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Poem: Wading through thorns.

“I appreciate you” I say pointlessly, while my hormones are raging, and I allow them to force me to speak this momentarily overwhelming stupid thought, that is half honesty, out of an attempt to make you communicate something more toward me. Communicate. With me.

Heart pounding and I see you smile and just want to wrap my arms around you, wrap your arms around me, be warm and soft and held tight like you love me.

Cursing these hormones and these thoughts and hopes that are built on short bouts of laughter and glances from your dark, beautiful eyes.

You stare a lot, and I don’t know what you communicate, but you set my heart on fire and it won’t seem to go out.

Glances and smiles with those beautiful eyes and beautiful cheeks and beautiful teeth gleaming white, perfectly set in a smiling mouth.

You are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are attractive and every physical part of me wants to be closer to you, and I’m at war with myself, mind over matter, because the matter is trying to take over and I’m starting to lose my mind.

I don’t want to lose my mind.

Because mentally, oh beautifully attractive one, mentally I know it is not time. Mentally, oh captivating heartthrob, causer of my heartbeats and blackouts of mind, mentally, I know that this is more overwhelming infatuation than love. This is more biological than rational, this is more instinct than instance, this is more me wanting to be loved than me loving, and I can’t have that.

I can’t have this.

I repel that desire for objectification, no matter the momentary elation of that satiation of desire, I repel that instant gratification, that short term duration of feeling, built on matter fleeting, of feeding that burning fire
that burns without purpose except to excite, that burns with heat but gives no great light, that burns to consume and exhaust and deplete, I reject that sterile and empty feat.
I reject the unwholesome consumption of you, crumbling your beauty not loving you through, I reject that notion that hearts can’t be tamed, that we can go on and on and not be blamed, I reject this notion, this desire to obtain, I reject these thoughts that leave love lame, I reject the dampening of Purity’s gleam, ruining her waters, defiling a stream of love, of goodness, of truth and joy, of happiness and beauty and all we employ when deeply and truly loving each other, I reject the bad and will accept no other love – except a love that is true, a love that loves every aspect of you.

I will fight for the truth and a heart that embraces
you and every single one of your faces,
you when you’re broken and you when you’re down,
you when you’re silent and when you make no sound,
you when you’re shouting and singing for joy,
you when you’re manly, or when you feel like a boy,
you when you need me and you when you don’t,
you when you help me and you when you won’t,
to love you despite, in addition, and because,
to love you for reasons that were, are, and was,
I will fight for a love that embraces all things that make you more holy and through which God brings us closer to him and to each other, deeper in love with him and one another.

I will fight for the Love he provides with no mercy.
I will fight for the Love he provides til I’m worthy
to have you, to hold you, to love you, a man,
I will fight to love you and try til I can.

You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and once that beauty was all I could see, blinded by the gift of sight, couldn’t see the soul surrounded in light. You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and I will try to love that beauty, love and respect and pray for and wait, and melt the lust that’s hiding self-hate. You are beautiful, you reflect perfection, and I will wait until God points me in the right direction. You are beautiful and my heart reaches for you, but it will stay still until I ever say “I do”.

Thank you Lord, for the beauty in the world, and please protect the heart of this awestruck girl.

AMEN.

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems

He can’t be a musician…

It happened.

I went to open mic night, and a guy sang some songs, and then I thought about how I definitely wanted to go talk to him, strike up a friendship, a kind conversation, not fall in love with him, but be his friend and have a cool guy to sing songs with.

I mean, he seemed like he was at my level. Like, I wasn’t intimidated by his awesome music skill, because, he was great, but he forgot the lyrics to a song he just wrote, so it made him seem approachable to me. Forgetting lyrics is something I do easily.

So I went up to sing my songs, a while after he sang his songs, and I brutally massacred my music, I’m pretty sure my uke was out of tune, and then I went and sat down and wondered about when I would have the courage to go talk to the guitarist who messed up, like me, earlier.

I glanced at him, he glanced at me and then he looked away. I looked away. I thought over my strategy. I will go speak to him once this artist finishes…Or maybe once open mic night ends…Or maybe if he gets up to go buy coffee or something, and I’ll just casually stroll over and tell him what a great job he did, and ask him if he wants to jam sometime

I looked over at him again, he was staring at the floor.

I went back to watching the artist who was performing. I’ll talk to him later…before he leaves. I thought.

Suddenly I noticed something very strange in the corner of my eye. A tall figure was standing up and pulling over a chair right next to me, and sitting down as naturally as if though we had actually had one of the conversations that was running through my mind four minutes ago. He watched the guitarist performing, and then he turned toward me.

“That’s some pretty cool guitar playing.”

“Yes, it is, very talented.”

“Do you think he’s really out of it right now, or just pretending?”

“I don’t know, but he forgot my name earlier, so I think he’s probably…out of it.”

“Yeah…By the way, I’m Josh.”

The guitarist I had been contemplating talking to for the last five minutes was sitting next to me, and chatting with me, like a completely normal human being.

I don’t know what happened.

It got stranger. I introduced myself, my sister introduced herself, and her friend introduced herself (and soon left), and Josh talked to us all, in a genial, non-suspicious manner, contrary to many of my interactions with former musicians.

Then my sister started saying things, “Hey, I think you should know, I mean, I don’t mean to be strange or anything, but I really have to tell you, you are very attractive.” I shook my head and cast my eyes downward, casting disapproving looks at my sister, and surveying glances at Josh. “I mean, your face is like, perfectly symmetrical, and your eyes are beautiful, I mean, you are classically handsome. I mean, isn’t he?” she added, staring at me as she waited for my agreement “Uh…”

Luckily, Josh responded first, “Yeah, uh…actually, it’s okay, I get that a lot.” I stared at him in astonishment, “Really? People just go up to you and tell you you’re attractive?” I asked.

Josh responded, “Yeah…I mean, it doesn’t go to my head or anything.”

Me: “Uh huh.”

So, here is blue-eyed, blonde-haired, perfectly symmetrically faced guitarist-musician-model, who apparently knows how good he looks, sitting to my left, and my sister telling him he’s beautiful and asking me for my opinion on the issue on my right, and me between them pondering how I am ever going to have a normal friendship with anyone ever.

Oh Josh. We spent the next hour chatting about music and work and school and open mic nights, and being more or less normal. Then he somehow said that he thought I was older than my sister, and he found out how old my sister was and was astonished, and then he mentioned his age, and I’m five years older than him. Then he continued chatting with us until we all decided it was too late, and we walked to our cars.

I’ve concluded from this that I have to revise my theory that all musicians are super serious, mysterious, and brooding guys, apparently it doesn’t apply to teenagers.

Also, I am never going to wind up with a musician. They are either super serious, brooding artists, or completely friendly and attractive guys who are too young for me.

Also, sometimes when you’re staring at someone and thinking about talking to them, they’re thinking about the exact same thing.

The last point is my favorite. Maybe I’ll dwell on that for a while instead of on how I’m super old and will be alone forever.

-cdukulele

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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

I forgot the title.

Hey WordPress.

How’s it going?

I’m good.

A little tired.

A little bored.

A little sad.

My sister broke of her engagement with her fiancee, and now she’s back in town.

No more wedding in the summer.

No more maid of honor speech.

No more of my mother driving me crazy with wedding plans.

It’s sad though, because it’s almost like things were working out. She certainly acted like things were working out. Like the man of her dreams had dropped in and solved all of her problems. She joked about it, I’d be milling about, complaining about my life and lack of plans or something, and she’d say “You should get one of these!” And laughingly indicate toward her significant other. He seemed to solve all problems, he made her happy.

True, half the time I was around them, their loving air sickened me, and all they ever seemed to do was sit on the couch together and cuddle, but they looked content.
I mean, yes, I would get incredibly bored in a relationship that solely consisted of hugging my significant other on the couch, and never doing anything else ever, like going out, or interacting with other couples or people, but they seemed okay with it. And of course they were the inspiration and really the driving force that compelled me to write a song about how obnoxious couples were, and how their happiness made me angry and I was seeing lovebirds everywhere, and I was sick of it, but…They laughed at that song and enjoyed it with the rest of my open mic night audiences.

So…I don’t know. I guess the lesson we’ve learned here is, don’t base a relationship solely on the fact that you two feel incredibly in love and want to spend every waking moment sitting together on a couch. Also, if everybody else thinks you’re being annoying in your romance, you probably are, and perhaps you enjoy the idea of your relationship more than the person you’re in a relationship with. Of course, there may be no lesson…but I like to draw wisdom from life’s tragedies.

I don’t know.

I’ll just hope that happy things happen soon. For her. For everyone.

Nice chatting with you WordPress, I’ll see you around.

– Catherine

 

 

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Filed under Various writing

Crush Blogs

I want to read more blogs about people with unrequited love crushes on other people, or heck, even requited ones. Please comment and post links to your lovely little crush blog.

Nothing crazy inappropriate though.

Just, daily life of how you get through the fact that the person you feel like you’re freaking in love with, doesn’t notice your existence.

Or they’re you’re best friend.

I need moral support.

Please post.

Or books and poems on the topic.

Songs.

References.

Movies and films.

I need to inhale all things Unrequited love related.

To feel less alone.

Thank you.

-cdukulele

 

P.s. If I’m already following you, post anyway. I want all the blogs in one convenient place, and my grasp of how wordpress works is so poor that I don’t know how to find you people half the time, even when I’m following you. It is sad. Post away! Thanks!

 

 

 

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Just a note…

So my laptop is broken, and has been broken for a while, and so I’ve been writing down thoughts and some poems in journals. Then I wait for whoever is using the family computer to stop using it. Then I have a whole bunch of pieces of poems and ideas written in a notebook, and I try to put them in the computer, but sometimes I run out of time and also realize that all the stuff I wrote in my notebook isn’t complete. Also, it’s apparently November and that has something to do with writing a new post every day? So if my thoughts are incomplete or unrelated or my poems seemed rushed, I have no excuse because as a writer I should get over that. But I’m pretending I have an excuse. Also, if you read something I write and you like it or have something to say about it, will you PLEASE SAY SOMETHING!???? It makes me feel less alone in the world, and maybe it will make you feel less alone too, because I will totally respond.

Thank you for reading my random thoughts and poems. I appreciate it.

– cdukulele

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