Tag Archives: friends!

Lower that Bar!

A female friend and I went out with two of our guy friends the other night (I’ll name them Mike and Don), and because these guys are particularly unafraid of awkward conversations and ever dwelling on their own singlehood, Don suddenly asked my friend and I why we weren’t married yet.

We didn’t have much to say in response to that, other than the usual “Haven’t met ‘The One'”, (even though neither of us is really idealistically holding out for a “soul mate” so much as someone who cares as much about their soul getting to heaven), and then Don attempted to go on a tirade about women being too picky.

I pointed out that he was older than us and unwed, and then he tried to start using the biological clock argument to put the blame back on us, followed by his own claim that he was never getting married after I told him to mind his own business and stop talking about our ovaries. Apparently he hasn’t found “the one” either, because no woman can appreciate his rich sense of humor, but it doesn’t matter if he’s unwed as much because we’re women, and we’re the ones who have the time limit on finding true love.

The message of the night: If you’re a woman you have to not be so picky about who you are going to marry, because you MUST have kids before that clock runs out! If you’re a man, it’s totally acceptable to be single and brood about it all your life, because no woman really understands you.


#biological clock
#I don’tknow how to use hashtags




Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing

Poem to Friendship

Is it a mistake to wake and take

a moment to send a message,

a note I wrote,

merely, to tell you

Thank you

and you’re sweet,

and you’re kind,

and God bless?

Because I was thinking about it and every other male “friend” managed to add to my life a pile of stress,

and you just are…and are so nicely.

Quietly listen, listen politely.

Don’t barrage me with words or try to indict me

in an entitled way

measuring all the words I did or didn’t say.

You just are and take me in,

you’re just sweet, truly a friend,

and I appreciate it and you,

I value it, I really do.

So, thank you.


Now the message’s sent,

you’ve read it, it’s gone, I don’t repent

because you’re all kindness in words and deed,

you deserved to see it, to know and let it feed

your  goodness, your friendship, and to continue,

in being amazing, in being you.






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Filed under General Poems, Various writing

Reading til 5am.

I decided to be courageous, and I sent out an e-mail inquiring about a full-time job for the next school year. I feel partially crazy for doing it, but the other part of me recognizes that despite the fact that grad school can be overwhelming,  I spend a great deal of my time outside of class with nothing to do, and when I have nothing to do I wind up wasting a lot of time on trivial things…like thinking about romance. I figure I could at least attempt to reallocate some of my daydreaming time over to actually earning money and building up my resume.

I haven’t gotten a response to that e-mail yet, which I sent based off the recommendation of a friend, but I guess I can start worrying after a full business day has passed.

In other news, it’s summer and my attempts to not dwell on non-existent romantic relationships resulted in three nights of me staying up until sunrise reading. I seem to have this deluded belief that finishing a book in under twenty-four hours makes me successful, when it really just makes me anti-social because I spend most of the daylight hours asleep and pondering what book I will buy and read next. If that’s my measurement of success, then…I finished 3 books! I don’t know what that means.


Until the next time I remember this blog exists and I feel a desperate need to share some thoughts,





Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing

Sad tea-cups

…are those with almond milk in them instead of real milk.

Also, 5 minutes after posting my update about my friend with cancer having a smaller tumor, I got a text from her asking me to pray for her because she was in the worst pain yet. At two am, after I’d gotten two hours of sleep and inexplicably woke up, she contacted me again and we talked and she seemed to be better. I then stayed up til some crazy hour, and then woke up and had a fairly pleasant day. Knowing your friend is not as bad off as she was right before you went to bed that night has a way of making days better.

In other totally non-consequential news:

I might have gone on two dates with two different guys in the last two weeks, but nobody ever calls anything a date anymore so I really have no idea, but I kind of think one of the guys almost tried to kiss me judging by the strange pause at the end of the night just after we arrived at my car and took out my keys to leave. That would definitely put the second hang out in the “date” category, but the pause could have also simply been awkwardness. Who knows? I definitely don’t.
When you don’t go around kissing people you have no idea when you are in a kissing-people situation or not.

That’s my life.

P.S. Continued prayers for my friend are appreciated. Prayers for all totally confused young people who don’t know if they are on dates or not are also appreciated.

P.P.S. I have no idea how to balance talking about my feelings about my friend with cancer with my feelings about the rest of my life, as they are completely different segments of my life. However, the way life works is that everything just kinda gets shoved together and it is your life, and sometimes, 60-70 years later, you look back on it and maybe you see patterns, and then you write nice little uniform books about the experiences, or maybe sell the movie rights or whatever…But that doesn’t happen in the middle of the experience, when everything is happening at once and you don’t know what’s important and what’s not besides what you think about it in the moment. It is from this disjointed reality that my blog posts are born. In fifty to sixty years maybe I’ll write a book. For now you get the mess to make sense or nonsense of all on your own. Have fun!




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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Update, God is Good!

My friend with cancer’s tumor has shrunk.

It’s wonderful news.

She keeps saying that my prayers are the reason for it.

I have no idea what God is up to and how much he’s working through me, but I’ll take it.

Thank you for your prayers too.


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Filed under Various writing

From a Saturday night in January…

In twelve minutes I go on another date. But I don’t think it’s even a date, because he’s bringing a friend of his for unknown reasons.

But as I merely invited him to go out for some tea, due to the wrenching loneliness in my heart that results when one friend is dying from cancer and you can’t seem to locate any of your other friends in the nearby vicinity, I don’t really care.

I am happy to merely be with people.

For a split moment did it feel like I wasn’t good enough just myself for him, like he didn’t really want to hang out with me and he invited his guy friend to avoid the paralyzing torture that merely hanging out with me alone would induce…But then I brushed that feeling away as I recollected that he was the one that suggested we go out today when my invitation to go out yesterday was rejected.

So now he’s bringing a friend.

Definitely not a date.

And with two minutes on the clock, I just received a text alerting me that he is almost here.

So not only did he reject my first offer to hang out, but he’s bringing a friend, and he’s going to be late.

Winning on all fronts.

I should just give up now.

With my hyper-criticism.

My hyper-negativity.

Ironically recalling how when he first met me he mentioned how he needed to hang out with more “positive people”, people like me.

Attempting to live up to that stereotype that he instilled within our first five minutes of meeting.

Writing sentences with no subject that force the reader to guess that all of the previous sentences were incomplete clauses that would more properly begin with the words “I am”.

I break grammar rules all the time.

But that’s a side note.

Back to the main topic.

He’s two minutes late and I got to get over it.

Because if I’m going to attempt to make any new friends…I’m going to have to give them some time to prove themselves.


Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing

I am here

Facing the reality of the fact that no matter how hard you try, you may fail sometime, and trying to figure out what you’re supposed to keep working toward and what you’re supposed to let go of is a lot of work.

It requires humility and strength of endurance that I do not always have. Sometimes it results in being overwhelmed by your own inadequacy, and being unable to try to hold on any more, and twenty minute sobbing sessions in your room where no one can see you.

Eventually loved ones find you and try to console you while you simply recognize the fact that you have no control over the situation and don’t want to be crying, and really don’t mean to be bothering them with your pain, but you just can’t handle the stress at the moment and you need to cry.

Then you get ready for bed, read a novel for four hours, and go to sleep thinking that at least your life is better than the character’s in the dystopian society, and at least you can enter a different world for four hours at a time, and step into the life of someone else, be it ever so briefly, and be okay. Not only be okay, but maybe grow stronger with the recognition that we all struggle as human beings, and nobody has everything under control, and that while you may be crying about a situation you see no way out of, the pain is temporary and ultimately, some way or another, it will be solved.

You are loved, and it will be okay.


Filed under Cdukulele's life.