Tag Archives: healing


While doing arm stretches on a foam roller I slid off the roller entirely and slammed my right hip into the linoleum floor…It’s been 13 hours since then, and I’m just now noticing a dull ache.

Hopefully that’s a good sign, that I went so long without noticing the pain…Hopefully.

I feel old. So old.

There’s a benefit to having old person bones and illnesses though, right?

Chronic illnesses are totally like, cool…Hipster with the broken hip at 25, right?

I don’t want any more broken bones.

Gaaaah. If this holds up then I’m definitely going to be a community college professor in the U.S. for the rest of my life and never go to Spain…Unable to leave the country because nobody wants to give health insurance and travel visas to a chick who breaks bones so frequently.

I’m sure I’m fine.

It’s not broken.

Of course I didn’t think my hip, toes, or neck were broken last several times I broke things either.

The bones have a sneaky way of being in pain and making you think that it’s just arthritis. It’s probably just sore from the slight fall and then walking around all day. Totally.


I have way too much to do to break another hip. No puedo hacer esto.

Alright, if it’s not better in 24 hours I’ll contact doctors.

Ibuprofen in the mean time.

Peace out.


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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Moving On…

So, it’s Sunday, I’ve had a relaxing day – I slept in, had a mocha, enjoyed a satisfying if not particularly healthy breakfast, and I blocked my ex on social media.

Not because I hate him, I don’t hate him, but because I kept seeing his name pop up and it would stab me in the heart a little bit, and I do not need to be able to stalk my ex on the internet.

Sometimes it’s necessary to cut someone out of your life entirely so that you can both heal, grow, and move on.

I want that for us. I want us to be healthy and mature apart from each other.

And it just hurts too much right now to have him be so inaccessibly accessible in my life.

In other news, the rest of my life is going okay. There are definitely hurdles, everyone has problems…but I actually got a full night of sleep last night, and I think I might be able to do something good with my life and maybe live for others a bit.

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well, and that you have the strength when you need it to make the decisions that will help you be the best version of yourself that you can be…Even if the decision seems as trite as not having access to a certain person on social media.


Love and prayers for you all, dear readers.

Happy almost All Saints Day.


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Fireworks and distractions

Happy July 4th, I love America.


Now that I’ve displayed patriotism, I shall talk about other things. Or maybe this day of independence celebrated by exploding things connects to what I’m about to say – because a lot of people drink beer and then light explosives off that are inches from their fingertips on July 4th, and they lose fingers, and I just put some board games away while cleaning and suddenly my finger is in agony and I can’t bend it. I hurt my finger. That’s how it relates. I didn’t blow my finger off with a firework – but I did hurt it… putting away a game.

As I type this out with one hand and contemplate how frequently and easily I hurt myself, and the fact that my foot still throbs because it’s probably broken too, and I woke up this morning with legs cramping and a body saying – Catherine, I hate you, we hate the world, roll back over and go to sleep, I wonder at what point I’ll have to inform the people I love of my injuries. I don’t like informing people of my pain, their reactions are usually very pitying, and pestering, and involve things like telling me to go to the hospital…and asking me things like why I haven’t been to the hospital yet…

So, I made a doctor’s appointment online for a week and a day from now, and I’ll just ward off their comments until then by masking my pain as exhaustion and anti-social behavior… Except I recently wound up with a boyfriend and he really likes to hold my hand, and he might notice me wincing in pain…or take anti-social behavior personally.

I was wondering the first two weeks of this relationship whether dating him was a good idea, because he seemed to like me so much, and I seemed just about perfect and flawless in his eyes, while he’s a normal human being – but now I remember that I’m secretly bound to fall apart at any moment, and him being able to accept that would be a miracle in itself and that – followed with his continued attempts to actually love me and will my good, would pretty much mean I should marry him…

I’m getting ahead of myself though.

Right now all I know is I’m in pain and it sucks, and I don’t wanna let anyone know because then I get treated like an invalid, except by the doctors who are just like “Yep, you broke something, here’s another cast!”, and then send me out the office because all I am is another patient. So then it’s me, in a cast, facing the pitiful faces of those I love and attempting to make them think everything is fine so that they’ll let me continue to live a semblance of a normal life.

Well, it’s a normal life for me…breaking bones.

I’m probably fine, but I needed to vent.

Pray for me dear readers. Prayers work miracles. In fact, thanks for your prayers for my friend with cancer – all her tumors disappeared. Praise be to God!

