Tag Archives: cancer

Sad tea-cups

…are those with almond milk in them instead of real milk.

Also, 5 minutes after posting my update about my friend with cancer having a smaller tumor, I got a text from her asking me to pray for her because she was in the worst pain yet. At two am, after I’d gotten two hours of sleep and inexplicably woke up, she contacted me again and we talked and she seemed to be better. I then stayed up til some crazy hour, and then woke up and had a fairly pleasant day. Knowing your friend is not as bad off as she was right before you went to bed that night has a way of making days better.

In other totally non-consequential news:

I might have gone on two dates with two different guys in the last two weeks, but nobody ever calls anything a date anymore so I really have no idea, but I kind of think one of the guys almost tried to kiss me judging by the strange pause at the end of the night just after we arrived at my car and took out my keys to leave. That would definitely put the second hang out in the “date” category, but the pause could have also simply been awkwardness. Who knows? I definitely don’t.
When you don’t go around kissing people you have no idea when you are in a kissing-people situation or not.

That’s my life.

P.S. Continued prayers for my friend are appreciated. Prayers for all totally confused young people who don’t know if they are on dates or not are also appreciated.

P.P.S. I have no idea how to balance talking about my feelings about my friend with cancer with my feelings about the rest of my life, as they are completely different segments of my life. However, the way life works is that everything just kinda gets shoved together and it is your life, and sometimes, 60-70 years later, you look back on it and maybe you see patterns, and then you write nice little uniform books about the experiences, or maybe sell the movie rights or whatever…But that doesn’t happen in the middle of the experience, when everything is happening at once and you don’t know what’s important and what’s not besides what you think about it in the moment. It is from this disjointed reality that my blog posts are born. In fifty to sixty years maybe I’ll write a book. For now you get the mess to make sense or nonsense of all on your own. Have fun!





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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Update, God is Good!

My friend with cancer’s tumor has shrunk.

It’s wonderful news.

She keeps saying that my prayers are the reason for it.

I have no idea what God is up to and how much he’s working through me, but I’ll take it.

Thank you for your prayers too.


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Wherein I blog about my petty problems and loneliness:

Losing friends when you’re already literally losing friends sucks.

Like, I don’t know what I did or didn’t do to make you hate me.

Clearly, I need to stop putting myself on a pedestal of perfection wherein I can do no wrong.

Stop believing the people who say that everyone loves me.

Who goes around telling someone that everyone loves them anyway?

It’s not possible for everyone to love you.

An inflated ego results in loneliness.

I have so many friends but no one to spend time with.

It hurts.

How do I make myself more loveable?

And yet I can’t bow to society now…just when I’m discovering how much the world hates me once again. People don’t like friends who tell them they’re wrong.

I thought that’s what real friends did. Told you to your face to stop doing whatever messed up thing you’re doing.

…And now I’m so scared of losing all my other friendships that I don’t want to let anything go.

Slipping on eggshells and grasping at strings.

I miss…finding happiness in solid things that didn’t leave me every five seconds. I miss the security of being loved and wanted and knowing I was loved and wanted and it being enough.

Feeling like I’m losing one solid friendship makes me eager to hold on to all the others. I can’t handle losing her and everybody else.

I wish they understood my weak and feeble state.

The fact that I’m not a horrible friend or a horrible person, I’m just dealing with stuff less petty than their love problems right now and it makes me…a horrible friend and a horrible person.

Forgive me.

It’s too late now. I apologized and I can’t be perfection. I can’t be fully unselfish for them and fully unselfish for her.

When one friend is dying I guess I let my other friendships die.

Because I can be utterly alone, but I don’t want her to feel lonely.

Because if all I can do is be good enough for her, then I will choose the one dying over the ones who simply think their day to day dramas are matters of life and death.

So yes, I am not a good friend, not to them.

But to her I’m going to try hard as heck to be.

She doesn’t have  enough time left for me to waste my time and energy on people who don’t care.

I don’t have enough time.

So in being an amazing friend, I let myself become a horrible friend, and I lose both friendships, because she has cancer, and they’ll probably never forgive me.

Or just now, when it matters, they won’t, and they’ll leave me alone. So I’m left to deal with this utterly alone.

Which is totally fair.

Because it’s not their problem to deal with.

We were never that good friends to begin with.

I was just there. They were just there. Now the tragedy strikes and I want them back…but they won’t be around.

And I hurt.

But it’s little pain in the grand scheme of things.

Little pain, little loneliness, compared to so many.

