Tag Archives: hope

Fear

I am afraid of my bones

betraying me

when I need them most

dragging me down

so I’m barely a ghost

unable to move

because they are rock

choking me

so I can’t see, hear, or talk.

I am afraid of my future

the world unknown,

what will happen when

I’m older but not much more grown,

when it’s time to be ready

and I’m not ready in time

I’m afraid of the future, I’m afraid of dying.

I’m afraid of failure,

I’m afraid of breaking,

I’m afraid of missing out by chances not taking,

I’m afraid of loneliness,

I’m afraid of greed,

I’m afraid of not having all that I’ll need.

I’m afraid of myself – not being enough,

taking the parts and not having the stuff

to make it through to be the best I can be,

I’m afraid of myself, failing me.

I am afraid

and it makes me cry, makes me huddle together, rock back and forth, sigh.

It makes me stare into space and question my plans, makes me shiver and fumble and squeeze my hands.

I am afraid

and it makes me weak. Makes me tired of listening and not willing to speak. Makes me want to give up, stop trying, not go on – makes me crumble and tumble headlong, from minute to minute, day to day, lost in the current of not being okay, insecure, unwise, alone, and unmade, fearing that no one will come to my aide, wanting someone to tell me to not be afraid.

I pause and reflect, my memories recollect, the answer I’ve heard, sung word by word…”Be not afraid, I go before you always, come follow me, and I will give you rest”.

 

My heart calms, I still have qualms, but they’re soothed by psalms, and with a belief that the ONE loves me… perhaps I can be free.

 

 

 

 

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Moving On…

So, it’s Sunday, I’ve had a relaxing day – I slept in, had a mocha, enjoyed a satisfying if not particularly healthy breakfast, and I blocked my ex on social media.

Not because I hate him, I don’t hate him, but because I kept seeing his name pop up and it would stab me in the heart a little bit, and I do not need to be able to stalk my ex on the internet.

Sometimes it’s necessary to cut someone out of your life entirely so that you can both heal, grow, and move on.

I want that for us. I want us to be healthy and mature apart from each other.

And it just hurts too much right now to have him be so inaccessibly accessible in my life.

In other news, the rest of my life is going okay. There are definitely hurdles, everyone has problems…but I actually got a full night of sleep last night, and I think I might be able to do something good with my life and maybe live for others a bit.

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well, and that you have the strength when you need it to make the decisions that will help you be the best version of yourself that you can be…Even if the decision seems as trite as not having access to a certain person on social media.

 

Love and prayers for you all, dear readers.

Happy almost All Saints Day.

-Cdukulele

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Filed under Cdukulele's life., Cdukulele's love life.

Fireworks and distractions

Happy July 4th, I love America.

 

Now that I’ve displayed patriotism, I shall talk about other things. Or maybe this day of independence celebrated by exploding things connects to what I’m about to say – because a lot of people drink beer and then light explosives off that are inches from their fingertips on July 4th, and they lose fingers, and I just put some board games away while cleaning and suddenly my finger is in agony and I can’t bend it. I hurt my finger. That’s how it relates. I didn’t blow my finger off with a firework – but I did hurt it… putting away a game.

As I type this out with one hand and contemplate how frequently and easily I hurt myself, and the fact that my foot still throbs because it’s probably broken too, and I woke up this morning with legs cramping and a body saying – Catherine, I hate you, we hate the world, roll back over and go to sleep, I wonder at what point I’ll have to inform the people I love of my injuries. I don’t like informing people of my pain, their reactions are usually very pitying, and pestering, and involve things like telling me to go to the hospital…and asking me things like why I haven’t been to the hospital yet…

So, I made a doctor’s appointment online for a week and a day from now, and I’ll just ward off their comments until then by masking my pain as exhaustion and anti-social behavior… Except I recently wound up with a boyfriend and he really likes to hold my hand, and he might notice me wincing in pain…or take anti-social behavior personally.

I was wondering the first two weeks of this relationship whether dating him was a good idea, because he seemed to like me so much, and I seemed just about perfect and flawless in his eyes, while he’s a normal human being – but now I remember that I’m secretly bound to fall apart at any moment, and him being able to accept that would be a miracle in itself and that – followed with his continued attempts to actually love me and will my good, would pretty much mean I should marry him…

I’m getting ahead of myself though.

Right now all I know is I’m in pain and it sucks, and I don’t wanna let anyone know because then I get treated like an invalid, except by the doctors who are just like “Yep, you broke something, here’s another cast!”, and then send me out the office because all I am is another patient. So then it’s me, in a cast, facing the pitiful faces of those I love and attempting to make them think everything is fine so that they’ll let me continue to live a semblance of a normal life.

Well, it’s a normal life for me…breaking bones.

