Fear

I am afraid of my bones

betraying me

when I need them most

dragging me down

so I’m barely a ghost

unable to move

because they are rock

choking me

so I can’t see, hear, or talk.

I am afraid of my future

the world unknown,

what will happen when

I’m older but not much more grown,

when it’s time to be ready

and I’m not ready in time

I’m afraid of the future, I’m afraid of dying.

I’m afraid of failure,

I’m afraid of breaking,

I’m afraid of missing out by chances not taking,

I’m afraid of loneliness,

I’m afraid of greed,

I’m afraid of not having all that I’ll need.

I’m afraid of myself – not being enough,

taking the parts and not having the stuff

to make it through to be the best I can be,

I’m afraid of myself, failing me.

I am afraid

and it makes me cry, makes me huddle together, rock back and forth, sigh.

It makes me stare into space and question my plans, makes me shiver and fumble and squeeze my hands.

I am afraid

and it makes me weak. Makes me tired of listening and not willing to speak. Makes me want to give up, stop trying, not go on – makes me crumble and tumble headlong, from minute to minute, day to day, lost in the current of not being okay, insecure, unwise, alone, and unmade, fearing that no one will come to my aide, wanting someone to tell me to not be afraid.

I pause and reflect, my memories recollect, the answer I’ve heard, sung word by word…”Be not afraid, I go before you always, come follow me, and I will give you rest”.

 

My heart calms, I still have qualms, but they’re soothed by psalms, and with a belief that the ONE loves me… perhaps I can be free.

 

 

 

 

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I’m sorry

Dear Ex, I’m sorry.

I went to the last place we were together today, I had to for a school related thing, and I walked past the places that we walked past, and through the doors you walked through after you kissed me on the cheek for the last time. I missed you, and I’m sorry.

I wanted to be with you, I still want to be with you, and it is because you’re smart and you’re funny, and you tend to get my jokes. It’s because you’re sweet and you’re sensitive and you want to give the world to the people you love. It’s because you care, and you care deeply. It’s because you want to love.

I know that you are trying, or at least that you want to try, please know that I’m trying to…But at some point I realized that no matter how much we tried, you were still looking for someone to make you accept yourself, and I was accepting you beyond what was right, in order to not be alone.

It would have been more loving to tell you sooner that you needed to find yourself before trying to be with someone. It would have been more loving to let you have the personal space to realize your own worth, before becoming mixed up in your calculations of what it meant to be loveable. It would have been more loving to let you be my brother in Christ, rather than being the woman in your life…to let you know unconditional love, than to make you think that you were only loved on romantic conditions.

I’m sorry, because now the romance has crumbled and the friendship that could have been is shattered.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you love yourself…I’m sorry I couldn’t make you realize that you are enough just in who you are, that you don’t have to be enough for me, just for God…and I’m hoping, praying, that as you go on in life, you realize that you are loved, and loved more fully and better by someone who loves you more than I ever could or will.

I’m sorry, I love you, and I wish you the best.

I hope that I can grow too, that I can become stronger and heal from the pain, that I can build strong friendships and worry less about romance, that I will be able to look back on our memories and relationship and not dwell on the pain, and not dwell on my longing, but rather after some time to be able to look back and see how much we’ve grown…To see how much stronger, how much better, how much holier we are. To see how we’ve changed and grown closer to God, how we’ve used our gifts to build up and love the people around us. To see us happy and content even if completely apart. And to see you either become a priest or be happily married to a beautiful woman of God. Either one of those would be great.

Anyway, that’s what I’m hoping for, and in the meantime I love you and will love you from afar, as my brother in Christ, praying we both become closer to Christ, Amen.

P.s. I blocked you on facebook.

P.p.s. I have faith that God has better plans for us than each other. [Does that sound bad? If so then I’m kind of proving my point then, aren’t I? I mean, COME ON, how can I be the one for you (God is the only true ONE for all of us) if I’m offending you all the time. Case and point. LOVE YA AS A BRO, BRO!]

 

 

 

 

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Moving On…

So, it’s Sunday, I’ve had a relaxing day – I slept in, had a mocha, enjoyed a satisfying if not particularly healthy breakfast, and I blocked my ex on social media.

Not because I hate him, I don’t hate him, but because I kept seeing his name pop up and it would stab me in the heart a little bit, and I do not need to be able to stalk my ex on the internet.

Sometimes it’s necessary to cut someone out of your life entirely so that you can both heal, grow, and move on.

I want that for us. I want us to be healthy and mature apart from each other.

And it just hurts too much right now to have him be so inaccessibly accessible in my life.

In other news, the rest of my life is going okay. There are definitely hurdles, everyone has problems…but I actually got a full night of sleep last night, and I think I might be able to do something good with my life and maybe live for others a bit.

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well, and that you have the strength when you need it to make the decisions that will help you be the best version of yourself that you can be…Even if the decision seems as trite as not having access to a certain person on social media.

 

Love and prayers for you all, dear readers.

Happy almost All Saints Day.

-Cdukulele

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Filed under Cdukulele's life., Cdukulele's love life.

Rainy days

Happy Saturday! It’s a cloudy saturday, a lovely day for tea and homework and then going out to a play. That’s my plan anyway.

 

I spent most of the day sleeping, because I spent most of the previous evening watching Netflix and being unable to hit the back button while new episodes just popped up and started playing….Will power seems to get weaker and weaker the later into the night it goes.

At the current moment in my life, I’m recovering from a relationship, trying not to get into a new one with the young man who keeps messaging me and inviting me to go do things, and doing lots of educational based work.
It’s not all that exciting, but I wanted to write something, and if I don’t post this, it will join the sea of drafts and stop being relevant within twelve hours.