So little…but it still hurts.


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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Twenty things I was thinking and turned into a list that has nothing in common except that they are my thoughts.

  1. I commented on people’s blogs, and then they thought that what I said was so helpful, they even brought up my name and tagged my blog. I appreciate this ().
  2. I especially appreciate the tagging, because in unjustnyx’s post, after reading about my great relationship advice (because I totally know what I’m talking about…), you can click on my name and jump immediately to my latest post in which I’m talking about how my friend is dying of cancer. I like the total lack of segue.
  3. I just got back from visiting the friend with cancer, and I was lying in my bed crying and feeling alone until I went to my wordpress account, and discovered the tagging, and felt better, and started the post updating.
  4. I realize I should have started this numbering system with number three maybe, and proceeded from there, but I was happy for a moment and wanted to dwell on that.
  5. It’s possible that I’m not emotionally there enough to form this into a cohesive post.
  6. Yesterday school made me cry again, for reasons of complexities that looked like they might result in dropping out, and then I had to stop the crying because my cancer friend was waiting to eat dinner for me downstairs in the hotel. So I literally sat on a bed, cried five tears, exhaled a couple times, told myself YOU CAN’T CRY, BEST FRIEND NEEDS YOU! and then went to pay for a seven dollar cup of tea.
  7. Stupidly over-priced hotel restaurants should not charge you 7 dollars for tea when they give you four bags of complimentary tea in your room.
  8. You should not order 7 dollar cups of tea from hotel restaurants when you have four packs of complimentary tea in your room.
  9. Baths aren’t everything they’re cracked up to be.
  10. Swimming is always wonderful…Even in January…at 9 am…After 3 hours of sleep, when it’s 60 degrees outside.
  11. Writing your crush’s name in the sand on an isolated beach and then drawing hearts next to and around it can be kinda fun and cathartic in a weird way.
  12. Writing your crush’s name in the sand on an isolated beach next to a friend with a camera phone is NOT A GOOD IDEA.
  13. Attempting to destroy the sand-written name before your friend with the camera phone can snap a photo of it is also a bad idea, as the end result will be a photo with both the name and your hand in it, providing perfect evidence of the fact that you have a crush on the guy with the sand-written name.
  14. Later that night, when your friend uploads photos to facebook and says she didn’t upload the one that would ruin you forever because your crush would know everything, do not take her word for it. Double check, because yes, while she didn’t upload that ONE photo that she took of her handwriting the name more clearly to amuse herself, apparently she did upload the one where you can see your hand.
  15. Facebook is incredibly tricky when it comes to making sure photos are properly deleted…and in a way, you are somehow worried they are still there…somehow…forever and ever…just waiting.
  16. Do not tell your friend about how she should save that photo of the sand-written name for future reference, like, in case you fall in love with and marry this guy, and then she can frame it and give it to you…Apparently, this thought is crazy, and you will be mocked.
  17. It is probably unfair to continuously tell my friend with cancer “You can not die.” I may think it over and over, every time she does something ridiculous that only she would do, every time she says something that only she would say, every time she reminds me of what an utterly unique (albeit strange), fascinating, devoted, person and friend she is, and I may continuously tell myself that this person must continue to exist on the planet and can not die, because I can’t handle their death and them not being there…but…it is not fair to tell that to them. It is not fair to give them the undue pressure of remaining alive. Only of course for the fact that they have little to no control over it…and I shouldn’t tell people not to do the things they may have no control over.
  18. On the other hand, if my friend was completely in control of it, then yes, I would repeatedly tell her that, because she is not allowed to just give up. You have to try. Because giving up is not an option. Why? Because it isn’t. It just isn’t. You have no idea of the lives you impact and the gifts you bring and honestly, the truth is, you’re not living for you. If you were living for you you’d be miserable and the world would be a miserable place to live. We live for love, we live for people, we live for each other, and you can not give up just because your life just got flippin miserable.
  19. Also, you live for you, and that’s another reason to not give up. Because the flippin misery can flippin go away. I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but giving up isn’t gonna help it, and even if you’re flippin miserable you can be flippin’ happy at the same time. It’s a conundrum of life and basically, life’s a mix of the misery and the happy and being miserable does not ensure happiness will never happen again and you just got to keep trying, for me, for you, because I love and I want you to love, and I want you to live and be happy.
  20. This is the end of the random thought list.



Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing

Coaxing my friend through Cancer

Our code word is hippopotamus.

