Tag Archives: crush


Emotions suck.

Like, I spend ninety percent of my time thinking about them when I should be thinking about other things.

Oh snap, I thought about the emotions so much that I forgot I left my ukulele in the trunk of my Mom’s car…

Anyway, if I keep thinking about these emotions I’m probably going to wind up crying, so maybe I should write them out of my system.

I’d write them out of system and into a text to compose and send to the male who is inspiring me to have all these emotions, but that would probably just result in more emotions, and there are too many of them already.

Here’s what I have to say: for the past five months I’ve been friends with a guy who I spend time with off and on, and I’ve started composing many posts on him and related to him and then stopped, because I don’t want to obsess, and I’m paranoid that somehow too many details will find themselves in the sea of the internet leading back to him.

I like to play it relatively, obsessively, safe.

Recently, however, this friendship became even more confusing.

Like, we keep almost going on dates/spending time alone together, and while I don’t mind the friendship, a couple nights ago we went out dancing with a female friend of mine.

And he and I danced, and it was fun, and then at some point there was some super romantic-partner up and dance for real music playing, which I didn’t recognize, and he pulled me into his arms and we danced like one of the forty super romantic couples surrounding us.

And it confused me.

I am confused.

I am so incredibly confused.

And I want to ask him what was up with that but when the first dance ended he gestured to another couple who was still dancing in the super romantic way, and indicated he was merely imitating them, and I let it drop as some sort of anomaly of dance, of our friendship. He merely pulled me into his arms so romantically because he was dancing, and it’s what all the couples were doing.

Time passed, we danced other friend-like dances, we danced in other rooms, we danced with other people, and at some point we found ourselves back in the room of couples dancing ridiculously close together, and he pulled me into another dance.

And later, when guys asked me to dance and whether he was my boyfriend or I was his girlfriend, he said “no, she’s single” and sent me off to dance with the strangers.

I’m a little bit hurt…I probably shouldn’t be, I definitely shouldn’t be, we’re friends and we danced, but I’ve never danced that close to a guy before, to anyone, and now I can’t stop thinking about him and I hate him a little bit for it, and I don’t even think he cares.

I don’t even know if I want him to care in that way.

I just wish he would’ve warned me before he pulled me into that dance.

I’m all obsessed and it’s because of a stupid dance.

And we’re entirely not together, and I don’t know what to say or what not to say, whether to tell him that dancing with girls like that is confusing, and that I’m confused now, or whether to say nothing and just let the pain and emotions sit until they hopefully just go away.

Because we danced, and then I saw him once more after that and he gave me and my friend a totally innocent hug, and he hasn’t contacted me since. But he rarely contacts me.


But I also want to just yell at him for making me like him.

Like a teenager. Do teenagers even do that? I feel like I’m as lost as I would be if I was a teenager going out with some other random teenager.

I thought people were mature when you grew up and just let you know that they liked you.

I thought they had courage to tell you how they were really feeling.

I thought they had the strength to not pull you into dances that will misdirect your feelings and imply that they feel more than they do.

I thought they had the courtesy to let you know that they were falling and that by going out dancing with them you are pretty much going on a date with them and basically, flippin’ tell the girl you like her rather than inviting her out, dancing with her like you like her, telling other guys she’s free to dance, and then looking sad when you let her go.

Did I mention he looked sad? It was the one small bit of information my friend provided for me, for when she and him were sitting alone talking and I was dancing with the stranger my guy friend told me to dance with.

…There is so much here that I shouldn’t be evaluating, because life shouldn’t be so focused on romance, should it? Like, I have school, I have friends, I have health problems, I have friends with health problems, I have God, and pushing its way past all these important things is my stupid little heart going “DOES HE LIKE ME? DOES HE LIKE ME???” and “WHAT DOES IT MEAN!???” and “I AM SO ALONE.”

It freakin’ sucks and it makes no sense and I’m blaming biology and wanting to curse it, because I don’t even know if he cares, and if he cares then he’s doing a crummy job of showing it, and if does such a bad job caring then I shouldn’t care about him.

So my logical mind and my close friends tell me to forget him and move on, and that stupid heart supported by emotions and hormones is just keeps beating me up about it, and I don’t know how to make it stop.

Because I’ve never been good at making my Heart stop yelling at me, until I get distracted by some new crush…but I’m tired of being distracted by crushes. The endless barrage on my emotions hurts too much.

I probably have too much free time. If I fill up every second of time with activity then there’s no time to dwell on love…



Pray for me.






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Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

Poem: Wading through thorns.

“I appreciate you” I say pointlessly, while my hormones are raging, and I allow them to force me to speak this momentarily overwhelming stupid thought, that is half honesty, out of an attempt to make you communicate something more toward me. Communicate. With me.

Heart pounding and I see you smile and just want to wrap my arms around you, wrap your arms around me, be warm and soft and held tight like you love me.

Cursing these hormones and these thoughts and hopes that are built on short bouts of laughter and glances from your dark, beautiful eyes.

You stare a lot, and I don’t know what you communicate, but you set my heart on fire and it won’t seem to go out.

Glances and smiles with those beautiful eyes and beautiful cheeks and beautiful teeth gleaming white, perfectly set in a smiling mouth.

You are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are attractive and every physical part of me wants to be closer to you, and I’m at war with myself, mind over matter, because the matter is trying to take over and I’m starting to lose my mind.

I don’t want to lose my mind.

Because mentally, oh beautifully attractive one, mentally I know it is not time. Mentally, oh captivating heartthrob, causer of my heartbeats and blackouts of mind, mentally, I know that this is more overwhelming infatuation than love. This is more biological than rational, this is more instinct than instance, this is more me wanting to be loved than me loving, and I can’t have that.

