was a compilation of self-depreciating comments that did not befit the humor of the desperation of the title. It was composed on the first day of the month of St. Valentine, and basically fits the love-torn state of anyone completely alone romantically on that day.

Instead of sharing that original mixed up post with you all, I have begun composing one that is much better synthesized…if merely for the fact that it contains the word “synthesized”.

And to continue this post I will simply say that…I am tired of waiting, but I will keep waiting, because waiting is what I am best at, but I secretly fear that if “the right guy” came around I wouldn’t recognize him if I saw him, and maybe he is already here and I don’t know it. HOWEVER, that is just impatience taking hold of my ability to wait, which is still trying to tell me that everything happens in God’s time…But then I reflect upon how God works through people and maybe it’s my time to step up to the plate and TRY HARDER!

But I don’t know what to try harder at. Try harder at falling in love* with someone?

It’s so much work. It’s all: Hello, let’s be friends, let’s hang out, let’s interpret everything you say and do and figure out whether it indicates that you’re attracted to me, let’s not ask you whether you’re attracted to me, let’s give up on you because clearly I should know BY NOW whether you like me, let’s go back to you because maybe you’re just super shy and that’s not a bad thing, let’s keep evaluating all of our interactions like crazy, let’s continue to refer to my singular self as an “us” because you took no part in anything from hanging out onward that I know of.

…So then I go back to the whole – stop trying to fall in love and just be content with your life and try to be a good human being and simply love people, but then I don’t know how to simply love the people that I want to love me so much, so I end up ignoring them until I can’t anymore and then I send them messages asking them about their lives and then I wonder how on one hand I’m radio silence and on the other I’m desperate for communication and how it’s quite possible that I am the problem and I need to solve myself and not them.

So I’m waiting on the perfect version of me to appear, but that’s not happening in this lifetime, so I must simply strive towards perfection, and as anyone who has striven for that knows, IT IS TOUGH WORK!

It’s after midnight, my house is cold, I need to sleep and feel less lonely.

Sincerely,

Random person on the internet.

 

 

 

St. Jude, pray for us.

 

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

Failure to communicate

Some very lovely person nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award, and I was going to do all the rules and stuff that it required to get my very special award, but after spending a half hour working on the post, and the an additional two hours trying to find 15 other bloggers to nominate, I gave up with plans to finish it at a future date.

Since then I’ve been overwhelmed by life and I can’t go any longer without a post, so I’m breaking the promise I made to that nominator that whatever I posted next would be about that.

I can’t handle it.

Anyway, my life lately is its usual mix of problems, stressed by school, stressed by my general level of perceived failure, stressed by the dichotomy of being called to love my brothers and sisters in Christ and wanting to forget certain people ever existed…

First I was sick for a week, then I went out all weekend and enjoyed my life instead of staying inside and doing all of my homework for the next month so I wouldn’t feel so stressed, like I planned, and now another week of grad school has come upon me, and I haven’t even played ukulele for like, two weeks…which is too long.

So I just started composing another bitter song about a guy, and it’s the first time I’ve played my ukulele in at least a week, so life has been pretty difficult.

I might have a bitter song about a maladjusted male incapable of friendship breaking hearts just in time for Valentine’s day. Sweet.

Plus, it’s totally inspired by real life that is currently happening…Or texts messages just received in the last four hours, and a broken friendship that has been going on for far too long.

It’s also heavily biased, as all my songs are, possibly to the point of fictionalization…The feelings are real though. …HA. Feelings. So apt to change.

Anyway, I’m just frustrated by life, guys, school, my health, computer programs, the messy state of my room, aches, how I’m not attracted to the guys who are probably completely kindhearted gentlemen of Christ that I come across, and I have this stupid obsession with actually being attracted to a potential suitors, and how I could hardly define any guy I’ve ever had any communication with ever as a suitor, and how everything is just flippin’ annoying and I’m frustrated. (As a side note, typing “suitors” in yahoo search, which apparently is my internet browser’s go to search engine now :P, brings up Odysseus in regards to Penelope’s suitors…at least one thing is right with the world.)

Plus, I just did an online assignment, and I put like, 3 hours of work into this ridiculous thing, and when I went to post, the same post got posted twice, and I didn’t find out about it until a half hour after the assignment was due, and then I fixed it, but now I probably won’t even get the 1 stupid point that the assignment was worth, because I was too hasty to re-read what I posted a second time.

