Tag Archives: Christ

Fighting colds and exes.

My life feels like it’s in shambles…but that’s probably because I’m fighting a cold, and not because it’s reality.

My ex is trying to get back into my life and he’s made some fairly convincing arguments. Arguments that I’ve batted away with reminders of all the ways he failed me when we were together.

I’m like venom and he doesn’t care.

He just keeps taking the bites.

I’m rather miserable over it all. I’ve had a cold for just about the same amount of time I’ve had him back in my life.

 

And I’m afraid of being alone, and he makes me laugh, and I can be a¬†horrible person to him and he still wants me in his life.

It’s not healthy.

I’m not healthy.

I’m sick in the short term and the long term.

A bundle of bones that I’ve been trying to protect by ordering copious amounts of supportive dress shoes online for.

I try them on, realize they don’t fit/don’t fit and aren’t something I could ever conceivably wear to a work or dress function anyway, and return them.

Then I pity myself.

 

Things are a million times better than when I spent Christmas in a neckbrace, but why do I feel so much worse?

How does my ex-love keep hurting me.

Why do I want him back in my life?

I need a cup of tea and to have my Christmas shopping finished.

I need Christ in my heart pulverizing my loneliness and empty desires for the people who crush my soul.

I want good people in my life who support me and love me and help me continue on a path to righteousness…and I don’t know what my ex is.

It hurts. I know it hurts.

It hurts so much that somehow I’m left questioning all that I am, a woman, a college student, a daughter – an unemployed bunch of failings.

I’ve rejected concert offers, because I haven’t written anything new in months and because I don’t want to handle the stress anymore.

I’m cutting out music to focus on…drawing it into my life as a future teacher.

Because I’m tired.

I’m tired.

I need sleep. I need some preparation for Christmas. Christ’s coming to my heart.

 

Aye.

 

God bless you all, fight on!

-I got a cold.

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing

I’m sorry

Dear Ex, I’m sorry.

I went to the last place we were together today, I had to for a school related thing, and I walked past the places that we walked past, and through the doors you walked through after you kissed me on the cheek for the last time. I missed you, and I’m sorry.

I wanted to be with you, I still want to be with you, and it is because you’re smart and you’re funny, and you tend to get my jokes. It’s because you’re sweet and you’re sensitive and you want to give the world to the people you love. It’s because you care, and you care deeply. It’s because you want to love.

I know that you are trying, or at least that you want to try, please know that I’m trying to…But at some point I realized that no matter how much we tried, you were still looking for someone to make you accept yourself, and I was accepting you beyond what was right, in order to not be alone.

It would have been more loving to tell you sooner that you needed to find yourself before trying to be with someone. It would have been more loving to let you have the personal space to realize your own worth, before becoming mixed up in your calculations of what it meant to be loveable. It would have been more loving to let you be my brother in Christ, rather than being the woman in your life…to let you know unconditional love, than to make you think that you were only loved on romantic conditions.

I’m sorry, because now the romance has crumbled and the friendship that could have been is shattered.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you love yourself…I’m sorry I couldn’t make you realize that you are enough just in who you are, that you don’t have to be enough for me, just for God…and I’m hoping, praying, that as you go on in life, you realize that you are loved, and loved more fully and better by someone who loves you more than I ever could or will.

I’m sorry, I love you, and I wish you the best.

I hope that I can grow too, that I can become stronger and heal from the pain, that I can build strong friendships and worry less about romance, that I will be able to look back on our memories and relationship and not dwell on the pain, and not dwell on my longing, but rather after some time to be able to look back and see how much we’ve grown…To see how much stronger, how much better, how much holier we are. To see how we’ve changed and grown closer to God, how we’ve used our gifts to build up and love the people around us. To see us happy and content even if completely apart. And to see you either become a priest or be happily married to a beautiful woman of God. Either one of those would be great.

Anyway, that’s what I’m hoping for, and in the meantime I love you and will love you from afar, as my brother in Christ, praying we both become closer to Christ, Amen.

P.s. I blocked you on facebook.

P.p.s. I have faith that God has better plans for us than each other. [Does that sound bad? If so then I’m kind of proving my point then, aren’t I? I mean, COME ON, how can I be the one for you (God is the only true ONE for all of us) if I’m offending you all the time. Case and point. LOVE YA AS A BRO, BRO!]

