Tag Archives: God

Poem: Wading through thorns.

“I appreciate you” I say pointlessly, while my hormones are raging, and I allow them to force me to speak this momentarily overwhelming stupid thought, that is half honesty, out of an attempt to make you communicate something more toward me. Communicate. With me.

Heart pounding and I see you smile and just want to wrap my arms around you, wrap your arms around me, be warm and soft and held tight like you love me.

Cursing these hormones and these thoughts and hopes that are built on short bouts of laughter and glances from your dark, beautiful eyes.

You stare a lot, and I don’t know what you communicate, but you set my heart on fire and it won’t seem to go out.

Glances and smiles with those beautiful eyes and beautiful cheeks and beautiful teeth gleaming white, perfectly set in a smiling mouth.

You are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are attractive and every physical part of me wants to be closer to you, and I’m at war with myself, mind over matter, because the matter is trying to take over and I’m starting to lose my mind.

I don’t want to lose my mind.

Because mentally, oh beautifully attractive one, mentally I know it is not time. Mentally, oh captivating heartthrob, causer of my heartbeats and blackouts of mind, mentally, I know that this is more overwhelming infatuation than love. This is more biological than rational, this is more instinct than instance, this is more me wanting to be loved than me loving, and I can’t have that.

I can’t have this.

I repel that desire for objectification, no matter the momentary elation of that satiation of desire, I repel that instant gratification, that short term duration of feeling, built on matter fleeting, of feeding that burning fire
that burns without purpose except to excite, that burns with heat but gives no great light, that burns to consume and exhaust and deplete, I reject that sterile and empty feat.
I reject the unwholesome consumption of you, crumbling your beauty not loving you through, I reject that notion that hearts can’t be tamed, that we can go on and on and not be blamed, I reject this notion, this desire to obtain, I reject these thoughts that leave love lame, I reject the dampening of Purity’s gleam, ruining her waters, defiling a stream of love, of goodness, of truth and joy, of happiness and beauty and all we employ when deeply and truly loving each other, I reject the bad and will accept no other love – except a love that is true, a love that loves every aspect of you.

I will fight for the truth and a heart that embraces
you and every single one of your faces,
you when you’re broken and you when you’re down,
you when you’re silent and when you make no sound,
you when you’re shouting and singing for joy,
you when you’re manly, or when you feel like a boy,
you when you need me and you when you don’t,
you when you help me and you when you won’t,
to love you despite, in addition, and because,
to love you for reasons that were, are, and was,
I will fight for a love that embraces all things that make you more holy and through which God brings us closer to him and to each other, deeper in love with him and one another.

I will fight for the Love he provides with no mercy.
I will fight for the Love he provides til I’m worthy
to have you, to hold you, to love you, a man,
I will fight to love you and try til I can.

You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and once that beauty was all I could see, blinded by the gift of sight, couldn’t see the soul surrounded in light. You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and I will try to love that beauty, love and respect and pray for and wait, and melt the lust that’s hiding self-hate. You are beautiful, you reflect perfection, and I will wait until God points me in the right direction. You are beautiful and my heart reaches for you, but it will stay still until I ever say “I do”.

Thank you Lord, for the beauty in the world, and please protect the heart of this awestruck girl.

AMEN.

 

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Pray and Love.

I haven’t posted for ten days, and my last post was on such a deep important issue that it’s hard for me to go back to the unimportant basics of my day.

It’s not hard for my mind to wander back to thinking about myself and my own problems, my own self-love and lack of superior concentration had me doing that within several minutes of composing that post…But thinking about it and writing about it are two different things. What justice is there in me talking about myself and my problems when there is so much suffering in the world? What justice is there in me writing about anything but that which is most important?

There may not be any justice in it…Unfortunately, I am not skilled and I am not perfect and I am not that dedicated. There are people who devote their time and their lives to writing about only important issues in the world, and philsophies, and such…and I…I am not one of them.

Sometimes I dabble…Like we all do…But it’s easy to throw in your two cents, a lot harder to dedicate a dollar.

I don’t know if I even have a dollar.

My thoughts on the issue so far…I’m not knowledgeable enough on the topic to give my thoughts.

I don’t want to give my thoughts.

I’m in this blog to vent and run away from my problems.

Not contemplate serious issues.

But now I’ve already thrown out my thoughts on a serious issue and it seems hard to walk away from.

I believe in God. I pray for Paris. I want people to love and take care of people, and I want people to be safe and protected.

I want life and love to be given a chance.

Speaking of which, babies are cute, and also, they are tiny humans.

Fetuses may not be as cute, but they are still tiny humans.

Zygotes may not have terms of endearment attached to them, but again, they are their own little humans. Unless it’s like a sheep zygote, in which case it’s a tiny sheep. At any rate, a zygote is the cell formed when two gametes/sex cells meet, and has it’s own tiny set of DNA making it it’s own unique self which has never existed and will never exist again. It’s entirely unique.

Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t mean it’s not important.

Just because they haven’t been born yet/don’t look like what you think a human should look like, doesn’t mean they aren’t valuable.

And there ends my post.

Love everyone, including the human zygotes.

 

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I will Pray for Paris.

I believe in a Creator of the universe who always existed, and being perfect, and loving so much, his love could not be contained and resulted in Creation coming to be as something outside of himself, created by his love.

I believe that this Creator, out of his supreme perfection, made the crown of this creation like himself, and gave human beings the capability to choose to love him, rather than compelling them to love him without choice, because real LOVE is an active choice of the will, to continuously strive for the good, and choose the good.

From these two religious beliefs spring the beliefs I have about life and how it should be lived, and what is required of me as an individual to remain true to my Creator and loving him. From the belief that we were created out of love comes the belief that we are created to love. From the belief that we must choose to love, comes the acceptance that sometimes people choose not to love, and the recognition that free will allows for both the beauty of choosing the right way, and the pain of choosing the wrong.

I have beliefs and I practice a religion. The more questions you ask me about my faith, the more I will attempt to explain the little parts of it and the reasoning behind it, the more I will try to explain how my love of God results in a love of my religion which only exists to show me how to best love my neighbor.

I suppose my love of neighbor can best be summed up as the following:

Treating my neighbor like they were created by the same love that created me and not harming them in any way.

And that is key to my religion. As part of my religion I pray, for myself and for my neighbor. I pray for the strength to love better, for guidance, and I pray for the world and that people can see the love of God in their lives and live it out more deeply.

Do not tell me that religion is the problem. Do not tell me that people hate each other because of religion, that without religion everything would be fine. Because yes, people use religion as an excuse for hatred, but more than that people use it as a way to love. I use it as a way to love.

And so I will pray. I will pray for the people who don’t believe that we were created out of love, who don’t believe that we are designed to love, and who don’t believe that love includes putting others before ourselves and not harming each other. For the people who use their beliefs as an excuse to hurt each other, for the people who believe that hurting each other somehow fulfills their beliefs. I will pray for Paris and I will pray for the world, and I will pray because I believe in the strength of prayers, and I believe in love.

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ODR: What my life looks like to God.

I came back from visiting my friend in August and I was suddenly very thoughtful. On September 12, 2014 I composed this post. I don’t think it went along with my general whining about gradschool, so I saved it until now…It starts in italics, so I’m adding little dash lines to make it clear where my commentary ends and the post begins. Here come the dashes… ALSO, apparently I published this once and then unpublished it. I don’t know the story behind that…

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I want that. Or I want that. That hurt, I want this instead. That will make me happy. Or maybe that will make me happy. I am so sad. This is all so sad, why are you letting me be so sad GOD! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO GOD!??? Oh look, a guy! He will make me happy. YAY, we are chilling like best friends and he is giving me so much attention and…Now he is gone. I am sad again. GOD….GOD, WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING PEOPLE AWAY FROM ME? WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING HAPPINESS AWAY!!!!!Oh look, another guy! He’ll make me happy! We can be best friends and maybe he’ll be the one that really understands me and makes me complete and—- GOD, HE LEFT ME AGAIN.

There are brief moments in my life where I realize something. They aren’t typically very profound somethings, and often I forget them upon learning them. So…here’s one:

I keep trying to find happiness in the world. In people. In things. And yes, people and things can be good and they can bring you joy, and you’re ultimately supposed to be happy, but they’re not going to make you happy all the time. They’re going to fail. You’re going to fail. I fail.

I’m not going to be perfectly happy. All the time. Currently. In this life. It’s not possible.

Something will go wrong.

And this sounds like a pessimist thing, and it kind of is.

But…It’s…It shouldn’t be.

Because the deal is, while this world is imperfect, perfection exists.

While there is suffering, joy exists.

While there is pain, there is someone who takes all that pain and turns it into something beautiful, who takes the suffering, and saves…and because he did it, because he was able to, we can try.

We can take the painful moments in our life, and turn them into joy.

We can get through it.

We can accept the suffering, and …move forward, and move with joy, because sure…it’s not perfect, but it’s life, and there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and that’s God…and life with him..

And I don’t…I don’t like to talk about….Suffering, or rather about just accepting suffering and being discontent…Because I don’t want to be…Because I want perfect happiness…and I want everything now…and I’m impatient…

But…I also know that it’s possible that I may¬† not get everything I want now, and maybe what I want isn’t always good…Because I keep noticing that what I want keeps leaving me….

And so…I guess I learned that…I have to keep being patient and keep doing my best.

And that every guy I ever liked not liking me back might not ultimately be a bad thing…Because maybe God has better plans. Like for someone who actually likes me to tell me that he does and for me to like him back…and for that to happen when I’m ready for it to happen, whenever that is.

Those were just some thoughts…After scanning my posts for the last couple months.

Well, goodnight, I hope you’re doing well, and that you’re persevering through whatever you need to persevere through, and that something wonderful happens tomorrow and you notice it.

– Catherine

 

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Survive.

I don’t have the time right now to cry for you, since you won’t make the time to cry for you.

Your friend and I have been consulting. Your friend, my friend, our friend.
We’re both trying to deal with your situation, because it doesn’t seem like you’re dealing with it.
I have the deck.

Two weeks and then I’m doing something.
Is two weeks too much time, will it be too late?
Two weeks is enough time for you to find out whether or not God has healed you.
With faith to move mountains, he can surely heal a tumor.
But God doesn’t always work the way we expect…and I don’t know what you expect.
But, it may not happen the way you want, and then…then I have to pray that you love us enough to understand that we love you enough to want you to live.

Two weeks.
Then I’ll tell you everything I think. Will I have time? I’ll have to have time. You’ll have to have time…Because in two weeks, you’ll either be healthy, or still dying but finally acknowledging it for the world to see.

How are you so calm?

Because if you stopped for a moment to think about it, you’d never pull yourself together.
I wish you felt safe enough to let yourself fall apart.
I wish I was there so that you could fall apart.
I wish I could be there to love you, unconditionally, to ease you from this time of nonstop rush without a thought, to actually thinking, accepting, suffering, and getting through this.

I want you to get through this.

I love you, so get through this.

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Life goes on…

I haven’t talked to the friend that I wrote about in my last post for a while…It’s only been a couple days but it feels like a while. Your mind can so easily switch from one mode to another and you can sometimes forget about something entirely depending on who you’re with.

I went to a movie with one of my local friends tonight, and the previews started running. After one for a comedy there was one with Drew Barrymore and a British lady (I’m sorry, I’ve seen more Drew Barrymore films and I don’t recall the other actress’s name), and the whole concept of the film was that they were best friends and then one of them got cancer. It was a slightly unreal moment for me. I was just sitting there thinking, how did they know that my friend has cancer? …Of course, it was only a preview for a film, and in the film the lady with cancer is in her forties, and has two children, and is getting chemotherapy and explaining it to her kids, and anyway, what they show in the two minute preview is your basic: I have cancer, I’m going to fight it, we will get through this, but if we don’t it’s okay, that’s life, movie. …Is that a basic type of movie? I mean, it was an upbeat film. According to the two minute preview I saw.

Basically, she was fighting for her life…and I just remembered my friend…and she…she is praying.

Praying can be fighting. Prayer warriors exist. God is there.

It’s just…

You need prayer and action. You can have faith to move mountains, but sometimes you have to use a shovel. God can make miracles happen in your life, but sometimes you got to meet him part way.

It seems like when you have options and a chance to do something, maybe you should do it…Maybe you can try…Please try?

I can’t read her mind. Perhaps the details are such that prayer really is her only option…Our only option…But, from what she’s said, she’s making it her only option. Again, maybe mentally she doesn’t think she could handle anything else…But in a society so focused on comfort and not being in pain, heck, even as myself – focusing so much on pleasure with that fear of pain and suffering, it’s like, we forget the good that can come with the difficult. The fact that fire can burn, but it makes metal stronger.

I think sometimes we have to be reminded that certain things are possible and that sometimes we should try, even if we don’t want to, because sometimes we think less is possible than it is. We have less faith in ourselves than we should have. We don’t do things because we are afraid and we let fear stop us from living…Sometimes, literally. Like maybe my friend’s afraid of pain to the point where the fear is going to end her life. I don’t want that to happen. …Life isn’t about pleasure…It’s about joy, contentment, love. Love means willing the best for the other…So my arguments for her going through surgery are that she might not die, dying without surgery will already be painful, and there might be beautiful years of life ahead of her if she would only try.

It may not even come to that though.

In two weeks the tumor may be completely gone.

Or maybe, oh that would be a miracle too, in two weeks it will have shrunk to an operable size.

Then we’d just need the other miracle of her agreeing to treatment, her agreeing that her life is worth that temporary pain. Her trusting that more beautiful things are possible after treatment, that her life is worth it, that she is loved and can love so much more if she goes through with the treatment.

Praying for miracles.

So that is where things are at currently. My friend is praying, I am praying, and I often slip into just not thinking about this for hours at a time…Because life happens. Because of school and other people in your life…Because she waited a year to tell me that she had a tumor and even now she is still working and almost too busy to talk. She’d rather work than talk…Because if she stops working to talk, she’ll break down and cry…that much I know, that much she told me.

Ultimately, I don’t know what to do but pray, and carry on life as usual until I get another chance to talk to her, and until the next appointment when they find out whether a miracle happened or not.

Thank you for your prayers and love.

-Cdukulele

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Amen

I cry

and He puts the people that I need in my life

to wipe away my tears.

I laugh

because there are people in my life

through all the years.

He loves me through every one of them, and I love back and try to be like Him.

Praise the Lord.

Amen.

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