Tag Archives: distance

ODR: A dramatic journal entry on the subject of loneliness and failed relationships. Plus a short poem!

It seems that the deeper I delve into the relationship sphere, the more painful everything becomes.

But loneliness is too, oh so painful.

Why do I got to want so much, and be happy with so little?

What am I looking for? Happiness?

It seems to have eluded me, like the fly zooming away just before the paper lands.

I’m lost trying to figure out whether I’m the failure, or all men are.

Poor men, all lumped into the one category, because of my inability to interact with them.

It’s not even that.

It’s just, it’s one after another…and the more I hurt, the more I shut down, and the closer they get, the more I give up.

Like, another failure reminds me of every past failure, and then I sink into thinking that I WILL BE ALONE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, and all my family will die before me, because I’m the youngest, and I will be miserable.

Oh, I know it’s not true. With my health, and my ginormous number of nieces and nephews, there’s little chance of me being the last one standing. Not that it’s a competition or anything. That’d be quite creepy…

But still, I keep wanting to…actually be in a relationship with someone now, and it keeps…not happening. Which is totally fine, it’s just becoming so burdening, being the friend that will always just be his friend, and slowly falling for him, and him always falling away.

I need a relationship with someone who is actually there.

Not there at some point, not there for a moment, not there when their visa goes through. I want someone who actually wants to be with me. Why can’t I find someone who actually wants to be with me…and who doesn’t do drugs?

Why do they say they’ll be there when they won’t?

Why do they say they love you when they don’t?

Why do they bother to even pretend they care?

Why, oh why, can’t they just be there?

 

 

-DramaticCatherine

…because love problems aren’t just for teenage girls.

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life., ODR: Old Drafts Revisited

I hate technology.

There’s a disconnect in our communications and I’m embarrassed because it feels like my fault.

My fault for being me.

There’s this lack of understanding

an inability to read what’s being said,

what’s being thought,

and it’s my fault.

This is why I hate technology.

I say too much, and then I keep speaking.

I should be silent but I just keep keeping, talk on, sing my song…

Because I’m lonely and I’m starving for communication and friendship,

connection with the world, some sort of kinship,

through the lifeless glow of a computer screen…

Communication is so much harder with a face that can’t be seen.

I am lonely.

I fill the lonely with attempts at communication.

But the endless small talk gives no satiation, except of itself.

I’m done with that self.

The skim top, not cream of the crop, fluff of foam that flutters away when blown because it’s nothing, founded on nothing, I’m done with nothing, and I need something.

So when the disconnect starts and I try to still my heart, from the reaching and depth and my attempt to connect,

when I tell it to stop, to be brief, just a hop

conversation, let the meaning slide,

when I begin and just try to hide

behind curtness of words

and curtness of form,

because I talk too much,

and I say too much,

and I care too much,

and I give too much,

and I am too much

for you –

and I try to stop myself, I will stop myself, but I don’t think that it is really me who

is at fault,

cuz maybe i’m the adult

who actually wants to share,

who actually wants to care,

to actually be there,

more than just the small talk that you see.

I hate technology.

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Filed under All Poetry