 

 

 

 

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Oh Brother…

Being a Christian can be ridiculously difficult for a number of reasons…You’re generally frowned upon for holding beliefs that conflict with the larger society (I’m pro-life and believe sex belongs in the context of marriage) and you’re constantly being called to sainthood (which means putting others before yourself, which is self-sacrifice, and self-sacrifice is never a walk in the park…unless someone asks you to walk through a park with them because they are incredibly lonely and need someone to act like Christ in their life, in which case it might actually be a walk in the park).

That is why it is amazingly wonderful when you come across another Christian, walking on their path to God, who is totally in line with the self-sacrifice thing, and trying their  hardest to get to heaven. These people are inspiring. They want to give up things for you, pray for you, discuss the faith with you and help you on your path, let you know you are loved and supported by both God and them, and their existence in your life is pretty much evidence that God loves you.

That is why it is a problem when these wonderful people start complimenting you…On like, your appearance…and suddenly, instead of viewing them like a brother in Christ when they say “I love you”, you start to wonder if there’s something more behind their words. How much do they love you? In what way do they love you?

Of course, people falling in love with other people who share their beliefs is not an issue, but people falling in love with people who share their beliefs when the person they are falling in love with is simply loving them platonically is a problem.

The solution:
A. Ignore it and wait for the compliments to become less frequent or confusing.
B. Tell the person that calling you “beautiful”, “adorable”, and “cute” under their breath that it’s confusing.
C. Write a blog post about it.

 

 

Yes, I chose option C.

-cdukulele

 

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's life., Cdukulele's love life., Various writing

Poem: Wading through thorns.

“I appreciate you” I say pointlessly, while my hormones are raging, and I allow them to force me to speak this momentarily overwhelming stupid thought, that is half honesty, out of an attempt to make you communicate something more toward me. Communicate. With me.

Heart pounding and I see you smile and just want to wrap my arms around you, wrap your arms around me, be warm and soft and held tight like you love me.

Cursing these hormones and these thoughts and hopes that are built on short bouts of laughter and glances from your dark, beautiful eyes.

You stare a lot, and I don’t know what you communicate, but you set my heart on fire and it won’t seem to go out.

Glances and smiles with those beautiful eyes and beautiful cheeks and beautiful teeth gleaming white, perfectly set in a smiling mouth.

You are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are attractive and every physical part of me wants to be closer to you, and I’m at war with myself, mind over matter, because the matter is trying to take over and I’m starting to lose my mind.

I don’t want to lose my mind.

Because mentally, oh beautifully attractive one, mentally I know it is not time. Mentally, oh captivating heartthrob, causer of my heartbeats and blackouts of mind, mentally, I know that this is more overwhelming infatuation than love. This is more biological than rational, this is more instinct than instance, this is more me wanting to be loved than me loving, and I can’t have that.

I can’t have this.

I repel that desire for objectification, no matter the momentary elation of that satiation of desire, I repel that instant gratification, that short term duration of feeling, built on matter fleeting, of feeding that burning fire
that burns without purpose except to excite, that burns with heat but gives no great light, that burns to consume and exhaust and deplete, I reject that sterile and empty feat.
I reject the unwholesome consumption of you, crumbling your beauty not loving you through, I reject that notion that hearts can’t be tamed, that we can go on and on and not be blamed, I reject this notion, this desire to obtain, I reject these thoughts that leave love lame, I reject the dampening of Purity’s gleam, ruining her waters, defiling a stream of love, of goodness, of truth and joy, of happiness and beauty and all we employ when deeply and truly loving each other, I reject the bad and will accept no other love – except a love that is true, a love that loves every aspect of you.

I will fight for the truth and a heart that embraces
you and every single one of your faces,
you when you’re broken and you when you’re down,
you when you’re silent and when you make no sound,
you when you’re shouting and singing for joy,
you when you’re manly, or when you feel like a boy,
you when you need me and you when you don’t,
you when you help me and you when you won’t,
to love you despite, in addition, and because,
to love you for reasons that were, are, and was,
I will fight for a love that embraces all things that make you more holy and through which God brings us closer to him and to each other, deeper in love with him and one another.

