Tag Archives: Be not afraid

Fear

I am afraid of my bones

betraying me

when I need them most

dragging me down

so I’m barely a ghost

unable to move

because they are rock

choking me

so I can’t see, hear, or talk.

I am afraid of my future

the world unknown,

what will happen when

I’m older but not much more grown,

when it’s time to be ready

and I’m not ready in time

I’m afraid of the future, I’m afraid of dying.

I’m afraid of failure,

I’m afraid of breaking,

I’m afraid of missing out by chances not taking,

I’m afraid of loneliness,

I’m afraid of greed,

I’m afraid of not having all that I’ll need.

I’m afraid of myself – not being enough,

taking the parts and not having the stuff

to make it through to be the best I can be,

I’m afraid of myself, failing me.

I am afraid

and it makes me cry, makes me huddle together, rock back and forth, sigh.

It makes me stare into space and question my plans, makes me shiver and fumble and squeeze my hands.

I am afraid

and it makes me weak. Makes me tired of listening and not willing to speak. Makes me want to give up, stop trying, not go on – makes me crumble and tumble headlong, from minute to minute, day to day, lost in the current of not being okay, insecure, unwise, alone, and unmade, fearing that no one will come to my aide, wanting someone to tell me to not be afraid.

I pause and reflect, my memories recollect, the answer I’ve heard, sung word by word…”Be not afraid, I go before you always, come follow me, and I will give you rest”.

 

My heart calms, I still have qualms, but they’re soothed by psalms, and with a belief that the ONE loves me… perhaps I can be free.

 

 

 

 

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Filed under General Poems

Regarding my personal life…

I’m not half as interesting in person as I am when I am composing blog posts which speak mostly to myself. Or maybe I am. Maybe I’m crazy interesting. I do tend to spend most of my out-in-the-real-world time contemplating one-line responses to questions and statements that will make the people around me laugh. Maybe I like attention too much…

At any rate, this propensity for humor has been useful for generally increasing the cheeriness of people around me, but it’s apparently useless in the one-on-one date context. Maybe it’s the people that I elect to spend one-on-one date time with. Maybe I care too much about what they think and so I turn down the humor level and turn up the serious-thoughtful-intelligent-smart Catherine level. (I know, I know, how is it possible to turn that up, how can you get to a level of brilliance that is past “Catherine”?…) I don’t know, but what I do know is that in the presence of a certain male I seem to lose all my great conversational ability.

It’s all…”How’s life?” and instead of saying, “Oh you know, it’s horrible and I think I’m barely hanging on, but I made cookies today, so actually it’s pretty good”, I blandly say “Fine”…and I let the conversation die.

I wonder if this is my fault.

Perhaps I care too much of this person’s opinion of me, and instead of being my wonderful humorous self, I become the reserved Catherine who doesn’t speak up. This would be less annoying if they weren’t doing the exact same thing. Two people hanging out who are too afraid to speak for fear of making the other person lose interest become incredibly boring to each other, and ultimately lose interest.

Let that be a lesson to you, if you let fear control you, you become boring.

Don’t be controlled by fear.

Side note: Wisdom and fear are two different things, knowing that a stove is hot and not wanting to touch it and burn your hand is not fear, but wisdom. So be cautious and be wise, but be not afraid.

– Catherine

 

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's life.