Tag Archives: depression

Learned recently…

Breaking bones:

The result of too much physical activity or an unexpected impact that causes the need for an amount of isolation and protection of the injured area. Often isolating this area results in isolating oneself because outside world activities can aggravate injuries.

Depression:

It feeds on closing one’s self off from the rest of the world, sitting in your room, and doing none of your usual activities. The more alone you are, the more you dwell on the pain. The more you stay in bed and do nothing, the more you think of how much nothing is in your life.

The conflict:

While attempting not to injure/further injure oneself physically one may end up injuring themselves emotionally.

The solution: TBD…

Current status: Not physically broken and probably not depressed, grateful for both of these things, and only slightly concerned about the next time something breaks.

End post.

 

 

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Ending something that never began.

It is kind of insulting to tell me I overthink things. I can’t really turn off my brain.

It’s probably better to tell me that I misunderstood what you just said or did, because how can I really overthink it?

I can think that your words mean more than you intend them to mean…but maybe you simply weren’t tactful enough.

Or maybe there are things that I want to hear so badly that I’ll misinterpret it.

Maybe I do overthink, overthink so that I feel better about everything.

I fail at relationships with the opposite sex. On the plus side, I prayed for answers and it seems pretty clear.

Clear cut, painfully so: give up on this one.

So that seems to be the way my life goes, destined for singlehood. Which means I really ought to give up the pursuit.

I tried to give it up, and then he just turned up in my life, with the words and actions that I overthought. A week can be a lifetime for a relationship.

Romeo and Juliet lived it.

Infatuation to its fullest.

With death and poison as its fruit.

It hurts so much and I wish I could turn off that part of the brain, but I had free time, and in the idle moment I was distracted by loneliness and his presence, and it was what I chose to spend my time on.

I should spend my time on better things.

There are so many better things to spend time on.

But I hate spending so much time alone.

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

I am here

Facing the reality of the fact that no matter how hard you try, you may fail sometime, and trying to figure out what you’re supposed to keep working toward and what you’re supposed to let go of is a lot of work.

It requires humility and strength of endurance that I do not always have. Sometimes it results in being overwhelmed by your own inadequacy, and being unable to try to hold on any more, and twenty minute sobbing sessions in your room where no one can see you.

Eventually loved ones find you and try to console you while you simply recognize the fact that you have no control over the situation and don’t want to be crying, and really don’t mean to be bothering them with your pain, but you just can’t handle the stress at the moment and you need to cry.

Then you get ready for bed, read a novel for four hours, and go to sleep thinking that at least your life is better than the character’s in the dystopian society, and at least you can enter a different world for four hours at a time, and step into the life of someone else, be it ever so briefly, and be okay. Not only be okay, but maybe grow stronger with the recognition that we all struggle as human beings, and nobody has everything under control, and that while you may be crying about a situation you see no way out of, the pain is temporary and ultimately, some way or another, it will be solved.

You are loved, and it will be okay.

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Smoothing out the roller coaster thoughts because God is good.

I feel like my blog just kinda is. Like, I’ll randomly post a poem, and then I’ll throwback to some draft I never published, and then I’ll update you on current events in my life, and it’s a bit like a roller coaster. It lacks the cohesiveness that it once kinda sorta had, like where I was panicked about recovering from surgery and college, and then panicked about non-existent relationships, and then panicked about grad school, and then panicked about non-existent relationships. I suppose I may be over-estimating its former cohesiveness.

At any rate, I’m here, updating this lovely blog with a current post and not just dusting off an old draft, because I feel like I should do that every couple of days. It’s possible that I post too frequently, but between gradschool and not hanging out with the friends I wish I had, I have a lot of free time. The time isn’t exactly free, but my options are like, a. do piles of homework, b. sobbingly munch on comfort foods, c. watch netflix, d. scroll my facebook newsfeed and hope that someone will talk to me, or e. write a blog post. With those options I tend to choose the blog post, because then at least I have the excuse of being reflective while I don’t get anything super useful done.

So yeah, reflective time… Last year around now I was sobbing every other day because grad school overwhelmed me by adding homework and class to what I had to do with my time, and I was really sad about my lack of freedom. I also didn’t have a license and my few friendships were with guys I had crushes on who did not feel the same way about me. My physical therapy was still pretty pathetic, my body hurt more than it did now, and overall I think I was probably depressed.

This school year so far I have only really sobbed once. It was three hours before my very first class for the semester, and I was questioning God and breaking down, wondering why life was so miserable. Then I went to class and our professor gave a twenty-minute inspiring speech about how she got to where she was today and the tears she shed and the suffering she went through and how it was all worth it…I took that as a sign, and now I just keep seeing the positives of my situation and the negatives aren’t too much to bear.

I also now have a license, and with that I have spent more time developing my friendships with people who aren’t guys that I have unrequited crushes on, and while I am still often lonely, I have at least one female friend who can’t wait to hang out with me every week. Plus, a year of school has developed my friendships with people further, and I have support and people I can talk to about school, at least, and school friends who go to the gym with me, furthering my physical healing.

After a year of pulling through and venting and crying and questioning, I still don’t know exactly what I’m doing with my future. I don’t know if I really want to be a teacher, or if I’m dashing my dreams of music entirely…but I do know that while I’ve been suffering and pathetically responding to my situation, by actually trying at this teaching thing I’ve managed to improve my life in just about every way in the last two years.

I thought I was going downhill, but apparently I’m still going up.

…and while I just spent the last hour not doing homework I definitely think it wasn’t wasted.

Thank you for being there on this journey.

I’ll probably break down again in a couple of weeks, or like, right before my big project is due tomorrow evening, but in the mean time I’m just gonna try to appreciate the beauty of the life God has giving me and how everything is working out, even if it’s not as expected, or even if it’s not in the time I want it to.

Also, you can look forward to more roller coaster blasts from the past, because I have like, 30 other drafts from last year that I haven’t posted.

-cdukulele

(P.S. The Pope is in America and I’m Catholic. Life rocks. Like the rock of the Church. Peter. The first Pope. OH YEAH.)

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Spring is coming…

March 1st! Happy Month of my birthday. Spring is near.

This is my first March 1st at home in four years.

I think I’ll make it a good March 1st.

 

I’ve discovered that my older sister may have been right about the psychiatrist needing. I always seem to get real weepy around bedtime. It’s like…I think about how I’m unemployed, and have no friends, and the guy I like won’t talk to me, and I’m going no where in life, and then my eyes start turning red and I can feel tear drops coming on.

True, this isn’t always the case, but it happens often enough for me to notice. Okay it happened twice this week. And this was the week that I kinda broke up with someone, and quit a job.
So maybe my life is just being extra tough right now, and so I’m just a bit more sensitive.

Or maybe I need help.

I need a job.

It doesn’t help knowing that almost any job I can get would end in physical pain that I may not ultimately be able to handle.

The benefits of having a weak body.

 

But it’s March 1st. I have a whole new month before me, alive with possibilities! The sun is shining, yesterday’s rain is making everything green glow with new life, and my cousin wants to hang out with me in an hour. The possibilities abound.

I just have to get over this whole, “being sad about my life” thing.

The sun helps with that.

-cdukulele

 

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