Category Archives: Various writing

Drama free = …

This year has been the most drama free since this blog started.

Instead of focusing on romance, I’ve been focusing on my career and future.

It’s depressing.

But it’s also smart and mature and far better for me than probably sitting around analyzing my interactions with males and writing poems and songs about it.

I just have to figure out a way to channel all my extra creative and obsessive energy into something not focused on romance.

Because life is not all about your romantic relationships and how they have or haven’t completely failed.

It’s tough loving people by choosing to not be in their lives anymore.

Happy almost summer, see you next time I start cleaning my room and find my laptop and get distracted.

-cdukulele

 

 

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Fighting colds and exes.

My life feels like it’s in shambles…but that’s probably because I’m fighting a cold, and not because it’s reality.

My ex is trying to get back into my life and he’s made some fairly convincing arguments. Arguments that I’ve batted away with reminders of all the ways he failed me when we were together.

I’m like venom and he doesn’t care.

He just keeps taking the bites.

I’m rather miserable over it all. I’ve had a cold for just about the same amount of time I’ve had him back in my life.

 

And I’m afraid of being alone, and he makes me laugh, and I can be a¬†horrible person to him and he still wants me in his life.

It’s not healthy.

I’m not healthy.

I’m sick in the short term and the long term.

A bundle of bones that I’ve been trying to protect by ordering copious amounts of supportive dress shoes online for.

I try them on, realize they don’t fit/don’t fit and aren’t something I could ever conceivably wear to a work or dress function anyway, and return them.

Then I pity myself.

 

Things are a million times better than when I spent Christmas in a neckbrace, but why do I feel so much worse?

How does my ex-love keep hurting me.

Why do I want him back in my life?

I need a cup of tea and to have my Christmas shopping finished.

I need Christ in my heart pulverizing my loneliness and empty desires for the people who crush my soul.

I want good people in my life who support me and love me and help me continue on a path to righteousness…and I don’t know what my ex is.

It hurts. I know it hurts.

It hurts so much that somehow I’m left questioning all that I am, a woman, a college student, a daughter – an unemployed bunch of failings.

I’ve rejected concert offers, because I haven’t written anything new in months and because I don’t want to handle the stress anymore.

I’m cutting out music to focus on…drawing it into my life as a future teacher.

Because I’m tired.

I’m tired.

I need sleep. I need some preparation for Christmas. Christ’s coming to my heart.

 

Aye.

 

God bless you all, fight on!

-I got a cold.

 

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Soon it will be…Christmas break!

IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS~!!!!!! Or it’s almost Christmas break, and that’s close enough, because by then I won’t have to write any more papers or plan any more lessons and instead I can just stave off my loneliness by reading 6 hours every night.

It’s a brilliant plan.
A beautiful plan.
A fantastic plan.

Anyway, in the mean time it’s school, the gym, and me trying to restart the old friendships that I kinda might’ve abandoned once I started dating because I felt awkward about having guy friends and a boyfriend.

I know, I have problems.

BUT NOW, I’m single and don’t have to worry about falling in love with my guy friends.

YUP.

Yep yep yep.

Okay…anything else of note to say? …nope.

LATER!

 

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The little things.

I woke up this morning and my hip DIDN’T HURT LIKE A CRAZY MONSTER OF PAIN AND BROKENNESS!!!!

This made me happy. Or makes me happy…I am currently happy, but I think when I woke up I was too focused on getting out of bed without freezing to death to think to be happy about my hip.

It’s kind of aching now, but not like it was when I was composing my blog post about it (I should really stop composing posts at crazy times of night when I’m exhausted and tired and all I have to write is bitter sadness), and so it’s not broken and I’m good.

And in the future I will be more careful when doing physical therapy stretches for my arms…and not act like a foam roller ninja.

In other news, I’ve now been out of my last relationship for longer than I was in it, so just another month or two and my heart won’t ache over it at all, right? Right.

OKAY READERS! I’m off to go work on my self confidence by tutoring some people and proving that I know things and can help people.

P.S. I am looking for some good books to read, classics/non-classics/anything that actually has value and does not contain anything explicit, so PLEASE, feel free to recommend something! Or blog post about it. For reference or in case you’re looking for something to read, some of my favorite books include Rebecca, by Daphne du Maurier, The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingsolver, The Forest People, by Colin Turnball, Catch-22 (Okay, see this has some stuff in it, like cursing and brothels, but the point is the war story/dark humor).

 

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I’m sorry

Dear Ex, I’m sorry.

I went to the last place we were together today, I had to for a school related thing, and I walked past the places that we walked past, and through the doors you walked through after you kissed me on the cheek for the last time. I missed you, and I’m sorry.

I wanted to be with you, I still want to be with you, and it is because you’re smart and you’re funny, and you tend to get my jokes. It’s because you’re sweet and you’re sensitive and you want to give the world to the people you love. It’s because you care, and you care deeply. It’s because you want to love.

I know that you are trying, or at least that you want to try, please know that I’m trying to…But at some point I realized that no matter how much we tried, you were still looking for someone to make you accept yourself, and I was accepting you beyond what was right, in order to not be alone.

It would have been more loving to tell you sooner that you needed to find yourself before trying to be with someone. It would have been more loving to let you have the personal space to realize your own worth, before becoming mixed up in your calculations of what it meant to be loveable. It would have been more loving to let you be my brother in Christ, rather than being the woman in your life…to let you know unconditional love, than to make you think that you were only loved on romantic conditions.

