Tag Archives: help

Fear

I am afraid of my bones

betraying me

when I need them most

dragging me down

so I’m barely a ghost

unable to move

because they are rock

choking me

so I can’t see, hear, or talk.

I am afraid of my future

the world unknown,

what will happen when

I’m older but not much more grown,

when it’s time to be ready

and I’m not ready in time

I’m afraid of the future, I’m afraid of dying.

I’m afraid of failure,

I’m afraid of breaking,

I’m afraid of missing out by chances not taking,

I’m afraid of loneliness,

I’m afraid of greed,

I’m afraid of not having all that I’ll need.

I’m afraid of myself – not being enough,

taking the parts and not having the stuff

to make it through to be the best I can be,

I’m afraid of myself, failing me.

I am afraid

and it makes me cry, makes me huddle together, rock back and forth, sigh.

It makes me stare into space and question my plans, makes me shiver and fumble and squeeze my hands.

I am afraid

and it makes me weak. Makes me tired of listening and not willing to speak. Makes me want to give up, stop trying, not go on – makes me crumble and tumble headlong, from minute to minute, day to day, lost in the current of not being okay, insecure, unwise, alone, and unmade, fearing that no one will come to my aide, wanting someone to tell me to not be afraid.

I pause and reflect, my memories recollect, the answer I’ve heard, sung word by word…”Be not afraid, I go before you always, come follow me, and I will give you rest”.

 

My heart calms, I still have qualms, but they’re soothed by psalms, and with a belief that the ONE loves me… perhaps I can be free.

 

 

 

 

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Filed under General Poems

ADVICE

I don’t know where I’m going, I do know where I’ve been, perhaps glancing at the past will tell me what I should be living.

I went to school for years, I listened and was smart. I liked learning about everything, I enjoyed it in my heart.

Now I’m done with school, the school I had planned on for sure, now I don’t know where I’m going anymore.

THIS IS ANNOYING.

So, help me, help me, help me if you can see

the answer to the riddle of what exactly I should be.

I know, it’s stupid, irresponsible, and inane, to ask life plans from random people, that’s not even quite sane.

BUT I DON’T KNOW.

So Go!

Tell me.

But if you tell me jerky things like, go climb a tree, I will be very mad.

And you will never see my beet poem.

That’s right.

I’ll write a poem about a beet and then never show it to you.

IT WILL BE ALL PART OF MY VINDICTIVE GAME AGAINST YOU!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHA!

HA.

—–

…What type of life fits best with someone who enjoys writing, reading, thinking and drinking tea? Surely there’s someone who pays for that. I’d also prefer to avoid fellow workers as much as possible. I’d like to work alone, and solely interact with customers. But happy customers who will love me. I think I want to be a barista. According to my cousin and brother I want to be a hobo. That was after I told them that I wanted to work in a coffee shop or play my ukulele outside and just put a hat in front of me and collect change.
My parents may not support that use of my college degree.But it would only be temporary.
Until one of my crushes realizes that he’s in love with me too and wants to marry me and pay all of my student loans.
Yep. That’s my current life plan.
Find a way to survive until I ensnare some guy.

I am greatly in favor of the old way of life. Where the guy took care of the girl and paid for everything, and she could stay at home and take care of the house and the kids.
I mean, yeah, taking care of kids is WORK, but at least my fellow employee would be someone who loved me and would let me take naps or forgive me if all we had for dinner was tortillas and cheese. And I really like baking. Like cookies, and muffins.
Like, I enjoy housework, and if I had my own house I would probably enjoy it even more.

Seriously, there’s a certain satisfaction that comes from preparing a space and making it look beautiful and homey, so that people feel loved and welcome when they come.

But I probably need to get a job. Because the idea of me scoping out potential guys to marry and take care of me creeps me out. In fact, reading that all back to me, my idealized ideas of being a housewife and homemaker kind of freak me out.
Perhaps that’s because I’m twenty two and only had one boyfriend once for three days.
That’s probably why.
Oh yeah, I’m so never getting married.
I was afraid of commitment before the relationship even lasted a week. Yay.

Okay, well, don’t hold these random scattered thoughts and craziness against me, future reader, and like, if you have any brilliant, non-sarcastic ideas, feel free to share them. Or just say nothing. Because I’ve noticed that seems to be the trend around my blog, very quiet readers.

– cdukulele

P.S. My back up plans include being a teacher. Hobo is still an option though.

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Filed under Various writing