Hello friends, I’ve missed you.
Now, since you probably haven’t missed me and didn’t even notice that I was out of your life to begin with, I’ll just start in again like I never left.
So, first things first, I found this book on the science of torture and pain and the effect it has on someone’s mind online and I bought it. I plan to read it places and have people stare at me questioningly while I dive through the science behind how my nerve damage is making me crazy.
Secondly, my nerve damage has actually been laying pretty low, so I’m happy. I guess what I mean is that I haven’t noticed it much. My shoulders have been aching a bit though, and occasionally my neck creaks in a way reminiscent of my surgery recovery days, and I get scared that I’m gonna wake up paralyzed or something. Then I ice my shoulders and sleep and take ibuprofen and it gets better, so I think I’m good. But my toes still aren’t numb, and I’ve survived several lengthy car trips, so my nerves are much better!
Thirdly, I nearly fell in love with a legit man recently. Like someone who actually shares my faith and values and love of music and brings me joy to be around and doesn’t have ulterior motives or anything. It was nice after falling for the musician who was just a friend and not part of my faith, and then spending too much time talking to the man who didn’t respect me, and then spending too much time falling for someone who theoretically shared my beliefs but was so depressed by life that it seemed he didn’t understand their important points, which then got me depressed. So then this happy faithful person comes into my life who is just a joy to be around, and of course instead of rationally and intelligently being his friend and just spending time with him like a normal human being, I start falling for him. Which results in two page long poems about his perfections, and then heartbreak when I face reality and stop living in a dream world of obsession.
Plus then I realized how obsessed I am with falling in love and how it clearly points to a deeper issue of loneliness and isolation, and so I wound up screaming song prayers in my car on the way home from Church, and just asking God to give me peace and contentment and help me get over this continuous falling for the beautiful men he has made that I will never be with, and to just let me love everyone genuinely and be a good person and get to heaven. So I did that. And when I got home ten minutes later I was back to crying and pondering why God would put all these people in my life I can never be with and leave me so lonely, and why he couldn’t just send me one friend at least to make life less miserable and how I just needed someone to talk to me and be my friend so that life felt less horrible, and I laid in my bed and thought about it until my brother noticed my absence and asked me what was wrong. I sidestepped his questions, we watched a Jackie Chan film, and I ate some much needed food to raise the low blood sugar that couldn’t have been helping my mood, and I felt kinda better and started being more responsible and attempting to deal with things. And in the midst of doing that I started a conversation with a friend online and remembered that I’m worth loving and have something to offer to the people in my life, and life can be happy and full of possibility.