So yeah, and then, I’m frustrated about the guy who doesn’t communicate with me except to tell me that he wants to talk on the phone, and then when we do talk it’s all about his life and his plans, and I can’t tell him about me because whenever he asks I don’t want to tell him anything because I don’t trust him and I pretty much marked off this relationship friendship thing as merely an excuse for him to vent, and so far, he hasn’t seemed to notice, which makes me want to share even less, and I really should either just talk to him about it, or freeze him out entirely, and I am way too worn out, and don’t even want to deal with him or really have him in my life, because I see no good coming from it.

My life is doing a very great job of trying to be the death of me right now. I need more tea and less tears and more friends and less of these friend-zoned-not-even-a-friend people, and I need to get to a point in my life where I can get past the part where I’m overwhelmed by life and just handle it again. Maybe it’ll help if I stop saying “need” so much? Maybe it’ll help if I go off the grid, and the only people who can contact me are the people I see in person or my long-distance friends via e-mail? Maybe it’ll help if my best friend resurfaces on the face of the planet because she’s just disappeared for the last month and I would totally call her family if I had their number?

…The other day I just wanted to be abandoned at a Church so I could crumple in a ball in some corner, unnoticed and unusable, and just pray and cry and cry until God just tapped me on the shoulder and said “I love you, it’s okay, now here is how you do everything, and here’s the plan for what you need to do, I’m with you, let’s do it!” I also wanted to smash plates. I was angry and depressed and holding it all in and ridiculously laughing at the pain in my life, and at some point I cried.

I’m hurting dear sisters and brothers in Christ. I’m hurting fellow inhabitants of the world. I’m hurting and I don’t flippin’ know what to do, and I’m pretty sure the first step is communicate.

I talked to the family and they not know.

I need to talk to God.

I need to go on a retreat.

I haven’t time to go on a retreat.

I need to survive until the retreat.

I need to keep trudging, broken and wounded, and not even knowing why or how, until I can finally stop and heal.

Because life just keeps going and I’m being pulled along…OHMYGOSH, like a dead dog. (Chesterton. Everlasting Man*).

I have got to fight the stupid current. But if it was a current it would be easier…I might be fighting the current right now.

If you lost my train of thought, you can wait at the station, next thought is leaving in five….four….three…two…

I should probably just go to sleep, things are better in the morning. In the morning I think “Must survive this day, must survive this day, do A, B, and C, survive today and move on”, in the evening I think “Today was horrible, I don’t want to have to go through that again tomorrow, there has to be a better way, I am trapped in an endless circle of suffering through my days, Oh my Lord, really? Why are you doing this to me? Haven’t I suffered enough in my brief twenty-three years of life? Don’t I get a free pass to be happy now? Don’t I get sunshine and flowers and people showering me with love and money and the answers to all of my life problems? Don’t I get something!??? SOMETHING BESIDES THIS???? ” and then I cry, and my Mom tells me to go to bed, and then the next day it’s “Just get out of bed. Just do all the homework you have to do. Just eat something because otherwise your stomach hurts from hunger. Be nice to your niece. Do the rest of your homework. Try to dress warm for school. Go to school. Enjoy walking outside. Be intelligent in the classroom. Leave school….Start to dwell on the fact that you have more work and will simply repeat this process tomorrow and the next day and the next for the next year until you get a degree to go teach the stuff that you have been biting your tongue while learning.”

Yep, that’s my life.

I’m going to go make a list of what I enjoy now, and try to figure out how to make myself happier, because this has been incredibly depressing. I apologize. Especially because I ate ice cream today. A person with access to ice cream should not be allowed to complain as much as I do. But I do. Because ice cream can’t buy happiness.

And in case you were wondering, what Chesterton said was: “A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.”

-cdukulele

P.S. Please don’t be depressed because of me, I wish you only feelings of happiness and contentment, I in no way want my pain to impact your level of satisfaction with life. It’ll probably be okay. Eventually.

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What I type into my phone when I wake up in the middle of the night.

It’s hot.

I woke up at 2am. I got three hours of sleep. Dehydrated and hot.

It’s starting to be summery. It’s not even spring yet.
But the thought of summer makes me happy.
This will be my second summer since the surgery.
My left back thigh ached when I got up. A strong soreness. I exercised Friday though, so I guess it made sense.
Heat, summer, pain, and dehydration. Nostalgia for this old phone.
Future.

