Tag Archives: friendships

Ending something that never began.

It is kind of insulting to tell me I overthink things. I can’t really turn off my brain.

It’s probably better to tell me that I misunderstood what you just said or did, because how can I really overthink it?

I can think that your words mean more than you intend them to mean…but maybe you simply weren’t tactful enough.

Or maybe there are things that I want to hear so badly that I’ll misinterpret it.

Maybe I do overthink, overthink so that I feel better about everything.

I fail at relationships with the opposite sex. On the plus side, I prayed for answers and it seems pretty clear.

Clear cut, painfully so: give up on this one.

So that seems to be the way my life goes, destined for singlehood. Which means I really ought to give up the pursuit.

I tried to give it up, and then he just turned up in my life, with the words and actions that I overthought. A week can be a lifetime for a relationship.

Romeo and Juliet lived it.

Infatuation to its fullest.

With death and poison as its fruit.

It hurts so much and I wish I could turn off that part of the brain, but I had free time, and in the idle moment I was distracted by loneliness and his presence, and it was what I chose to spend my time on.

I should spend my time on better things.

There are so many better things to spend time on.

But I hate spending so much time alone.

 

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Perfect guy appear please.

The post under this title was a compilation of self-depreciating comments that did not befit the humor of the desperation of the title. It was composed on the first day of the month of St. Valentine, and basically fits the love-torn state of anyone completely alone romantically on that day.

Instead of sharing that original mixed up post with you all, I have begun composing one that is much better synthesized…if merely for the fact that it contains the word “synthesized”.

And to continue this post I will simply say that…I am tired of waiting, but I will keep waiting, because waiting is what I am best at, but I secretly fear that if “the right guy” came around I wouldn’t recognize him if I saw him, and maybe he is already here and I don’t know it. HOWEVER, that is just impatience taking hold of my ability to wait, which is still trying to tell me that everything happens in God’s time…But then I reflect upon how God works through people and maybe it’s my time to step up to the plate and TRY HARDER!

But I don’t know what to try harder at. Try harder at falling in love* with someone?

It’s so much work. It’s all: Hello, let’s be friends, let’s hang out, let’s interpret everything you say and do and figure out whether it indicates that you’re attracted to me, let’s not ask you whether you’re attracted to me, let’s give up on you because clearly I should know BY NOW whether you like me, let’s go back to you because maybe you’re just super shy and that’s not a bad thing, let’s keep evaluating all of our interactions like crazy, let’s continue to refer to my singular self as an “us” because you took no part in anything from hanging out onward that I know of.

…So then I go back to the whole – stop trying to fall in love and just be content with your life and try to be a good human being and simply love people, but then I don’t know how to simply love the people that I want to love me so much, so I end up ignoring them until I can’t anymore and then I send them messages asking them about their lives and then I wonder how on one hand I’m radio silence and on the other I’m desperate for communication and how it’s quite possible that I am the problem and I need to solve myself and not them.

So I’m waiting on the perfect version of me to appear, but that’s not happening in this lifetime, so I must simply strive towards perfection, and as anyone who has striven for that knows, IT IS TOUGH WORK!

It’s after midnight, my house is cold, I need to sleep and feel less lonely.

Sincerely,

Random person on the internet.

 

 

 

St. Jude, pray for us.

 

 

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Wherein I blog about my petty problems and loneliness:

Losing friends when you’re already literally losing friends sucks.

Like, I don’t know what I did or didn’t do to make you hate me.

Clearly, I need to stop putting myself on a pedestal of perfection wherein I can do no wrong.

Stop believing the people who say that everyone loves me.

Who goes around telling someone that everyone loves them anyway?

It’s not possible for everyone to love you.

An inflated ego results in loneliness.

I have so many friends but no one to spend time with.

It hurts.

How do I make myself more loveable?

And yet I can’t bow to society now…just when I’m discovering how much the world hates me once again. People don’t like friends who tell them they’re wrong.

I thought that’s what real friends did. Told you to your face to stop doing whatever messed up thing you’re doing.

…And now I’m so scared of losing all my other friendships that I don’t want to let anything go.

Slipping on eggshells and grasping at strings.

I miss…finding happiness in solid things that didn’t leave me every five seconds. I miss the security of being loved and wanted and knowing I was loved and wanted and it being enough.

Feeling like I’m losing one solid friendship makes me eager to hold on to all the others. I can’t handle losing her and everybody else.

I wish they understood my weak and feeble state.

The fact that I’m not a horrible friend or a horrible person, I’m just dealing with stuff less petty than their love problems right now and it makes me…a horrible friend and a horrible person.

Forgive me.