This is writing for me though…let’s see…future plans…Succeed in grad school and then get a teaching job…get over the ex…not ever get into a relationship based on mutual loneliness…Be happy with my current state. Not need another to make me happy. Rely more on God. Bring others joy. Be a light in the world.

Those are the plans.

Okay, I’m going to go get ready for the play. Have a lovely weekend everyone. Enjoy October.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Giving you up.

I’ve spent the last month crying off and on over someone I know I should forget. Someone I know isn’t good for me. Someone I know cares more about himself than me. Who will only cause me more pain and sadness….And yet I cry over them because the idea of saying goodbye hurts. The idea of giving up hurts. Because they keep trying, and they just keep failing….

Then I wonder what’s wrong with me that I want to be with the person who breaks my heart. That I can’t handle the loneliness. That I simply want to share everything with them.

But my Mom loves me and tells me that I need to be strong, and reminds me of all the things that make him unworthy. Nobody is ever worthy, I reason…But I was making exceptions for him from the beginning…For us.

It hurts. He messaged me again yesterday, and I read the words and his attempt at reconciliation, and I spent half an hour composing a response, and a five minute walk to class erasing it, because it simply hurt. Saying anything hurt. Telling him that I had asked for space, telling him that we could never be together because he would keep doing things to hurt me and not understanding what he was doing, telling him I still cared about him as a friend, saying anything at all, would hurt.

I remained silent.

 

Tonight I went out with a friend to listen to a talk. It was a friend that I had a crush on at some point. A friend that I thought highly of and wished I could find someone like whenever I started dating. A friend I tried not to get a crush on, because crushes are painful. A friend that it brought me pain to spend time in the company of when I was dating my ex-, because I felt like all the friendship he and I had was missing in my romantic relationship. The innocence, the playfulness, the honesty, the selflessness…The fact that he actually cared about me as a friend, that he wasn’t using me to make himself less lonely. I looked at him and the fact that he actually cared about me, and it made my heart throb with pain about what I didn’t have.

We were driving together tonight, having awkward conversation, him annoying me with his helpful comments about what I should do with my life, me getting steadily more annoyed and making conscious efforts to not be rude to him verbally, and then we finally reached our destination and parted ways, and I thought about how it was good he was my friend, and that’s all he would ever be…Then I got kind of depressed and blasted praise and worship music in my car to try to make myself feel better…And I tried to console myself by saying that I wouldn’t die alone…

And I won’t. Because maybe I won’t be in a romantic relationship, and maybe I won’t ever find a significant other who cares about me in the ways I always dreamed someone would care about me. Maybe I won’t be swept off my feet. Maybe prince charming won’t come. Maybe I won’t get married and have a house and a family someday. …But I won’t be alone…

Because I have friends. I have people who care. People who care enough to annoy me and not worry about how it impacts my opinion of them. People who don’t care about my opinion of them, because they simply care about me. People who would prefer my own happiness to theirs, people who want to love me and want to help me learn to love…People who are actually my friends.

And as long as I’m still focusing on really loving people rather than simply making them happy, then I’ll have friends. Maybe not a lot, maybe not all the time, but when I do have friends, the few that God gives me, they’ll be of the deepest and best quality, and they’ll be the kind I can depend on, and who can depend on me.

That’s the plan anyway. Here’s to day one of my true friendship attempts.

Praise God.

 

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Various writing

Your voice

At some point in my life I was content without that voice. Without your words. Without your praise and love and admiration.

I was enough. It was enough.

But having had a taste of what it’s like, to be viewed in the eyes of someone who holds you so highly…Now it’s difficult to let go.

And wisdom tells me, experience has told me, love will tell me, that I need to let go.

I don’t want to.

I don’t know how to be without you.

It hurts and the sound of your voice over the phone is like salve on a wound, and it is salve, because it’s a message continuing “You are wanted, you are loved, you are not alone”.

And I know it. I know that.

I know that even without you I am wanted. Even without you I am loved. Without you I am still not alone.

But I feel so differently. My feelings refuse to align themselves with the knowledge in my mind.

And it hurts.

It hurts.

I miss you and it hurts.

I know I shouldn’t, I don’t want to…but I am not a robot and my heart aches with the memories of what was and the crushed hopes of things that will never be.

I still want them to be, and I still want to be able to listen to your voice.

I love and miss

you….and your voice.

 

 

 

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BULLET POINTS OF SUCCESS!

Nobody liked my last post and my site traffic makes tumbleweeds look like a mob, but I don’t care.

I took a nap, ate an apple, and drank 90% of a medium blended mocha, I AM PUMPED.

 

TRIUMPHS OF THE WEEK SO FAR:

  • I worked out.

This is a big deal because I am out of shape. The ten minute walk from my car to class every day leaves me pretty much breathless, but I spent 45 minutes working out people. Low impact to protect my bones, and only at half the capacity of where I was last spring, but it’s a start.

Thank you for your cheers.

  • I didn’t press snooze this morning.
    (Opposed to every other day for the last three months where hitting snooze six times was necessary.)
  • I called my ex-boyfriend and talked to him on the phone.
    Oh wait…maybe that isn’t a triumph.
  • I’m growing as a person and talking to my ex is a sign of maturity?
    That totally sounds like a triumph, right?
  • I didn’t cry after talking on the phone with him? TRIUMPH!
  • He called me and it wasn’t my fault?
  • I’m willing to be vulnerable in my attempts to be a more loving person and not think of myself?

    …That devolved rather quickly…Eh…At least I’m trying to be physically healthy (ignore the coffee which may counteract that point).

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