Tag Archives: heartache

What I want.

Can you please love me?

After so many years of blog posts and poems and songs and conversations, I figured out what it is I really want:

I want you to look at me, sit with me, listen to me, talk to me, hear me, and tell me that

it’s okay, you love me, you’re there for me, and you understand.

I want to know that no matter what I’m going through or what problem I’m dealing with, you’ll be there with me.

You won’t ever give up.

Won’t ever walk away. Won’t get worn out and tired of me because I’m depressing to be around.

Won’t do to me what I’ve done to so many people, won’t reach your limit of my problems and throw me away, because I’m not worth it.

Because the good isn’t worth the bad.

I just want you to love me. Unconditionally…so that I can stop locking it all up. So that I can stop holding it all in. So that I can stop only being the part of me that I think you can handle, one sliver of me at a time.

I just want to be fully me. Fully miserable when I’m miserable, fully happy when I’m happy.

Accept all my sorrow so that I know you’ll accept all my joy.

I don’t even know if I think it’s possible.

I …don’t think it’s possible for someone to love me in that way.

All my life has been a series of lessons teaching me that the only one who can really complete me is God, and that no one can be for me like he is.

And so I don’t see how you could possibly love me and accept me fully, because I don’t know if I would even love and accept me fully.

I don’t even know if someone exists who would love and accept every part of me and tell me that they’re never giving up on me.

I don’t know if it’s too much to ask of someone.

To just choose you, and stick by you, no matter what you go through…

That’s what I want…because it hurts so much when they give up.

And if the only one who can do that is God, then I don’t know…I don’t know what I’d want to even try to be with you for.

Because why attempt at joy when I know you can never fully give it. Why attempt at love when I know yours is only a shallow imitation. Is the shallow imitation enough?

I don’t know.

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

Maybe I shouldn’t have done that…

I stayed up until 5am reading the old messages between me and that guy I really really had a huge crush on, who I named John (for anonymity).

I mean, I really wouldn’t have done that, except I couldn’t sleep…and my leg started cramping, and I just kept rolling around in my bed and thinking.

So then I went on my phone and just read stuff.

Checked my religious based dating account.

Saw that I had a new message.

Took an interview.

Began to miss John because I feel like I’m not worthy of the guys who like me on that site.

Then I went to the messages…and I read them…for two hours.

It took two hours to read through our entire friendship from the last month and a half.

It made me laugh, and at the end, it made me think that maybe things were okay.

I sounded like half a normal person through our entire communication, even after I told him I liked him, and we seemed like friends.

It was friendly conversation.

Perhaps I stepped over the line by reading the entire history of our conversations together on my phone in one night…But the only ones who know I did that are You and me. …And I won’t do it again….

EVIL CAT OF DEATH IS OUTSIDE MY HOUSE! HISSING AT MY CAT THROUGH THE GLASS DOOR! NOOOOOOO!!!!

Bully cat. Sorry, had to go take care of that.

But I guess I should probably go now. Now that I’ve admitted to you all what a creeper I am.

I also totally just sent him a message.

Gah.

Goodbye my readers. I’ll speak to you again soon. Maybe we can discuss how I don’t think I’m worthy of all the guys on the dating site I’m on because they want to get married and have bundles of children and I don’t know if I can have kids.

At least with John…with “secular” (please don’t be offended by the term, I literally mean people who aren’t religious, is that even an offensive term?) people, with guys…I don’t feel like I’ve failed them automatically by being a girl with a rare disease and crazy bones who is afraid of having kids and doesn’t know whether she can have them. Which is kind of ridiculous. Why would it be better for me to date a guy who’s just after my body than a guy who wants to start a family?

…I don’t even know.

Some people tell me I think too much.

But some things you can’t help but think about.

I don’t like this continuous feeling of failure in respects to all things romance related. Even just friendship related.

I should go on  a retreat.

Something.

Something.

Okay, bye.

– cdukulele

 

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Regrets

How blatantly can I compliment you?

Apparently pretty blatantly.

You don’t seem to notice.

That’s nice.

My little heart will just try to go on.

It’s painful not being with, not communicating with, you.

Why is that painful?

It shouldn’t be painful.

I wish I could just…just say something.

Something obvious.

Something to get you to say something.

But I won’t.

Now I’ve lost that chance forever.

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