He’s the reason for my hope, my joy, and also why I don’t like making a huge deal when I hurt myself, because it always gets better.


I do need to go to the doctor though.

Okay, bye!




Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Coaxing my friend through Cancer

Our code word is hippopotamus.

That’s what she’s supposed to say when I’ve made one too many jokes about a rocky relationship or generally used my sense of humor to get over something serious in a non-serious way and accidentally erred on the side of injury.

She laughed out loud and asked if we could change it to platypus, because hippopotamus was much too difficult to say without laughing.

I told her that was half the point, and refused her request, then I added a note saying “code word: hippopotamus” to the word document I was keeping notes about our conversation in.

I didn’t realize how much I missed her until I saw her on the skype window, chatting away, laughing at my jokes, making the same familiar facial expressions, staring at me blankly when I said something stupid or made another joke that she didn’t think merited a laugh.

I miss her.

I miss her and I don’t want to let her go.

It’s selfish really, but I let her know that, the first half only, the missing. That part works out well for me though, because I’m going to go visit her in a week, so…pretty soon I’ll get to see her again…but then.

She doesn’t seem to concerned with it. We talked about the five stages of grief, and she’s floating somewhere between denial and all the other stages. We got to stage three, anger, and it talked about how the stages don’t really occupy a certain time, and you can just go from the last to the first and second and whatnot without any explanation, from one second to the next. Then we read stage four with depression, and it acted like this step was incredibly necessary, and it totally cancelled out the final comments for stage three that acted like you could bounce between the stages.

But, aside from the stages of grief discussion, most of our talk was about her boyfriend, and whether or not he was going through these stages, and how to fix their relationship.

I don’t know how to fix the relationship, and I don’t know how to fix the cancer. Neither of those are things anybody can fix really, they are both outside of my control, and outside of her control, as far as I can tell.

And so…all we really did was talk for two hours and it reminded me that my friend is dying and she is good and I love her and I miss her and I don’t want to lose someone close to me. But that’s selfish. But I let her know I loved her, because telling someone that is not selfish – not in this case. But not wanting to lose someone, is selfish, compared to not wanting to be lost.

And all she seems to care about is not losing somebody else.

So I’m praying for her healing and for her relationship, which to me is hardly as important as her simply staying alive, but still…I’m praying for both, and I’m trying to be there for my friend who is so many miles away.

And now I’m sharing this here for the other people who know people suffering from, fighting, living with cancer, and because…writing is what I do.

Thanks for your prayers.









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Tea date.

“How’s life?”

I’m freaked out that I’m gonna suddenly become a blind mute because of my bone disease that is super rare and I didn’t tell you about, but I probably shouldn’t be freaking out about because I’ve done pretty well so far, and I can’t remember anyone ever saying that such horrible scenarios were likely, but I stayed up til 1am looking up potential effects of my disease, and then I joined an online support group to talk to the 1 other person on the internet that I found with my condition, and like, I’m super stressed about that. Not to mention the burden of grad school and my friend with cancer….

“Oh it’s fine. How’s your life?”


Surprisingly, things didn’t go super badly after this brief, half truth I gave him in response to his question. We’re both introverts and so my lack of detailed response could have been viewed as simply that awkwardness that you still have when getting to know someone.

We spent the rest of our date (??? He paid for my Chai tea …does that make it a date?) staring at empty cups, each other, and the walls, and then speaking when sitting in silence lost its glamour.

We have the introvert thing down: You think a million thoughts, and then you choose the best one to say out loud, then you spend a good ten seconds hoping the other person will say something first.

After an immense amount of time hanging out in the coffee shop and attempting to converse, he drove me home and gave me a hug goodbye.

It’s going rather slowly…our conversations, our text messages, the rate at which we drank our drinks in the coffee shop, because if you’re not drinking something you have to be talking and that is just, so hard….but, it’s good.

I usually fall for people really fast and he’s kinda forcing me to think before I write five page poems about how obsessed I am with him. Like, he’s cute, he’s nice, he likes me, and I’m not obsessed. Things are just patiently taking their time. We’re developing a friendship. It’s good. Friendships help you talk to people more openly and tell them about things like…bone diseases…and your deepest fears. But there’s no reason to just, relay that part of yourself to someone on a first date. Or all of it.

Slow and steady wins the race, right?

