Tag Archives: happiness

Poem to Friendship

Is it a mistake to wake and take

a moment to send a message,

a note I wrote,

merely, to tell you

Thank you

and you’re sweet,

and you’re kind,

and God bless?

Because I was thinking about it and every other male “friend” managed to add to my life a pile of stress,

and you just are…and are so nicely.

Quietly listen, listen politely.

Don’t barrage me with words or try to indict me

in an entitled way

measuring all the words I did or didn’t say.

You just are and take me in,

you’re just sweet, truly a friend,

and I appreciate it and you,

I value it, I really do.

So, thank you.

 

Now the message’s sent,

you’ve read it, it’s gone, I don’t repent

because you’re all kindness in words and deed,

you deserved to see it, to know and let it feed

your  goodness, your friendship, and to continue,

in being amazing, in being you.

 

-cd

 

 

 

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Filed under General Poems, Various writing

Update, God is Good!

My friend with cancer’s tumor has shrunk.

It’s wonderful news.

She keeps saying that my prayers are the reason for it.

I have no idea what God is up to and how much he’s working through me, but I’ll take it.

Thank you for your prayers too.

 

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Filed under Various writing

ODR: What my life looks like to God.

I came back from visiting my friend in August and I was suddenly very thoughtful. On September 12, 2014 I composed this post. I don’t think it went along with my general whining about gradschool, so I saved it until now…It starts in italics, so I’m adding little dash lines to make it clear where my commentary ends and the post begins. Here come the dashes… ALSO, apparently I published this once and then unpublished it. I don’t know the story behind that…

————————————————————————————–

I want that. Or I want that. That hurt, I want this instead. That will make me happy. Or maybe that will make me happy. I am so sad. This is all so sad, why are you letting me be so sad GOD! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO GOD!??? Oh look, a guy! He will make me happy. YAY, we are chilling like best friends and he is giving me so much attention and…Now he is gone. I am sad again. GOD….GOD, WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING PEOPLE AWAY FROM ME? WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING HAPPINESS AWAY!!!!!Oh look, another guy! He’ll make me happy! We can be best friends and maybe he’ll be the one that really understands me and makes me complete and—- GOD, HE LEFT ME AGAIN.

There are brief moments in my life where I realize something. They aren’t typically very profound somethings, and often I forget them upon learning them. So…here’s one:

I keep trying to find happiness in the world. In people. In things. And yes, people and things can be good and they can bring you joy, and you’re ultimately supposed to be happy, but they’re not going to make you happy all the time. They’re going to fail. You’re going to fail. I fail.

I’m not going to be perfectly happy. All the time. Currently. In this life. It’s not possible.

Something will go wrong.

And this sounds like a pessimist thing, and it kind of is.

But…It’s…It shouldn’t be.

Because the deal is, while this world is imperfect, perfection exists.

While there is suffering, joy exists.

While there is pain, there is someone who takes all that pain and turns it into something beautiful, who takes the suffering, and saves…and because he did it, because he was able to, we can try.

We can take the painful moments in our life, and turn them into joy.

We can get through it.

We can accept the suffering, and …move forward, and move with joy, because sure…it’s not perfect, but it’s life, and there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and that’s God…and life with him..

And I don’t…I don’t like to talk about….Suffering, or rather about just accepting suffering and being discontent…Because I don’t want to be…Because I want perfect happiness…and I want everything now…and I’m impatient…

But…I also know that it’s possible that I may  not get everything I want now, and maybe what I want isn’t always good…Because I keep noticing that what I want keeps leaving me….

And so…I guess I learned that…I have to keep being patient and keep doing my best.

And that every guy I ever liked not liking me back might not ultimately be a bad thing…Because maybe God has better plans. Like for someone who actually likes me to tell me that he does and for me to like him back…and for that to happen when I’m ready for it to happen, whenever that is.

Those were just some thoughts…After scanning my posts for the last couple months.

Well, goodnight, I hope you’re doing well, and that you’re persevering through whatever you need to persevere through, and that something wonderful happens tomorrow and you notice it.

– Catherine

 

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Filed under ODR: Old Drafts Revisited

Being happy and more on “Appreciating Friendship”

Whew, I just wrote a poem inspired by communicating with a friend of mine, someone who I was swooning over a year and many months ago, and then heartbroken over a little bit after that, and now…Now we’re actually legitimate friends.

Like, I’m happy with where we are.

We are actually just friends, and I am content.

Our friendship is mutually joyful.

We can talk and be happy.

We can chill and be happy.

We triumph in each other’s successes.

We will each other’s good.

And we are just happy.

And I want nothing more.

And I have all I want.

And a year and a half ago I probably would have stared at the current me (In the fictional situation in which I go back and time and tell my former self that the guy I like, in that time, and I are, in the future, just friends and I’m very happy with it) and been like, “REALLY? But he’s so great!!!” and myself now would be like “Yes he is, but he’s even better as a friend, and you two are gonna be amazing as friends”, and me of the past would be like  “But I LOVE HIM SO MUCH I don’t even know how to be friends with him”, and later me would be like “First of all sista, that is infatuation, which you know”, and old me would nod in acknowledgement of the fact that I had very much exaggerated my feelings, and then current me would go on “Exactly, and as I was saying, that desire to possess that object of your affections has passed. Well, I mean, it also shifted around to a couple other individuals, but also, mainly, it left him and you can finally just appreciate him for him and not want to be near to him in that way.” Past me would listen attentively, and current me would go on, “Now you’re actually FRIENDS friends. Like, there’s none of that awkward, OHMYGOSH I LOVE HIM stuff happening, and it’s not like, OHMYGOSH, WHY ISN’T HE TALKING TO ME RIGHT NOW! every five seconds or week or weekend or whenever, it’s like: He actually cares, but not in that way, and you care too, but not in that way, and you can actually function like a normal human being around him and both of you mutually benefit.”

