I was just thinking about my friendships with various people, and how, I tend to start to become romantically interested in males that I spend large quantities of time with.
This, I think, is a standard thing. People become attracted to people that they spend time with.
That they share life experiences with.
Anyway, thinking upon this made me consider my other acquaintances, and the males in my life that I spend time with, but don’t find myself writing poems about.
I’m trying to figure out what puts these males in a different category than the ones that I become attracted to, and I think it’s utility.
We just happen to be at the same place in the same time, and if something were to change our friendships would dissolve too.
I’d like to think I’m always seeking friendships of virtue, but some people you just have to let drift out of your life.
Some people, you don’t need to be friends with. Some people are just people. You love them, you wish them the best, but they aren’t part of your life overall.
I want the guy who asked me to write a song about him to be part of my life overall…and it’s because he seems like the kind of guy who would care about someone for the rest of their life and always seek their good.
Plus he’s silly.
He’s not awkward.
He’s like, totally awkward, but in a purposeful way that really just makes everything less awkward because he knows exactly what he’s doing.
I started this post intent on talking about the guys I don’t write poems about, and now I’m back to the one I do write poems about.
I’m concerned because I seem to think so much of him, and I know why, but I’m afraid that those thoughts are just going to float away. Like the air they might be founded on.
I don’t like having feelings founded on air.
I don’t like liking someone based off of feelings.
I need my liking to be based off of more.
I need to love, and I want it to be rooted on something good.
He’s a nice guy. And that’s what it’s rooted on. And I want to be near the niceness.
Of course, all my other poems, where I felt so justified, were written on guys and friendships that were completely founded upon how a guy made me feel. This guy made me laugh. This guy needed me. This guy listened.
Any guy can make you laugh, need you, or listen…but can they love you? Can they seek your ultimate good?
Can they push you to do things outside of your comfort zone, for the good of yourself?
Get you to go to dinner with them and some friends.
Get you to leave the house and actually go pray.
Get you to do something instead of nothing.
Make you focus on others instead of just you?
I don’t even know if he does all that…He does much of that.
So I’d like to get to know him better.
I’m scared, I’m always scared of new things. I’m scared of my tendency to fall into romance with people who think little of me, and I’m scared of my tendency to focus so much on that that I’m blinded to all else.
I’m scared that I’ll take myself too seriously and not even see the treasure of the moment that’s right before me.
I’m scared of failure.
I’m scared of success.
But…right now, I don’t have to worry about any of those, because despite my whining and crying, God hasn’t given me anything I wasn’t ready for. God’s not making me deal with either success or failure. He’s not making me make any choices right now, except to wait. He’s giving me plenty of time.
And in that time, he’ll show me, he’ll guide me, he’s guiding me.
He’s helping me see what I need to see, and get where I need to go, to become the person I need to be, to become the best person I can be…and leading me towards whoever can help me do that.
While I was crying teardrops over my loneliness, and screaming out to him to give me exactly what I wanted in that moment, he was consoling me and gently saying, not yet, soon, but not yet, it’ll be perfect soon, you’ll be ready soon, but not yet. I’m getting everything ready, you’re becoming ready, everything is becoming more clear to you, but it takes time, you need time. And he was easing me into the situation, and giving me what I needed, hugging me and holding me, giving me what I needed to get me to the point where I could choose and have everything I really wanted, ultimately wanted, not just temporarily fluff, but substantial contentment.
I just have to be content in the moment and God’s grace and love.
I just have to do all I can do to be the best part of me, and keep allowing myself to be in good situations, keep growing, until I’m ready.
It’s not easy. Being patient is hardly ever easy… But it will be worth it.
Because God doesn’t make you rush into things. He helps you and waits for you to be ready.
I’m shouting to God about why he doesn’t give me what I want, and he’s looking at me with love saying, you don’t really want it yet.
He’s so right.
He’s giving me plenty of time to learn and decide, and in the meantime he’ll show me everything I need to know to make my choices.
Cuz he’s God, and he’s Awesome.
P.S. Yes, I went from talking about friendships to my crush to God. That’s just the way my mind goes, apparently.