Tag Archives: faith

Moving On…

So, it’s Sunday, I’ve had a relaxing day – I slept in, had a mocha, enjoyed a satisfying if not particularly healthy breakfast, and I blocked my ex on social media.

Not because I hate him, I don’t hate him, but because I kept seeing his name pop up and it would stab me in the heart a little bit, and I do not need to be able to stalk my ex on the internet.

Sometimes it’s necessary to cut someone out of your life entirely so that you can both heal, grow, and move on.

I want that for us. I want us to be healthy and mature apart from each other.

And it just hurts too much right now to have him be so inaccessibly accessible in my life.

In other news, the rest of my life is going okay. There are definitely hurdles, everyone has problems…but I actually got a full night of sleep last night, and I think I might be able to do something good with my life and maybe live for others a bit.

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well, and that you have the strength when you need it to make the decisions that will help you be the best version of yourself that you can be…Even if the decision seems as trite as not having access to a certain person on social media.

 

Love and prayers for you all, dear readers.

Happy almost All Saints Day.

-Cdukulele

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Sad tea-cups

…are those with almond milk in them instead of real milk.

Also, 5 minutes after posting my update about my friend with cancer having a smaller tumor, I got a text from her asking me to pray for her because she was in the worst pain yet. At two am, after I’d gotten two hours of sleep and inexplicably woke up, she contacted me again and we talked and she seemed to be better. I then stayed up til some crazy hour, and then woke up and had a fairly pleasant day. Knowing your friend is not as bad off as she was right before you went to bed that night has a way of making days better.

In other totally non-consequential news:

I might have gone on two dates with two different guys in the last two weeks, but nobody ever calls anything a date anymore so I really have no idea, but I kind of think one of the guys almost tried to kiss me judging by the strange pause at the end of the night just after we arrived at my car and took out my keys to leave. That would definitely put the second hang out in the “date” category, but the pause could have also simply been awkwardness. Who knows? I definitely don’t.
When you don’t go around kissing people you have no idea when you are in a kissing-people situation or not.

That’s my life.

P.S. Continued prayers for my friend are appreciated. Prayers for all totally confused young people who don’t know if they are on dates or not are also appreciated.

P.P.S. I have no idea how to balance talking about my feelings about my friend with cancer with my feelings about the rest of my life, as they are completely different segments of my life. However, the way life works is that everything just kinda gets shoved together and it is your life, and sometimes, 60-70 years later, you look back on it and maybe you see patterns, and then you write nice little uniform books about the experiences, or maybe sell the movie rights or whatever…But that doesn’t happen in the middle of the experience, when everything is happening at once and you don’t know what’s important and what’s not besides what you think about it in the moment. It is from this disjointed reality that my blog posts are born. In fifty to sixty years maybe I’ll write a book. For now you get the mess to make sense or nonsense of all on your own. Have fun!

 

 

 

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Putting things in Perspective

Life is good.

I’m working on the developing meaningful friendships with people of the opposite sex, and everyone really, and not being so obsessive.

I’m working really slowly, but I’m working on it.

I’m kind of critical of myself and paranoid about what others think of me sometimes. I think that a lot of what they do or don’t do is directly related to some fault of mine. I should stop thinking that way. It’s not healthy, because I can really only control myself and I probably have very little negative influence on these people, if any at all, and if it is there, then it’s probably nothing I can control.

But I tend to think I can control it, and want to control it, because I want to be accepted and approved of.

I don’t know why.

Maybe it’s because I feel so dependent upon others and so unable to really take care of myself, like without people I would be very badly off, and so I want them to approve of me and like me so that I feel safe and secure, because I don’t trust me to take care of me.

And I don’t trust me to take care of me because physically my body still can’t handle as much as a “healthy” person (or so I think), and mentally I’m afraid of something breaking or going wrong and being completely dependent upon others again, especially because the need for neurosurgery came out of nowhere, the neck breaking happened just as I was getting better, and I’m still not confident I’m completely recovered / I expect something else to go wrong.

But nothing should go wrong.

But something could go wrong.

So I obsess about finding people to support and take care of me as insurance against the possibility that I will be helpless and alone.

But life is going good…because…I’m finding people I think I can depend on? People who tell me to stop thinking so negatively. People who give me a slightly more positive outlook, not only in the realm of having people to depend on, but in the realm of actually being able to take care of myself at some point, and that everything will be okay.

Life is good because there are people in my life reminding me that it can be good. Reminding me that I should have a little faith, I can have a little faith.

That it will be okay.

That I’ll get through it, and I won’t be alone, and that I will be able to take care of myself.

Then again I could be struck by lightening tomorrow. That’d be bad…But that’d also be incredibly unlikely, as most of the negative things I dwell on probably are, so I should focus again on trusting in God and trusting in him working through me.

And that is how my mind works, think of something small, go to the extreme of blowing it out of proportion, go back to seeing it in the correct view, calm down.

It will be okay, and it is okay.

Peace and love to you.

 

 

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Poem: Wading through thorns.

“I appreciate you” I say pointlessly, while my hormones are raging, and I allow them to force me to speak this momentarily overwhelming stupid thought, that is half honesty, out of an attempt to make you communicate something more toward me. Communicate. With me.

Heart pounding and I see you smile and just want to wrap my arms around you, wrap your arms around me, be warm and soft and held tight like you love me.

Cursing these hormones and these thoughts and hopes that are built on short bouts of laughter and glances from your dark, beautiful eyes.

You stare a lot, and I don’t know what you communicate, but you set my heart on fire and it won’t seem to go out.

Glances and smiles with those beautiful eyes and beautiful cheeks and beautiful teeth gleaming white, perfectly set in a smiling mouth.

You are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are attractive and every physical part of me wants to be closer to you, and I’m at war with myself, mind over matter, because the matter is trying to take over and I’m starting to lose my mind.

I don’t want to lose my mind.

Because mentally, oh beautifully attractive one, mentally I know it is not time. Mentally, oh captivating heartthrob, causer of my heartbeats and blackouts of mind, mentally, I know that this is more overwhelming infatuation than love. This is more biological than rational, this is more instinct than instance, this is more me wanting to be loved than me loving, and I can’t have that.

I can’t have this.

I repel that desire for objectification, no matter the momentary elation of that satiation of desire, I repel that instant gratification, that short term duration of feeling, built on matter fleeting, of feeding that burning fire
that burns without purpose except to excite, that burns with heat but gives no great light, that burns to consume and exhaust and deplete, I reject that sterile and empty feat.
I reject the unwholesome consumption of you, crumbling your beauty not loving you through, I reject that notion that hearts can’t be tamed, that we can go on and on and not be blamed, I reject this notion, this desire to obtain, I reject these thoughts that leave love lame, I reject the dampening of Purity’s gleam, ruining her waters, defiling a stream of love, of goodness, of truth and joy, of happiness and beauty and all we employ when deeply and truly loving each other, I reject the bad and will accept no other love – except a love that is true, a love that loves every aspect of you.

I will fight for the truth and a heart that embraces
you and every single one of your faces,
you when you’re broken and you when you’re down,
you when you’re silent and when you make no sound,
you when you’re shouting and singing for joy,
you when you’re manly, or when you feel like a boy,
you when you need me and you when you don’t,
you when you help me and you when you won’t,
to love you despite, in addition, and because,
to love you for reasons that were, are, and was,
I will fight for a love that embraces all things that make you more holy and through which God brings us closer to him and to each other, deeper in love with him and one another.

I will fight for the Love he provides with no mercy.
I will fight for the Love he provides til I’m worthy
to have you, to hold you, to love you, a man,
I will fight to love you and try til I can.

You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and once that beauty was all I could see, blinded by the gift of sight, couldn’t see the soul surrounded in light. You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and I will try to love that beauty, love and respect and pray for and wait, and melt the lust that’s hiding self-hate. You are beautiful, you reflect perfection, and I will wait until God points me in the right direction. You are beautiful and my heart reaches for you, but it will stay still until I ever say “I do”.

Thank you Lord, for the beauty in the world, and please protect the heart of this awestruck girl.

AMEN.

 

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Pray and Love.

I haven’t posted for ten days, and my last post was on such a deep important issue that it’s hard for me to go back to the unimportant basics of my day.

It’s not hard for my mind to wander back to thinking about myself and my own problems, my own self-love and lack of superior concentration had me doing that within several minutes of composing that post…But thinking about it and writing about it are two different things. What justice is there in me talking about myself and my problems when there is so much suffering in the world? What justice is there in me writing about anything but that which is most important?

There may not be any justice in it…Unfortunately, I am not skilled and I am not perfect and I am not that dedicated. There are people who devote their time and their lives to writing about only important issues in the world, and philsophies, and such…and I…I am not one of them.

Sometimes I dabble…Like we all do…But it’s easy to throw in your two cents, a lot harder to dedicate a dollar.

I don’t know if I even have a dollar.

My thoughts on the issue so far…I’m not knowledgeable enough on the topic to give my thoughts.

I don’t want to give my thoughts.

I’m in this blog to vent and run away from my problems.

Not contemplate serious issues.

But now I’ve already thrown out my thoughts on a serious issue and it seems hard to walk away from.