It’s too late now. I apologized and I can’t be perfection. I can’t be fully unselfish for them and fully unselfish for her.

When one friend is dying I guess I let my other friendships die.

Because I can be utterly alone, but I don’t want her to feel lonely.

Because if all I can do is be good enough for her, then I will choose the one dying over the ones who simply think their day to day dramas are matters of life and death.

So yes, I am not a good friend, not to them.

But to her I’m going to try hard as heck to be.

She doesn’t have  enough time left for me to waste my time and energy on people who don’t care.

I don’t have enough time.

So in being an amazing friend, I let myself become a horrible friend, and I lose both friendships, because she has cancer, and they’ll probably never forgive me.

Or just now, when it matters, they won’t, and they’ll leave me alone. So I’m left to deal with this utterly alone.

Which is totally fair.

Because it’s not their problem to deal with.

We were never that good friends to begin with.

I was just there. They were just there. Now the tragedy strikes and I want them back…but they won’t be around.

And I hurt.

But it’s little pain in the grand scheme of things.

Little pain, little loneliness, compared to so many.

So little…but it still hurts.

 

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I am here

Facing the reality of the fact that no matter how hard you try, you may fail sometime, and trying to figure out what you’re supposed to keep working toward and what you’re supposed to let go of is a lot of work.

It requires humility and strength of endurance that I do not always have. Sometimes it results in being overwhelmed by your own inadequacy, and being unable to try to hold on any more, and twenty minute sobbing sessions in your room where no one can see you.

Eventually loved ones find you and try to console you while you simply recognize the fact that you have no control over the situation and don’t want to be crying, and really don’t mean to be bothering them with your pain, but you just can’t handle the stress at the moment and you need to cry.

Then you get ready for bed, read a novel for four hours, and go to sleep thinking that at least your life is better than the character’s in the dystopian society, and at least you can enter a different world for four hours at a time, and step into the life of someone else, be it ever so briefly, and be okay. Not only be okay, but maybe grow stronger with the recognition that we all struggle as human beings, and nobody has everything under control, and that while you may be crying about a situation you see no way out of, the pain is temporary and ultimately, some way or another, it will be solved.

You are loved, and it will be okay.

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It was a date.

He picked me up, opened the car door for me, made reservations, paid for my meal, and dropped me back off at my house.

We might just be friends though. I don’t know. The concept of flirting is strange to me, and I kinda told him to stop doing it via texts and so he kinda stopped doing it entirely.

Plus if we date then I’ll be even more awkward and secretive when it comes to discussing my health, and I can’t handle dating people and being concerned about whether they’ll accept or reject me because I have a bone disease and OH NO, your kids might get it, or like, she might not be able to go on awesome four hour mountain hikes with you.

…I just want to be friends so that you accept me for how I am instead of only seeing what I’m not.

The horribly irony is that I want so much to be individually loved and wanted, and I keep writing poetry and songs that glorify romance, and I feel like I want it so much, but then when I come face to face with it, I’m terrified of my own faults being revealed and not being accepted for who I am once they know everything about me.

Plus there’s the whole, accepting them for who they are part.

I thought unrequited love was painful, but apparently being open in requited love can be just as tough.

Fudge.

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Take your time.

Aristotle.

I was just thinking about my friendships with various people, and how,  I tend to start to become romantically interested in males that I spend large quantities of time with.

This, I think, is a standard thing. People become attracted to people that they spend time with.

That they share life experiences with.

Anyway, thinking upon this made me consider my other acquaintances, and the males in my life that I spend time with, but don’t find myself writing poems about.

I’m trying to figure out what puts these males in a different category than the ones that I become attracted to, and I think it’s utility.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Aristotle.

We just happen to be at the same place in the same time, and if something were to change our friendships would dissolve too.

Hopefully not.

I’d like to think I’m always seeking friendships of virtue, but some people you just have to let drift out of your life.

Some people, you don’t need to be friends with. Some people are just people. You love them, you wish them the best, but they aren’t part of your life overall.

I want the guy who asked me to write a song about him to be part of my life overall…and it’s because he seems like the kind of guy who would care about someone for the rest of their life and always seek their good.

Plus he’s silly.

He’s not awkward.

He’s like, totally awkward, but in a purposeful way that really just makes everything less awkward because he knows exactly what he’s doing.

I started this post intent on talking about the guys I don’t write poems about, and now I’m back to the one I do write poems about.

I’m concerned because I seem to think so much of him, and I know why, but I’m afraid that those thoughts are just going to float away. Like the air they might be founded on.

I don’t like having feelings founded on air.

I don’t like liking someone based off of feelings.

I need my liking to be based off of more.

I need to love, and I want it to be rooted on something good.

