Tag Archives: body

Putting things in Perspective

Life is good.

I’m working on the developing meaningful friendships with people of the opposite sex, and everyone really, and not being so obsessive.

I’m working really slowly, but I’m working on it.

I’m kind of critical of myself and paranoid about what others think of me sometimes. I think that a lot of what they do or don’t do is directly related to some fault of mine. I should stop thinking that way. It’s not healthy, because I can really only control myself and I probably have very little negative influence on these people, if any at all, and if it is there, then it’s probably nothing I can control.

But I tend to think I can control it, and want to control it, because I want to be accepted and approved of.

I don’t know why.

Maybe it’s because I feel so dependent upon others and so unable to really take care of myself, like without people I would be very badly off, and so I want them to approve of me and like me so that I feel safe and secure, because I don’t trust me to take care of me.

And I don’t trust me to take care of me because physically my body still can’t handle as much as a “healthy” person (or so I think), and mentally I’m afraid of something breaking or going wrong and being completely dependent upon others again, especially because the need for neurosurgery came out of nowhere, the neck breaking happened just as I was getting better, and I’m still not confident I’m completely recovered / I expect something else to go wrong.

But nothing should go wrong.

But something could go wrong.

So I obsess about finding people to support and take care of me as insurance against the possibility that I will be helpless and alone.

But life is going good…because…I’m finding people I think I can depend on? People who tell me to stop thinking so negatively. People who give me a slightly more positive outlook, not only in the realm of having people to depend on, but in the realm of actually being able to take care of myself at some point, and that everything will be okay.

Life is good because there are people in my life reminding me that it can be good. Reminding me that I should have a little faith, I can have a little faith.

That it will be okay.

That I’ll get through it, and I won’t be alone, and that I will be able to take care of myself.

Then again I could be struck by lightening tomorrow. That’d be bad…But that’d also be incredibly unlikely, as most of the negative things I dwell on probably are, so I should focus again on trusting in God and trusting in him working through me.

And that is how my mind works, think of something small, go to the extreme of blowing it out of proportion, go back to seeing it in the correct view, calm down.

It will be okay, and it is okay.

Peace and love to you.

 

 

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Faith

My oldest sister gave me a hug the other day.

I was standing in the kitchen, my voice wavering during my attempted explanation of my plans for my life and my future, trying to explain why I’m only working part time, and how I’m doing physical therapy, but it’s difficult, and really everything is more difficult when your body hurts, and she was asking questions and trying to be helpful and encourage me to do more. Then my eyes started to get watery, and my cheeks started to burn, and I couldn’t think of any more explanations for why I was failing so badly at my life, and I started crying, and she ran to the kitchen and wrapped her arms around me and I cried on her shoulder.
She held me and apologized, and said that I could just keep doing what I was doing, and that I was so strong, and she should have never started asking all those questions, but she was just concerned about me, but she was wrong.

She asked me to forgive her, and I think I did, but I spent most of the time thinking about the teardrops that I was getting on her shoulder and whether my part time job was really enough and whether I was too sensitive for crying about the fact that I don’t have much of an idea of what I’m doing with my life and am just holding on to a wisp of it while I hope it gets easier and that I get a lot stronger. I wondered how bad things were if I cry when people ask me about them.

I still don’t exactly know what I’m doing…but…I guess I’m doing as much as I can without having an emotional breakdown.

I guess.

I don’t know.

I’ll just…keep praying and keep trying.

The night before the hug, I killed a black widow spider and the experience kind of freaked me out so much that I started repeating what I remembered from the Divine shepherd Psalm in my head. It was just a spider, and I probably shouldn’t have been as terrified as I was, but then I started thinking about how I was so afraid of a spider biting me, when my neck could easily snap, or need to be fused to my skull, or any horrible thing could happen at any moment, and that’s when I decided I needed to say a prayer to calm down. I was thinking of part of it, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me and your rod and staff are the comfort I need to know”, when I picked up my Bible and opened it to a random spot just so I could start reading. It opened exactly to Psalm 23.

…In two days my Bible opened exactly to the passage that I was not only thinking of, but definitely needed to read and know at that moment and always, and my oldest sister hugged me and told me that I was strong, and it was okay that I didn’t have everything figured out.

I needed these things. I’m glad they happened. I hope things like this keep happening.

Because I am weak, and I need God, and I need prayers, and I need love, and strength, and hope, and ten second hugs where the person I’m hugging lets me cry all over their shoulder and doesn’t mind because they’re used to baby spit up, and moments in my life where I am praying and I look down at the Bible in my hands and it is exactly God’s words speaking to me, showing me that he is there and he knows my thoughts and fears but he loves me and is taking care of his daughter.

Except I don’t need the black widow spiders…(Especially the one that I really didn’t want to have to kill, but it was kind of a life or death situation, in my mind at least, and my existence felt severely threatened by its existence. I am quite sorry that it had to die, but it does not get to live in my house, near my light switch, waiting for me to sleep so that it can kill me…)

Anyway, thanks for reading, and feel free to pray for me as my body keeps trying to deal with that neck surgery I had two years back, and my mind keeps trying to deal with the fact that I graduated college and don’t exactly know how I’m going to figure the rest of my life out, or pay for it, and my heart keeps trying to deal with the loneliness and crushes that I keep getting on men that I’m never going to date or marry.

I’ll try to do the same for you.

Thank you,

               Catherine

 

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