Tag Archives: chastity

Poem: Wading through thorns.

“I appreciate you” I say pointlessly, while my hormones are raging, and I allow them to force me to speak this momentarily overwhelming stupid thought, that is half honesty, out of an attempt to make you communicate something more toward me. Communicate. With me.

Heart pounding and I see you smile and just want to wrap my arms around you, wrap your arms around me, be warm and soft and held tight like you love me.

Cursing these hormones and these thoughts and hopes that are built on short bouts of laughter and glances from your dark, beautiful eyes.

You stare a lot, and I don’t know what you communicate, but you set my heart on fire and it won’t seem to go out.

Glances and smiles with those beautiful eyes and beautiful cheeks and beautiful teeth gleaming white, perfectly set in a smiling mouth.

You are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are attractive and every physical part of me wants to be closer to you, and I’m at war with myself, mind over matter, because the matter is trying to take over and I’m starting to lose my mind.

I don’t want to lose my mind.

Because mentally, oh beautifully attractive one, mentally I know it is not time. Mentally, oh captivating heartthrob, causer of my heartbeats and blackouts of mind, mentally, I know that this is more overwhelming infatuation than love. This is more biological than rational, this is more instinct than instance, this is more me wanting to be loved than me loving, and I can’t have that.

I can’t have this.

I repel that desire for objectification, no matter the momentary elation of that satiation of desire, I repel that instant gratification, that short term duration of feeling, built on matter fleeting, of feeding that burning fire
that burns without purpose except to excite, that burns with heat but gives no great light, that burns to consume and exhaust and deplete, I reject that sterile and empty feat.
I reject the unwholesome consumption of you, crumbling your beauty not loving you through, I reject that notion that hearts can’t be tamed, that we can go on and on and not be blamed, I reject this notion, this desire to obtain, I reject these thoughts that leave love lame, I reject the dampening of Purity’s gleam, ruining her waters, defiling a stream of love, of goodness, of truth and joy, of happiness and beauty and all we employ when deeply and truly loving each other, I reject the bad and will accept no other love – except a love that is true, a love that loves every aspect of you.

I will fight for the truth and a heart that embraces
you and every single one of your faces,
you when you’re broken and you when you’re down,
you when you’re silent and when you make no sound,
you when you’re shouting and singing for joy,
you when you’re manly, or when you feel like a boy,
you when you need me and you when you don’t,
you when you help me and you when you won’t,
to love you despite, in addition, and because,
to love you for reasons that were, are, and was,
I will fight for a love that embraces all things that make you more holy and through which God brings us closer to him and to each other, deeper in love with him and one another.

I will fight for the Love he provides with no mercy.
I will fight for the Love he provides til I’m worthy
to have you, to hold you, to love you, a man,
I will fight to love you and try til I can.

You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and once that beauty was all I could see, blinded by the gift of sight, couldn’t see the soul surrounded in light. You are beautiful, sitting across from me, and I will try to love that beauty, love and respect and pray for and wait, and melt the lust that’s hiding self-hate. You are beautiful, you reflect perfection, and I will wait until God points me in the right direction. You are beautiful and my heart reaches for you, but it will stay still until I ever say “I do”.

Thank you Lord, for the beauty in the world, and please protect the heart of this awestruck girl.

AMEN.

 

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Sleep deprivation suits me.

I composed a super excited post yesterday about how happy I was that I finally had my laptop working, after it was mysteriously died and refused to function a year back, and about how happy I was that my brother bought me a new charger and got rid of all the viruses, and how life was wonderful now that I could use my laptop, and I clicked the post button and went to view my first post in a year via my wonderful computer, and half the words in the post were blue. Highlighted blue. With hyperlinks. To things. Things that I did not hyperlink my words to.

So, I’m guessing there is still something wrong with my computer. Unless that’s a new wordpress thing, to automatically link your words to shifty advertisements for computer sales when you highlight them? I do not think so.

Anyway, my brother’s going to check it out for me, I hope, and in the meantime I’ll keep posting on the family computer. Where the computer history is saved and my super secret undercover blog can easily be found in half a second. Good thing I don’t ENTIRELY care about whether my family stumbles upon this SUPER SECRET UNDERCOVER blog….

On the plus side, I found out that I can survive on two and a half hours of sleep! I even managed to set up a tea party for my niece and play some ukulele music for her! (She’s a great audience. She lets me know which songs she does or doesn’t like and, if I ask, she’ll tell me why.)

“Why? Why, did I only get two and a half hours of sleep?”, you ask. Why, because I stayed up until two in the morning with my brother playing a zombie shooting island survival game…and then I huddled in my bed slightly terrified and only was able to sleep after distracting myself by watching videos and reading articles from http://chastityproject.com/ for two hours. (Pretty interesting stuff, you should check it out. ;D)

I woke up at 7…and then again at 7:06, (precious six minutes), and then I started babysitting until my father came home and wonderfully took my niece with him on a trip to his SUPER FUN AND EXCITING classroom to organize things!

And so, this brings me to now. I am typing a post, fueled by only two and a half hours of sleep and half a cup of tea. Not to mention the energy derived from the excitement that a small child having a tea party provides. I have so many plans for the rest of the day: exercise, shower, play music, clean up the tea party mess…but I’ll probably end up napping and miss half of that. Hopefully I make it through the shower…

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this overly detailed and sleep deprived account of the last eighteen hours of my life, I know I did! Ha…ha….

I need sleep.

– Cdukulele

 

 

 

 

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