Tag Archives: future

Putting things in Perspective

Life is good.

I’m working on the developing meaningful friendships with people of the opposite sex, and everyone really, and not being so obsessive.

I’m working really slowly, but I’m working on it.

I’m kind of critical of myself and paranoid about what others think of me sometimes. I think that a lot of what they do or don’t do is directly related to some fault of mine. I should stop thinking that way. It’s not healthy, because I can really only control myself and I probably have very little negative influence on these people, if any at all, and if it is there, then it’s probably nothing I can control.

But I tend to think I can control it, and want to control it, because I want to be accepted and approved of.

I don’t know why.

Maybe it’s because I feel so dependent upon others and so unable to really take care of myself, like without people I would be very badly off, and so I want them to approve of me and like me so that I feel safe and secure, because I don’t trust me to take care of me.

And I don’t trust me to take care of me because physically my body still can’t handle as much as a “healthy” person (or so I think), and mentally I’m afraid of something breaking or going wrong and being completely dependent upon others again, especially because the need for neurosurgery came out of nowhere, the neck breaking happened just as I was getting better, and I’m still not confident I’m completely recovered / I expect something else to go wrong.

But nothing should go wrong.

But something could go wrong.

So I obsess about finding people to support and take care of me as insurance against the possibility that I will be helpless and alone.

But life is going good…because…I’m finding people I think I can depend on? People who tell me to stop thinking so negatively. People who give me a slightly more positive outlook, not only in the realm of having people to depend on, but in the realm of actually being able to take care of myself at some point, and that everything will be okay.

Life is good because there are people in my life reminding me that it can be good. Reminding me that I should have a little faith, I can have a little faith.

That it will be okay.

That I’ll get through it, and I won’t be alone, and that I will be able to take care of myself.

Then again I could be struck by lightening tomorrow. That’d be bad…But that’d also be incredibly unlikely, as most of the negative things I dwell on probably are, so I should focus again on trusting in God and trusting in him working through me.

And that is how my mind works, think of something small, go to the extreme of blowing it out of proportion, go back to seeing it in the correct view, calm down.

It will be okay, and it is okay.

Peace and love to you.

 

 

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Smoothing out the roller coaster thoughts because God is good.

I feel like my blog just kinda is. Like, I’ll randomly post a poem, and then I’ll throwback to some draft I never published, and then I’ll update you on current events in my life, and it’s a bit like a roller coaster. It lacks the cohesiveness that it once kinda sorta had, like where I was panicked about recovering from surgery and college, and then panicked about non-existent relationships, and then panicked about grad school, and then panicked about non-existent relationships. I suppose I may be over-estimating its former cohesiveness.

At any rate, I’m here, updating this lovely blog with a current post and not just dusting off an old draft, because I feel like I should do that every couple of days. It’s possible that I post too frequently, but between gradschool and not hanging out with the friends I wish I had, I have a lot of free time. The time isn’t exactly free, but my options are like, a. do piles of homework, b. sobbingly munch on comfort foods, c. watch netflix, d. scroll my facebook newsfeed and hope that someone will talk to me, or e. write a blog post. With those options I tend to choose the blog post, because then at least I have the excuse of being reflective while I don’t get anything super useful done.

So yeah, reflective time… Last year around now I was sobbing every other day because grad school overwhelmed me by adding homework and class to what I had to do with my time, and I was really sad about my lack of freedom. I also didn’t have a license and my few friendships were with guys I had crushes on who did not feel the same way about me. My physical therapy was still pretty pathetic, my body hurt more than it did now, and overall I think I was probably depressed.

This school year so far I have only really sobbed once. It was three hours before my very first class for the semester, and I was questioning God and breaking down, wondering why life was so miserable. Then I went to class and our professor gave a twenty-minute inspiring speech about how she got to where she was today and the tears she shed and the suffering she went through and how it was all worth it…I took that as a sign, and now I just keep seeing the positives of my situation and the negatives aren’t too much to bear.