I went to the tutoring center today. Someone else got additional hours at their part time job, and so the center reconsidered me, and my lack of math skills, and finally called me up. I need to study some math now, to help out whoever I tutor.
It was a nice interview. I enjoyed just sitting, chatting with Mr. S, Sean is what I called him, but I don’t know if I’m supposed to. His office was hot, with two glass walls in the sun, and no air conditioning.
I had to wait in the chairs in the main office after my interview, for my Mom to pick me up. I spent the time sipping water, filing out tax forms, and talking to the receptionist / manager of everything, Teresa.

This is reminding me of THE STRANGER.
Great.
Maybe just the feeling I had while reading The Stranger, and The Moviegoer.
If they, Camus and Percy, wrote books, you’d think I could write one.
Write a book, make a cd, be a teacher..

I…don’t think John (guy I wrote that last poem about…) likes me. I keep hoping he’s just an awkward guy who appears disinterested…but I think he might actually be disinterested. Maybe I’m too needy.
I can’t tell if he’s being especially careful not to say anything that’ll give me the wrong impression about our friendship. Probably.
Because I feel like I openly flirt with him. He knows I was jealous of his scheduled singing time with Adam…the question is, did he guess I was jealous of the music, or jealous of the time spent with him?
I’m pretty sure it was both. I mean, I think I felt both.
He’s a talented, funny, attractive guy, who plays guitar, piano, drums, and ukulele. He can have his pick of any beautiful girl. Possibly a girl his age and not older.
Perhaps that’d be preferable. Preferable to me and our three year age gap.
He has options. So many options. He probably already dismissed me romantically from his head ages ago.
Why does he keep talking to me?
Do guys just do this?
They’re able to just talk to a woman and maintain a casual friendship, invite her to a party, chat, and just want nothing more?
Because I can’t.
Not so much, so privately.
Is it the digital age?
People younger than me are used to the impersonal, cold communication of a phone or website, not hearing another person’s voice, and so they don’t fall in love? They just treat it as normal? They don’t get crushes?
I tried it.
Freshman year of college I had only had facebook for three or four months, and then I started getting friend requests, from guys. Then, sometimes, I would chat with those guys on facebook. Only two specifically, Fred and Tom were really it, and they both wound up liking me. That’s probably why I think only guys who like me talk to me on facebook.
It was different then too though, because I went to school with those guys and could probably see them every day on campus if I wanted to, and I did seem to see them a lot, and they still sent me facebook messages.
John though, I only see once a week, if at all, and only really chat with on facebook that much.
Maybe it was more before…
I don’t know.
I’m supposedly going to a party tonight though.
He probably just invited me as a fellow artist.
That’s all I am.
Some cool chick with a good voice, a girl to play music with.

When I put up a poem about my unrequited love on my secret blog, and talked about my fear of risking my friendship to tell a guy I liked him, a reader told me to tell him. It wasn’t a big risk, and if he stopped being my friend merely because I was attracted to him, and wrote poems about it in my spare time…, then he wasn’t much of a friend in the first place. I didn’t know how to respond to her comment. Many hours later I responded with something vague about my cowardice, but how I would try to overcome it.
I haven’t blogged since.
It’s been three days.
I wonder if they know I’m hiding from them? And the revelation that I am, indeed, a coward, who is much more comfortable complaining about her unrequited love in a secret blog poem, than actually talking to someone in person and finding out whether they like me.

Sometimes I think my four years in an all girls high school stunted me emotionally, as far as relationships with the opposite sex go.

I’m sure that reader only vaguely cares, and isn’t waiting around for an update of my life ready to judge and hold me to the words of my last response. Probably.

My punk friend Jack just told me to chill. The highschool student who openly claims to be troubled, told me to “let things lie”, after I sent him three frantic facebook messages asking for love advice.
I suppose we could question the credibility of my advisers, how I’m torn between the advice of a complete stranger who’s part of three single women writing a blog about remaining single, and the advice of a hormonal teen boy who used to do drugs and now plays head bashing tunes about misery and failed relationships on his guitar, but they’re what I have to work with.
I mean, there’s also Mom, who thinks everybody is out to abuse and hurt her children, which may sometimes be true, but she’s become a bit one sided on the whole issue…
There’s my oldest brother Francis, who almost falls into the same category as Mom, except he just repeats the phrase “guys are stupid” all the time. Also a potentially valid point, but not exactly helpful.
Dad I don’t bother with my romantic issues, and lastly there’s my sister Patricia. And her fiancee.
They come as a set.

