Tag Archives: guys

Poem to Friendship

Is it a mistake to wake and take

a moment to send a message,

a note I wrote,

merely, to tell you

Thank you

and you’re sweet,

and you’re kind,

and God bless?

Because I was thinking about it and every other male “friend” managed to add to my life a pile of stress,

and you just are…and are so nicely.

Quietly listen, listen politely.

Don’t barrage me with words or try to indict me

in an entitled way

measuring all the words I did or didn’t say.

You just are and take me in,

you’re just sweet, truly a friend,

and I appreciate it and you,

I value it, I really do.

So, thank you.

 

Now the message’s sent,

you’ve read it, it’s gone, I don’t repent

because you’re all kindness in words and deed,

you deserved to see it, to know and let it feed

your  goodness, your friendship, and to continue,

in being amazing, in being you.

 

-cd

 

 

 

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Filed under General Poems, Various writing

Sad tea-cups

…are those with almond milk in them instead of real milk.

Also, 5 minutes after posting my update about my friend with cancer having a smaller tumor, I got a text from her asking me to pray for her because she was in the worst pain yet. At two am, after I’d gotten two hours of sleep and inexplicably woke up, she contacted me again and we talked and she seemed to be better. I then stayed up til some crazy hour, and then woke up and had a fairly pleasant day. Knowing your friend is not as bad off as she was right before you went to bed that night has a way of making days better.

In other totally non-consequential news:

I might have gone on two dates with two different guys in the last two weeks, but nobody ever calls anything a date anymore so I really have no idea, but I kind of think one of the guys almost tried to kiss me judging by the strange pause at the end of the night just after we arrived at my car and took out my keys to leave. That would definitely put the second hang out in the “date” category, but the pause could have also simply been awkwardness. Who knows? I definitely don’t.
When you don’t go around kissing people you have no idea when you are in a kissing-people situation or not.

That’s my life.

P.S. Continued prayers for my friend are appreciated. Prayers for all totally confused young people who don’t know if they are on dates or not are also appreciated.

P.P.S. I have no idea how to balance talking about my feelings about my friend with cancer with my feelings about the rest of my life, as they are completely different segments of my life. However, the way life works is that everything just kinda gets shoved together and it is your life, and sometimes, 60-70 years later, you look back on it and maybe you see patterns, and then you write nice little uniform books about the experiences, or maybe sell the movie rights or whatever…But that doesn’t happen in the middle of the experience, when everything is happening at once and you don’t know what’s important and what’s not besides what you think about it in the moment. It is from this disjointed reality that my blog posts are born. In fifty to sixty years maybe I’ll write a book. For now you get the mess to make sense or nonsense of all on your own. Have fun!

 

 

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

From a Saturday night in January…

In twelve minutes I go on another date. But I don’t think it’s even a date, because he’s bringing a friend of his for unknown reasons.

But as I merely invited him to go out for some tea, due to the wrenching loneliness in my heart that results when one friend is dying from cancer and you can’t seem to locate any of your other friends in the nearby vicinity, I don’t really care.

I am happy to merely be with people.

For a split moment did it feel like I wasn’t good enough just myself for him, like he didn’t really want to hang out with me and he invited his guy friend to avoid the paralyzing torture that merely hanging out with me alone would induce…But then I brushed that feeling away as I recollected that he was the one that suggested we go out today when my invitation to go out yesterday was rejected.

So now he’s bringing a friend.

Definitely not a date.

And with two minutes on the clock, I just received a text alerting me that he is almost here.

So not only did he reject my first offer to hang out, but he’s bringing a friend, and he’s going to be late.

Winning on all fronts.

I should just give up now.

With my hyper-criticism.

My hyper-negativity.

Ironically recalling how when he first met me he mentioned how he needed to hang out with more “positive people”, people like me.

Attempting to live up to that stereotype that he instilled within our first five minutes of meeting.

Writing sentences with no subject that force the reader to guess that all of the previous sentences were incomplete clauses that would more properly begin with the words “I am”.

I break grammar rules all the time.

But that’s a side note.

Back to the main topic.

He’s two minutes late and I got to get over it.

Because if I’m going to attempt to make any new friends…I’m going to have to give them some time to prove themselves.