I believe in God. I pray for Paris. I want people to love and take care of people, and I want people to be safe and protected.

I want life and love to be given a chance.

Speaking of which, babies are cute, and also, they are tiny humans.

Fetuses may not be as cute, but they are still tiny humans.

Zygotes may not have terms of endearment attached to them, but again, they are their own little humans. Unless it’s like a sheep zygote, in which case it’s a tiny sheep. At any rate, a zygote is the cell formed when two gametes/sex cells meet, and has it’s own tiny set of DNA making it it’s own unique self which has never existed and will never exist again. It’s entirely unique.

Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t mean it’s not important.

Just because they haven’t been born yet/don’t look like what you think a human should look like, doesn’t mean they aren’t valuable.

And there ends my post.

Love everyone, including the human zygotes.

 

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I will Pray for Paris.

I believe in a Creator of the universe who always existed, and being perfect, and loving so much, his love could not be contained and resulted in Creation coming to be as something outside of himself, created by his love.

I believe that this Creator, out of his supreme perfection, made the crown of this creation like himself, and gave human beings the capability to choose to love him, rather than compelling them to love him without choice, because real LOVE is an active choice of the will, to continuously strive for the good, and choose the good.

From these two religious beliefs spring the beliefs I have about life and how it should be lived, and what is required of me as an individual to remain true to my Creator and loving him. From the belief that we were created out of love comes the belief that we are created to love. From the belief that we must choose to love, comes the acceptance that sometimes people choose not to love, and the recognition that free will allows for both the beauty of choosing the right way, and the pain of choosing the wrong.

I have beliefs and I practice a religion. The more questions you ask me about my faith, the more I will attempt to explain the little parts of it and the reasoning behind it, the more I will try to explain how my love of God results in a love of my religion which only exists to show me how to best love my neighbor.

I suppose my love of neighbor can best be summed up as the following:

Treating my neighbor like they were created by the same love that created me and not harming them in any way.

And that is key to my religion. As part of my religion I pray, for myself and for my neighbor. I pray for the strength to love better, for guidance, and I pray for the world and that people can see the love of God in their lives and live it out more deeply.

Do not tell me that religion is the problem. Do not tell me that people hate each other because of religion, that without religion everything would be fine. Because yes, people use religion as an excuse for hatred, but more than that people use it as a way to love. I use it as a way to love.

And so I will pray. I will pray for the people who don’t believe that we were created out of love, who don’t believe that we are designed to love, and who don’t believe that love includes putting others before ourselves and not harming each other. For the people who use their beliefs as an excuse to hurt each other, for the people who believe that hurting each other somehow fulfills their beliefs. I will pray for Paris and I will pray for the world, and I will pray because I believe in the strength of prayers, and I believe in love.

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Tea date.

“How’s life?”

I’m freaked out that I’m gonna suddenly become a blind mute because of my bone disease that is super rare and I didn’t tell you about, but I probably shouldn’t be freaking out about because I’ve done pretty well so far, and I can’t remember anyone ever saying that such horrible scenarios were likely, but I stayed up til 1am looking up potential effects of my disease, and then I joined an online support group to talk to the 1 other person on the internet that I found with my condition, and like, I’m super stressed about that. Not to mention the burden of grad school and my friend with cancer….

“Oh it’s fine. How’s your life?”

—————–

Surprisingly, things didn’t go super badly after this brief, half truth I gave him in response to his question. We’re both introverts and so my lack of detailed response could have been viewed as simply that awkwardness that you still have when getting to know someone.

We spent the rest of our date (??? He paid for my Chai tea …does that make it a date?) staring at empty cups, each other, and the walls, and then speaking when sitting in silence lost its glamour.

We have the introvert thing down: You think a million thoughts, and then you choose the best one to say out loud, then you spend a good ten seconds hoping the other person will say something first.

After an immense amount of time hanging out in the coffee shop and attempting to converse, he drove me home and gave me a hug goodbye.

It’s going rather slowly…our conversations, our text messages, the rate at which we drank our drinks in the coffee shop, because if you’re not drinking something you have to be talking and that is just, so hard….but, it’s good.

I usually fall for people really fast and he’s kinda forcing me to think before I write five page poems about how obsessed I am with him. Like, he’s cute, he’s nice, he likes me, and I’m not obsessed. Things are just patiently taking their time. We’re developing a friendship. It’s good. Friendships help you talk to people more openly and tell them about things like…bone diseases…and your deepest fears. But there’s no reason to just, relay that part of yourself to someone on a first date. Or all of it.

Slow and steady wins the race, right?

I mean:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

So, I’m just making sure we got the first part down…There’s always time for the rest.

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