I mean:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

So, I’m just making sure we got the first part down…There’s always time for the rest.

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Good job prayer warriors!


I thought she had just swirled into a pool of depression and wasn’t talking to me because I kept mentioning surgery in my texts, but apparently she just hadn’t seen my texts, and she came back from Rome with one less tumor!!

It is fantastic news.

I have to talk to her soon to find out more details and to see what she is doing about the other tumors that haven’t miraculously disappeared. I really hope she does something.

BUT 1 TUMOR GONE!!!! Thank you for all your prayers and love! Keep it up!

And to add to the happiness, I just went out with a guy I met at Church last week. We exchanged numbers and chatted and he kept complimenting me, and then I was all, “dude, why you compliment me so much?” And he was all, “I’m just being sincere,” and I was all “dude I can’t read sincerity in a text”, and he was all, “I get you”, and then it was all, “We should hang out in real life”, and then we totally made plans and I wrote a blog post about it. And we just went out and it was nice. 🙂

So my close friend might not die in the near future, and I went on my second date ever.
Life is going well.





Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Life goes on…

I haven’t talked to the friend that I wrote about in my last post for a while…It’s only been a couple days but it feels like a while. Your mind can so easily switch from one mode to another and you can sometimes forget about something entirely depending on who you’re with.

I went to a movie with one of my local friends tonight, and the previews started running. After one for a comedy there was one with Drew Barrymore and a British lady (I’m sorry, I’ve seen more Drew Barrymore films and I don’t recall the other actress’s name), and the whole concept of the film was that they were best friends and then one of them got cancer. It was a slightly unreal moment for me. I was just sitting there thinking, how did they know that my friend has cancer? …Of course, it was only a preview for a film, and in the film the lady with cancer is in her forties, and has two children, and is getting chemotherapy and explaining it to her kids, and anyway, what they show in the two minute preview is your basic: I have cancer, I’m going to fight it, we will get through this, but if we don’t it’s okay, that’s life, movie. …Is that a basic type of movie? I mean, it was an upbeat film. According to the two minute preview I saw.

Basically, she was fighting for her life…and I just remembered my friend…and she…she is praying.

Praying can be fighting. Prayer warriors exist. God is there.

It’s just…

You need prayer and action. You can have faith to move mountains, but sometimes you have to use a shovel. God can make miracles happen in your life, but sometimes you got to meet him part way.

It seems like when you have options and a chance to do something, maybe you should do it…Maybe you can try…Please try?

I can’t read her mind. Perhaps the details are such that prayer really is her only option…Our only option…But, from what she’s said, she’s making it her only option. Again, maybe mentally she doesn’t think she could handle anything else…But in a society so focused on comfort and not being in pain, heck, even as myself – focusing so much on pleasure with that fear of pain and suffering, it’s like, we forget the good that can come with the difficult. The fact that fire can burn, but it makes metal stronger.

I think sometimes we have to be reminded that certain things are possible and that sometimes we should try, even if we don’t want to, because sometimes we think less is possible than it is. We have less faith in ourselves than we should have. We don’t do things because we are afraid and we let fear stop us from living…Sometimes, literally. Like maybe my friend’s afraid of pain to the point where the fear is going to end her life. I don’t want that to happen. …Life isn’t about pleasure…It’s about joy, contentment, love. Love means willing the best for the other…So my arguments for her going through surgery are that she might not die, dying without surgery will already be painful, and there might be beautiful years of life ahead of her if she would only try.

It may not even come to that though.

In two weeks the tumor may be completely gone.

Or maybe, oh that would be a miracle too, in two weeks it will have shrunk to an operable size.

Then we’d just need the other miracle of her agreeing to treatment, her agreeing that her life is worth that temporary pain. Her trusting that more beautiful things are possible after treatment, that her life is worth it, that she is loved and can love so much more if she goes through with the treatment.

Praying for miracles.

So that is where things are at currently. My friend is praying, I am praying, and I often slip into just not thinking about this for hours at a time…Because life happens. Because of school and other people in your life…Because she waited a year to tell me that she had a tumor and even now she is still working and almost too busy to talk. She’d rather work than talk…Because if she stops working to talk, she’ll break down and cry…that much I know, that much she told me.

Ultimately, I don’t know what to do but pray, and carry on life as usual until I get another chance to talk to her, and until the next appointment when they find out whether a miracle happened or not.

Thank you for your prayers and love.



Filed under Various writing