These two are convinced of John’s near undying love for me and spend every communication with me trying to draw us back to that topic.
I’m pretty convinced that they’re blinded by their own love and can only see the world as people waiting to be set up in the perfect little couples they’ve formed in their mind. If John really doesn’t like me, at least it will prove the oblivious lovebirds wrong. Maybe shatter their bubble a little. Make them stop before they sing songs about me and him sitting in trees, kissing.

It would almost be worth the rejection just to tell them they were absolutely wrong. I mean, I definitely appreciate their interest in my love life, to a certain extent, but they also made it impossible for me to believe myself when I said that he and I were just friends. They giggled and flitted around, raising their hands in response to their own repeated questions of, “Who likes John!?” And “Who thinks Catherine should date John!?”
So helpful.
It’s been a month. Patricia and Manuel left town, and now I’m psychoanalyzing every little thing John does, and trying to analyze my response. Too flirty? Not enough? Does he want me to go to the party, or does he just pity me?
The worst part is that I rather enjoy this uncertain limbo to a certain extent. Stupidly feeling like Elizabeth as described by her dad in Pride and Prejudice. Enjoying “being crossed in love a little now and then”. Turning my own real life issues into a game to amuse myself.
To pass the time until, until I have something figured out. Because my little love problems are merely diversions and distractions from the rest of my life.
From the gaping reality of my physical pain and lack of friendship and livelihood.
Compared to focusing on that, my unrequited unanswered love problems are a dream. An escape. I don’t want to risk losing that escape. I can’t risk that yet.
I’m not ready to let it go.

-cdukulele
(*names changed to maintain anonymity. More or less.)

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I hope.

I remember dancing down the hall
Happy as a clam, no cares at all.
I’d just finished the last exam of my college career,
I had passed it too, I had no fear
I danced, I skipped, Bible in hand,
Triumphantly leaving a Theology exam.
I remember smiling at passing faces,
triumphantly exclaiming the Lord’s praises,
for I had survived seventeen years of school,
from Kinder to college, proving I wasn’t a fool.
A few days later I walked across the stage,
received my diploma, it all passed in a haze.

Now I’m here, half a year later…
not even employed as a part-time waiter.
Educated, learned,
and still I haven’t earned
enough to start to pay
those loans I started that first day.

Woe is me.
Sad, no glee.
Look what an English Literature diploma has brought to me.

I had a plan. It involved more school.
But they were all full at the school I was going to apply to.
So I’ve waited. Had a temporary job.
Couldn’t work much, because sitting made my ankle throb.
Now time is passing, I’m unemployed again.
Writing and singing is what my joy’s in.
Friends across country. Family busy enough,
with life, and bills, and work, and stuff.

So it’s just me. Day after day. Planning and hoping…what I can’t say.
Try try try.
Sigh sigh sigh.
I need something to do.
Before I die.
Complicated mess.
Plans I can’t guess.
I’m moving to Florida.
Or Antarctica.
Or somewhere.
Anywhere.
Because maybe the problems are just here.
And they won’t follow me there.

I hope.

 

 

 

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Filed under All Poetry, General Poems

Nothing more.

Why
Do
You
Talk
To
Me?

Like…like why?
I am completely lost and puzzled and acting like a fool
And totally trying to play it cool,
But I can’t stand it anymore.
I can’t handle this unsettled score.
My cheeks burn and I toss and turn
At night
Because I just think about
You
And how much you confuse me,
And if that’s so then this can’t be healthy
Because you’re just thinking about being happy,
And I’m trying to figure out what makes you tick.
And then I get sick
And my cheeks burn
Because it’s harder to learn
Than to just be happy.
I play so many mind games and you have no clue,
Cuz you’re just being you,
And I’m just jig saw-puzzled in every direction.
I think I need some correction,
Will an illuminating path please shine?
Show the line
To follow
Because you swallow
Me whole
In all you do
I’m lost for you
And this can’t go on.
This. This. What is this?
Just talking.
But what are we?
Just friends.
But I want so much more that!
Just opening the door on friendship,
And I look for kinship,
                                   Marry me?
See!
I’ve gone crazy!
You must agree.
Agree and run away again
Like all the other boy-minded men
Because you’re playing with fire
Which you don’t even know,
Because THERE YOU GO,
Just talking to your friend.

Because that’s all I am to him.

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Filed under All Poetry, Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems