Tag Archives: hopes

ODR: A dramatic journal entry on the subject of loneliness and failed relationships. Plus a short poem!

It seems that the deeper I delve into the relationship sphere, the more painful everything becomes.

But loneliness is too, oh so painful.

Why do I got to want so much, and be happy with so little?

What am I looking for? Happiness?

It seems to have eluded me, like the fly zooming away just before the paper lands.

I’m lost trying to figure out whether I’m the failure, or all men are.

Poor men, all lumped into the one category, because of my inability to interact with them.

It’s not even that.

It’s just, it’s one after another…and the more I hurt, the more I shut down, and the closer they get, the more I give up.

Like, another failure reminds me of every past failure, and then I sink into thinking that I WILL BE ALONE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, and all my family will die before me, because I’m the youngest, and I will be miserable.

Oh, I know it’s not true. With my health, and my ginormous number of nieces and nephews, there’s little chance of me being the last one standing. Not that it’s a competition or anything. That’d be quite creepy…

But still, I keep wanting to…actually be in a relationship with someone now, and it keeps…not happening. Which is totally fine, it’s just becoming so burdening, being the friend that will always just be his friend, and slowly falling for him, and him always falling away.

I need a relationship with someone who is actually there.

Not there at some point, not there for a moment, not there when their visa goes through. I want someone who actually wants to be with me. Why can’t I find someone who actually wants to be with me…and who doesn’t do drugs?

Why do they say they’ll be there when they won’t?

Why do they say they love you when they don’t?

Why do they bother to even pretend they care?

Why, oh why, can’t they just be there?

 

 

-DramaticCatherine

…because love problems aren’t just for teenage girls.

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life., ODR: Old Drafts Revisited

Better in the Morning

Everything is better in the morning.

I’m pretty sure my dreams last night were about you

acting like you loved me and stuff,

and I’m sure that had no impact on me

waking up with hope

and cheerily,

after hitting snooze five times,

because those dreams were just too good to stop.

No impact at all.

It’s always hard for me to stop those dreams,

leave the comfort of my made up reality,

and face the world in which

you love me

but not as much as I hope,

never as much as I dream.

Either my heart forgot its aches in the night,

or I dreamed that you loved me,

either way, I’m somehow better in the morning.

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Filed under Love Poems

Family values

I want to get married and have babies and take care of them and love and protect them and raise them.

I totally will probably stop writing sappy love songs if I ever actually get into one of those relationships.

Something must be up with my hormones. They’re in the I want to be a mother mode.

It’s like when my sister turned twenty-something and started running around the house and updating facebook statuses with things like “I WANT BABIES”.

It’s crazy the things you’ll say. Except she was in that mode for a good three years, and I think she’s still in it, she’s just less vocal about it since she broke up with her fiancee…

Anyway, I’m also willing to adopt small humans or just volunteer to help them with homework. That works too.

I’m too poor and totally single to actually become a wife and mother right now.

It must have been that country singer at the concert last night. His little daughter came over to me before the show and started trying to strum my ukulele, and she was freakin’ adorable. Then he invited his wife to come up on stage and sing some songs with him, and it was beautiful.

I want that love, you know? I want that purpose and that commitment and responsibility to taking care of a life and sacrificing your own life for the good of others. Plus I’d get to hold precious children in my arms and love them.

I get to do that anyway, I mean, I always have the opportunity to love others and sacrifice for them, and with my number of nieces and nephews there are plenty of small children to love…But it’s different than actually having your own little family unit, and your own children, and your own house and people to take care of.

So yeah…I want my own family someday. Some little grouping of people who might think I’m crazy and whom I occasionally embarrass with my ukulele playing and stupid jokes, but who love me anyway, and who play ukulele too because I taught them when they were old enough to walk. …

Anyway, that was just my random want-to-be-a-mom rant. It might be a sign of my aging…I did just turn 24.

Happy Sunday.

-Cat

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Shots of Nyquil – A poem –

Shots of Nyquil help me sleep
Sleep I do, but not so deep
Stuck in memories that keep
me shifting, tossing covers.

I am sick but I’m not cold
Still so young but feel so old
Wishing for the path untold
With fear of never trying.

Now I move to make me whole
I’m on a path to keep my soul
trudging grandly, to pay the toll,
a future still in question.

Oh to sing, it would be grand
for them to hear and understand
to look and see and give a hand,
a future that I dream of.

But on I march and quite unsure,
On I march, for I am her,
Steadily working without lure
toward the future I have chosen.

This is my life, or so it seems
This is my life, not stuff of dreams
This is my life, and all it brings
I hope will be enough.

Shots of Nyquil help me sleep
Sleep I do, but not so deep
Tossing covers do not keep
Me warm, but I’m not cold.

Dreaming of the life I’d lead
If I wasn’t drawn by need
To pay for bill, loan, or deed,
Oh what a life in question.

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Filed under General Poems

NO MORE!

I deleted the other online dating account too! Right after I stalked the profile of someone who viewed my profile.

It’s all so creepy. I mean, maybe it’s not creepy for most people, but it just encourages my more stalkerish tendencies.

I mean, I already write love songs about guys, I don’t have to learn everything I know about them on the internet too…

Also, I think I have a tendency to over share with people when I write things.

When I speak I keep my words to a minimum. I don’t like talking. I sometimes trip over words. I talk really fast. I don’t say a lot. I think about what I say for long periods before I say it, and often I think about saying something for so long that sometimes I think I’ve said something aloud that I’ve only thought over in my mind again and again. I’m strange.

With writing, however, I say one thing, and then I figure I can say something else, and I kind of just…don’t stop.

But this is mostly just the case around new people and guys I have crushes on. I don’t talk to you in person, and then I chat up a storm on the internet.

I’m a nerd.

So, I deleted every online dating account. All two of them. Gone forever. Except I can reactivate them or create new ones with the click of a button and a cleverly worded introduction. But I’m not. NO. Totally not happening.

I will maintain control…and I will talk to people in person. Work on my people skills. Work on talking to the guys I like in person.

It will happen.

And someday…in the future…I will write a post, and it will contain something sane and happy about a relationship, and the relationship will consist of more than my hopes and dreams and will include a guy who I actually like who actually likes me, and some note about us spending quality time together and not solely communicating via technology…That may sound like a lot of qualifiers, but it WILL HAPPEN! Someday.

-cdukulele

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