Tag Archives: christian

Poem: Wading through thorns.

“I appreciate you” I say pointlessly, while my hormones are raging, and I allow them to force me to speak this momentarily overwhelming stupid thought, that is half honesty, out of an attempt to make you communicate something more toward me. Communicate. With me.

Heart pounding and I see you smile and just want to wrap my arms around you, wrap your arms around me, be warm and soft and held tight like you love me.

Cursing these hormones and these thoughts and hopes that are built on short bouts of laughter and glances from your dark, beautiful eyes.

You stare a lot, and I don’t know what you communicate, but you set my heart on fire and it won’t seem to go out.

Glances and smiles with those beautiful eyes and beautiful cheeks and beautiful teeth gleaming white, perfectly set in a smiling mouth.

You are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are attractive and every physical part of me wants to be closer to you, and I’m at war with myself, mind over matter, because the matter is trying to take over and I’m starting to lose my mind.

I don’t want to lose my mind.

Because mentally, oh beautifully attractive one, mentally I know it is not time. Mentally, oh captivating heartthrob, causer of my heartbeats and blackouts of mind, mentally, I know that this is more overwhelming infatuation than love. This is more biological than rational, this is more instinct than instance, this is more me wanting to be loved than me loving, and I can’t have that.

I can’t have this.

I repel that desire for objectification, no matter the momentary elation of that satiation of desire, I repel that instant gratification, that short term duration of feeling, built on matter fleeting, of feeding that burning fire
that burns without purpose except to excite, that burns with heat but gives no great light, that burns to consume and exhaust and deplete, I reject that sterile and empty feat.
I reject the unwholesome consumption of you, crumbling your beauty not loving you through, I reject that notion that hearts can’t be tamed, that we can go on and on and not be blamed, I reject this notion, this desire to obtain, I reject these thoughts that leave love lame, I reject the dampening of Purity’s gleam, ruining her waters, defiling a stream of love, of goodness, of truth and joy, of happiness and beauty and all we employ when deeply and truly loving each other, I reject the bad and will accept no other love – except a love that is true, a love that loves every aspect of you.

I will fight for the truth and a heart that embraces
you and every single one of your faces,
you when you’re broken and you when you’re down,
you when you’re silent and when you make no sound,
you when you’re shouting and singing for joy,
you when you’re manly, or when you feel like a boy,
you when you need me and you when you don’t,
you when you help me and you when you won’t,
to love you despite, in addition, and because,
to love you for reasons that were, are, and was,
I will fight for a love that embraces all things that make you more holy and through which God brings us closer to him and to each other, deeper in love with him and one another.

I will fight for the Love he provides with no mercy.
I will fight for the Love he provides til I’m worthy
to have you, to hold you, to love you, a man,
I will fight to love you and try til I can.

You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and once that beauty was all I could see, blinded by the gift of sight, couldn’t see the soul surrounded in light. You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and I will try to love that beauty, love and respect and pray for and wait, and melt the lust that’s hiding self-hate. You are beautiful, you reflect perfection, and I will wait until God points me in the right direction. You are beautiful and my heart reaches for you, but it will stay still until I ever say “I do”.

Thank you Lord, for the beauty in the world, and please protect the heart of this awestruck girl.

AMEN.

 

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Smoothing out the roller coaster thoughts because God is good.

I feel like my blog just kinda is. Like, I’ll randomly post a poem, and then I’ll throwback to some draft I never published, and then I’ll update you on current events in my life, and it’s a bit like a roller coaster. It lacks the cohesiveness that it once kinda sorta had, like where I was panicked about recovering from surgery and college, and then panicked about non-existent relationships, and then panicked about grad school, and then panicked about non-existent relationships. I suppose I may be over-estimating its former cohesiveness.

At any rate, I’m here, updating this lovely blog with a current post and not just dusting off an old draft, because I feel like I should do that every couple of days. It’s possible that I post too frequently, but between gradschool and not hanging out with the friends I wish I had, I have a lot of free time. The time isn’t exactly free, but my options are like, a. do piles of homework, b. sobbingly munch on comfort foods, c. watch netflix, d. scroll my facebook newsfeed and hope that someone will talk to me, or e. write a blog post. With those options I tend to choose the blog post, because then at least I have the excuse of being reflective while I don’t get anything super useful done.

So yeah, reflective time… Last year around now I was sobbing every other day because grad school overwhelmed me by adding homework and class to what I had to do with my time, and I was really sad about my lack of freedom. I also didn’t have a license and my few friendships were with guys I had crushes on who did not feel the same way about me. My physical therapy was still pretty pathetic, my body hurt more than it did now, and overall I think I was probably depressed.

This school year so far I have only really sobbed once. It was three hours before my very first class for the semester, and I was questioning God and breaking down, wondering why life was so miserable. Then I went to class and our professor gave a twenty-minute inspiring speech about how she got to where she was today and the tears she shed and the suffering she went through and how it was all worth it…I took that as a sign, and now I just keep seeing the positives of my situation and the negatives aren’t too much to bear.

I also now have a license, and with that I have spent more time developing my friendships with people who aren’t guys that I have unrequited crushes on, and while I am still often lonely, I have at least one female friend who can’t wait to hang out with me every week. Plus, a year of school has developed my friendships with people further, and I have support and people I can talk to about school, at least, and school friends who go to the gym with me, furthering my physical healing.

After a year of pulling through and venting and crying and questioning, I still don’t know exactly what I’m doing with my future. I don’t know if I really want to be a teacher, or if I’m dashing my dreams of music entirely…but I do know that while I’ve been suffering and pathetically responding to my situation, by actually trying at this teaching thing I’ve managed to improve my life in just about every way in the last two years.

I thought I was going downhill, but apparently I’m still going up.

…and while I just spent the last hour not doing homework I definitely think it wasn’t wasted.

Thank you for being there on this journey.

I’ll probably break down again in a couple of weeks, or like, right before my big project is due tomorrow evening, but in the mean time I’m just gonna try to appreciate the beauty of the life God has giving me and how everything is working out, even if it’s not as expected, or even if it’s not in the time I want it to.

Also, you can look forward to more roller coaster blasts from the past, because I have like, 30 other drafts from last year that I haven’t posted.

-cdukulele

(P.S. The Pope is in America and I’m Catholic. Life rocks. Like the rock of the Church. Peter. The first Pope. OH YEAH.)

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