That’s what she’s supposed to say when I’ve made one too many jokes about a rocky relationship or generally used my sense of humor to get over something serious in a non-serious way and accidentally erred on the side of injury.

She laughed out loud and asked if we could change it to platypus, because hippopotamus was much too difficult to say without laughing.

I told her that was half the point, and refused her request, then I added a note saying “code word: hippopotamus” to the word document I was keeping notes about our conversation in.

I didn’t realize how much I missed her until I saw her on the skype window, chatting away, laughing at my jokes, making the same familiar facial expressions, staring at me blankly when I said something stupid or made another joke that she didn’t think merited a laugh.

I miss her.

I miss her and I don’t want to let her go.

It’s selfish really, but I let her know that, the first half only, the missing. That part works out well for me though, because I’m going to go visit her in a week, so…pretty soon I’ll get to see her again…but then.

She doesn’t seem to concerned with it. We talked about the five stages of grief, and she’s floating somewhere between denial and all the other stages. We got to stage three, anger, and it talked about how the stages don’t really occupy a certain time, and you can just go from the last to the first and second and whatnot without any explanation, from one second to the next. Then we read stage four with depression, and it acted like this step was incredibly necessary, and it totally cancelled out the final comments for stage three that acted like you could bounce between the stages.

But, aside from the stages of grief discussion, most of our talk was about her boyfriend, and whether or not he was going through these stages, and how to fix their relationship.

I don’t know how to fix the relationship, and I don’t know how to fix the cancer. Neither of those are things anybody can fix really, they are both outside of my control, and outside of her control, as far as I can tell.

And so…all we really did was talk for two hours and it reminded me that my friend is dying and she is good and I love her and I miss her and I don’t want to lose someone close to me. But that’s selfish. But I let her know I loved her, because telling someone that is not selfish – not in this case. But not wanting to lose someone, is selfish, compared to not wanting to be lost.

And all she seems to care about is not losing somebody else.

So I’m praying for her healing and for her relationship, which to me is hardly as important as her simply staying alive, but still…I’m praying for both, and I’m trying to be there for my friend who is so many miles away.

And now I’m sharing this here for the other people who know people suffering from, fighting, living with cancer, and because…writing is what I do.

Thanks for your prayers.









Filed under Various writing

Good job prayer warriors!


I thought she had just swirled into a pool of depression and wasn’t talking to me because I kept mentioning surgery in my texts, but apparently she just hadn’t seen my texts, and she came back from Rome with one less tumor!!

It is fantastic news.

I have to talk to her soon to find out more details and to see what she is doing about the other tumors that haven’t miraculously disappeared. I really hope she does something.

BUT 1 TUMOR GONE!!!! Thank you for all your prayers and love! Keep it up!

And to add to the happiness, I just went out with a guy I met at Church last week. We exchanged numbers and chatted and he kept complimenting me, and then I was all, “dude, why you compliment me so much?” And he was all, “I’m just being sincere,” and I was all “dude I can’t read sincerity in a text”, and he was all, “I get you”, and then it was all, “We should hang out in real life”, and then we totally made plans and I wrote a blog post about it. And we just went out and it was nice. 🙂

So my close friend might not die in the near future, and I went on my second date ever.
Life is going well.





Filed under Cdukulele's life.


I don’t have the time right now to cry for you, since you won’t make the time to cry for you.

Your friend and I have been consulting. Your friend, my friend, our friend.
We’re both trying to deal with your situation, because it doesn’t seem like you’re dealing with it.
I have the deck.

Two weeks and then I’m doing something.
Is two weeks too much time, will it be too late?
Two weeks is enough time for you to find out whether or not God has healed you.
With faith to move mountains, he can surely heal a tumor.
But God doesn’t always work the way we expect…and I don’t know what you expect.
But, it may not happen the way you want, and then…then I have to pray that you love us enough to understand that we love you enough to want you to live.

Two weeks.
Then I’ll tell you everything I think. Will I have time? I’ll have to have time. You’ll have to have time…Because in two weeks, you’ll either be healthy, or still dying but finally acknowledging it for the world to see.

How are you so calm?

Because if you stopped for a moment to think about it, you’d never pull yourself together.
I wish you felt safe enough to let yourself fall apart.
I wish I was there so that you could fall apart.
I wish I could be there to love you, unconditionally, to ease you from this time of nonstop rush without a thought, to actually thinking, accepting, suffering, and getting through this.

I want you to get through this.

I love you, so get through this.


Filed under Various writing