He’s a nice guy. And that’s what it’s rooted on. And I want to be near the niceness.

Of course, all my other poems, where I felt so justified, were written on guys and friendships that were completely founded upon how a guy made me feel. This guy made me laugh. This guy needed me. This guy listened.

Any guy can make you laugh, need you, or listen…but can they love you? Can they seek your ultimate good?

Can they push you to do things outside of your comfort zone, for the good of yourself?

Get you to go to dinner with them and some friends.

Get you to leave the house and actually go pray.

Get you to do something instead of nothing.

Make you focus on others instead of just you?

I don’t even know if he does all that…He does much of that.

So I’d like to get to know him better.

I’m scared, I’m always scared of new things. I’m scared of my tendency to fall into romance with people who think little of me, and I’m scared of my tendency to focus so much on that that I’m blinded to all else.

I’m scared that I’ll take myself too seriously and not even see the treasure of the moment that’s right before me.

I’m scared of failure.

I’m scared of success.

But…right now, I don’t have to worry about any of those, because despite my whining and crying, God hasn’t given me anything I wasn’t ready for. God’s not making me deal with either success or failure. He’s not making me make any choices right now, except to wait. He’s giving me plenty of time.

And in that time, he’ll show me, he’ll guide me, he’s guiding me.
He’s helping me see what I need to see, and get where I need to go, to become the person I need to be, to become the best person I can be…and leading me towards whoever can help me do that.

While I was crying teardrops over my loneliness, and screaming out to him to give me exactly what I wanted in that moment, he was consoling me and gently saying, not yet, soon, but not yet, it’ll be perfect soon, you’ll be ready soon, but not yet. I’m getting everything ready, you’re becoming ready, everything is becoming more clear to you, but it takes time, you need time.  And he was easing me into the situation, and giving me what I needed, hugging me and holding me, giving me what I needed to get me to the point where I could choose and have everything I really wanted, ultimately wanted, not just temporarily fluff, but substantial contentment.

I just have to be content in the moment and God’s grace and love.
I just have to do all I can do to be the best part of me, and keep allowing myself to be in good situations, keep growing, until I’m ready.

It’s not easy. Being patient is hardly ever easy… But it will be worth it.

Because God doesn’t make you rush into things. He helps you and waits for you to be ready.

I’m shouting to God about why he doesn’t give me what I want, and he’s looking at me with love saying, you don’t really want it yet.

He’s so right.

He’s giving me plenty of time to learn and decide, and in the meantime he’ll show me everything I need to know to make my choices.

Cuz he’s God, and he’s Awesome.

-Cdukulele

P.S. Yes, I went from talking about friendships to my crush to God. That’s just the way my mind goes, apparently.

 

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You like him!

MAN. I was on the last sentence of my lovely little post update about life, when I clicked some stupid button by accident and it all disappeared.

What was I talking about:

Another one of my friends (I will call her Shannon) somehow figured out that I have a crush on Christopher. After asking me several questions on the topic and getting me to admit it after shouting out that I liked him, she later said “I think you have a chance with him”. She followed up this statement with evidence about how he seemed disappointed that I wasn’t at the last event that she saw him at, and how he said that she must be a nice person because Catherine has nice friends. It was something like that.

I brushed these statements off by explaining that Christopher was just an extraordinarily kind person who would have missed anybody who wasn’t there and that he likes everybody, and has no personal preference for myself. Shannon didn’t respond to that, and instead asked me if I thought that Luke might be interested in her. I cannot read Luke at all, and after having spent last summer chatting with him for hours over the course of a couple weeks, I have no idea how he feels about anything, so I basically told her that no, I couldn’t tell – because I couldn’t.

That was the end of our conversation for the night, because it was just about 1am and I was driving her home, but it might have been one of the most interesting portions of the night. Besides the four hours we spent at Luke’s work, waiting for him to be done with his shift, and then driving off together to get ice cream and talking about theology until the ice cream shop closed.
Last night was also the second time Luke asked me whether there was anyone special in my life. The first time was a couple months ago at a bar, when Shannon first met Luke, and we had all gone to a concert together. We were sitting at a table packed with people and Luke was talking to me and asked that question, which I tried to ignore. Then he asked me again and I said no, he acted shocked, and I changed the topic. Last night he asked Shannon and I both that question as we sat around the table at the ice cream shop, and it seemed less awkward and like it could have more potentially been an innocent question rather than him testing the waters. I don’t know.

Hopefully Shannon and Luke work something out so that I don’t think people are falling for me, and they can both be happy. Then I can be left to playing my ukulele songs while I day-dream about Christopher.

Time for homework.

-cdukulele

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