I also now have a license, and with that I have spent more time developing my friendships with people who aren’t guys that I have unrequited crushes on, and while I am still often lonely, I have at least one female friend who can’t wait to hang out with me every week. Plus, a year of school has developed my friendships with people further, and I have support and people I can talk to about school, at least, and school friends who go to the gym with me, furthering my physical healing.

After a year of pulling through and venting and crying and questioning, I still don’t know exactly what I’m doing with my future. I don’t know if I really want to be a teacher, or if I’m dashing my dreams of music entirely…but I do know that while I’ve been suffering and pathetically responding to my situation, by actually trying at this teaching thing I’ve managed to improve my life in just about every way in the last two years.

I thought I was going downhill, but apparently I’m still going up.

…and while I just spent the last hour not doing homework I definitely think it wasn’t wasted.

Thank you for being there on this journey.

I’ll probably break down again in a couple of weeks, or like, right before my big project is due tomorrow evening, but in the mean time I’m just gonna try to appreciate the beauty of the life God has giving me and how everything is working out, even if it’s not as expected, or even if it’s not in the time I want it to.

Also, you can look forward to more roller coaster blasts from the past, because I have like, 30 other drafts from last year that I haven’t posted.

-cdukulele

(P.S. The Pope is in America and I’m Catholic. Life rocks. Like the rock of the Church. Peter. The first Pope. OH YEAH.)

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Deeply thinking about doing something…

I have 47 drafts of unpublished posts for this blog, and so I’m trying to spiff up this one from last night so that it doesn’t join that graveyard of past writings.

Except this is merely an informational post, and I’m slightly tempted to just relate my conversation of destroyed sleeping schedules that my Mom and I just had, or theorize about the guy I have a crush on at the moment, or contemplate the joys of my friendship with this other male…

But since I totally just made this blog post about all of that without going into detail, I’ll move on to my main topic.

Here it is:

I am going to do stuff.

 

If you don’t know what that means, that’s only because I’m not quite sure what it means, but if I clarify it then I’ll definitely be held accountable to having some sort of a plan, or I’ll feel that way, so I might remain vague. Plus, I read once online that the more you talk about your plans, the less likely you are to do them, because they become cemented in your mind as though they’ve already happened. So vagueness is a definite plus, I’ll give you the background of my decision though.

Firstly, in an effort to be more involved with my readers and wordpress, and to have a bit of a community thing going here/feel more connected, I tend to visit the blogs of people who visit me. I was doing this yesterday, glancing at posts of people who liked my posts, and I came across a blog called  beautybeyondbones, and I started reading it. After liking one post, I upped to stalker status and read and liked and commented on several more, and then I followed the blog, because I related to it.

I don’t have anorexia, or anything like that, if you know me at all you know vaguely that I had a fairly intense surgery three years ago Thursday (Woah, how time flies…), and as far as recovery goes, that’s all I’m really dealing with.

But reading her posts helped me think about what’s stopping me from being the best person I can be, and how my fears of failure are preventing me from even attempting to reach out to success.

And so…music.

It is my secret love. It is my secret hope. It brings joy to others when I share it with them, and a slew of questions about cd releases, upcoming shows, other songs I’ve written, and potential jam sessions. And I retort back with school troubles, lack of transportation, lack of inspiration, a need to actually phone people, and tiredness.

I want to be careful to not say too much, but I also want to say enough. I want to acknowledge where I am being a responsible adult and actually need to manage my time wisely, but I also want to acknowledge that there is more I can be doing and probably should be doing.

I don’t know if it’s even just with music. I’m sure I could be doing more with every aspect of my life. Basically, I need to put more faith in God and myself and actually try and seek out the things I want to do. Actually call venues and play more than two shows for the year. Actually finish recording my cd and sell it. Actually sing the songs that I write in my room for other people. Take a risk and actually do it.

Instead of remaining within the comfort of not failing by not trying for success.

