Tag Archives: fear

Fear

I am afraid of my bones

betraying me

when I need them most

dragging me down

so I’m barely a ghost

unable to move

because they are rock

choking me

so I can’t see, hear, or talk.

I am afraid of my future

the world unknown,

what will happen when

I’m older but not much more grown,

when it’s time to be ready

and I’m not ready in time

I’m afraid of the future, I’m afraid of dying.

I’m afraid of failure,

I’m afraid of breaking,

I’m afraid of missing out by chances not taking,

I’m afraid of loneliness,

I’m afraid of greed,

I’m afraid of not having all that I’ll need.

I’m afraid of myself – not being enough,

taking the parts and not having the stuff

to make it through to be the best I can be,

I’m afraid of myself, failing me.

I am afraid

and it makes me cry, makes me huddle together, rock back and forth, sigh.

It makes me stare into space and question my plans, makes me shiver and fumble and squeeze my hands.

I am afraid

and it makes me weak. Makes me tired of listening and not willing to speak. Makes me want to give up, stop trying, not go on – makes me crumble and tumble headlong, from minute to minute, day to day, lost in the current of not being okay, insecure, unwise, alone, and unmade, fearing that no one will come to my aide, wanting someone to tell me to not be afraid.

I pause and reflect, my memories recollect, the answer I’ve heard, sung word by word…”Be not afraid, I go before you always, come follow me, and I will give you rest”.

 

My heart calms, I still have qualms, but they’re soothed by psalms, and with a belief that the ONE loves me… perhaps I can be free.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under General Poems

Putting things in Perspective

Life is good.

I’m working on the developing meaningful friendships with people of the opposite sex, and everyone really, and not being so obsessive.

I’m working really slowly, but I’m working on it.

I’m kind of critical of myself and paranoid about what others think of me sometimes. I think that a lot of what they do or don’t do is directly related to some fault of mine. I should stop thinking that way. It’s not healthy, because I can really only control myself and I probably have very little negative influence on these people, if any at all, and if it is there, then it’s probably nothing I can control.

But I tend to think I can control it, and want to control it, because I want to be accepted and approved of.

I don’t know why.

Maybe it’s because I feel so dependent upon others and so unable to really take care of myself, like without people I would be very badly off, and so I want them to approve of me and like me so that I feel safe and secure, because I don’t trust me to take care of me.

And I don’t trust me to take care of me because physically my body still can’t handle as much as a “healthy” person (or so I think), and mentally I’m afraid of something breaking or going wrong and being completely dependent upon others again, especially because the need for neurosurgery came out of nowhere, the neck breaking happened just as I was getting better, and I’m still not confident I’m completely recovered / I expect something else to go wrong.

But nothing should go wrong.

But something could go wrong.

So I obsess about finding people to support and take care of me as insurance against the possibility that I will be helpless and alone.

But life is going good…because…I’m finding people I think I can depend on? People who tell me to stop thinking so negatively. People who give me a slightly more positive outlook, not only in the realm of having people to depend on, but in the realm of actually being able to take care of myself at some point, and that everything will be okay.

Life is good because there are people in my life reminding me that it can be good. Reminding me that I should have a little faith, I can have a little faith.

That it will be okay.

That I’ll get through it, and I won’t be alone, and that I will be able to take care of myself.

Then again I could be struck by lightening tomorrow. That’d be bad…But that’d also be incredibly unlikely, as most of the negative things I dwell on probably are, so I should focus again on trusting in God and trusting in him working through me.

And that is how my mind works, think of something small, go to the extreme of blowing it out of proportion, go back to seeing it in the correct view, calm down.

It will be okay, and it is okay.

Peace and love to you.

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Already feeling homesick…

I haven’t even left the house yet.

I do not know why I feel this way.

Perhaps it’s because I really hate airplane flights?

Well, I mean, I kind of dislike all traveling in general, but right at this moment, I really don’t want to leave.

I’m downloading songs on my Ipod, hoping that will give me some connection to home.

I don’t even know what I’m missing or think I’ll be missing.

Life?

Missing whatever is going to be happening here, without me?

It’s only two little weeks. What is wrong with me…?

 

It’s fear of the flight. That’s what it is. I don’t want to be on the airplane alone, with my pain.

The pathetic pain that’s always there but does really nothing at all, unless I’m stuck on an airplane by myself, sitting upright, and forced to think about it.

So I’m bringing Ibuprofen and music, a book and something soft to roll up and put behind my back, and some medication from post surgery that hasn’t expired yet…

The shuttle picks me up in 27 minutes.

Then I have to deal with the pain…and the sleep deprivation (I really tried to sleep).

I just really hope that I can ignore it.

Because I really have to see my friend.

I can’t stay here.

I don’t want to leave.

 

But I’m going to.

 

The pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change…I hope.

 

 

– Catherine

 

Goodnight. Good morning. Goodbye. In this somber mood I’m going to go get ready and head to the airport. If my Mother was here she’d tell me that I’m so gloomy because I need to sleep, and everything will be better in the morning.

She’d be half right, but I always get annoyed when I’m told that my feelings are merely a result of sleep deprivation…and it’s too late for me to sleep now anyway.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Vulnerability

I’ve never been in a real relationship.

Is this why I am so touchy anytime a guy says something the least bit critical of me or my choices?

When he’s like, perhaps you shouldn’t do this or that….or stay up until crazy hours and then sleep during the day, I kind of feel like he has no idea what he’s talking about (Except, according to the quick internet search I just bothered to make, he may technically have some points about that.) I feel like he doesn’t know me super personally and doesn’t know enough to tell me things when he’s concerned about my well being… Of course, he’d know more about me if I just told him.

But telling leaves you vulnerable. Vulnerability allows for pain. And I’ve already experienced more than I ever want of pain.