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Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing

Poem: Wading through thorns.

“I appreciate you” I say pointlessly, while my hormones are raging, and I allow them to force me to speak this momentarily overwhelming stupid thought, that is half honesty, out of an attempt to make you communicate something more toward me. Communicate. With me.

Heart pounding and I see you smile and just want to wrap my arms around you, wrap your arms around me, be warm and soft and held tight like you love me.

Cursing these hormones and these thoughts and hopes that are built on short bouts of laughter and glances from your dark, beautiful eyes.

You stare a lot, and I don’t know what you communicate, but you set my heart on fire and it won’t seem to go out.

Glances and smiles with those beautiful eyes and beautiful cheeks and beautiful teeth gleaming white, perfectly set in a smiling mouth.

You are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are attractive and every physical part of me wants to be closer to you, and I’m at war with myself, mind over matter, because the matter is trying to take over and I’m starting to lose my mind.

I don’t want to lose my mind.

Because mentally, oh beautifully attractive one, mentally I know it is not time. Mentally, oh captivating heartthrob, causer of my heartbeats and blackouts of mind, mentally, I know that this is more overwhelming infatuation than love. This is more biological than rational, this is more instinct than instance, this is more me wanting to be loved than me loving, and I can’t have that.

I can’t have this.

I repel that desire for objectification, no matter the momentary elation of that satiation of desire, I repel that instant gratification, that short term duration of feeling, built on matter fleeting, of feeding that burning fire
that burns without purpose except to excite, that burns with heat but gives no great light, that burns to consume and exhaust and deplete, I reject that sterile and empty feat.
I reject the unwholesome consumption of you, crumbling your beauty not loving you through, I reject that notion that hearts can’t be tamed, that we can go on and on and not be blamed, I reject this notion, this desire to obtain, I reject these thoughts that leave love lame, I reject the dampening of Purity’s gleam, ruining her waters, defiling a stream of love, of goodness, of truth and joy, of happiness and beauty and all we employ when deeply and truly loving each other, I reject the bad and will accept no other love – except a love that is true, a love that loves every aspect of you.

I will fight for the truth and a heart that embraces
you and every single one of your faces,
you when you’re broken and you when you’re down,
you when you’re silent and when you make no sound,
you when you’re shouting and singing for joy,
you when you’re manly, or when you feel like a boy,
you when you need me and you when you don’t,
you when you help me and you when you won’t,
to love you despite, in addition, and because,
to love you for reasons that were, are, and was,
I will fight for a love that embraces all things that make you more holy and through which God brings us closer to him and to each other, deeper in love with him and one another.

I will fight for the Love he provides with no mercy.
I will fight for the Love he provides til I’m worthy
to have you, to hold you, to love you, a man,
I will fight to love you and try til I can.

You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and once that beauty was all I could see, blinded by the gift of sight, couldn’t see the soul surrounded in light. You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and I will try to love that beauty, love and respect and pray for and wait, and melt the lust that’s hiding self-hate. You are beautiful, you reflect perfection, and I will wait until God points me in the right direction. You are beautiful and my heart reaches for you, but it will stay still until I ever say “I do”.

Thank you Lord, for the beauty in the world, and please protect the heart of this awestruck girl.

AMEN.

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems

Regarding my personal life…

I’m not half as interesting in person as I am when I am composing blog posts which speak mostly to myself. Or maybe I am. Maybe I’m crazy interesting. I do tend to spend most of my out-in-the-real-world time contemplating one-line responses to questions and statements that will make the people around me laugh. Maybe I like attention too much…

At any rate, this propensity for humor has been useful for generally increasing the cheeriness of people around me, but it’s apparently useless in the one-on-one date context. Maybe it’s the people that I elect to spend one-on-one date time with. Maybe I care too much about what they think and so I turn down the humor level and turn up the serious-thoughtful-intelligent-smart Catherine level. (I know, I know, how is it possible to turn that up, how can you get to a level of brilliance that is past “Catherine”?…) I don’t know, but what I do know is that in the presence of a certain male I seem to lose all my great conversational ability.

It’s all…”How’s life?” and instead of saying, “Oh you know, it’s horrible and I think I’m barely hanging on, but I made cookies today, so actually it’s pretty good”, I blandly say “Fine”…and I let the conversation die.