I’ve been working on low level dream achievement. I put it on the side burners because I feel like I can’t handle it, like I need so much rest…but while I may have needed rest before, I think it’s finally time to step out and try. Try more.

Step one: Do everything I need to do today.

Step two: Do everything I want to do but put off.

Step three: Succeed.

So that was my post about how I plan to actually do something. It may not be my best post, and overtime I may realize that I’m already doing quite a lot, and maybe the something that I need to do is continue to be patient and work, but I’m letting my thoughts about future achievements exist here for a while. Here at least they’ll give me something to further think about, so that I can ponder whether I’ve become comfortable and frozen in a pattern that doesn’t actually help me grow, and think more on what I need to do to change it.

-cdukulele

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Posting for realzies!

I keep logging into my blog and start considering posting something, and I even get so far as clicking the little pencil and starting a draft, and then I get distracted and quit.

I still haven’t finished my post for when someone nominated me for some award…I think it was the Versatile Blogger or something. Anyway, I’m tired, and just finished chatting with some person via the computer, so now I’m gonna post, because tired posts written after midnight are always the best…

POSTING.

So…I have a month of grad school left, and then I’ve finished my second semester….I have to write a 15 page paper designing a course by Sunday….I’m getting a haircut tomorrow…and that is my life.

I’ve also been watching random t.v. shows on Netflix for like, multiple hours a night…a lot of Walking Dead.

Last night I dreamed I was pretty much in a floating house train, and their were zombies outside, and by the end of the dream I had killed one with a knife. I have violent dreams, and it’s mostly due to zombies, and I should probably stop watching old episodes of Walking Dead on Netflix, but oddly, it is how my mom and I bond. She makes comments about how stupid the characters are and how they shouldn’t go anywhere alone ever, and I agree with her and point out that no one dies for another episode at least. Yep.

That’s pretty much it. Sometimes on weekends I play a board games with my family, and sometimes I play ukulele. I haven’t written a new song that people have liked since October. You could say I shouldn’t care whether they like it, but 80% of the fun of playing ukulele and singing is performing for other people, and bringing them joy and happiness…So I like writing songs that other people appreciate and enjoy. Sure, I’ll play ukulele anyway, when I’m not in class or stressing about class, or mindlessly watching zombie shows to recover from the boring reality of my chosen future profession (or at least the horrible dullness of the classes for the profession), but being able to share my music with people is just an entirely different level from playing music by myself in my room. I enjoy it, it makes me happy, and when it seems to make other people happy it feels like I’m doing something worthwhile. Unlike watching Netflix, and sitting in my classes. But the classes are working towards a profession where I will help people learn English, and that is worthwhile, and the Netflix is merely fluffing between the work that gives me a chance to try to handle it all again….except for the sake of my sleep I should really switch to a show that is not horror themed.

Night.

– Catherine

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Family values

I want to get married and have babies and take care of them and love and protect them and raise them.

I totally will probably stop writing sappy love songs if I ever actually get into one of those relationships.

Something must be up with my hormones. They’re in the I want to be a mother mode.

It’s like when my sister turned twenty-something and started running around the house and updating facebook statuses with things like “I WANT BABIES”.

It’s crazy the things you’ll say. Except she was in that mode for a good three years, and I think she’s still in it, she’s just less vocal about it since she broke up with her fiancee…

Anyway, I’m also willing to adopt small humans or just volunteer to help them with homework. That works too.

I’m too poor and totally single to actually become a wife and mother right now.

It must have been that country singer at the concert last night. His little daughter came over to me before the show and started trying to strum my ukulele, and she was freakin’ adorable. Then he invited his wife to come up on stage and sing some songs with him, and it was beautiful.

I want that love, you know? I want that purpose and that commitment and responsibility to taking care of a life and sacrificing your own life for the good of others. Plus I’d get to hold precious children in my arms and love them.

I get to do that anyway, I mean, I always have the opportunity to love others and sacrifice for them, and with my number of nieces and nephews there are plenty of small children to love…But it’s different than actually having your own little family unit, and your own children, and your own house and people to take care of.