So I’ll just stay here and dwell on my petty little problems and not ever open up to anyone, and be ridiculously hurt when someone offers simple, harmless advice.

That’s great.

It’s probably a good thing that none of my other crushes ever liked me before.

 

 

 

-cdukulele

 

 

2 Comments

Filed under Cdukulele's life., Cdukulele's love life.

Maybe I shouldn’t have done that…

I stayed up until 5am reading the old messages between me and that guy I really really had a huge crush on, who I named John (for anonymity).

I mean, I really wouldn’t have done that, except I couldn’t sleep…and my leg started cramping, and I just kept rolling around in my bed and thinking.

So then I went on my phone and just read stuff.

Checked my religious based dating account.

Saw that I had a new message.

Took an interview.

Began to miss John because I feel like I’m not worthy of the guys who like me on that site.

Then I went to the messages…and I read them…for two hours.

It took two hours to read through our entire friendship from the last month and a half.

It made me laugh, and at the end, it made me think that maybe things were okay.

I sounded like half a normal person through our entire communication, even after I told him I liked him, and we seemed like friends.

It was friendly conversation.

Perhaps I stepped over the line by reading the entire history of our conversations together on my phone in one night…But the only ones who know I did that are You and me. …And I won’t do it again….

EVIL CAT OF DEATH IS OUTSIDE MY HOUSE! HISSING AT MY CAT THROUGH THE GLASS DOOR! NOOOOOOO!!!!

Bully cat. Sorry, had to go take care of that.

But I guess I should probably go now. Now that I’ve admitted to you all what a creeper I am.

I also totally just sent him a message.

Gah.

Goodbye my readers. I’ll speak to you again soon. Maybe we can discuss how I don’t think I’m worthy of all the guys on the dating site I’m on because they want to get married and have bundles of children and I don’t know if I can have kids.

At least with John…with “secular” (please don’t be offended by the term, I literally mean people who aren’t religious, is that even an offensive term?) people, with guys…I don’t feel like I’ve failed them automatically by being a girl with a rare disease and crazy bones who is afraid of having kids and doesn’t know whether she can have them. Which is kind of ridiculous. Why would it be better for me to date a guy who’s just after my body than a guy who wants to start a family?

…I don’t even know.

Some people tell me I think too much.

But some things you can’t help but think about.

I don’t like this continuous feeling of failure in respects to all things romance related. Even just friendship related.

I should go on  a retreat.

Something.

Something.

Okay, bye.

– cdukulele

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Cdukulele's life., Cdukulele's love life.

The dryer is running, and other things in my life.

It’s Sunday. Happy Sunday. A day of coffee drinking and cake eating, and heck, why not throw some chocolate in there while I’m at it?

That covers the spiritual, moving on…

Physical, emotional, literal? Friendships, love, happiness, family?
What to talk about…

My body. Still hurts from nerve damage. Today, or I mean, yesterday, I stood up from the couch and my entire head started to get fuzzy and then my legs began to feel weighted down. This happens from time to time. Then the backs of my thighs started throbbing in pain, and my head began to ache. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a sign that my surgery went wrong and now I’m going to die from a spinal fluid pop or something. I know simultaneously too much and too little about my illness and the subsequent surgery to know what’s up. I figure I’m fine. I’m too exhausted to think about it. Things aren’t as bad as they were back when my neck broke, so I figure there’s nothing serious…I hope…and if there is, what are they going to do, another surgery? No way, sir. My body is still recovering from that last one. Anyway, I think it was all just from standing up too quickly…But I worry.

My emotions. The guy. The guy who I nick-named John. I just. It hurts, you know? When you have no friends and your only choice of things to dwell on is whether you think you might die at any moment, or whether that a guy you code-named John likes you, you tend to choose the latter. But both tend to be painful. That guy John sure makes you happy sometimes though. You just wish you made him happy. And that you weren’t that annoying chick who keeps talking to him.

My work. I’m employed, so I could also be thinking about that, but I work every day next week, so the week seems like a good time to think about that, and not now. At least I’m blessed with a job that requires me to think, and doesn’t require me to sit at a desk.

…My neck is starting to ache now, so I’m going to end this. I wrote a two paragraph rant about work, and erased it and rewrote different things about work over and over, and now I’m exhausted.

 

Goodnight. Good morning. Thanks for reading, thanks for visiting, thanks for following, thanks for liking any of my poems or my writings. Thanks for feedback and comments and caring, or even just responding so that people see your name and thus your blog, as long as whatever you say isn’t literally : “READ MY BLOG”. I mean, by all means, mention your blog or whatever you want to mention, but please at least acknowledge the fact that you’ve read whatever it is that you’re supposedly commenting on. I get so excited when I have comments…and so disappointed when all they are is advertisements of other blogs. SPEAK TO ME. Please. I like speaking back.

8 Comments

Filed under Cdukulele's life.

I’d rather not risk

I’d rather not risk
this week hold of a wisp
of friendship, that I grasp with two arms
while trying to disarm
any part of you that doubts me,
I’d rather not.

So I’ll laugh instead,
and keep this love inside my head,
and try not to tell you that I honestly can’t stop thinking about you,
and everything you are and do,
makes me hold on more.

If I didn’t fear
losing you here
and being never again near
that soft voice and the light melody of your words as you sing, as you talk,
the way you breathe, blink, and walk;
If I wasn’t so afraid
of losing all this friendship I think we’ve made,
then I’d tell you.

Tell you that I love your voice when you talk,
your arms when you walk,
how you exist and just are round-the-clock;
how I love everything from your toes to your hair,
and mainly how I love just being near
you.

But I don’t, because it’s just me,
and I’d sound crazy.
And it’s better to be your friend,
than to lose you and have everything
end.

3 Comments

Filed under Love Poems