I’m probably fine, but I needed to vent.

Pray for me dear readers. Prayers work miracles. In fact, thanks for your prayers for my friend with cancer – all her tumors disappeared. Praise be to God!

He’s the reason for my hope, my joy, and also why I don’t like making a huge deal when I hurt myself, because it always gets better.

 

I do need to go to the doctor though.

Okay, bye!

-Catherine

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Sad tea-cups

…are those with almond milk in them instead of real milk.

Also, 5 minutes after posting my update about my friend with cancer having a smaller tumor, I got a text from her asking me to pray for her because she was in the worst pain yet. At two am, after I’d gotten two hours of sleep and inexplicably woke up, she contacted me again and we talked and she seemed to be better. I then stayed up til some crazy hour, and then woke up and had a fairly pleasant day. Knowing your friend is not as bad off as she was right before you went to bed that night has a way of making days better.

In other totally non-consequential news:

I might have gone on two dates with two different guys in the last two weeks, but nobody ever calls anything a date anymore so I really have no idea, but I kind of think one of the guys almost tried to kiss me judging by the strange pause at the end of the night just after we arrived at my car and took out my keys to leave. That would definitely put the second hang out in the “date” category, but the pause could have also simply been awkwardness. Who knows? I definitely don’t.
When you don’t go around kissing people you have no idea when you are in a kissing-people situation or not.

That’s my life.

P.S. Continued prayers for my friend are appreciated. Prayers for all totally confused young people who don’t know if they are on dates or not are also appreciated.

P.P.S. I have no idea how to balance talking about my feelings about my friend with cancer with my feelings about the rest of my life, as they are completely different segments of my life. However, the way life works is that everything just kinda gets shoved together and it is your life, and sometimes, 60-70 years later, you look back on it and maybe you see patterns, and then you write nice little uniform books about the experiences, or maybe sell the movie rights or whatever…But that doesn’t happen in the middle of the experience, when everything is happening at once and you don’t know what’s important and what’s not besides what you think about it in the moment. It is from this disjointed reality that my blog posts are born. In fifty to sixty years maybe I’ll write a book. For now you get the mess to make sense or nonsense of all on your own. Have fun!

 

 

 

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Putting things in Perspective

Life is good.

I’m working on the developing meaningful friendships with people of the opposite sex, and everyone really, and not being so obsessive.

I’m working really slowly, but I’m working on it.

I’m kind of critical of myself and paranoid about what others think of me sometimes. I think that a lot of what they do or don’t do is directly related to some fault of mine. I should stop thinking that way. It’s not healthy, because I can really only control myself and I probably have very little negative influence on these people, if any at all, and if it is there, then it’s probably nothing I can control.

But I tend to think I can control it, and want to control it, because I want to be accepted and approved of.

I don’t know why.

Maybe it’s because I feel so dependent upon others and so unable to really take care of myself, like without people I would be very badly off, and so I want them to approve of me and like me so that I feel safe and secure, because I don’t trust me to take care of me.

And I don’t trust me to take care of me because physically my body still can’t handle as much as a “healthy” person (or so I think), and mentally I’m afraid of something breaking or going wrong and being completely dependent upon others again, especially because the need for neurosurgery came out of nowhere, the neck breaking happened just as I was getting better, and I’m still not confident I’m completely recovered / I expect something else to go wrong.

But nothing should go wrong.

But something could go wrong.

So I obsess about finding people to support and take care of me as insurance against the possibility that I will be helpless and alone.

But life is going good…because…I’m finding people I think I can depend on? People who tell me to stop thinking so negatively. People who give me a slightly more positive outlook, not only in the realm of having people to depend on, but in the realm of actually being able to take care of myself at some point, and that everything will be okay.

Life is good because there are people in my life reminding me that it can be good. Reminding me that I should have a little faith, I can have a little faith.

That it will be okay.

That I’ll get through it, and I won’t be alone, and that I will be able to take care of myself.

Then again I could be struck by lightening tomorrow. That’d be bad…But that’d also be incredibly unlikely, as most of the negative things I dwell on probably are, so I should focus again on trusting in God and trusting in him working through me.

And that is how my mind works, think of something small, go to the extreme of blowing it out of proportion, go back to seeing it in the correct view, calm down.

It will be okay, and it is okay.

Peace and love to you.

 

 

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Poem: Wading through thorns.

“I appreciate you” I say pointlessly, while my hormones are raging, and I allow them to force me to speak this momentarily overwhelming stupid thought, that is half honesty, out of an attempt to make you communicate something more toward me. Communicate. With me.

Heart pounding and I see you smile and just want to wrap my arms around you, wrap your arms around me, be warm and soft and held tight like you love me.