I can’t have this.

I repel that desire for objectification, no matter the momentary elation of that satiation of desire, I repel that instant gratification, that short term duration of feeling, built on matter fleeting, of feeding that burning fire
that burns without purpose except to excite, that burns with heat but gives no great light, that burns to consume and exhaust and deplete, I reject that sterile and empty feat.
I reject the unwholesome consumption of you, crumbling your beauty not loving you through, I reject that notion that hearts can’t be tamed, that we can go on and on and not be blamed, I reject this notion, this desire to obtain, I reject these thoughts that leave love lame, I reject the dampening of Purity’s gleam, ruining her waters, defiling a stream of love, of goodness, of truth and joy, of happiness and beauty and all we employ when deeply and truly loving each other, I reject the bad and will accept no other love – except a love that is true, a love that loves every aspect of you.

I will fight for the truth and a heart that embraces
you and every single one of your faces,
you when you’re broken and you when you’re down,
you when you’re silent and when you make no sound,
you when you’re shouting and singing for joy,
you when you’re manly, or when you feel like a boy,
you when you need me and you when you don’t,
you when you help me and you when you won’t,
to love you despite, in addition, and because,
to love you for reasons that were, are, and was,
I will fight for a love that embraces all things that make you more holy and through which God brings us closer to him and to each other, deeper in love with him and one another.

I will fight for the Love he provides with no mercy.
I will fight for the Love he provides til I’m worthy
to have you, to hold you, to love you, a man,
I will fight to love you and try til I can.

You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and once that beauty was all I could see, blinded by the gift of sight, couldn’t see the soul surrounded in light. You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and I will try to love that beauty, love and respect and pray for and wait, and melt the lust that’s hiding self-hate. You are beautiful, you reflect perfection, and I will wait until God points me in the right direction. You are beautiful and my heart reaches for you, but it will stay still until I ever say “I do”.

Thank you Lord, for the beauty in the world, and please protect the heart of this awestruck girl.




Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems

Imaginary Scenes in my life.

“What’s up?”

“Nothing much. Just dreaming that we’re in  love, and waking up and wishing it were true until I realize that there’s nothing to base that love on and in reality it’s hard for us to say more than a couple dozen words to each other.”



“How’s it going?”

“Alright. Except that I’m growing more and more dependent on our friendship and I think you just kind of tolerate me, and talking to you makes me feel better about every aspect of my life and so sometimes I feel like I NEED to talk to you and I’m starting to fall in love but I can’t because we’re just friends and while you’re amazing to talk to, I don’t think we agree enough on anything important to ever be more.”

“I see.”


“How’s life?”

“It’s a confusing mixture of figuring out my future and figuring out my friendships, and trying to enjoy things just the way they are and not reaching for more, but then growing lonely and discontent and letting my mind race through a million scenarios like a puppy without a leash, and trying to stop that puppy from getting hit by a car.”



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Pondering what I didn’t do on Thanksgiving…

“Yes, I’m introducing you to my family strictly to get their opinion of you. What you do and say does matter and you are being judged for it. The outcomes of this meeting could either make or break our relationship. Good luck!”

I’d like to go back in time to when this was acceptable and use my family as a screen for potential suitors. Oh wait, that is totally still acceptable, right?

I’d like to find the guy that I’m comfortable enough around to say this too, and for him to totally understand my degree of seriousness, and rush into the task of meeting my family headlong.

I don’t trust the opinion of every single one of my family members when it comes to suitor potential, but I definitely think some of them would have something good to say, and a potential suitor would have to meet their minimal requirements in order for me to truly accept them.

…Or maybe I’d just accept them and then my family’s approval would just be the cherry on top of being happily in love.

It’d be nice to be happily in love.





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Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

Hanging out

I got him to ask me out.

I knew what I was doing as I did it.

Slowly build up conversation to the point where you make a clear declaration that you hate texting.

Make declaration.

Pause and wait to see if he takes that as a hint to make a move.

Begin composing the message telling him that was his cue to invite you to hang out in real life.

Delete message as he picks up the cue and asks you what you are doing over the weekend.

Cheer with best girl friend on social media chat.

Respond to his question with some detail and shoot back the question of, “why? Did you want to ask me to hang out so we could have a real life conversation?”

Cheerfully read his response about how you took the words out of his mouth, and muse over whether you put them there in the first place.

It’s a date. I mean, it’s a hang out. We’re both too chill and our acquaintanceship is far too new to actually call it a date. I wonder if I’m supposed to call it a date. I don’t even know. Eh, I’ll find out this weekend when we “hang out”.


Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

Poem: After the first message

I hate technology, the ability to communicate with someone without actually being there is overrated.

Also, I love technology, and the ability to communicate with someone who you can’t see in person is…


Stupid, stupid, stupid, phone.

Feeling like you’re close when you’re totally alone.

I just want to talk in person.


I hate the part where this is half conversation and half waiting game,

where I don’t get your undivided attention.

I like undivided attention.

I would very much like to share some undivided attention with you.

I need patience.

Oh this world.

I need patience until the undivided attention can happen – without the stupid technology,

that brings us together but

can’t bring us very close.

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Filed under Love Poems

The first message

Innocent white light,

Investigative click,

A message pops up,

and it’s from you.

I read the words,

and my heart mildly bursts

because it seems like a lot more

than I hoped for.

I didn’t realize I was hoping for so little

until you said so much,

and now I’ve mildly fallen

into another crush.

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems