Tag Archives: Coffee

Sad tea-cups

…are those with almond milk in them instead of real milk.

Also, 5 minutes after posting my update about my friend with cancer having a smaller tumor, I got a text from her asking me to pray for her because she was in the worst pain yet. At two am, after I’d gotten two hours of sleep and inexplicably woke up, she contacted me again and we talked and she seemed to be better. I then stayed up til some crazy hour, and then woke up and had a fairly pleasant day. Knowing your friend is not as bad off as she was right before you went to bed that night has a way of making days better.

In other totally non-consequential news:

I might have gone on two dates with two different guys in the last two weeks, but nobody ever calls anything a date anymore so I really have no idea, but I kind of think one of the guys almost tried to kiss me judging by the strange pause at the end of the night just after we arrived at my car and took out my keys to leave. That would definitely put the second hang out in the “date” category, but the pause could have also simply been awkwardness. Who knows? I definitely don’t.
When you don’t go around kissing people you have no idea when you are in a kissing-people situation or not.

That’s my life.

P.S. Continued prayers for my friend are appreciated. Prayers for all totally confused young people who don’t know if they are on dates or not are also appreciated.

P.P.S. I have no idea how to balance talking about my feelings about my friend with cancer with my feelings about the rest of my life, as they are completely different segments of my life. However, the way life works is that everything just kinda gets shoved together and it is your life, and sometimes, 60-70 years later, you look back on it and maybe you see patterns, and then you write nice little uniform books about the experiences, or maybe sell the movie rights or whatever…But that doesn’t happen in the middle of the experience, when everything is happening at once and you don’t know what’s important and what’s not besides what you think about it in the moment. It is from this disjointed reality that my blog posts are born. In fifty to sixty years maybe I’ll write a book. For now you get the mess to make sense or nonsense of all on your own. Have fun!

 

 

 

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On the other side

When things like this happen I begin to wonder which is worse, to be the unrequited lover, or to be the beloved with a heart.
Being the object of someone’s affections totally sucks when you have no feelings toward them, or like, worse than that, when your feelings toward them are negative.
I mean, if I just had NO FEELINGS for this person, then my heart could probably be persuaded over time. But like, I just don’t like this person.
Of course, not liking can also be persuaded away, but I just…I don’t want to lead them on.
Everyone deserves to be with someone who wants to be with them.

Maybe they just want to be friends?

…being the unrequited lover is definitely worse. Poor guy. How to let him down gently?
How to be kind and courteous and Christian and not make him think things I don’t want him to, like specifically that I like him as something more than a friend.
I kinda don’t even know if I want to be friends with him.
Is that bad?
Like I think we don’t have anything in common and he is kinda boring to me.
Do I sound bad?
You’re allowed to not wanna be friends with people sometimes, right?
I mean, I still want him to be a happy individual and don’t want him to suffer or anything, I just don’t particularly think hanging out will bring me any joy.
Which, I don’t want to sound selfish, but how bad would it be if you’re hanging out with someone and you find out that the only reason they are hanging out with you is because they feel bad, and not because they genuinely enjoy your company?

I mean, sure, sometimes, people just hang with people and are there for them, and this is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about I don’t want to go to coffee with a guy when it seems very date-like, and I don’t want him to think I want to date him.

And now I quickly realize that I am just putting him into a little box and not realizing what potentially great friend material he could be. I could be his friend. UH. probably. I mean, as long as I start to feel less like he’s flirting with me.

I feel like a hypocrite. Am I a hypocrite? I mean, every other post I have is about my unrequited feelings for men, and now that a guy likes me that I don’t like, I’m just like squirming to get away from him.
How am I so unfeeling towards him?
But I think the difference is, I developed friendships with the people I had crushes on, and the feelings developed after we had mutually spent time together and it wasn’t me putting them in situations where they were forced to spend time with me by myself. I mean, I invited them to events and things, but it was never like: we should chill, together, by ourselves, and talk. I didn’t do that to people.
I developed unrequited affections for people who were mutually interested/my friends to some degree already. This guy is barely my acquaintance and now wants me to commit to spending time talking just to him.

…I need to invite other people. Find a way to invite other people.
I can agree to chill with him, but it will only be in a situation in which I can bring other people so that it’s not like a date.
I can be his friend, but I’m not gonna date him.
No sir.

Okay well, that’s my one story of a guy having a crush on me that I don’t like for the year.

Maybe the next guy that likes me I’ll like back.
That’d be pleasant.

In the mean time, more unrequited love stories where my love is rejected are to come, because that’s how things tend to work out for me.

Side note: Have you ever been on the opposite end of unwanted affections? What did you do, how did you feel? Let me know about it in the comments below or write a post and link it back to me. I want to know how human beings deal with this. It will give me insight to my own behavior and also how I might potentially be perceived by the people I pursue. Thanks.

– cdukulele, the object of a random guy’s affections for once (That makes me feel more special and appreciative of the guy. I still don’t want him to think I like him in that way though. It’s better for both of us if that doesn’t happen.)

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Fun fun fun

HELLOOOOO!!!

I’m at my sister’s house, chilling with my brother, my other sister, and our two year old nephew who is still awake at 1 in the morning.

They’re trying to figure out Netflix on our sister’s tv, while I’m just trying to remember this happy night via wordpress.

I mean, this night is super happy, but the happiness started before the babysitting at 1 in the morning.

It started with a concert.

A stupendously wonderful concert where I saw pretty much every friend I’ve made in music from the last year, all jamming their bestest, entertaining a packed crowd that included me, and making me dream and imagine a bright future of music.

I can’t properly convey my happiness, because most of it just stems from overwhelmingly personal sentiments about what I want to do with my life, and reflecting on things that actually make me happy, and things I’m good at, and actually having friends and support and love, so I’m just going to bullet point some things that happened tonight, so that I can remember and you can get the vaguest picture.

  • I handed out two business cards to enthusiastic chatting people.
  • One of them was an incredibly attractive, model looking man, who reviews music for a local station, has heard my stuff, was super happy to get my card, and told me to come by and play music for their station. I think I love him. Okay, he’s just gorgeous and friendly and in the music field and likes my music. I definitely love him.
  • Right after I bought two of my friends’s cds, I was standing next to the bar with my sister (another one, separate from the one babysitting with me, and the one I am babysitting for) discussing what to do next, a young woman came over to me and was like “Spiders….and butterflies” and I laughed and she said she liked my music, which is what she was referring to  with the spiders comment, because my most popular song is about them, and anyway, she said she really liked my songs and I told her about my upcoming concert, and she was excited about it, so YAY!
  • My other music acquaintance friend invited me to an after party at a bar! Except I don’t have a car and couldn’t go, BUT HE INVITED ME!! 😀
  • The music was just great.

Okay, so anyway, it was just a fantastic night, and now we’ve figured out netflix, so I got to go, because my sister chose a boring show about business pitches, and I must stop this before it goes on much longer.

– Catherine

P.S. On a side note, I dropped one of my grad classes…Like the slacker I am. But my professor/the person in charge of the program I am in, was totally was okay with it, and really understanding and supportive, and now I feel better about life and my plans in general, and like I can actually do this and enjoy my life, and maybe be happy. Like I can do music and grad school, and do both well…Or do the school thing well with the chance to actually relax and play some music sometimes. So overall, life is good.

P.p.s Other fun note for the night, I said bye to one of my friends and he gave me a hug, and there was a girl with him who I hadn’t met, so I said “Oh, and bye George’s friend”, and she said “Oh, no, I’m his girlfriend“, in a pronounced way. It was adorable. Like she thought I was competition and she wanted me to KNOW that he had a girlfriend. I’ve never been thought of as competition before. It made me happy. Not in a like, HAHAHHA THAT’S RIGHT, BE JEALOUS! Kind of way, but a, AWWW, someone actually thinks that they have to tell me that they are dating one of my guy friends, like they are trying to claim him, and they think that I might take him from him or that I have the slightest chance of doing it or something which means that I am actually the slightest bit able to do it…Wait…does that make me a bad person? That her possible jealousy made me happy? I mean, it is COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED, and I definitely want to make sure I totally show her support in her relationship in the future…OH SNAP, last time I saw him, she was hanging out with him and I totally whispered something to him right before I left an open mic he was at….I mean, I was just saying bye to him..So now her, I’M HIS GIRLFRIEND comment totally makes sense. Even though I totally was just behaving as a normal friend, whispering in a talking kind of way, like, just cause he was sitting in a chair so I had to lean over and their were musicians playing, so it wasn’t some flirty thing. She was overly protective. But she seems nice. I should tell him that next time I see him so that she knows…Or I’m reading into it. It was interesting anyway.

Overthinking.

Overthinking but happy, and my nephew has finally conked out and I’m done writing.

Night readers.

– Cat

ANYWAY, that was a big side-track note.

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Not a total waste of a night.

My friend had a concert tonight.

He had a concert last night too.

I tend to wind up at his shows.

Today I wondered if I should.

I decided to.

Then I decided not.

Then I decided to.

Then I was standing outside the coffee shop with my brother, and pacing back and forth, just out of the range of the view of the people inside the shop, weighing the negatives and positives of entering the shop, wondering if the fact that I went to his show last night and have been to just about every single show he’s ever had/invited me to would look like I was stalking him, wondering if I was stalking him, being unable to cope with the concept of coming all that way and not actually seeing him, asking myself whether my brother was right in assuming that this was no big deal and I should just enter the coffee shop, calculating what my sister’s opinion on the matter would be, and whether it was of any value, and finally, I decided just to get this over with and walk into the coffee shop, and I missed his entire set.

This…would be a sad story, if it ended there. Or maybe this is a sad story no matter what. Maybe my inability to make decisions about life and my fear of guys thinking I like them when I do is absolutely, pathetically, sad, and there is no way to save this situation…

But, I went in to the coffee shop, and he was buying coffee, and another musician was performing.

I walked over to my friend and said hello, and he smiled pleasantly and gave me a small hug, and my brother awkwardly said some things about driving the wrong direction several times (which, truthfully, we had…as I kept having my brother drive up and down the street while I took surveying glances of the shop to see whether I had the courage to enter it), and then I mumbled a weak apology for missing his set, and I mentioned how I had actually never heard the musician who was currently performing, so I was “going to go do that”.

So I spent the rest of the concert sitting in a giant chair next to my brother, watching the musician who I’d heard a lot about but never heard before, perform, and avoiding unnecessary eye contact with my friend and the appearance that I was secretly obsessed with him. (Because, I’m not…I just don’t want him to think I am, okay?)

The other musician was very talented, and after the show I chatted with her, and asked her questions about her music and was randomly awkward, and then my friend came over and I generally made small talk with them both, and then I left the shop with my brother, and then I ran back a second later to ask them another important question I’d forgotten, music-related, and basically, I think I proved that I wasn’t a creepy stalker.

…Right??

That’s the impression you get from this slim account of the night’s activities: that I’m not a creepy stalker, I just…over-think things?

Yes?

Maybe?

NO! Realized it. I just enjoy actually seeing my friends and now I have to accept the fact that I have friends that are guys that I am not in love with, and hanging out with them and wanting to see them is perfectly normal.

This is a simple realization, I’m just…I forget and complicate things sometimes.

 

 

-That girl who stands outside of coffee shops.

 

 

 

 

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I think he likes you…

I just had a nine hour day with my friend Luke. We’ll call him Luke. Luke. You know Luke! – I introduced him in my last post. Well, it was a re-introduction…

Anyway, Luke and I chilled all day. Luke likes to talk a lot. Luke talked a lot. We talked a lot.

I spent most of the time trying to convince him with words that the world isn’t absolutely horrible and that I really believe God is merciful and loving and that Luke just has to chill a bit. I was saying a bunch of stuff, I mean, I’m really still exhausted from it all, because I was playing music with him most of the day, and then talking with him, and talking more, and I woke up super early and haven’t eaten much food, and anyway what it comes down to is I explained my life view as God creating us to love and be happy, and creation being good because God created it and saw it was good. The question of why God is allowing the suffering to continue being answered more by Luke in that, creation, as it is good, is allowed to exist because more goodness can come from it, despite the evil.

Basically we discussed the whole idea that life is good despite the suffering. That’s what I was trying to convince him of. That’s what I was talking to him about. Yes.

So, that’s what I did. We chatted about it for hours, and then my Mom kept asking me if I was alive, via texts, and I kept responding back that I was, and anyway, now I’m home.

Of course my Mom was super inquisitive about how I spent practically the entire day with my friend, so I told her about my day and the music playing and chatting, and all she says at the end, after several interruptions and general remarks about theology, is “I think he likes you.”

So my entire theological, music filled, important day with my friend Luke just got turned into “a guy likes you.”

After I calmly responded by saying: “Yes, maybe, but we were just talking as friends…”, my Mom bursts out, “DID HE TRY TO KISS YOU!?” in an excited teenage girl tone. I said no. This resulted in her saying “aw!” and swinging her fist slightly downward through the air in disappointment.

 

Anyway, that was my night, and my Mother’s response to my friendships may explain why I think so many guys are falling in love with me in the first place, and why I keep falling for them. (…Perhaps she has too many daughters and so she thinks she knows everything about relationships and thinks she can read tell-tale signs of things…Mothers…gotta love them… ) (Also, no, he really did not try to kiss me. We seriously were just talking like friends, because we are friends.)

 

I need to go to sleep now. Feel free to ponder my life. I ponder it.

Goodnight.

– Cdukulele

 

 

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Good things.

I’m in pain, and it’s enough pain that I’m back to taking two Ibuprofen every four hours to deal with the achy, sore, and generally exhaustedness, and I still feel like I might just go curl up in my bed, but, I’m still happy.

Because there’s so much happy stuff in my life, that I can’t help but be content. So much hope. So much good.

It’s good because…yesterday I had coffee.

I danced with my four year old niece.

I got a slight sunburn from being outside too much.

I raised money for pregnant women and babies.

I got to hug my other four year old niece.

I got to see my godson smile.

I spent time with family.

The guy I’m starting to like actually lets me know that he likes me.

The guy that I like is actually a decent guy.

I wrote a new ukulele song, and know what I’m going to play at open mic night.

My brother wants to help me record my songs at the little production company his friend started.

My sister wants me to sing a song at her wedding reception.

I feel hopeful for the future.

I’m content with the present.

I’m building on the past.

Things are going well, even with the pain.

It’s exhausting, but it’s good.

Have a blessed day.

I am.

 

 

–  Catherine

 

 

 

 

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Two cups of coffee and Mexican food.

I’m happy.

I consumed that stuff.

I also listened to live music.

And met more musicians from my hometown.

I’m expanding my horizons, increasing my number of acquaintances, meeting new people.

It’s nice. It’s going well.

I can do this.

I can be happy.

– cdukulele

 

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