I am afraid of my bones
when I need them most
dragging me down
so I’m barely a ghost
unable to move
because they are rock
so I can’t see, hear, or talk.
I am afraid of my future
the world unknown,
what will happen when
I’m older but not much more grown,
when it’s time to be ready
and I’m not ready in time
I’m afraid of the future, I’m afraid of dying.
I’m afraid of failure,
I’m afraid of breaking,
I’m afraid of missing out by chances not taking,
I’m afraid of loneliness,
I’m afraid of greed,
I’m afraid of not having all that I’ll need.
I’m afraid of myself – not being enough,
taking the parts and not having the stuff
to make it through to be the best I can be,
I’m afraid of myself, failing me.
I am afraid
and it makes me cry, makes me huddle together, rock back and forth, sigh.
It makes me stare into space and question my plans, makes me shiver and fumble and squeeze my hands.
I am afraid
and it makes me weak. Makes me tired of listening and not willing to speak. Makes me want to give up, stop trying, not go on – makes me crumble and tumble headlong, from minute to minute, day to day, lost in the current of not being okay, insecure, unwise, alone, and unmade, fearing that no one will come to my aide, wanting someone to tell me to not be afraid.
I pause and reflect, my memories recollect, the answer I’ve heard, sung word by word…”Be not afraid, I go before you always, come follow me, and I will give you rest”.
My heart calms, I still have qualms, but they’re soothed by psalms, and with a belief that the ONE loves me… perhaps I can be free.