I wonder if this is my fault.

Perhaps I care too much of this person’s opinion of me, and instead of being my wonderful humorous self, I become the reserved Catherine who doesn’t speak up. This would be less annoying if they weren’t doing the exact same thing. Two people hanging out who are too afraid to speak for fear of making the other person lose interest become incredibly boring to each other, and ultimately lose interest.

Let that be a lesson to you, if you let fear control you, you become boring.

Don’t be controlled by fear.

Side note: Wisdom and fear are two different things, knowing that a stove is hot and not wanting to touch it and burn your hand is not fear, but wisdom. So be cautious and be wise, but be not afraid.

– Catherine

 

 

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ODR: Guys shouldn’t be allowed to wear tank tops.

I probably shouldn’t be dictating rules about what people are and are not allowed to wear, but seriously:

Either 1, they look horrible in them, or 2, their muscles show and all you can do is gawk at their arms.

This is a lose-lose situation in my mind.

Am I ridiculous? I might be ridiculous.

But I don’t want to be distracted by the unattractiveness or attractiveness of a man’s arms.

Oh my goodness, I’m ridiculous.

OKOKOK, Maybe if you’re a guy and you’re just hot -temperature wise-, so you’re wearing a tank top…I suppose.

But seriously…Any one else think…no..

It’s just me, isn’t it?

And it’s just this particular ex-crush.

..and the fact that I need any reason to blame him for being adorable

…so that I don’t like him anymore..

things wrong….with…my…mind.

Grah.

Okay, I must merely accept the fact that this particular man has fairly attractive arms, and there is nothing wrong with accepting that. Except that that is a ridiculous thing to be attracted to.

I am attracted to muscular arms.

Wow.

These are details about me that no one ever needs to know.

I should never have started this post.

Or maybe I’m simply revealing the fact that once you like someone, you’ll find a million other reasons to like them.

Like, they have nice arms.

Because that’s totally the first thing to look for in a significant other.

Not.

But it is something you will notice when you already like someone. Maybe.

I dunno.

Now, proceed to rant and rave below about how ridiculous I am.

-me

(Thoughts from September of 2014)

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Filed under ODR: Old Drafts Revisited, Various writing

School’s started

Which means I’m back, for who knows how long…Probably all semester. Now that I’m back to being stressed out on a weekly basis, I’ll have plenty of stuff to write about and plenty of procrastination time in which to do it.

This is good. Maybe this creativity will encourage the song-writing creativity which I have been a little lax on since before Christmas.

Plus I’ll be interacting with people more again, so I’ll be able to talk about that too…

Yes, school is definitely a good thing. If only I weren’t so paranoid about spending so much money and time on something that I may not ever want to do.

Too late now…Actually, I think I have a couple weeks before it’s really “too late”, but I mean, I don’t really know what else to do with my life and so far I’m surviving with my whole, M.A. TESOL plan, so maybe this will work out. Maybe I won’t break down into tears again like I possibly did once or thrice last semester and may or may not have done the night before classes this week.

Besides, what do tears mean anyway!? They’re merely a sign that I was completely overwhelmed by something, probably lack of sleep…Did I mention that I’m in communication with the guy that I completely broke off communication with before Halloween because of the inappropriate joke he sent me and the fact that he doesn’t quite comprehend me?

I’m sure that confusion about my future and confusion about my non-existent, unhealthy, confusing, complicated friendships, and lack of sleep all didn’t combine to create the tears the night before my first day of classes.

…It’s like, when it rains it pours.

Three months with nothing interesting, and then he shows up right when I have to figure out my life again and make sure I’m doing what I want to be doing as far as my education and career go.

So, school has started and Cdukulele’s life has gotten interesting again.

Being interesting is exhausting, I got to go finish my homework and sleep.

Night, my imaginary best friends and readers, please feel free to pray for me: like you probably were at some point, I’m not sure what to do with my life, or what to do about the member of the opposite sex who is talking to me and who I don’t understand and who doesn’t quite understand me but who I keep talking to anyway because I talk to people. I probably make my life more complicated than it is. Anyway, thanks for prayers and reading, God bless ya.

– Cdukulele

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Filed under Cdukulele's life.