So yeah…I want my own family someday. Some little grouping of people who might think I’m crazy and whom I occasionally embarrass with my ukulele playing and stupid jokes, but who love me anyway, and who play ukulele too because I taught them when they were old enough to walk. …

Anyway, that was just my random want-to-be-a-mom rant. It might be a sign of my aging…I did just turn 24.

Happy Sunday.

-Cat

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School’s started

Which means I’m back, for who knows how long…Probably all semester. Now that I’m back to being stressed out on a weekly basis, I’ll have plenty of stuff to write about and plenty of procrastination time in which to do it.

This is good. Maybe this creativity will encourage the song-writing creativity which I have been a little lax on since before Christmas.

Plus I’ll be interacting with people more again, so I’ll be able to talk about that too…

Yes, school is definitely a good thing. If only I weren’t so paranoid about spending so much money and time on something that I may not ever want to do.

Too late now…Actually, I think I have a couple weeks before it’s really “too late”, but I mean, I don’t really know what else to do with my life and so far I’m surviving with my whole, M.A. TESOL plan, so maybe this will work out. Maybe I won’t break down into tears again like I possibly did once or thrice last semester and may or may not have done the night before classes this week.

Besides, what do tears mean anyway!? They’re merely a sign that I was completely overwhelmed by something, probably lack of sleep…Did I mention that I’m in communication with the guy that I completely broke off communication with before Halloween because of the inappropriate joke he sent me and the fact that he doesn’t quite comprehend me?

I’m sure that confusion about my future and confusion about my non-existent, unhealthy, confusing, complicated friendships, and lack of sleep all didn’t combine to create the tears the night before my first day of classes.

…It’s like, when it rains it pours.

Three months with nothing interesting, and then he shows up right when I have to figure out my life again and make sure I’m doing what I want to be doing as far as my education and career go.

So, school has started and Cdukulele’s life has gotten interesting again.

Being interesting is exhausting, I got to go finish my homework and sleep.

Night, my imaginary best friends and readers, please feel free to pray for me: like you probably were at some point, I’m not sure what to do with my life, or what to do about the member of the opposite sex who is talking to me and who I don’t understand and who doesn’t quite understand me but who I keep talking to anyway because I talk to people. I probably make my life more complicated than it is. Anyway, thanks for prayers and reading, God bless ya.

– Cdukulele

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NO MORE!

I deleted the other online dating account too! Right after I stalked the profile of someone who viewed my profile.

It’s all so creepy. I mean, maybe it’s not creepy for most people, but it just encourages my more stalkerish tendencies.

I mean, I already write love songs about guys, I don’t have to learn everything I know about them on the internet too…

Also, I think I have a tendency to over share with people when I write things.

When I speak I keep my words to a minimum. I don’t like talking. I sometimes trip over words. I talk really fast. I don’t say a lot. I think about what I say for long periods before I say it, and often I think about saying something for so long that sometimes I think I’ve said something aloud that I’ve only thought over in my mind again and again. I’m strange.

With writing, however, I say one thing, and then I figure I can say something else, and I kind of just…don’t stop.

But this is mostly just the case around new people and guys I have crushes on. I don’t talk to you in person, and then I chat up a storm on the internet.

I’m a nerd.

So, I deleted every online dating account. All two of them. Gone forever. Except I can reactivate them or create new ones with the click of a button and a cleverly worded introduction. But I’m not. NO. Totally not happening.

I will maintain control…and I will talk to people in person. Work on my people skills. Work on talking to the guys I like in person.

It will happen.

And someday…in the future…I will write a post, and it will contain something sane and happy about a relationship, and the relationship will consist of more than my hopes and dreams and will include a guy who I actually like who actually likes me, and some note about us spending quality time together and not solely communicating via technology…That may sound like a lot of qualifiers, but it WILL HAPPEN! Someday.

-cdukulele

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