Cursing these hormones and these thoughts and hopes that are built on short bouts of laughter and glances from your dark, beautiful eyes.

You stare a lot, and I don’t know what you communicate, but you set my heart on fire and it won’t seem to go out.

Glances and smiles with those beautiful eyes and beautiful cheeks and beautiful teeth gleaming white, perfectly set in a smiling mouth.

You are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are attractive and every physical part of me wants to be closer to you, and I’m at war with myself, mind over matter, because the matter is trying to take over and I’m starting to lose my mind.

I don’t want to lose my mind.

Because mentally, oh beautifully attractive one, mentally I know it is not time. Mentally, oh captivating heartthrob, causer of my heartbeats and blackouts of mind, mentally, I know that this is more overwhelming infatuation than love. This is more biological than rational, this is more instinct than instance, this is more me wanting to be loved than me loving, and I can’t have that.

I can’t have this.

I repel that desire for objectification, no matter the momentary elation of that satiation of desire, I repel that instant gratification, that short term duration of feeling, built on matter fleeting, of feeding that burning fire
that burns without purpose except to excite, that burns with heat but gives no great light, that burns to consume and exhaust and deplete, I reject that sterile and empty feat.
I reject the unwholesome consumption of you, crumbling your beauty not loving you through, I reject that notion that hearts can’t be tamed, that we can go on and on and not be blamed, I reject this notion, this desire to obtain, I reject these thoughts that leave love lame, I reject the dampening of Purity’s gleam, ruining her waters, defiling a stream of love, of goodness, of truth and joy, of happiness and beauty and all we employ when deeply and truly loving each other, I reject the bad and will accept no other love – except a love that is true, a love that loves every aspect of you.

I will fight for the truth and a heart that embraces
you and every single one of your faces,
you when you’re broken and you when you’re down,
you when you’re silent and when you make no sound,
you when you’re shouting and singing for joy,
you when you’re manly, or when you feel like a boy,
you when you need me and you when you don’t,
you when you help me and you when you won’t,
to love you despite, in addition, and because,
to love you for reasons that were, are, and was,
I will fight for a love that embraces all things that make you more holy and through which God brings us closer to him and to each other, deeper in love with him and one another.

I will fight for the Love he provides with no mercy.
I will fight for the Love he provides til I’m worthy
to have you, to hold you, to love you, a man,
I will fight to love you and try til I can.

You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and once that beauty was all I could see, blinded by the gift of sight, couldn’t see the soul surrounded in light. You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and I will try to love that beauty, love and respect and pray for and wait, and melt the lust that’s hiding self-hate. You are beautiful, you reflect perfection, and I will wait until God points me in the right direction. You are beautiful and my heart reaches for you, but it will stay still until I ever say “I do”.

Thank you Lord, for the beauty in the world, and please protect the heart of this awestruck girl.

AMEN.

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems

Pray and Love.

I haven’t posted for ten days, and my last post was on such a deep important issue that it’s hard for me to go back to the unimportant basics of my day.

It’s not hard for my mind to wander back to thinking about myself and my own problems, my own self-love and lack of superior concentration had me doing that within several minutes of composing that post…But thinking about it and writing about it are two different things. What justice is there in me talking about myself and my problems when there is so much suffering in the world? What justice is there in me writing about anything but that which is most important?

There may not be any justice in it…Unfortunately, I am not skilled and I am not perfect and I am not that dedicated. There are people who devote their time and their lives to writing about only important issues in the world, and philsophies, and such…and I…I am not one of them.

Sometimes I dabble…Like we all do…But it’s easy to throw in your two cents, a lot harder to dedicate a dollar.

I don’t know if I even have a dollar.

My thoughts on the issue so far…I’m not knowledgeable enough on the topic to give my thoughts.

I don’t want to give my thoughts.

I’m in this blog to vent and run away from my problems.

Not contemplate serious issues.

But now I’ve already thrown out my thoughts on a serious issue and it seems hard to walk away from.

I believe in God. I pray for Paris. I want people to love and take care of people, and I want people to be safe and protected.

I want life and love to be given a chance.

Speaking of which, babies are cute, and also, they are tiny humans.

Fetuses may not be as cute, but they are still tiny humans.

Zygotes may not have terms of endearment attached to them, but again, they are their own little humans. Unless it’s like a sheep zygote, in which case it’s a tiny sheep. At any rate, a zygote is the cell formed when two gametes/sex cells meet, and has it’s own tiny set of DNA making it it’s own unique self which has never existed and will never exist again. It’s entirely unique.

Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t mean it’s not important.

Just because they haven’t been born yet/don’t look like what you think a human should look like, doesn’t mean they aren’t valuable.

And there ends my post.

Love everyone, including the human zygotes.

 

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