And the me from a year and a half ago would stare at current me in an awestruck way and be like, “Really?” and I’d say, “Really.” And past me would look at current me with a face of happy anticipation and smile and say, “I can’t wait.”

And BOOM, it’s back to current me, and I don’t have to.

We are friends, and I am happy, and I love having people to actually love.

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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Appreciating friendship

I am blessed by this friendship that

wasn’t ruined

when I told you how I felt,

because

Even though you didn’t quite feel the same,

with the exact feelings that you didn’t name,

this didn’t crumble into nothing…

though it did melt into an awkward something.

But awkward somethings over time

can grow into something rather fine,

after the side-steps and the misteps, and the partial regrets,

there was still never so much debt

that we couldn’t come back.

Friendship.

And now I’m blessed by this presence and I can see why I desired it,

but time has made me wiser and though the things that inspired it

are there, and my love is there, it has grown with care,

tending to the parts that should grow

and forgetting the parts that I needed to let go.

And now this beautiful friendship, between you and I,

this beautiful thing that didn’t just die,

it exists, as we exists, and it brings me joy.

Like a brother, like a friend, like a sister, like kin,

able to appreciate the beauty and the humor,

able to appreciate the talent and the wit,

able to appreciate and be with each other,

just as friends,

and this friendship is legit.

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Filed under All Poetry

Poem: Don’t know much

I don’t know why I care so much, sometimes I wish I didn’t.
I don’t know why I want you here, but life just seems so empty without you in it.
I don’t like these jealousies, and for them there’s no excuse.
I’d give them up entirely, I hope they’ll be forgotten from disuse.

I don’t know why I care so much or what happened to begin it,
I don’t recall being swept off my feet or the falling, but I know I’m in it.
I don’t know what makes you so beautiful, so shining, such a delight,
All I know is that I feel more whole when you are in my sight.

I know it’s not just the way you look, because I didn’t notice that
Until I noticed what makes you you, and that is where I am at,
Noticing who you really are and how your beauty shines
More than just the sculpture of your face and body lines.

I don’t know why I care so much, but you’re something to care about
You’re beautiful in every important way and it makes me want to shout
Glory to God for making you, you’re such a treasure here
Glory to God, and now I’ll pray that somehow you’ll be near.

In space, in time, in friendship or love
In spirit, in soul, in any way God above
Deems right or perfect or true or saving,
For me to be with you I’m aiming.
I’ll accept what I’m given,
I’ll probably pray for more,
I don’t know why exactly,
I may never be sure,
but for reasons of love I want to be with you
and for reasons of love I wish you’d want to be with me too.

Maybe I know why I care so much, and why I wish I didn’t
Because you’re such a joy to love, and life’s not as good without you in it.

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems

Posting for realzies!

I keep logging into my blog and start considering posting something, and I even get so far as clicking the little pencil and starting a draft, and then I get distracted and quit.

I still haven’t finished my post for when someone nominated me for some award…I think it was the Versatile Blogger or something. Anyway, I’m tired, and just finished chatting with some person via the computer, so now I’m gonna post, because tired posts written after midnight are always the best…

POSTING.

So…I have a month of grad school left, and then I’ve finished my second semester….I have to write a 15 page paper designing a course by Sunday….I’m getting a haircut tomorrow…and that is my life.

I’ve also been watching random t.v. shows on Netflix for like, multiple hours a night…a lot of Walking Dead.

Last night I dreamed I was pretty much in a floating house train, and their were zombies outside, and by the end of the dream I had killed one with a knife. I have violent dreams, and it’s mostly due to zombies, and I should probably stop watching old episodes of Walking Dead on Netflix, but oddly, it is how my mom and I bond. She makes comments about how stupid the characters are and how they shouldn’t go anywhere alone ever, and I agree with her and point out that no one dies for another episode at least. Yep.

That’s pretty much it. Sometimes on weekends I play a board games with my family, and sometimes I play ukulele. I haven’t written a new song that people have liked since October. You could say I shouldn’t care whether they like it, but 80% of the fun of playing ukulele and singing is performing for other people, and bringing them joy and happiness…So I like writing songs that other people appreciate and enjoy. Sure, I’ll play ukulele anyway, when I’m not in class or stressing about class, or mindlessly watching zombie shows to recover from the boring reality of my chosen future profession (or at least the horrible dullness of the classes for the profession), but being able to share my music with people is just an entirely different level from playing music by myself in my room. I enjoy it, it makes me happy, and when it seems to make other people happy it feels like I’m doing something worthwhile. Unlike watching Netflix, and sitting in my classes. But the classes are working towards a profession where I will help people learn English, and that is worthwhile, and the Netflix is merely fluffing between the work that gives me a chance to try to handle it all again….except for the sake of my sleep I should really switch to a show that is not horror themed.

Night.

– Catherine

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Filed under Cdukulele's life.