I’m sorry, because now the romance has crumbled and the friendship that could have been is shattered.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you love yourself…I’m sorry I couldn’t make you realize that you are enough just in who you are, that you don’t have to be enough for me, just for God…and I’m hoping, praying, that as you go on in life, you realize that you are loved, and loved more fully and better by someone who loves you more than I ever could or will.

I’m sorry, I love you, and I wish you the best.

I hope that I can grow too, that I can become stronger and heal from the pain, that I can build strong friendships and worry less about romance, that I will be able to look back on our memories and relationship and not dwell on the pain, and not dwell on my longing, but rather after some time to be able to look back and see how much we’ve grown…To see how much stronger, how much better, how much holier we are. To see how we’ve changed and grown closer to God, how we’ve used our gifts to build up and love the people around us. To see us happy and content even if completely apart. And to see you either become a priest or be happily married to a beautiful woman of God. Either one of those would be great.

Anyway, that’s what I’m hoping for, and in the meantime I love you and will love you from afar, as my brother in Christ, praying we both become closer to Christ, Amen.

P.s. I blocked you on facebook.

P.p.s. I have faith that God has better plans for us than each other. [Does that sound bad? If so then I’m kind of proving my point then, aren’t I? I mean, COME ON, how can I be the one for you (God is the only true ONE for all of us) if I’m offending you all the time. Case and point. LOVE YA AS A BRO, BRO!]

 

 

 

 

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Rainy days

Happy Saturday! It’s a cloudy saturday, a lovely day for tea and homework and then going out to a play. That’s my plan anyway.

 

I spent most of the day sleeping, because I spent most of the previous evening watching Netflix and being unable to hit the back button while new episodes just popped up and started playing….Will power seems to get weaker and weaker the later into the night it goes.

At the current moment in my life, I’m recovering from a relationship, trying not to get into a new one with the young man who keeps messaging me and inviting me to go do things, and doing lots of educational based work.
It’s not all that exciting, but I wanted to write something, and if I don’t post this, it will join the sea of drafts and stop being relevant within twelve hours.

This is writing for me though…let’s see…future plans…Succeed in grad school and then get a teaching job…get over the ex…not ever get into a relationship based on mutual loneliness…Be happy with my current state. Not need another to make me happy. Rely more on God. Bring others joy. Be a light in the world.

Those are the plans.

Okay, I’m going to go get ready for the play. Have a lovely weekend everyone. Enjoy October.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Giving you up.

I’ve spent the last month crying off and on over someone I know I should forget. Someone I know isn’t good for me. Someone I know cares more about himself than me. Who will only cause me more pain and sadness….And yet I cry over them because the idea of saying goodbye hurts. The idea of giving up hurts. Because they keep trying, and they just keep failing….

Then I wonder what’s wrong with me that I want to be with the person who breaks my heart. That I can’t handle the loneliness. That I simply want to share everything with them.

But my Mom loves me and tells me that I need to be strong, and reminds me of all the things that make him unworthy. Nobody is ever worthy, I reason…But I was making exceptions for him from the beginning…For us.

It hurts. He messaged me again yesterday, and I read the words and his attempt at reconciliation, and I spent half an hour composing a response, and a five minute walk to class erasing it, because it simply hurt. Saying anything hurt. Telling him that I had asked for space, telling him that we could never be together because he would keep doing things to hurt me and not understanding what he was doing, telling him I still cared about him as a friend, saying anything at all, would hurt.

I remained silent.

 

Tonight I went out with a friend to listen to a talk. It was a friend that I had a crush on at some point. A friend that I thought highly of and wished I could find someone like whenever I started dating. A friend I tried not to get a crush on, because crushes are painful. A friend that it brought me pain to spend time in the company of when I was dating my ex-, because I felt like all the friendship he and I had was missing in my romantic relationship. The innocence, the playfulness, the honesty, the selflessness…The fact that he actually cared about me as a friend, that he wasn’t using me to make himself less lonely. I looked at him and the fact that he actually cared about me, and it made my heart throb with pain about what I didn’t have.

We were driving together tonight, having awkward conversation, him annoying me with his helpful comments about what I should do with my life, me getting steadily more annoyed and making conscious efforts to not be rude to him verbally, and then we finally reached our destination and parted ways, and I thought about how it was good he was my friend, and that’s all he would ever be…Then I got kind of depressed and blasted praise and worship music in my car to try to make myself feel better…And I tried to console myself by saying that I wouldn’t die alone…

And I won’t. Because maybe I won’t be in a romantic relationship, and maybe I won’t ever find a significant other who cares about me in the ways I always dreamed someone would care about me. Maybe I won’t be swept off my feet. Maybe prince charming won’t come. Maybe I won’t get married and have a house and a family someday. …But I won’t be alone…

Because I have friends. I have people who care. People who care enough to annoy me and not worry about how it impacts my opinion of them. People who don’t care about my opinion of them, because they simply care about me. People who would prefer my own happiness to theirs, people who want to love me and want to help me learn to love…People who are actually my friends.

And as long as I’m still focusing on really loving people rather than simply making them happy, then I’ll have friends. Maybe not a lot, maybe not all the time, but when I do have friends, the few that God gives me, they’ll be of the deepest and best quality, and they’ll be the kind I can depend on, and who can depend on me.

That’s the plan anyway. Here’s to day one of my true friendship attempts.

Praise God.

 

 

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