I will fight for the Love he provides with no mercy.
I will fight for the Love he provides til I’m worthy
to have you, to hold you, to love you, a man,
I will fight to love you and try til I can.

You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and once that beauty was all I could see, blinded by the gift of sight, couldn’t see the soul surrounded in light. You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and I will try to love that beauty, love and respect and pray for and wait, and melt the lust that’s hiding self-hate. You are beautiful, you reflect perfection, and I will wait until God points me in the right direction. You are beautiful and my heart reaches for you, but it will stay still until I ever say “I do”.

Thank you Lord, for the beauty in the world, and please protect the heart of this awestruck girl.

AMEN.

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems

Love, love, love

It seems that loving someone and letting someone know you love them are not always the same thing. Sometimes letting someone know you care is a big part of a relationship, telling them and showing them you love them, and sometimes love is more obviously stated in what you don’t do. Sometimes the most loving thing is to say nothing at all, and let someone go, giving them the space they need to grow, move on with their lives, and continue to learn how to love.

Someone asked me the other day how to love people, how to live your life in a loving way, doing your best and giving the most to everyone you encounter in your life. I responded that basically, we go through our lives interacting with people in a myriad of settings and ways, and creating a guidebook for how to love people in every specific situation is not possible… and I made attempts to explain how I loved in my life with explanations of daily interactions and such.

I think it was said best however, by St. Paul in his first letter to the Corinthians, chapter 13 verse 4-8:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, [love] is not pompous, it is not inflated,it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”

If I had recalled this exact quote at the time I was speaking to my friend, it probably would have been helpful. These words are certainly more rich than my lines about meeting people on the street and being pleasant, or making time to play with my niece, unknowingly using personal experiences to try to explain what scripture had already covered. Playing with a four year old requires patience and kindness, seeing their delight in simple things like throwing a frisbee back and forth, and patiently teaching them the proper throwing methods (to the best of your poor abilities), these things require love. Simply stating that playing with your niece is love, gives people a relatable reference, but the scripture really explains the why.

At any rate, my explanation seemed to help my friend, and provided me with some good reflection on my life as of late, and I think it is eventually what spurred me to write this post. The beautiful, complicated, and yet somehow simple process of just being the best you can be at every moment, and living a life more for others than yourself…Which is really ultimately living for yourself because living to love is the best reason to live.

-cdukulele

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Poem about Real Love

The internet allows for waaaaaay too much stalking. Too much heart stupidity. I should write some more happy stuff on here.

I’m a nut.
Thinking about what?
You, and your stupid little star striking ability.
Your voice kinda devours me.
Please go marry her.
Go fall and love and be happy.
Then maybe I can fall into my role as best friend, instead of heartbroken lover.

This is why I shouldn’t have friends.
This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to have guy friends.
This is why I can’t socialize with people like you.Beautiful people with beautiful voices that I just want to hug.

Is it possible to hug a voice?
Your voice makes me feel like hugging, and jumping through fields of lavendar.

It makes me feel so very angry and so very happy at the same time. So angry happy. So happy, that I’m angry.
I feel like you had more control over this than I did.
Like you knew what you were doing, with your voice, and your words, and your friendship,
Melting my heart.

Mine is an unreasonable response.
Unreasonable, unlogical response, and like a muse, you go on, and I melt, lost and inspired in my pain.
But yours is an unreasonable beauty.
I can’t love it so much, it cannot be so loveable, so desirable, so soul stretching, but it is, losing me in its depth.

The Lord knows. That unfathomable beauty, that unfathomable desire for it. He knows. He sees it. He lives it. He makes it.

The beauty to reflect back to him, the desire to pull towards him.

In my loneliness I look at that which is lovely and I realize it doesn’t fill my emptiness.
I look at that which draws me in and I see that it’s meant to bring me to more, to the source of all love.

I am drawn in by your beauty, but I am drawn past you, past the creation, to the Creator, past the painting and to the painter of real love itself, drawn to him, drawn to Christ, drawn to true Love.

I love you, oh how I love you, and I am going to try to continue to love because of you, because of the light of the Love I see in you, that reflection of the perfection.

I will continue to love you, to try to love you, like a lover of Christ.

Working toward perfection with my life.

I will love, and that will be enough, for me.

———

Now to find an open mic to read that at… – Catherine.

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Filed under All Poetry, Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems